To Baby

Some days it's really hard to be the happy pregnant mom I was when I
carried your brothers and sisters. Today has been one of those days.

Today I have felt insecure and unsure.

I wonder if I will get to hold you, soft and warm. I wonder if you'll
hang on as long as you need to in order to survive. I wonder if you'll
grow and develop so that one day you'll be strong and healthy. I wonder what the future has in store for us
both.

But that's why I decided to take this photo of my belly today; when
it's the last thing I felt like doing; when I want only to tuck away
the maternity clothes and the signs of pregnancy until I can be certain
that everything will be OK. Because even more than I want to hide from
what could be, I want this
journey to be chronicled. I want to be able to show you one day that
there were
days of doubt and fear, but that your dad and I clung stubbornly to the
hope and
promise that God is our healer.

I've been having a lot of cramping today and it makes me wonder how
things are going for you. You're so close to me and yet I can't see
you, and this is hard for me. I don't know if you're getting what you
need. There isn't anything I can really do to make sure you're safe.

Someone told me on Sunday that the best prayer I can pray is, "Jesus, I
trust You." I have been praying that prayer a lot, especially today when
words seem to fail me and I don't know how else to pray. By God's mercy
and grace, I will one day teach you to pray the same prayer.