Worship

I can't ever remember what day it is here in the NICU. For example, our hostess here in Syracuse reminded me that yesterday was Aubrey's estimated due date, which I had completely forgotten. It's strange to consider that I had every intention of being pregnant today.

I do know that today is Sunday, though. And I know that I miss being with my church family.

I know that I miss brushing Bronwyn's hair and tying it in ribbons to match a pretty dress-- a pink dress, of course. I know that I miss 2 little boys in matching shirts-- twin shirts, as Uncle Merrick would say. I miss singing my heart out in worship. And good teaching and preaching.

Yet there is a confidence in me that God is using my humble and simple acts of worship right here where I am, and that His grace is making up for everyone and everything else I am missing.

Yes, my brain is a bit mushy and my emotions a bit raw after 2 weeks straight of being in an intensive care unit most every waking moment, but even that can't keep me from noticing the people around me who are facing equal difficulties and are doing so without the Lord. I make gentle inquiries, offer prayer, extend sympathy. This time and these circumstances-- though not what I would ever ask for or choose-- give me an opportunity to worship. I pray that I will be faithful.

Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.

Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.

Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

Progress

Yesterday morning, one of the doctors here stopped in to check on Aubrey. Her comments were full of optimism and expectancy, and my heart burst with hope afresh. I truly and firmly believe the Lord is touching our baby.

Aubrey is up to 32cc (or ml) of breastmilk when I'm not around to feed her myself. The daytime nurse she's had the past couple days took time to order a special bottle that they have often found helpful for "cardiac kids" who get tired and quit too easily. Thanks to the nurse's and Daniel's persistence (she can take up to 45 minutes to bottle-feed), it has now been over 24 hours since Aubrey had her last gavage feeding.

Also, due to the increasing amount of breastmilk she is getting, her IV nutrients are quickly being weaned. This should mean that within a day or two, her PICC line will probably be removed and she will be fed solely by Mama and bottle.

Nobody here likes to make predictions about when we might go home, but they do drop clues about how they feel things are going. On Thursday, the nurse had Daniel and I take the infant CPR class they like all parents to take before leaving with their baby. The doctor yesterday was asking if we've been trained yet in administering Aubrey's meds. We were told that very soon Aubrey should be up to the 45cc (about 1.5oz) of breastmilk that they want her eating before sending her home. The cardiologists have said that she is looking great and is proving herself stable. I am praying that the Lord will continue to strengthen Aubrey and that it will not be altogether too many more days before our little family is reunited in our little yellow house.

Thank you so much for praying. God is hearing.

2 Weeks Old*

*I wanted to write this yesterday, but we had a busier-than-usual day and I didn't manage to find any time while here at the hospital (this is where we have internet access) to do so. Since Aubrey isn't technically 2 weeks and 1 day old until 7pm tonight, I figured I could still do a little "2 Week Update."

A Bit About Aubrey

:: She now weighs 3450 grams (7lbs, 9.7oz) and is 19.5" long.

:: She nursed at 10:30am, 1:30pm and 4:30pm yesterday!

:: Her IV nutrients continue to be lessened as her breastmilk intake has increased to 24cc every 3 hours.

:: The nurses and doctors all talk continually about how content and pleasant she is.

:: Her hair is very copper-y in color and seems far less smooth and silky than my other children's-- maybe it will be curly?

:: She absolutely loves to cuddle and be held, and we love to accommodate.

:: She is a miracle happening before our eyes.

The Rollercoaster

Last night, I was feeling a bit discouraged and disappointed. I hadn't been able to nurse Aubrey all day because of her respiratory rate, we hadn't talked with any cardiologists in several days, and our nurse was just plain old difficult. The Lord had to remind me that the battle is not about breastfeeding vs. gavage feeding or a great nurse vs. an unpleasant one and that He is in control.

Today, we arrived at Aubrey's bedside at 10:30am to find that at her 7:30am feeding she had been breathing slow enough to get a bottle instead of being fed by through a tube and the nurse was setting up for me to nurse her right then. This alone was a huge victory as Daniel and I were both feeling about ready to go to bat on this issue and the Lord was very clearly showing us that He is ready and willing to go to bat for us.

