Buying a house is... overwhelming. As we left our lawyer's office, I felt so many differing emotions: excitement, remorse, loss, gain, and more. I cried. Before and after signing the papers. [Maybe this makes the fact that I bawled my eyes out the day after getting married less dramatic; or maybe it just makes me dramatic!] Right now, I'm more glad than sad, but right after the fact, I felt undone. You have to understand that for someone who hates debt and every sensation that accompanies being "the borrower" as much as I do, getting a $60,000 mortgage is a tough thing. The house and all the opportunities for blessing others that it will provide is worth the sacrifice--even the emotional one--but believe me when I say that we will be working hard to get this thing paid off in less than 15 years!

Upon arriving back here at my parents' [where I sat in the car for a few minutes and cried some more], my dear family had some blessings for us. They were all gathered in the dining room, calling out "Surprise!" and waiting to give us three house-warming gifts. Ryan and Danica bought us some wonderful bathroom fixtures that I'd been eyeing at every TJMaxx we stopped at throughout our Christmas shopping trip. Carina gave us matching bath towels that are softer and bigger than anything I've owned to date. And a beautiful, big mirror for our bedroom (which is currently "mirror-less") came from my parents.

Have I mentioned how good it is to have family? Well, it is. Because as I opened those gifts, I was able to get past some of the more "undoing" emotions and revel in the joy of owning a truly wonderful, dream-come-true home. I needed that.

And now Daniel is over at our house [it really is ours!!!!] finishing the stripping of the kitchen cabinets, which will need to be re-stained a different shade after we come back from Williamsburg, and painting the up-until-now-yellow walls an antique white. Tonight as I re-packed our suitcases for our 12-day trip, I felt a renewed sense of hope. I'm not going to be living out of those suitcases forever! The end is in sight! I am glad... so very, very glad.

Two weeks from today we will cut down our Christmas tree and bring it home. It will still be a few days after that before we actually move into the house because of some projects that need to get done, but when we do I will decorate for Christmas as I unpack boxes. And somehow, that sounds like a lot of fun even though the thought made me want to cry yesterday. It doesn't seem like too much work and instead seems to make the idea of Christmas all the more special. And let's face it: I know exactly where the stockings are going [what else did anyone think of when they saw pictures of the beautiful ballisters and railing on the living room stairs?!] and how the lights of the tree will look through the front windows. I've been mentally planning how the holidays and this house will go together since I saw the first pictures!

I now know why purchasing a home is listed as one of the major "stressers" in life. Add to that being [almost] 33 weeks pregnant and recently relocating 500+ miles from our last home, and you've got an easily-emotional Brietta! But it's good and wonderful. I wouldn't trade any of these "stressers" for anything. I would rather deal with challenge after challenge while knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am in His will than keep things calm and easy outside His plan. His grace is sufficient. It really, really is.

We're off to sign the papers that will officially make our house "ours". Yes!

Furniture needs the last painting touches, dressers need to be filled,
papers need to be signed, suitcases need to be [re]packed, errands need
to be run...  But I enjoyed spending this morning cleaning my
mom's kitchen and doing laundry instead of accomplishing any of those
things. Sometimes it's just nicer to pretend that life is simple. :)

But there does remain the reality that we are (along with our lawyer)
urgently trying to close on our house before we leave for Cortland, NY
on Wednesday--where we will spend Thanksgiving with the extended
Sinclair family--and from there drive down to Williamsburg, VA for a
family vacation. We won't be back until December 5th, after which we
will have some quick work to do on the house (painting the kitchen and
staining the kitchen cupboards darker) before trying to settle (ha ha) while
decorating for Christmas. I have a feeling I'll be more successful with
getting a tree decorated than with hanging pictures on the walls, since
I really haven't a clue as to how I want the rooms arranged.

