valentine's day

It was a simple Valentine's Day for us this year.

To be honest, celebration of any kind almost didn't happen. I was so tired and just feeling a little worn out physically and emotionally.

But then came the simplicity of my seven-year-old's request coupled with such earnest hope in her eyes, "Mom, do you think we'll decorate heart cookies today?" and I couldn't say no.

Cookie dough got mixed up and popped in the fridge. I pulled out the defrosted pork loin and began preparing it. A simple table can be beautiful and honestly doesn't require much effort.

And a little red food coloring in buttercream frosting delights the hearts of little girls everywhere.

Our celebration was simple, but perhaps more memorable than any other Valentine's Day I've experienced yet, because it reminded me that even when the pressures and cares of life press in hard, even when I feel worn out and like there's not much left to give, as I put one love action in front of another, He meets me. By the time dinner was served and we were gathered around the table, I felt so refreshed, so filled.

The greatest of these truly is love.

my blonde-haired boy

Fierce. Passionate. Gifted.

If you ask me what are the words that describe Elliot Hale, these are the first that come to mind.

He loves what he loves.

He hates what he hates.

He wants what he wants.

Don't bother trying to coax him into changing his mind; pretty much the only way for his mind to be changed is through a clashing of wills. Sometimes I almost think there's something in the way he's wired that looks for the fight.

My little prophet Elijah, my tiny protective shepherd-boy David, ready to take on the enemy of his hour.

Even before he was talking much, he would notice patterns and eagerly point them out to me: logos, designs, hair styles, colors and shapes and sizes on various objects and signs.

He knows every sound that every letter makes, not because I've taught him, but because he has gleaned much from my work with Aubrey. His little mind gathering, absorbing, filing away.

And, of course, he's been comfortable with a ball in his hand longer than he's been walking.

These days, though, there are new words that come to mind equally fast when I think of Elliot.

Affectionate. Excited. Celebratory. Growing.

I see his little heart being shaped and it is breathtaking. Let me be honest and say that I wish I'd had faith for this more before now, but the truth is that at times I've simply hung onto the truths of the Word of God in relation to training because it was just so hard. But now? Now when he sets his jaw and very purposefully puts his hand in mine to cross the street, it is almost more precious to me because I know the deep inward yielding it represents.

I tell him often, "Elliot, I want you to obey me because I want you to obey God," and these days he says it with me, so familiar are the words.

He loves to celebrate people, which is a new thing erupting from his little heart. His proudest moment perhaps ever was when he "helped" Daniel make my birthday cake. "Mama, I made birthday cake for you!"

When one of the other kids makes a good play in a game or creates a nice piece of artwork or is brave while enduring something unpleasant, he is very quick to take note and shower said person with encouragement.

Often when he is struggling with disappointment or the agony of submitting to my leadership or just having a rough day, the surest way to minister to him is to pull him onto my lap, hold him close, and sing his favorite hymn, Great Is Thy Faithfulness. He melts in those moments, his little arms pulling my head down close to his.

We share some tight heart strings, my Elliot Hale and I. He has challenged me and I have challenged him. He has forgiven and loved me, and I have forgiven and loved him. Such a powerful person in an altogether not-so-big package.

There is much more to be accomplished in him and me as we walk this journey, mother and son, together, but lately I have been so reminded in a multitude of little things that God is at work in us both and He will be faithful.

ten

Bronwyn Eliese.

Fair; pure. Consecrated to God.

This beautiful, innocent, gentle, gracious girl turned ten years old this month.

Sweet, kind, patient.
Not sassy, not bossy, not overly opinionated.
Endlessly forgiving.
Not ego-centric.
Sincere.
Without guile.

I'm so thankful for her and who she has been in our family.

And more and more these days, I am thankful for who she is in the Kingdom.