In addition, there was a lactation consultant around and she was able help Aubrey and I tremendously. Let me tell you, trying to teach a baby with a heart condition who has IVs in her armpit pumping nutrients into her body 24/7 how to breastfeed is very different than my past experiences, and having someone with some tricks up her sleeve helping us made a huge difference.

On top of that, I was able to nurse Aubrey again at 1:30pm! This is the first time I've been able to nurse her two feedings in a row. She did amazingly well both times and-- wonder of wonders-- she actually breathes much more slowly and calmly while nursing than any other time.

All of this was after talking with one of the cardiologists on the phone first thing this morning and finding out that they (the cardiologists here) are so unconcerned about Aubrey right now, they didn't even end up discussing her yesterday when they conferenced with the pediatric surgeon! They truly feel that she is stable and have every hope of seeing her come home to grow and get stronger before they would operate on her.

And this evening we had two more visitors stop in and share a meal with us and pray with us. They gave us great encouragement and their words truly built up our faith.

So, yes, life in the NICU is very much a rollercoaster ride, with things looking very dismal one day and then very hopeful the next. And yet God remains faithful in it all, and prayerfully Daniel and I are learning to be less directed by what goes on around us and more by His Word, which is always good.

A Miracle

Aubrey doesn't just need healing, she needs a miracle.

And God is able.

There is the temptation to dismiss my hope and faith as being naive or overly-optimistic, except that I know Who I serve. He delights in redemption.

You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, For in Yah, the Lord, is everlasting strength.  ~Isaiah 26:3

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord



Our God, You reign forever

Our hope, our Strong Deliverer



You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God

You do not faint

You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak

You comfort those in need

You lift us up on wings like eagles

~Chris Tomlin, Everlasting God

Aubrey in her "big girl crib" (she's out of the warmer!):

Blessings

The nurses are constantly commenting on how pleasant Aubrey is. She rarely cries except when being poked or prodded, and even then she is very tolerant. I am so glad that she is such a welcomed patient by these nurses and that I don't have to worry about her crying a lot when I'm not around to help comfort her.

This morning when Daniel made the phone call to check in on Aubrey after the night, we got a wonderful report! Aubrey's respiratory rate was as low as 68 breaths a minute at one point and so she was able to get her 3cc (less than a teaspoon) of breastmilk in a bottle instead of by gavage feeding. In addition, I was able to try nursing her twice yesterday because her respiratory rate was right around 80 breaths a minute (the maximum the neonatologists want to see). This is all just a few short days after her respiratory rate was climbing as high as 120 breaths a minute.

Aubrey now weighs 7lbs8oz and is looking wonderful. Her cheeks are as chubby as ever and her mouth as unbelievably cute as ever.

Daniel and I are learning what a rollercoaster ride the NICU can easily become and how much one comment by a nurse or a physician can either send us into a tailspin or bring great rejoicing. Every morning on our way in, we remind ourselves that the Lord knows what we need before we even ask: He knows the report we will get, the plans that will be made and the choices that we will be confronted with, and His grace is ready and waiting for us.

Yesterday we had some visitors from this area and today we are anticipating some time with a lady who is full of faith for healing. We have been so blessed to be continually surrounded by believers who are praying for God's best for Aubrey.

Daniel and I are so enjoying the hours of cuddling and being with our baby. Every time I start to feel overwhelmed by the hurdles ahead of us, the Lord reminds me of how far we've come. Aubrey is such a blessing.

“Here is a little mouth to kiss; here are two more feet to make music
with their pattering about my nursery. Here is a soul to train for God,
and the body in which it dwells is worth all it will cost, since it is
abode of a kingly tenant. I may see less of friends, but I have gained
one dearer than them all. Yes, my precious baby, you are welcome to
your mothers heart, welcome to her time, her strength, her health, to
her most tender cares, to her life-long prayers! Oh how rich I am, how
truly, how wondrously blest!”
~ Elizabeth Prentiss’ Stepping Heavenward

Faith, My Friend

When Daniel and I were very much newlyweds (maybe married 4-5 months), a pastor in the area we were living in shared a prophetic word with us. There were many elements to it and we have gone on to see God do what He said He would do. We have also found much strength as the Lord has brought to mind this word time and time again.

