a scramble-ish sort of update

By way of quick update on this all-too-forgotten space:

-- Aubrey continues to do well. We had a minor (but scary) set back that began in early November and persisted until mid December, in which she began to retain a lot of fluid in her lungs. We think it probably began as a mild cold and then was compounded by her doctors taking her off her blood pressure medication and reducing her diuretic (which flushes extra fluid out of the body before it has a chance to build up in the lungs). At any rate, after initially being told it was just croup, I put my foot down and brought her back to the doctor after a series of five long nights filled with frantic gasping for breath, tears, coughing fits that were turning her blue, and sheer exhaustion. They confirmed my suspicion that it was not at all croup, but pulmonary edema. Her diuretic was increased by two and after three more long nights it began to do its work and she started breathing more clearly.

And honestly? Aside from that little hiccup, she is doing spectacularly. It's miraculous. Entirely, completely, breathtakingly miraculous.

She loves to run. Apart from that rough patch, she has boundless energy. Her tastebuds have changed! (She's pickier.) She is finally, after several long years, taking ground in reading! Even her scar, which she was initially so very disturbed at the thought of having, has become its own badge of honor for her.

Words can't say how thankful we are for how strong and healthy and vibrant and whole she is!

-- We finally closed on the new house! First, the sale on our old house was delayed by a couple weeks. Then the sale on the new house was also delayed. Banks. Attorneys. Paperwork. New York state. Oh my. We are so excited about the new place, if feeling a bit in over our heads right about now!

We closed on a Tuesday at 5pm and by 8pm that evening we had changed into work clothes and were eagerly tearing up carpet. That was only the beginning of the demolition work that was about the ensue, I must say. As is often the case with old houses, the more you uncover, the more you find that needs to be uncovered/addressed. Although the house right now is completely unlivable because of all that's been torn out, it's actually feeling rather exciting. Not surprisingly (old house, remember), there really wasn't insulation in most any of the exterior walls. Taking down all the plaster and lathe and removing brick that was between the exterior and interior walls will allow us to get the house better sealed up.

Daniel has spent many hours (major understatement), along with the help of many others, pulling out the old in preparation for the coming updates. We're just now beginning the process of putting things back together.

We love this house. We love the heritage in the Gospel that it has cradled for years. There is amazing history to it. The people we bought it from are godly, selfless, kind, and faithful people. It is fun to imagine all the years of living that has gone on in that home before us, and to imagine what lies ahead!

And although I've learned better than to say I'll blog more on that "another time"... I really will try!

-- December has been full of all the wonderful and busy things that December brings. Christmas concerts and Christmas cookies and Christmas carols and Christmas books and Christmas trees and Christmas shopping and Christmas movies, and on and on. It was a strange Christmas for us, being out of our own home and all (we're renting a home in Madrid from some of the most generous of people while we work on the new home in Potsdam), but special in its own way.

The forced simplicity was good for me.

The challenge of maintaining certain traditions without all my normal tools and systems in place was at times stressful.

The children, especially Aubrey, cried often about how much they missed home.

The morning of Christmas dawned at my parents' home-- the first time we woke on a Christmas morning in that house since Gabriel was not yet 2 years old and Bronwyn was a little baby-- and every. single. child. declared it "the best Christmas ever"!

We didn't have a real tree in our own place, but my mom lent us her little boxwood bush that normally resides in her big kitchen window and we decorated it with fairy lights and homemade ornaments and even cookie cutters that were given to Daniel as CFA Christmas gifts. It was quirky and perfect.

-- In the midst of all the December hubbub, my beautiful baby giant turned two years old. Two!

We celebrated with little fanfare-- my parents and Merrick came over for a simple dinner of homemade macaroni and cheese and a chocolate bundt cake-- but he was delighted with what little we did. He sang "Happy Birthday" along with us, and with great gusto I might add. He blew out the candles on cue, no prompting needed. He opened gifts and lined up each little matchbox car and wooden truck in a row, which is his favorite thing to do.