Happy Birthday, beautiful girl. May you continue to set an example of purity and consecration in your generation your whole life long.

sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if I am alone in this-- but most times I am sure I am not-- in that my every single day seems to be filled with highs, lows, peace, chaos, strife, forgiveness, laughs, tears. One minute I am feeling so blessed I am certain I couldn't ask for one more thing and the next I am on my knees, in tears before the Lord, begging for strength and courage and wisdom and loved ones.

Just an hour after the peaceful breakfast and laughter-filled devotions, I find myself sending a desperate text to my husband (other days it might be a friend) asking for prayer because I am at the end of my proverbial rope and about to be swallowed up.

Have you ever been there? That place where you're certain the only solution for the day is that everyone go to bed so we can just start over?

I find myself there almost daily. Some days more than others and deeper in it than others-- whether a frazzled moment trying to get everyone out the door or the overwhelming fears that come with various trials-- but there nonetheless.

If there's anything that I realize the Lord is wanting to teach me over and over and over again, it's that He is the reset. Not a new day, not more sleep, not different circumstances, not disappearing challenges, not better help, not a tidier house, not closer friendships, no thing but Himself. Not that those things aren't nice and that they don't make life more pleasant, but can I just say? They are not necessary. He alone is necessary.

What's amazing is that when I call the time out, when I drop what I'm doing, stop my not-so-pleasant-toned urging, quit my moping, dry my tears, still my fears, and call on the Lord, He is faithful to respond.

Over and over and over again.

He doesn't grow weary with me. He doesn't ask on that hundredth time I am falling apart, "When are you going to get yourself together, Brietta?!" He forgives, He restores, He pours out love, He promises strength.

And not just sometimes, but every time, the  stress, angst, sorrows, and terror get swallowed up in joy and peace and harmony and Kingdom vision.

The solution is never in what I see with my eyes or feel in my soul. The solution is fixing my mind on Him.

stretching

It's one of those seasons. The kind where I feel myself being pulled a little bit more taut, a little bit further, a little bit harder. The kind when I wish it were that I could just say I've bitten off more than I can chew and then simply pull back, but really I know that it's the Lord growing and expanding and putting some good, Holy Spirit pressure on me.

Pressure to dig in, in new ways. Pressure to be a little bit more to a few more. Pressure to hear from Him afresh.

My children are no longer all little ones. As terrifying a thought as it can at times be, I have had to acknowledge that we are growing beyond "the early years" with our older ones-- especially my oldest, whose tendency toward analysis and introspection is perhaps catapulting him toward growing up faster than I would often choose. Heart to hearts and grappling with sin and yielding already-firmly-formed habits to Jesus are becoming a deeper and regular and necessary occurrence.

And yet even as I am feeling the stretching of a new season beginning to engulf us, I'm a mama to a 9-week-old, I am in the throes of the turbulent toddler years with another, I am trying to make sure I find time to sit and read to the 4-year-old who is content enough to let me forget about her altogether if I am not careful, I'm working with a struggling early learner, I am guarding an 8-year-old's childhood, I am schooling and cooking and laundering and cheering and correcting and all the other myriad of things that come with the title Mother.

Of course I feel unequal to the task.
Of course I am unequal to the task.

What a comfort it is to know that He is ready to pour out all grace, all wisdom, all hope, all blessing that I need. What I lack in pedigree, skill, and knowledge, He gives to me each day in the amazing form of Himself in me. What a blessed thought.

"Know Me. Abide in Me. Find your strength in Me. Discover joy in Me. Rest in Me."

My choice is you, God, first and only. And now I find I’m your choice! 
You set me up with a house and yard. And then you made me your heir! 
The wise counsel God gives when I’m awake is confirmed by my sleeping heart. 
Day and night I’ll stick with God; I’ve got a good thing going and I’m not letting go. 
I’m happy from the inside out, and from the outside in, I’m firmly formed. 
You canceled my ticket to hell— that’s not my destination! 
Now you’ve got my feet on the life path, all radiant from the shining of your face. 
Ever since you took my hand, I’m on the right way.