The final admonition we received that night several years ago was, "Make faith your friend and fear your enemy."

God has been reminding us of this again.

All around us in the NICU are families who are in difficult battles. Their babies are sick and their hearts are broken. The tears that are wept are very real. These are people who are not only facing significant troubles, but also unbelievable fear. I see it in other mothers' eyes and I recognize it well, because the tentacles of this fear have tried to tie my heart up, too.

The Lord promises to deliver me from both the troubles and the fear. And He has-- over and over and over again in these past 10 days.

And as He does, I am undone by His tender mercy.

He loves us. He restores us. He heals our hearts and our bodies. He gives rest. He lends strength. He defends and does battle for us.

How good it is to know the Lord.

Our Yesterday

:: Upon arriving at Aubrey's bedside yesterday at 10:30am promptly (for Sarah: when I asked last night, there were 62 babies in this NICU, which I guess explains the long physicians' rounds), I was told that two things were changing in regards to her care: 1. her umbilical line was reaching the "expiration date" and so she would be switched to a PICC line, and 2. they were going to begin gavage feedings because they were worried about her bowels atrophying since she was approaching 8 full days old. At first this was disappointing to me-- the PICC line is because her sugar levels still aren't good enough to put in a peripheral line and the gavage feedings are because she hasn't been able to nurse enough-- but all in all I know that what the NICU staff has done is bought us more time before the cardiologists are forced to get her respiratory rate slowed down by some sort of surgical intervention.

:: We had such a wonderful time with Gabriel, Bronwyn, and Jackson. It was reassuring to see that while they don't completely understand all of what's taking place, they don't seem to care too much! They are having a wonderful time with Grandma in spite of missing us, and they seem very content to accept that eventually we will all be home again together.

I cried a lot, of course, when it was time to say good bye. There is much grace for us, but it still isn't very easy.

:: The cardiologists we spoke with last night basically told us that their hope is the next several days will be "quiet" ones. They continue to want to see Aubrey's respiratory rate come down-- either because of the daily dosage of the diarrhetic she's on or because her body naturally builds up some blockage in the artery that is over-circulating her lungs-- so that she can begin nursing and come home for a while. And so we are waiting.

:: Next Tuesday the four pediatric cardiologists here will have a conference with the pediatric cardiology surgeon and Aubrey's condition will be one of the several they discuss. We may have more of a game plan at that point.

:: Aubrey has a very unique heart. The cardiologists continue to say how they have never seen the combination of defects that she has in one person before. While this could be frightening to hear, it actually has reminded me of the protection of God. We didn't even know about Aubrey's condition for months and months-- we didn't know to be praying or acting-- but God did, and He was watching over her. This gives me much confidence that He truly does know what we need before we even ask.

:: Last night I suddenly remembered the contest I set up months ago predicting Aubrey's birth. I decided that the winner should not go unacknowledged, and so I plugged in the information this morning. Congrats to the winner: Kathy!

:: One of Aubrey's songs:

So fearfully and wonderfully made

How could they say

There is no God?

Reminded every breath that I take

It's by Your hand  I have been formed

So what am I gonna do with this life You gave me

What could I do but live for Your praise



You gave me this breath

and You gave me this strength

and everyday I live to obey You

with all of my heart

with all of my soul

Let every breath I breathe in display You, God.



There's elegance in all You create

Your grand designs leave us amazed

The wonders of the way we've been made

Speak of Your power

Tell of Your grace

Our New Routine

After an early morning phone call (around 6am) to the NICU to check on Aubrey, Daniel and I both settle back into bed to sleep for another hour. Then we wake, shower and dress, and make our way to The Living Room (aka the waiting room) for an hour or so of waiting, praying, 'blogging, and coffee-drinking (decaf for me, of course). We aren't allowed in to see our baby girl during this time because 8-10:30am is when the physicians are making their rounds.