I can't believe this baby of mine is already two years old! Bronwyn asked me the other day when I'm going to potty train him and I almost fell over at the thought that such a thing could happen any time soon... but she's right, and I am dumbfounded.

-- Otherwise, these days have been filled with the usual: homeschooling and housework and errands and cooking and reading aloud and snuggles. I do my fair share of repenting when life is stressful because I often find my words sounding more like barking than speaking, and the children so graciously forgive. Daniel and I have settled in on a phrase that is almost comical in how little it actually does say, but somehow it helps us just take a deep breath and enjoy the adventure: "It is what is!"

That's going to cost twice as much as we thought? "It is what it is!"

That's going to take five times longer than we thought? "It is what it is!"

We have do all that in one day? "It is what is!"

Wherever we are, Lord, let us live to the hilt this moment and situation for Your glory!

valentine's day

It was a simple Valentine's Day for us this year.

To be honest, celebration of any kind almost didn't happen. I was so tired and just feeling a little worn out physically and emotionally.

But then came the simplicity of my seven-year-old's request coupled with such earnest hope in her eyes, "Mom, do you think we'll decorate heart cookies today?" and I couldn't say no.

Cookie dough got mixed up and popped in the fridge. I pulled out the defrosted pork loin and began preparing it. A simple table can be beautiful and honestly doesn't require much effort.

And a little red food coloring in buttercream frosting delights the hearts of little girls everywhere.

Our celebration was simple, but perhaps more memorable than any other Valentine's Day I've experienced yet, because it reminded me that even when the pressures and cares of life press in hard, even when I feel worn out and like there's not much left to give, as I put one love action in front of another, He meets me. By the time dinner was served and we were gathered around the table, I felt so refreshed, so filled.

The greatest of these truly is love.

our Christmas

The end of 2014 came as quickly as its beginning. January first found me with such a bittersweet aching in my heart. I felt excited for what lies ahead-- for fresh beginnings and new endeavors, for what God will do and for how He will grow and teach me-- and yet sorrowful for the moments that were gone before my heart had fully learned to appreciate and give thanks in and for them. Being the idealist I am, I often struggle against time, desperately wanting to hang on until I get it right. This process of walking in His grace, of learning that His strength is perfected in my weakness, is one that I am very much still in the midst of.

So the celebration of the passing of time is an important thing for me. To look back and see that although it wasn't perfect, it was life and it was real and it was good because God was present is an absolutely necessary habit.

And indeed, it was a lovely month, our December.

We halted most all our normal school studies in favor of educational activities like baking cookies, writing letters, reading special books, choir practices, and hosting parties.

Dozens and dozens of cookies, I tell you! For our family to have a couple cookies following dinner means we plow through 1-1/2 dozen cookies in one sitting. This doesn't include the couple dozen cookies brought to this party, and then to that event, and then to yet another celebration. Rum logs, gingerbread boys and angels and snowmen, chocolate dipped butter cookies (my personal favorite), and peanut butter blossoms with both milk and dark chocolate kisses. For our CFC Potsdam leadership Christmas party I even took the time to make pecan tassies, which was a recipe I was first introduced to by Daniel's grandma 13 years ago when I was a young bride.

And parties, oh my! In one 4-day span, we had Oliver's first birthday, then the leadership Christmas party, and then a Nutcracker Party for my girls. Such fun to have our home filled with people and candles and laughter and special foods.

There was lingering by the tree and favorite cheesy holiday movies and feasting on special foods, including cupcakes for breakfast because if not at Christmas time, when?

The four oldest kids and I had the special opportunity to sing in a cantata our church put on in mid-December. We had twice weekly practices in which I donned my coat and gloves and Daniel stayed home with the three youngest and I sang for an hour and half or more. It was good to dust off the altogether-rusty sight reading skills and to be part of a big choir again, but most of all I loved the car rides with the kids as we talked about a whole host of things.