Psalm 16:7-11
 

 My book-end boys: 2 months and almost 11 years old.
How I love them, and each one in-between.
I wouldn't trade this calling to motherhood for any riches, fame, or opportunity in the world!

saying yes also means saying no

I'm not sure if it's simply that I'm a victim of my culture, or that I'm a victim of my own guilt and/or pride, but I have trouble saying, "No." (Let's be honest: I'm probably a victim of both.)

The problem with this is that too many Yes's later, I am either having a personal breakdown or have now got myself a long list people I've let down.

The end of pregnancy is always a very humbling time for me. I literally cannot keep saying, "Yes."

I can't.

And ouch! does it hurt to realize that.

The other day I was telling Daniel tearfully about how I feel like I'm not doing enough here and that I've dropped the ball there and, oh, what about them? and you know what he said to me?

"You've said, Yes, to this baby, Brietta. And that means saying, No, to other things. And that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. It's the way it's supposed to work. You are not infinite in your time, abilities, strength, and energy. It's important to be tangibly reminded of that."

It sounded very reassuring in the moment, but when I have to look someone in the eye and say, "I can't do that, sorry," it's a whole 'nother story. I have learned to just say it, but I feel wracked with guilt, completely insecure, and extremely humbled for days afterwards.

Maybe I'm the only one.

But I've been doing lots of thinking about this concept of saying Yes and saying No and what it really means.

Because sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I can keep adding.

Oh! that's a good idea, let me add that to my day!
So and so needs help? Sure! I'll do it!
Maybe I could ask _______ to do that, but why ask someone to do something that I'm perfectly capable of doing myself; that doesn't seem right!

The truth is that, for the most part in life, none of the things I'm adding are actually so huge that I immediately feel the cost in my time and energy elsewhere. But whether or not I see it right away and for what it is, the bottom line is that for each thing I add, something does get lost.

The investment opportunities abound and even scream at us for our attention, have you noticed? The extra science experiment, the music lessons, the 24-hour soaked grains, the ministry at church that is short on workers, the baby shower here and the bridal shower there, the list of books that are all so appealing and seem so necessary, the one-on-one dates with the kids, the people to invite to dinner, the birthday celebrations, the counseling, the play dates, and on and on and on it goes.

None of them are evil.

But none of them are intrinsically God-for-me either.

And if I fill up my time with the looks-good investments, at some point the God-led investments are suffering and being neglected, and what then have I done to myself and to the ones (and the One) I am trying so very hard to serve?

So these days, as I'm physically and emotionally limited more than usual and am confronted almost instantaneously when I take on too much, I am asking the Lord to teach me an important lesson for always: give me the wisdom to recognize and the perseverance to make the God-led investments and to not be distracted by the looks-good investments. This is something He wants to lead me (and each of us!) very personally in. The God-led investments vary from person to person, and even from season to season. One month obedience requires that I say, "No," to a request or a need; the next it requires that I say, "Yes." There is no formula, no magic equation I can apply to know once and for all where I ought to spend my resources. I have to stay close to the Holy Spirit, and I have to remain sensitive and flexible.

And I must stay always remembering: I am not infinite in my time, abilities, strength, and energy. He alone can be the Source, the Answer, the Enough for each person, each situation, each need.

re-calibrating

Tonight, I breathe a deep sigh.

Five children are tucked in bed, the littlest ones sleeping and the bigger ones reading. Gabriel and Daniel are out at Monday Night Classes. Right now, it is quiet and it is peaceful and I am alone with my thoughts.

But earlier couldn't have been more different. Earlier was loud and earlier was chaotic and earlier was me saying faster than I was thinking, barking orders quicker than I could even process the necessity of them, caving to my emotions instead of Truth.

The other night she asks, "If someone were with you 24/7, would they still want to be like you?"

She didn't ask it in a, "Get your life together, honey!" sort of way, but in a, "Would they see Jesus in the midst of your everyday-ness," sort of way.