From 10:30am-2:30pm we sit and stroke a soft cheek, hold a little body, make a couple trips to The Pumping Room, change diapers and record body temperatures, and pray lots more. Everyday so far we've also been able to speak with a neonatologist and a cardiologist during this time when they come for a special check on Aubrey.

At 2:30pm we reluctantly leave, well knowing this Mama needs rest even though my heart wishes I could stay by Aubrey's bedside 24/7. A nap is followed by dinner with some wonderful friends who have taken amazingly good care of us, and then we return to the NICU for a couple more hours with our newest blessing.

The night hours consist of a lot of sleeping broken by not-so-cuddly moments with the breastpump.

Today, though, our new routine will be wonderfully interrupted by a visit from Gabriel, Bronwyn, and Jackson. I woke early this morning and couldn't fall back asleep because I'm so excited to see them. This week has certainly caused me to cherish and appreciate the blessings of motherhood in a way I've never before understood. I am overwhelmed by God's goodness in letting me care for and love on these little lives.

One Week Old

It's hard to believe it's only been a week.

It's equally hard to believe it's been a week.

One week ago a doctor was standing by my bedside, tears in her eyes as she told me that my baby was very sick. One week ago a team of neonatal nurse practitioners were telling me that they would do everything they can, but their faces were grave. One week ago I was too overwhelmed to pray for anything beyond wanting to hear my baby's cry.

God is so good to us.

 

Aubrey's heart rate continues to remain stable and all her blood gas levels (oxygen and the like) are very good. Her respiratory rate has been very, very high all day long (at least 100 breaths per minute), even after a diuretic was administered in the hopes of flushing her body of any fluid that could be causing the rapid breathing. I have not been able to try nursing her at all today because of this.

The cardiologists' hope is to get Aubrey eating and sent home on medication so that she can grow more before surgery on her heart takes place. Her high respiratory rate means she shouldn't be nursing, and so we are in a bit of a holding pattern. Today the cardiologist who came by did say that surgery may have to come sooner rather than later if the respiratory issues do not resolve.

And so we are praying. And believing. For her breathing to be calm. For the hole in her heart to be healed. For confused veins to be corrected. For a miracle.

 

A week ago every professional who was looking at the ultrasound pictures of Aubrey was saying she was very, very sick. Nobody could say exactly what her condition would be when she was delivered, but there weren't high hopes. And yet God intervened and there was a cry within seconds of her arrival. There were high Apgar scores. There was much less fluid around her brain and liver and heart than had been seen only hours before.

This week has been a week of watching miracles.

I eagerly await what God will yet do.

 

Aubrey

Tonight's Burdens

It is easy for my heart to feel heavy. I am having to learn in a new way how to lay my burdens at the foot of the Cross, knowing that He longs to share His peace, victory, and joy with me in place of them. One of the ways I can do this is by telling others, and I so share these requests and find comfort in the knowledge that there are many who, as the faithful Body of Christ, are willing to stand with me.

• Aubrey's respiratory rate has been extremely high this afternoon and evening. She is consistently coming in around 90-100 breaths per minute, whereas babies are expected to breathe about 40-60 breaths a minute. We had our best nursing session yet at 1:30pm today (she actually latched on for a minute or two), but since then we haven't been allowed to nurse because her respiratory rate is so much higher than they are looking for. (The doctors have said they will accept 80 breaths per minute because of her heart condition, but are worried that anything higher could mean she will aspirate breastmilk into her lungs.) I so want to see her body at peace, and I also am anxious to make progress with feedings so that we can go home.
• This morning Aubrey had another echocardiogram (sonogram of the heart) and we should find out the results tomorrow. The waiting is hard.
• I miss my other children more than I can say. I know they are being loved on and cared for wonderfully by Grandma, but it is so incredibly hard to be away from them. My mama-heart struggles during the times when I am neither with them or with Aubrey.
• I want to keep my hope ever in the Lord and His power and not in reports or procedures. The temptation to forget Who has kept and is keeping Aubrey is ever present, but I am learning that there is only true peace when my heart looks to Him.

Thanks again for praying. It means more than I can say.