Meanwhile, the pregnancy countdown continues and I have had a recent
reality check that we need to pick out baby names and that I need to
come up with a birth plan that works within the context of a hospital
and new doctor. Since August I have been telling myself that I don't
have to think about this baby's arrival until after we move in to our
house, but as the move-in date gets pushed back further and further, I
am further and further into this pregnancy! Less than eight weeks until
my due date... less than 10 weeks before the date I
have picked for baby #3's arrival. The necessity of preparation hadn't
really dawned on me until my doctor's appointment last week when my
doctor announced that the baby is head-down and looking settled that
way. Unbelievable.

I'm glad most all of my Christmas shopping is out of the way. It means
one less thing to think about; and though I really enjoy the process of
gift-giving, it is a tremendous blessing to have it taken care of.

Semester #1 is quickly finishing up. It won't be long before we bid
farewell to all the students until January 2006. I feel like I'm barely
getting to know them all, and now they're all getting ready to leave
for a while! Nonetheless, I think it's been a fruitful last seven
weeks--and I am so proud of Daniel. The demands on him have been great,
and he has risen to each challenge. We've had the joy of seeing a
prodigal student radically recommit his life to the Lord and another
student until-recently totally unfamiliar with the Gospel give her life
wholly to the Lord. Other students have gone from skepticism regarding
the Holy Spirit to being baptized and speaking in tongues. We're
quickly outgrowing meeting spaces and new prayer meetings are being
established on campuses. It's been a really wonderful two months thus
far, and I'm excited for what will happen in the future.

God has been faithful. It hasn't been the easiest of seasons, but it's
also been a really good one. In spite of challenges, both Daniel and I
have had a confidence that we are right where God would have us be and
that has given continual peace. He is caring for us and--more
importantly--He is caring for His Kingdom. I am learning to rest in Him
in a new way.

This morning I woke up and my heart felt sick--the sick that comes with
hope deferred. These last five hours have been a battle against giving
in to the feelings of exhaustion--exhaustion that runs much deeper than
any physical exhaustion can.

Sometimes I find myself walking in His supernatural strength, and I am
amazed. Those are the times when nothing can un-do me and no hurdle is
to great for me. And then there are days like November 18, 2005.

Today I want to give up. I wonder if life really does stretch on as
bleakly as it seems to at this very moment. I feel incapable and I have
no desire to improve. The task seems too great, the rewards too scarce.

Contentment.

Is He enough? He says He is. Will I believe? Will I take Him at His
word? Will I trust that He won't just at some point in the future be my
Provision, but that He is my Provision for this very moment?

I will. I do. I choose life in Him, knowing that disappointments and
difficulties will still come, but that He will walk with me through
every single one.

Today I am discouraged, but today I know in a new way that He is my Friend.

Having a potty-trained child is nice... until you're in the middle of purchasing a whole lot of groceries--your 15-month-old in the cart crying--and your toddler says, "Mama, I have to go potty!" in the frantic voice you know means you haven't much time.

Yeah.

Seven weeks ago I was talking to my mom... crying... not understanding...

I don't know whether to be angry with him or so, so sad for him. I don't know. I just don't know.

In the days that followed, I found some answers. I knew to be angry with satan and sin. I knew to be sad for them--for his family and for the ones whose lives will be altered more than I can even imagine. I even knew the reality of hope in Christ for him.

But now I know the hope of His redeeming blood in a way I never have. I see in her writings the truth that He can and does take the darkest of moments to shine so brightly. I look at the body and see how miraculously He raises us beyond any attempts of the enemy. I have seen and am seeing how amazing He really is.

1 John 1:1-4  That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, concerning the Word of life-- the life was manifested, and we have seen, and bear witness, and declare to you that eternal life which was with the Father and was manifested to us-- that which we have seen and heard we declare to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ. And these things we write to you that your joy may be full.

Today has been a complete wash, kind of. But not. Because I actually got to rest.

Most days like this, I would be extremely frustrated. Not only would
little have been accomplished, but I would be more tired than I was to
begin with! After all, Gabriel and Bronwyn have little sympathy for my
exhaustion and never fail to have demands. But today, I slept. A lot.