And I can't stop thinking about it.

This evening, before the husband arrived home and took the 20 minutes he had before needing to leave again to patch me up and put me back together, I was a hot mess. And that question quickened to my mind again and angry tears smarted in my eyes that it would even dare come into my consciousness in such a moment.

Why does the bar have to be set so high? I cry.

And sooner than I can even ask, I know why.

He has been reminding me often these past weeks.

So that you will know it isn't you that holds things together, and so that you will know it is My power that transforms you from the inside out.

Oh, but it stings. It stings to be reminded yet again of how just frail I am on my own; just how rotten and sick and  helpless. It stings to even be in this season of very practically coming face to face with my own physical limitations, of realizing once more just how finite my strength and stamina are.

In fact, it even shows me how little faith I have. Because at times like this I realize how much I doubt, how often I wonder, Can you really do what you say You will do with me, Lord?

The thing is, when I step back and I am honest and tearfully confess my unbelief and I ask Him how it will be different tomorrow, He reminds me that I am His. He reminds me that it is His Gospel at work in me that is the difference-maker. He reminds me that those things, those sins that I so often return to, have no power over me any more. He reminds me that He never tires of me throwing myself upon His mercies, again and again and again and again. He reminds me of how present a help He wants to be in times of distress and in times of weakness. He reminds me that peace is not order, it is not cleanliness, it is not meeting all the needs around me, it is not my having it together-- He is my peace.

And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, among who also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others.

But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grave you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

a year in review

Life is so much more than the quick highlights and events that take place, and yet I do love remembering the highlights and events because they trigger thoughts of what God has been doing in us and how incredibly faithful He has been to us. I suppose I'm the only reader who gets the full picture of it all, but hopefully you'll enjoy remembering with me anyway!

 
January

- We celebrated Jackson's fifth birthday. (Unbelievable!)

- The Make-A-Wish Foundation sent our family to Disney World for the week so Aubrey could see a castle and meet princesses. It was memorable, special, wonderful, and luxurious!

 

February

- Our church closed on a building in Potsdam that we had been hoping/looking to buy for almost 2 years. Daniel was instrumental in the closing process and subsequently to the remodeling and planning processes.

- Gabriel turned eight!

- We got lots of snow! The kids had so much fun building snowmen, sledding in our yard and at The Big Hill in town, having snowball fights, and making snow angels.

 

March

- We wrapped up another Upward Basketball season with a great deal of competitive fun that extended to the sidelines at times! Both Gabriel and Jackson played this year, and Daniel coached.

- Our three school-age children participated in another CFA Grandparents' Day celebrations. They all sang in choirs and participated in the talent show with a dance routine.

 

April

- Gabriel participated in a wedding as a ring bearer for some good friends in Pittsburgh. He looked handsome and was tremendously blessed to play a part.

- We had a lovely, mild Easter!

 

May

- Daniel and I traveled quite a bit, attending three out-of-town weddings in one month.

- Gabriel began his 2nd year of baseball in our town's league, which included being given the opportunity to march in the annual Memorial Day parade.

- The kids all participated in CFA's end-of-the-year Academy Night. I wrapped up the year as the 2nd-4th grade choir teacher and 1st-2nd grade story time teacher, and Daniel finished his year as assistant director, K-12 phys ed teacher, and 3-4th grade character class teacher.

 

June

- We planted our vegetable garden, something we've done for the past three years now. It is one of the highlights of summer for us all at this point.

- Bronwyn finished her first year of ballet study with a dance showcase.

- Jackson graduated from kindergarten!

- We began a major home remodeling project, expanding our upstairs by about 330 square feet. That project is on track to be finished sometime this coming summer/fall, as anticipated.

- Daniel ran his first 10k!

 

July

- The whole Sinclair family traveled to Long Island to celebrate Independence Day with Aunt Judy, Uncle Huck, and girls-- and also to celebrate my sister Louissa's engagement! We visited NYC and FAO Schwartz while in the area.