Some "Aubrey" Scriptures

Psalm 34:4, 6-10, 16-20
I sought the Lord, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears...
This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him And saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them. O taste and see that the Lord is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! O fear the Lord, you His saints; For to those who fear Him there is no want. The young lions do lack and suffer hunger; But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing...
The face of the Lord is against evildoers, To cut off the memory of them from the earth. The righteous cry, and the Lord hears And delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones, Not one of them is broken.


Psalm 5:3
In the morning, O Lord, You will hear my voice; In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.

A Quick Report

Aubrey has "nursed" (I use the term loosely, because she is very much in the Figuring Things Out stage) twice today, even with the higher respiratory rates. The cardiologists are very anxious to see her making progress and so we are going ahead with breastfeeding-- and I can't help but wholeheartedly agree that nursing will only improve her overall health.

I am feeling better and better, though recovery from a C-section-- especially on the road-- has been difficult. My hemoglobin count as of leaving the north country was 8.8, which is actually higher than it's been after any of the other deliveries. Overall, my health has truly been protected by God in all of this.

At 7:30pm I will get another chance to nurse Aubrey and then we will head home for the night. Leaving the hospital is always difficult for me, and I feel especially tempted to mourn the loss of these newborn moments during the night hours when all I want is to hold her close, but the grace of God has met me in such amazing ways. I firmly believe that there is nothing that our Heavenly Father cannot and will not redeem.

Thank you for praying with us and for us.

 

An Update

:: The past 5 days have contained so much, I hardly know where to begin. To say that my heart has ached and that it has also soared seem like the biggest understatements of my life. In it all, though, the Lord is a Rock for us. And the prayer, love, and service of so many saints truly does carry us.

:: For the official record, Aubrey Colette was born at 7pm on Thursday, September 13th, by emergency C-section. She weighed a very healthy 7lbs 13oz and measured 19" long.

That morning, I had voiced a concern to Daniel that the I hadn't felt much fetal movement in the last day and that I hadn't felt any since waking, even when I laid down. We prayed together. I breathed a sigh of relief that I had my regular prenatal appointment scheduled for that afternoon and that I could make sure everything was OK then.

I met the on-call doctor at my appointment and told her that I hadn't felt much movement. She immediately told me that I should drive to the hospital for a non-stress test, even though we heard a heartbeat and some faint movements there in the office.

One drive and two attempted non-stress tests later, a biophysical profile was being done because the regular fetal monitors were struggling to track a heart rate that sounded much too fast to the nurse and I. One glance at the ultrasound screen was all I needed to know that my baby was not healthy; I don't even know that I can pump my fist as fast as her little heart was beating.

Things happened very quickly from there. Because of what looked like fluid around her heart and liver, there was talk of an immediate C-section. Then specialists in Syracuse were requesting that I be transferred to Crouse Hospital for the operation since Aubrey would need to be in their NICU for care. Then the radiologist in Potsdam further talked with the specialists in Syracuse about the ultrasound results and a decision was made that the baby wasn't healthy enough for me to make the trip down before the birth, so a team of neonatal specialists would be flown to us.

And so Aubrey was brought into the world. Her first cry may be a sound I will never forget.

:: This evening Aubrey will be five days old. Her heart rate, which initially was in the 260-280bpm range, was brought down through defibrillation and has been around 110-125bpm for almost four days now, maintained by a pretty low dosage of medicine. She has a significant hole in her heart and her aorta is connected to both ventricles (sides), so that her body is unable to spread oxygen throughout her body on its own-- which is what first caused the tachycardia (fast heart rate). These two problems will have to be corrected by surgery at some point in the next several months.

The defect that took a bit longer to understand is what makes Aubrey's condition "extremely rare," to quote one of the cardiologists here: the top two chambers of her heart are reversed, as are the associations of her main arteries (the aorta and pulmonary). This double reversal is the reason her heart is working today; the doctor told us that two wrongs are working to make a right in her case. The doctors are currently gathering a lot of information about Aubrey's body as they try to determine whether this is something that will need to be corrected or if she might be able to live a healthy life with a "backwards" heart.