At around 11:30am I fell asleep. I'd only sat down in the family room
with the kids, but that was where I made the mistake. Sure enough, I
crashed. For an hour. When I woke up, Carina had fed Gabriel and
Bronwyn lunch and put Bronwyn down for a nap. That was nice.

I got up, ate some lunch, cleaned a bit of the kitchen, and then laid
down again because I still felt terrible. I slept for another hour--at
least.

Yes, this is one of the great blessings of living with family. This
tired body's needs were met without adding more pressure to my husband.
And so I don't feel that the day was a total wash, because I was able
to do what I needed to do: sleep.

(My sisters are great.)

We are not in our new home yet. Everyday, it seems, we find out about
another peice of paperwork that the bank is waiting for. Today we've
learned that they are awaiting something to do with title insurance.
There's always something... always something.

Honestly, this has been a good season. For a two and a half months,
we've been "homeless"--and yet not. Through these past eleven weeks, I
have experienced, once again, the joy of being in family. I think I
understand a little bit better what He wants from us when He calls us,
as Christians, "family". While some in our situtation might have to
stay in cheap hotels or a dumpy and cramped month-to-month apartment,
we have been welcomed with open arms into our family's homes; we have
been cared for.

It's also been a lesson in patience and resting in His timing. There
are days when I am so frustrated. Less than a mile down the road, all
my belongings are sitting in boxes in a house I would very much like to
call home. Less than a mile down the road from there are the current
owners of that house who would very much like for us
to be the current owners. Over three months ago we were approved for
this mortgage. Over two months ago our couches arrived in that living
room. I would like to be there. I would like to have access to all our
winter clothes, and I would like those clothes to be in closets and
dressers instead of suitcases. I would like to set a table with the
dishes Mom bought me as a wedding gift (do you realize how long it's
been since I did that?!) and I would like to serve pasta in the great
pasta bowl I own (also another wedding gift). I would like to invite
the college girls over to my house instead of trying to find a place to
meet them. I would like to have guests stay in the "spare room". I
would like to curl up on my couch with that worn and familiar green
aphgan, my mug that Camilla painted in hand and filled with steaming
tea.

And yet, I'm not there. And while I long to remember afresh what life for our family--just us--looks like, I cannot ignore how much of a gift these last couple months have been.

So we wait. And learn. And adjust. And grow. And re-adjust.

It's good.

Wanting to see us all serve Him with more abandonment... Tired of the way we excuse our compromises... Wondering how long it will take for us to call entanglements what they are... Hoping He will break us out of the petty desires we accomodate much more quickly than His desires.

-----

I had a wonderful past two days with Mom and Danica. We shopped and shopped and shopped. Not only should non-shoppers be glad to have missed our trip, even most shoppers would probably be thrilled to not have been with us. Both Wednesday and Thursday our shopping days didn't end until the stores had closed and we literally could not accomplish another thing. With aching feet and sore legs/backs, we triumphantly arrived home--lots and lots of bags stashed all over the mini-van we traveled in. I might not hunt for deer or anything like that, but the past couple days were nothing less than setting out and conquering! I have a couple little things to continue looking for, but otherwise the shopping is completely done--complete with wrapping paper and ribbon. Now I just have to work on closing on the house that I would very much like to celebrate much of the holiday season in!

-----

A number of good friends from Pittsburgh gave me a gift before I moved up here, and then shortly after moving here a generous individual that I barely know gave me another gift. With these funds I have purchased all new bedding--down to decorative pillows--for my bed. I've never had the bedding I'd hoped for, so it has been extremely fun to pick everything out. I even have a set of flannel sheets along with beautiful Ralph Lauren cotton sheets (purchased at TJMaxx for a literal fraction of what they would have cost at a Ralph Lauren home store).

My next purchase item is a dresser--hopefully two, if I can find good deals--for the bedroom. Otherwise, the bed will the only nice looking thing in a room that has piles of clothing all over the floors. :)

-----

I am amazed at the goodness of God. He carries us through and above so many things that ought to be to our undoing. The more of life I see, the more heartache I witness, and the more opportunity to be amazed at God I have.

Check him out!