- Work on the building in Potsdam continued and Daniel began logging more and more hours there. He is turning into quite the remodeler!

- I ran a 5k, despite poor running habits this year overall, and the 3 big kids ran a 1-mile race. We all had a great time.

- I spent a whole week of my life painting the kids' bedrooms, many pieces of bedroom furniture, and the stairway. A whole week, pretty much day and night, I tell you.

 

August

- Daniel, Gabriel, and I headed out with a team of musicians for a youth conference in Michigan that Daniel was asked to lead worship and speak at. Bronwyn and Jackson stayed with some good friends while Aubrey and Claire stayed with my parents. It was the longest we've ever been away from any of our kids, excepting our time in Syracuse following Aubrey's birth.

- Daniel's parents came for a visit and to return Gabriel home after the week he spent having the time of his life with them in Pittsburgh.

- Bronwyn turned seven!

- We announced that Paladin #6 is on his/her way and due late March.

- I attended the first birth I've been to since Julia was born (unless you count my own children's, but those weren't exactly optional) and saw my niece Beatrice make her grand entrance into the world.

- Daniel poured countless hours into the building Potsdam, preparing it for the first service on September 4th.

 

September

- Our church launched its Potsdam location, which is where Daniel leads worship and oversees the service that we attend each week as a family.

- We started another school year: Gabriel in 3rd grade, Bronwyn in 2nd, and Jackson in 1st.

- Bronwyn began another semester of studying ballet with a new teacher and dance studio since her old teacher is no longer giving classes in Potsdam. She loves the art and is a lovely little dancer who has every hope of continuing with her studies for quite some time.

- Aubrey, our miracle baby, celebrated her fourth birthday. God is good!

- Carina and Julia put together an amazing Hoe-down/Engagement Party/Bridal Shower for Louissa and Josiah. It was one of the most fun parties I've ever been to.

 

October

- Daniel and I celebrated 10 years of marriage with a 3 day/2 night get-away to Montreal, Canada. We did lots of fun things and ate [too much] delicious food and, most of all, enjoyed being together. I am so thankful for this man who leads me in the ways of the Lord, and I love him more today than I did 10 years ago!

- We began another year of CFA Friday Program. Daniel is officially overseeing this ministry of our local church to homeschooling families and doing a great job. I am teaching choir and story time again, and three of our children are attending as students.

- Our church hosted an alumni reunion and we got to reconnect with lots of alumni who grew incredibly near and dear to us in their time in the North Country.

- My sister Louissa got married to a great guy. Her wedding was beautiful!

- Gabriel and Bronwyn began another year of piano lessons with Aunt Camilla, and Gabriel began some drum lessons with Papa.

 

November

- Claire turned two years old on the 1st.

- We headed to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving, stopping first in Syracuse for in-depth prenatal tests (all clear!) and a hotel stay on our way.

 

December

- December contained lots of Christmas parties, a concert or two, special meetings, holiday decorating, tree-getting, choir-practicing, and cookie-baking. We love this time of year!

- Bronwyn had her tonsils removed after dealing with severe tonsil infections and abscesses on and off since she was two years old. Her recovery was quick and relatively painless.

- We celebrated Christmas with our sixth year of Christmas Eve and Christmas morning traditions right here in our own home. It is a joy to celebrate the amazing kindness of our God; and it is wonderful to see our children growing to love celebrating with one another.

Daniel & Brietta
Gabriel (8), Bronwyn (7), Jackson (5), Aubrey (4), Claire (2) & baby #6 due at the end of March 

 

In all the ups and downs one year contains (and it does contain a lot!), we are so blessed. We have a warm and inviting home to live in, five (six!) beautiful and growing children, a job that is so much more than just a job working for a church that is truly family to us, friends and family that we love and can count on, and the infinite joy of walking with Jesus. I'm so thankful that as we begin another year, our rest is found in Christ and the faithful work He has begun in us.

Happy New Year!