These are the facts as I understand them. Tests are still being done to learn more.

In the end, I know my baby is fearfully and wonderfully made. I also know that what the enemy has meant for the destruction of her life and the crushing of my faith is being continually redeemed by the Lord.

:: Aubrey Colette means "noble leader; people of victory." On Thursday afternoon as we anticipated her birth in that hospital room, her name was right. Who knew that a baby so small could be used by God to lead me... and Daniel... and so very many of us... in victory?

My Baby

I am with and have held my baby.

She is beautiful.

Thank you for your prayers.

Christmas Shopping

I love Christmas shopping.

Like, really, really, really, really love it.

I make my lists early in the year and keep my eyes open every time I frequent stores so that I can get the most out of this super wonderful opportunity to buy presents for lots of people I love. In my opinion, Christmas shopping is far too fun to leave for just a couple days of the year!

So it shouldn't surprise you that I've had this in my closet for a couple months already, purchased on eb@y for a steal and awaiting 3 kids first thing Christmas morning. I've ordered Bronwyn and Jackson's accompanying gifts, too.

I also ordered this for our bedtime read-aloud during the month of December. It's one of my favorites and I am already looking forward to sharing it with my children.

(Speaking of books, I bought this shortly after finding that we would have 4 little ones this holiday season so that I could tuck one book in each stocking for winter reading. I'm equally excited about this purchase, especially since I got a great deal on it!)

Today Daniel and I are off to spend a day together* near some real stores and I will do more shopping for Christmas. I excuse my highly anticipatory shopping by telling myself that it will be infinitely harder once the baby has arrived. But mostly it's just one of my favorite things to do.

And I absolutely love seeing the closet slowly accumulate all sorts of goodies: a bag of stocking-stuffers, a bag of things for cousins, a bag of books and pajamas designated for our Advent celebration, and many more. I love anticipating the smiles and hours of play that those bags represent.

It makes me wonder how God felt as He planned out Redemption's Story. How much more did He know what His Gift would mean to His children?


*Since my birthday gift from Daniel went straight toward our new dining room table and chairs purchase-- and because I love spending time together as much as getting a gift (honest)-- we are spending the day together. Shopping is not what I would consider one of Daniel's favorite things to do, but he is nice to me and keeps me company on such outings.

The Final Ultrasound

This morning I went in for my final ultrasound. (Final, that is, unless I go a week or more late.) It was with great relief that I realized I am now done with such regular trips to the hospital. In theory, I should only have to go there once more in the near future. Yay!

Everything continues to look great, and that is just what I wanted to hear. I didn't get a single picture because her head is so incredibly low that the tech could barely measure it, let alone get a good glimpse at her face, but that's OK because I have enough to fill an entire photo album by now.

Measurements at this point are, of course, very sketchy. The tech told me weight estimates can be off a pound either way-- and still our baby came in at 6lbs 4oz, which is just a little below the 50th%. My guess is that she's at least 7lbs, based on what I feel.

Fluid levels were good, the SCH looked even smaller than at the last ultrasound, and blood-flow was excellent.

I am getting excited about meeting this little girl.

Excited and anxious.

Anxious, yes, because I would like to have it all over with. More anxious because I am at an increased risk of placental breakdown and late fetal death* and that scares me. I know the impatience in me is a result of fear and not faith, though, and so I am constantly reminding myself of His goodness and faithfulness. He has brought us this far.

And we have come far, haven't we?!?!

(Sorry it's so dark-- it was a cloudy morning yesterday!)

*These risks, while present, are still technically less than the risks associated with induction, which is why my doctor and I have together reached the decision that we will not induce at 38 or 39 weeks, though that is fairly standard protocol for patients with 2nd- and/or 3rd-trimester SCHs. It was in ways a hard decision for me because fear is working as a tremendous motivator to act while the Holy Spirit is asking us to wait. Mostly, though, I am excited about the testimony God is continuing to work in my heart through this pregnancy and baby.