There was also the children singing the last Sunday before Christmas with the rest of the junior church kids. I always love seeing everyone dressed festively! And I'm so thankful for the wonderful people who invest so much into these young ones each and every week.

As is tradition, just before Christmas the kids exchange names and we do a family shopping trip especially for them to buy gifts for each other. These are simple gifts, no more than $7 in value, but their delight in choosing something for another always melts my heart. They are really getting the joy of giving and frequently this year confided to me that they were more excited to give their gift than to open any of their own.

Christmas Eve dinner has become ours to host each year for the family (even last year, when Oliver was only 8 days old!) and I really wouldn't trade it for the world. There's a simplicity to it (the menu has been set as long as I can remember!) and yet anticipation is about as high as it comes right around 3pm the day before Christmas! The best of every world, if you ask me. We set the tables for 30, plus a highchair and a baby in arms. We roll meatballs and chop veggies. And mostly we are excited, excited, excited!

This year we had the privilege of some guests from Armenia who were staying with my parents joining us for the meal, and they stuck around for an hour after most everyone else needed to leave to prepare for the Candlelight Service. They took a family picture for us after we'd cleaned up and dressed for our own departure to the church and I couldn't have felt more blessed by this simple act, which gave us our first good Christmas Eve photo in... well... maybe ever!

Of the 48 hours that are Christmas Eve [Day] and Christmas Day, the Candlelight Service at church will perhaps always be my favorite tradition. It doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't have to be seamless, it doesn't have to have flawless sound engineering or singing or sharing. It just has to be an opportunity for me to take a deep breath between a houseful of guests and the busyness that lies yet ahead before I can go to sleep for the night, an opportunity to remember the Why of all we are doing and to be overcome by the Good News, each and every year, for it to be incredibly meaningful to me.

Jesus came to make a way. During a season when I am even more deeply aware of my inadequacies and imperfections, this message means all the more!

We light candles and sing Silent Night, Holy Night and O, Come Let Us Adore Him and such peace, such gratitude, such acute awareness of His generosity poured out on us who are so unworthy overwhelms me, and I can hardly believe I am the recipient of this kind of love.

And just as quickly we blow out the candles and the overhead lights are turned back on and we are calling out Merry Christmas! and giving last hugs and donning coats and reminding overly wound up children to stay nearby so we don't lose one in the bustling crowd of people who are all trying to leave at the same time!

Once home, the children hurry into their Christmas pajamas, given to them on December first, while I arrange a plate of cookies and make homemade eggnog (our first year to make it with eggs from our very own chickens, so that was fun!) to be enjoyed around the tree before they exchange their gifts to one another. The conversation, of course, revolves around which kind of Christmas cookie is the favorite, and they all feel quite the experts on the subject by this time in the season!

We conclude this time by reading the Christmas story once more. My mom gave us a beautifully illustrated book that tells the story using the King James Version a few years ago and it has become one of my most treasured Christmas books. If you don't have a nice illustrated book that tells the story of Jesus' birth, I highly recommend this one!

This year we kept gifts simple. Stockings had new water bottles and toothbrushes and bandaids and chapstick-- things necessary and yet received gladly, and for that I am thankful. I quickly filled stockings and Daniel assembled the one gift that couldn't easily be wrapped and then I set the table for breakfast the next morning.

That night, Elliot seemed to come down with a bit of a mystery fever. No other symptoms, but it was enough that the next morning he laid on the couch while all the hub-bub took place around him.

Christmas Day is always a blur of activity. Stockings and gifts and games and a special breakfast and phone calls. We joined my family at Mom and Dad's in the afternoon and celebrated more. Thanks to Mom and her amazing gift-giving ability, there were even new clothes for the adults to wear on this special day!

Following Christmas we prepared for Daniel's parents, brother, sister-in-law, and two nephews to be in the North Country for several days. We concluded 2014 and ushered in the New Year with them, as well as with Daniel's sister and her family who live up here, having lots of fun: games, outdoor play, bowling, the movies, and more. It was fun to have all the cousins on the Paladin side together-- 14 in all!