I sat in on a bed in the ER and the nurse commented on how ridiculous it is that doctors in the area don't keep Rhogam in their offices as it means patients visiting the ER to get a quick and simple shot. I couldn't have agreed more. The medical procedures and processes around here are something I would quickly change if I could. But the nurse was nice and only made me wait around 20 minutes instead of the usual 30 since she figured I would be fine as I've had the shot several times before and with no problems.

A visit to the grocery store followed. I like North Country grocery stores. They're nothing like trips to the Wal-Mart in North Versailles--something absolutely frightening and worth avoiding at all costs (literally!). The store here is small and the produce is fresh. I bought Cortland apples for $0.68/lb and picked up a gallon of milk for $1.99. As the cashier rang my groceries up, another employee bagged all the food and loaded my cart. Someone I knew came up and said hello as I made my purchases, and that is always pleasant. The whole experience is do-able and rather nice. I think I could even pull it off with three children under three years of age.

Tonight Louissa and I will make macaroni and cheese for dinner and Danica will make a yummy pumpkin cake. I bought bread and salad. Dad won't be here, but we'll still have family dinner. It will be nice.

In the meantime, I need to pull some food together for my husband, who is currently stripping old paint off our dining room chairs so that he can paint them black. His days off have been taken over with such projects, and I'm very appreciative for his efforts. I figure the least I can do is re-heat some soup or chili!

Oh yeah--the kids need to eat, too. Sometimes I forget... :)

The enemy has stolen. He has robbed over and over and over again. I look around and see the devastation--lives ravaged and broken, laid to waste, overwhelmed, confounded and stunned.

And yet...

There is One who came to restore the years that the locust has eaten. There is One whose death won for us a victory that nothing--nothing--can take away. There is One who rose from the grave and defeated our foe on our behalf.

This weekend as I listened to hundreds of young people's voices rising in song, tears filled my eyes. With wet cheeks and a humbled heart, I joined in:

How great is our God
Sing with me, How great is our God
All will see how great
How great is our God

I'm heading out of town for the weekend with husband and a whole lot of college students. My children will stay here with family while I am gone. I think it will be a very good time--even just because it will be a weekend shared with Daniel. Between church and children and [now] home demands, it is far too easy for Daniel and I to become people who work toward common goals together but fail to simply be together.

Whenever I am gone, I miss Gabriel and Bronwyn so much. At times I can be so frustrated by the lack of personal space and time alone in motherhood, but most of the time I am incredibly grateful for their companionship. They are a constant in my life, and one I am very grateful for. It's hard to imagine a day when there aren't little ones needing me. I think not having to stay home with small children will be much harder than having to stay home with them.

I don't particularly like starting trips as tired as I am this morning, but tonight and tomorrow night I'll be the youngest person sleeping in my hotel room.

At any rate, suitcases are packed. Clothes for the kids are laid out to make dressing them each morning simpler. I will miss my first Sunday as [again] a member of CFC. Gabriel will play drums in the front row and cry about going to the toddler nursery. Bronwyn will fall asleep on someone's shoulder (probably Carina's) during worship and then be happy to explore the dolls and kitchen sets in the infant nursery. I will be a couple hours away, sharing in a what should be a wonderful experience in the Lord with Daniel and students.

A walk by myself--a whole mile worth of thoughts and prayer and quiet. The wind that made me struggle physically brought a release emotionally. I needed some time. I needed a chance to tell the Lord of my disappointments... ask for His forgiveness... experience His grace... be renewed in hope. To some, it may have seemed as though it was just a 15-minute jaunt around this little town I now call home; but to me, it was His presence--so available if I will only make myself available--felt and known.

I enjoyed taking a walk/jog around town this morning.

I did not enjoy waking up.

I enjoyed drinking a steaming cup of hot chocolate.

I did not enjoy saying goodbye to Daniel.

I enjoyed watching Gabriel play "drums" with washable markers.

I did not enjoy the round of increasingly painful Braxton-Hicks.

I enjoyed reading my little guys a few stories.

I did not enjoy being cold even after coming in from outdoors.