Fruit of the Spirit

During our recent family devotions, we've been reading and talking about good fruit vs. bad fruit. This is always a convicting topic where I am concerned, as I am immediately confronted with how much more I need to walk in the Spirit. And so my prayers of late have been accordingly.

And so, naturally, my behavior of late seems particularly fleshly. (Or maybe it's always this bad and I'm just more aware.)

The truth is that on days like yesterday and today, I do deal with a significant lack of sleep, disobedient children, frayed nerves, long to-do lists that aren't getting done, and the like.

The more important truth is that He promises to be strong in my weakness and to complete the work He's begun in me.

If I were to list the moments simply from the last 12 hours in which I lost it, you'd be amazed appalled. Granted, I had children who aren't supposed to be on bunk beds jumping on them, resulting in one very scratched up little girl and a broken snare drum. It's true that one son stuck his tongue out at me more times than I care to recall. And, yes, my feet ached when I stuffed them into my shoes for this evening's exercise, their swollen members somehow very much representing the way all of me feels by this time of night nowadays.

But nothing terribly wrong happened. Nothing surprising happened. Nothing worth undoing me happened.

I just got a little "squeezed" and a whole lot of me came out.

Which means I need to spend a whole lot of time with Him. My mind is desperate for transformation and my heart so requiring Truth.

And He's OK with that. He already knows that. He is wanting to impart grace and strength.

So why do I so rarely ask for help?

Misc.

:: Gabriel and Bronwyn want to know why the baby isn't here yet. "You said after your birthday, Mama."

Now I have to explain that there are a whole lot of days that can fall under the category of After My Birthday.

Like 364.

:: The chairs for our dining room arrived the other day; the table is on back-order until early October. Even after I applied birthday $$, money received after a recent ministry trip, the anonymous gift we were given several weeks ago, and all the discounts I could possibly scrounge up (about 25% off, all said and done), our savings account still had to chip in a lot. Daniel says he's so blessed by how much having people into our home is important to me. I tell him I'm really fortunate to have a husband who isn't stingy financially with me.

Bottom line: in a month or so I'll be able to easily fit 10-12 people around our dining room table! Yippee!!

:: I feel as though I'm on the Early Labor On Installment Plan. It's rather uncomfortable and makes me feel like a time-bomb even though it probably shouldn't. At least once a night, Daniel wakes me up to say, "You're moaning." That's when I realize I'm having contractions and so I get a big glass of water and walk a bit to make them stop.

And then an hour later I'm awake again because I have to go the bathroom after drinking the big glass of water.

My saving thought is that I may actually be done with early labor before I ever go into labor.

(I can hope anyway, can't I?)

:: I simply can't figure out how my house gets so dusty in the summer. In the winter, the forced air heating system justifies the thick layer that accumulates in just a few short days. What is the current cause, I want to know?

:: In my on-going effort to eliminate refined flours from our house except for special occasions, I've officially switched us to wheat tortillas. Gabriel is very unthrilled with this, and now when I make quesadillas for dinner, he asks me if I'm making the "good kind with big brown spots or the yucky kind with little brown spots."

Daniel is a pretty good sport about the dietary changes, but he does tell me that he feels as though he's living in a whole wheat world. I tell him that people living in that world feel better and that their bodies work better.

Bronwyn's taste-buds honestly seem to prefer healthier foods. For instance, she prefers dark chocolate to candy necklaces.

:: Speaking of food, we've all been awake for more than 2 hours and I've yet to feed the kids breakfast. No wonder they're whining!

It seems that in honor of my birthday, we're experiencing a temperature spike.

Nice...

The Pregnancy Update*

36w 3d

*If you don't like the details on pregnancy, you may want to pass on by this entry. It contains nothing besides the details.

My Weight: 139lbs (+27lbs this pregnancy)
My Blood Pressure: 112/60
Fundus: 32cm (+2cm since August 2nd)
Baby's Heart Rate: high 150s - low 160s

At today's appointment, I found out that my doctor is soon headed out of town for 2 weeks. Not a big deal, since I assume I will go at least a couple days late with this baby as I have with the others. But I have to confess that even the remote possibility of someone I have never met delivering my baby isn't an altogether thrilling thought, and so I am all the more ready to keep our bean where she is for the long-haul.