It's in looking back that I find myself stirred for what lies ahead. Not because I see my failures and want to do better, but because I see God's faithfulness and am certain I will see it again.

December

I doubt that I'm alone in that December is one of my favorite months of the year.

It's not because I like the temperature. (I don't.)
It's not because I like how little daylight we get. (I don't.)
It's not because I like snow. (I do for about a day.)
It's not because I like overindulging in Christmas cookies. (Okay, I do in the moment, but it's always quickly regrettable.)

I love December because a hush seems to fall over me this time of year; a purposeful pause; a deep soul inhaling and exhaling. I always mean to live life in a peace-centered way, but the truth is that some seasons (quite literally) feel more pressured than others.

There's something about December that begs for lingering around a simple dinner table just a few minutes longer.

Something that stops me short in my normal routine and cries out for little opportunities to be woven throughout the day in order to better cherish the people around me.

I wrap myself in a blanket first thing in the morning and open my Bible and here by the tree I find myself considering afresh the kind of God I serve: generous, faithful, pursuing, redemptive. And maybe it's the mood-lighting but really I think it's just that I am rehearsing the Gospel again that makes my eyes fill with tears and my heart fill with hope once again.

I fill the house with candles and freshly baked smells, and there are secret whispers and hesitantly expressed wishes and holiday music. Together, we share these things.

I find myself reaching out more to all those I love this time of year, His expression of reaching out compelling me to a love offering of the same kind. The coffee pot is ready, the cookie tins are filled, the door is open.

Children, their eyes bright, their excitement at times too exuberant (!), their hearts hopeful, their embraces ready.

I pass on the traditions and hope that the traditions in and of themselves never become a burdensome requirement, but simply that they will be memories cherished, truths illustrated, a celebration made big.

Special stacks of Christmas books and stockings hung in a row and-- oh my!-- red beaded garland here and orange and clove garland there and mistletoe garland yet there. Rehearsing music and planning parties. Quiet nights with the agenda cleared.

This is what December means to me:

A Baby, born of a virgin, destined for a Cross. His pain inevitable, His victory certain. God incarnate, with us, with me, here and now and forever and always.

Me, remembering what it's all about, falling in love with my Savior again, growing surer in Who He is and less concerned with who I am, wanting everything about me and my existence-- especially in this season-- to echo the joyous cry:

Glory to God in the highest!

And on earth peace, goodwill toward men.

easter 2014

Easter.

My favorite day of the year, every year. Not because I tell myself it should be. It just is. How can it not be when I wake up instantly thinking, "My Jesus died for me because He loves me, and then He rose again so that I might have new life, too!" Makes me realize that if I only woke up more days thinking that thought, I would have day after day after day of victorious living.

This year, even the weather knew to cooperate. The sun shone, the air warmed, the grass turned greener, the shoots that are busily springing up grew taller.

On Friday I set about our traditions of baking cheesebraid for Easter breakfast, piecing together something special to wear-- a little from the closets and drawers, a whole lot from the stored-away totes of summer clothing, a tie here and there bought for this day, new pants for the tallest boy and a new dress for the oldest girl-- assembling our basket treasure hunt, setting tables, wrapping new books. Bit by bit. I have to pace myself, you know, or else it wouldn't get done. I am not superwoman. I just love a good celebration and will fit in the preparations where I can in order to enjoy every bit of it that I can!

On a regular basis, we make big deals out of lots of things. Sports teams. Academic accomplishments. New jobs. Retirement. Marriages. New babies. New homes. Selling old homes. Moving. Travel.

Jesus, His death and resurrection, is the biggest deal going. Nothing will ever top what He did. No one will ever surpass who He is. There will never be a Love that is stronger, deeper, truer. And my prayer is that my kids know through and through that there isn't a holiday, an accomplishment, or an event that tops our celebration of Him and what He's done for us!

The clothes, the food, the time away from ordinary routines, the gifts, the family-- these things communicate that we are a celebrating people because we have a victorious King!

 

As Daniel began our day with a reading of the Easter story, I felt myself freshly drawn into the majesty of God's plan. Lowly to the human understanding, more perfect than anything we could ever dream up.

 

And then the basket hunt, when year after year I do my best to write clues in a rhyming fashion and year after year Daniel and I chuckle at what apparently sounded good late the night before but now after some sleep is obviously a hack-job at best. The kids don't seem to care... yet anyway!

Found! And what joy!

 

Even Oliver had a basket this year, as much because he desperately needed new onesies as for any other reason. He had no clue either way, but I'm enjoying the onesies immensely on his behalf!

New books on Easter are a tradition my mom began for me when I was young. I loved it then and I love sharing it now with my children. We went very simple this year-- just a few dollars a book-- but they are still titles that are dear to my heart and I hope become dear to their hearts.

Elliot was perhaps the least enthralled with many of the morning's activities-- especially when it came time for photo-taking. Even when he's grumpy he's cute, but don't tell him that or he'll sulk all the more!

Wonderful moments at church. Too many to count and too captivating for either Daniel or I to have remembered to take pictures-- even when it was our own kids up front!

Then lunch at my parents'. We all pitch in with the food, but really? My mama knows how to pull out the stops. She's the one who taught me to love celebrations.

 

All of us gathered around the One who is worth celebrating.

A family photo on the porch, an annual tradition-- as long as the weather cooperates!

Walking down to the neighbors' for a hymn-sing to end the day. O Sacred Head Now Wounded, When I Survey, Up From The Grave He Arose.

 

Easter Sunday. A day when I remember. A day when I celebrate. A day when I see afresh that this joy, this victory, this is the stuff that ought to be my everyday reality. Jesus has been so good to me! And how right it is to take special time and effort and care to remind myself of just how available His love is to me all the time.

the Son is calling

 
It is still cold outside and deep, deep snow still covers the ground.

I shake my head as I light the first candle on Wednesday evening, as I hang the first Scripture just before we sit down to share our simple dinner together. I grumble inwardly, There are some places in the world where the season approaching Easter is warm and all things Easter-y. Not here. Hardly ever here.

And then, my heart catches in my throat as I realize how fitting it is, how appropriate it is that while we remain in this season of dormancy and death, we begin to look ahead. We look ahead to Jesus, to the only true Bringer of Life.

When we were yet dead in our trespasses and sin, He died for us.

Because He is good.

Because He saw something in us worth redeeming. Beneath that sin-scarred exterior, right through to the sin-marred interior of our hearts, He saw something worth giving His life for. Something worth buying back.

Beneath that snow, beneath that layer of ice and the barren exterior, there lies life. Life waiting to be called forth by the sun.

And so I light our candle and I hang our Scriptures, one by one by one. There is snow on the ground and there are snowflakes in my window, but there is life waiting to be called forth.

Called forth by the Son.

a new year

We ushered in the new year in a quiet, family celebration sort of way.

a candlelit New Year's Eve dinner with sparkling grape juice

(Confession: we were all in bed by 10:30.)

good morning and happy new year from my littlest men

Daniel decided we should spend the new year playing the new games.

a rousing round of Candyland

Skip-Bo!

Risk, which Daniel and I were both absolutely destroyed by the kids in

Bronwyn cleaned up pretty well, overall

 

And what New Year's Day would be complete without food? We ate a fun lunch at home, and we shared a lovely dinner with my family.

This week for me is when I really begin to turn my thoughts to the new year. Along with our church family, we are spending the next several days fasting and praying. As I seek the Lord afresh for what He is saying and drawing me toward, there is one thing I am more certain of than ever: we absolutely, desperately need Jesus this year.

Without Him, we are lost.
In Him, we are home.