After telling me that she's off to Arizona to see her daughter and then finding out that I've been passing lots of mucus and having quite a few contractions in the last week, my doctor very politely asked if I would be opposed to an exam so that she could at least give the other doctor a more detailed report on me. I appreciated her deference and could understand her reasoning, so I agreed.

She checked things out and I'm 1-2cm dilated (hey-- that's 1+cm I'll not have to dilate again!), at least 80% effaced, and the baby is between stations 0 and +1 (hooray!-- I don't have a lot of pushing in my future!). And while all of this means very little when all is said and done, the whole thing really brought home the reality of a baby soon being here.

And the fact that I have to deliver her.

*deep breath*

the Best Years

A recently-returned student who spent the last year of his life in China wrote a song with a particular phrase that keeps circling 'round my brain these days. I'm sure I don't know it well enough to quote it, so I won't, except to say that it says something along the lines of wasting the best years of my life pouring out the oil for the Lord.

I simply can't get that phrase (or the idea of it) out of my head.


Next week I turn 25 years old. Usually, when people find out how old I am, I get astonished looks about how young I am. I assume this is because they are considering my age in light of the number of children I have and/or years I have been married and not because of some overwhelming air of maturity.

But I can't believe I'm almost 25.

Because in my mind, I'm still the teenage girl who takes dance lessons and is afraid of getting behind the steering wheel and isn't quite sure what style clothing she likes and still has her whole life before her. In my mind, I'm still the young girl with hands raised and tears streaming, offering what seems to be a totally clean slate to the Lord, singing, I'm giving You my all, Jesus, without a single clue as to what that might really mean.


All I knew was that I wanted to waste the best years of my life on Him.

I had no idea what that would look like.


Now, I'm not for a minute saying the best years are all behind me, because I don't and won't believe that they are. But play along with our culture for a minute and then tell me if it says all girls in their early 20s should spend their days changing diapers, making soup, folding laundry, and vacuuming. Because I think that's the idea of what the song stuck in my head is going for.


This past week I had a familiar revelation yet again: I've given Jesus my all many times, but I'm still learning how to truly give it. Yes, I made the choice to waste my life on Him, but when the rubber meets the road, I often want to waste my life on myself and so I'm having to choose Him over and over and over again.


These years of early motherhood have been lonely ones in many ways. I can't say that I'm surprised by this, because seasoned moms have told me to expect as much. But that doesn't make it any easier to be the one standing at the window waving good-bye, facing another day that will mostly be thankless and very likely won't include a single genuine, How are you? (Toddlers don't know to care about how their moms are, after all.)

These have been insecure years, wondering if what I'm doing really matters and whether or not it counts that my most significant relationships are with people who don't know their alphabet or how to tie their own shoes.

They've been tiring years. So tiring I'm not even sure when the last time I slept through the night is-- if I ever did. Tiring because I've been through a Diligence & Discipline boot-camp I didn't even know existed before I was already enrolled.


I've cried because His idea of wasting my life on Him isn't as grand as I my ideas are. I've cried because I know the privilege of eternal investment is so much better than my self-centered heart can wrap itself around, and I desperately want to understand.

I've cried because there doesn't always seem to be much light at the end of the tunnel; and there are many days when the very thing I am-- a wife & mom-- seems like something I am destined to fail at.

I've cried because I don't like to work. I've cried because I'd pridefully hoped for recognition and didn't get it. I've cried because I don't see the point. I've cried because I do.


In the end, I come back to wanting nothing more than to keep wasting the best years of my life pouring out the oil before the Lord. Though there is at times a gnawing temptation to agree with the culture around me-- to regret the seeming lack of adventures, experiences, and successes I've had-- one look at the Cross tells me that nothing can compare with the way my Heavenly Father can make my life count. He knows how to spend my days so much better than I ever could, and the best choices I've ever made have been when I've let Him choose.


Yes, I cry because I am so moved by the fact that He answered the tearful prayer I prayed as a young girl, even though He knew I didn't have a clue about what I was praying.

Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee

Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose

Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee