I promise that this site will not strictly become one long pregnancy update! At some point when I'm up and about and my children's hair is getting brushed again, I'll start taking and posting pictures of my little darlings. Even before that, I hope to get back to discussing my hatred and fear of spiders, the tulips that are thriving along the front of my house (I can't wait for those splashes of color to erupt; I think it's taking longer for them to bloom because they're in a partly-shady location), my addiction to charts and plans and lists, and so forth. For now, though, hang in there.

* * * * *

Last night found Daniel and I at the ER, which made for my first (and hopefully only) admission to that particular wing of a hospital. I've never technically been to the ER before (I write "technically" because when I entered the hospital to deliver Gabriel I had to go through the ER but I was then quickly moved to L&D), but I think I'm still lacking in a true ER experience even after last night. Apparently nobody gets hurt or sick in the North Country on Sunday evening, because I was the only patient in the entire wing at the time of my arrival.

The reason for going was that I'd begun having mild cramping/contractions at around 1:30 in the afternoon. The tightening was happening a bit too consistently (approximately every 12-15 minutes) and for too long for me to not call my doctor, who's given me strict instructions to call her "if anything weird happens." In most pregnancies, I would have brushed it off, but not this time. When I spoke with the doctor around 4:30pm, she asked me to meet her at the ER. Her thought was that even if everything cleared it wouldn't be a wasted trip for two reasons: 1. she had been disappointed that there weren't any measurements taken of the baby during Friday's ultrasound, and 2. she was planning on sending me to the lab sometime this week to make sure I haven't been sensitized due to 2nd trimester bleeding.

Two hours later, my bloodwork was done and the ultrasound completed. We got four great reports.

1. I haven't been sensitized! The shot can still work and potential future pregnancies are not at risk.

2. The second hemorrhage discovered on Friday seems to have merged with the original hemorrhage. This isn't particularly noteworthy, except that the total mass of the current hemorrhage is smaller than Friday's combined measurements of the two separate hemorrhages. Yay! I am so encouraged by this!

3. The baby is continuing to measure right on target. 8oz sure sounds small to me, but I guess that's in the "normal" range for an 18-week gestation baby! During the ultrasound we also got to see all chambers of the baby's heart, a good-looking brain structure, 4 fingers and 1 thumb on each hand, and feet that almost looked to be using the hemorrhage as a trampoline!

4. The contractions, though real, don't seem to be doing anything. I was sent home with instructions to call again if they got worse (which they haven't), but since they weren't related to any placenta-activity and weren't accomplishing anything, they can be dismissed for now as simply "annoying."

I came home on a major high from getting our first positive ultrasound report. (Finally!-- we got a medical report that agrees with His report!)

For the record, both Friday morning and last night we asked about the gender of the baby. I'm normally into the surprise factor of waiting to see whether we have a boy or girl and Daniel is even more into waiting until delivery than me, but with all the complications of this pregnancy Daniel and I made the decision to find out ahead of time. I guess I kind of feel that fostering a greater attachment to this little life will be yet another faith-builder and way to ward off premature grieving.

Of course, the ultrasound technicians haven't been able to tell with enough certainty to make a guess, even though the baby was definitely giving ample opportunities last night.

Which, I must confess, makes me a little less secure in my prediction of boy. I'm not ready to relinquish my "feeling" yet, but at 18 weeks and with about 15 clear chances to see last night, I'm beginning to think that the lack of clarity might be attributed to this little person being female.

My doctor tells me she's rooting for a girl. This is partly because she always guesses girl (she figures she's right about 50% of the time that way) but also because she feels she ought to get a girl to help even out the male-female ratio of babies from CFC that she's delivered. I've laughed at her during my appointments because I've been so sure that this little tyke is all boy, but I think I won't be laughing quite so confidently from here on in-- unless, of course, we find out that I'm right!

The one minorly-negative report (though not surprising) was that my hemoglobin levels are down from my 11-week draw. In March, they were 10.5, which is low but not horrid ("normal" is somewhere between 12 and 15, I think). Last night they were 9.6, which is much higher than I typically am at the end of a pregnancy but low enough to meet with disapproval from doctors and nurses. I've been eating spinach and green-leaf salads pretty much once a day (sometimes twice), but my pregnancy-induced anemia has proven to be more than nutrition can battle. So I'm on those nasty prescription iron tablets (again) that make me sick to my stomach. Oh well.

Pregnancy Update & Prayer Requests

I changed my pregnancy ticker to reflect what is now my official due date. This date has been derived by my doctor as a compromise between my best guess and two separate ultrasounds done in March and April (the ultrasounds agreed with one another). This is also the date that technicians and doctors will be keeping in mind when they check future ultrasounds for growth and development of the baby.

While an early delivery looms simply as a very real possibility and certainly not as a definite, my doctor has spent some time discussing what this might look like with me and why it grows increasingly probable. Though I feel ill-equipped to try to explain something I don't wholly understand (especially when it is all in the "best guess" realm by my doctor's own admission), I will attempt at giving some of the basics:

1. Because of the increasing amount of placental hemorrhaging, the biggest concern is that I may have a total placental abruption at any point. This, of course, is deadly for the baby. Particularly if the hemorrhages worsens so that only half the placenta is attached and functioning, doctors would recommend an early delivery of the baby in order to avoid an almost-imminent total abruption.

2. The next 6 weeks (minimum) are extremely critical in the life of our baby. Even if the hemorrhages worsen, they cannot delivery the baby during this time because s/he is not "viable" until 24 weeks (occasionally 23). I am by no means believing God only for 6 weeks more in this pregnancy, but I will nonetheless breathe a deep sigh of relief when we cross that 24-week mark.

4. Between weeks 24 and 28 gestation, there is significant development that takes place in babies. The hope of my doctor is that I will at least make it another 10 weeks to give the baby a much better chance.

5. If it is determined by the doctors and Daniel and I that an early delivery is necessary, we would be sent to this hospital, since their NICU is widely considered one of the best.

I have several specific prayer requests, for those of you who have been praying with and for all of us:

1. That the hemorrhages would not only stop increasing/multiplying, but that they would be healed.

2. That the baby's stability, growth, and development would remain unhindered by his less-than-ideal surroundings.

3. That a very early delivery (which would inevitably lead to a long hospital-stay) would not be necessary.

4. That in the event of an early delivery, Daniel would be around for it. (He continues-- with my whole-hearted agreement!-- to make plans to lead a 3-week missions trip to Spain in June during weeks 25-28 of the pregnancy.)

5. That the doctors and Daniel and I would have real wisdom along every step in this process, even about little details like exactly what my rest needs to be during these next months.

6. That this season would not put an unmanageable burden on Daniel; that he would have the necessary grace and strength to lead and care for our family even as he continues to work and minister outside the home.

6. And last, but not least, that I would not give in to the ever-present temptations of fear, premature grief, and doubt.

I can't begin to say how much I appreciate everybody's prayers during this time. I am especially comforted by knowing how many others are standing with me when emotions cloud my thoughts and I feel ill-equipped and unsure of how/what to pray.

*****6:00pm Update: my doctor just called to tell me that on Monday morning she is going to be in contact with OBs from this hospital. She said 10 out of 10 times in her experience (and at least 9 out of 10 times overall, she's guessing), late subchorionic bleeds like mine have completely or significantly resolved by 18 weeks-- not gotten worse-- and she is at a bit of a loss regarding how to proceed from here. Whether I end up going to Burlington for a detailed ultrasound and consultation or whether they simply give her advice and input will be determined Monday.*****

I had another ultrasound today, following the 2nd night of bleeding (not consecutive) since my last ultrasound 2 weeks ago. The results were mixed, as is becoming increasingly common.

First things first, the great news is that the baby remains stable. They didn't actually do a measurement for size, so I'm not sure how s/he's doing with staying on track developmentally, but the really important things like his/her heart rate and the blood flow through the umbilical cord all look good.

The bad news is that the original bleed has gotten bigger (again). It is now 13x9x4cm, which is 2cm longer and 2cm wider than it was 2 weeks ago.

The worse news is that I now have a second bleed, measuring 10.5x6.5x4.5cm in size.

The hard-for-me news is that I really can't do anything to make things right.

The reassuring news is that God is on the throne.

We continue to pray and count the weeks (though I try to keep myself from wishing days away as best as I can). I can't say I'm not deeply afraid at times-- that would be a lie. But I know God is good and I know I can trust Him.

My meditation of late has been Lamentations 3:22-26.

Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I hope in Him!" The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the Lord.

Funny things you might overhear a 4-year-old say:


My stomach hurts, Daddy. I think maybe there's a tree or a car or a house inside it.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You have to have your hands like this to fly, Bronwyn!

It's been a world of High Button Shoes, end-of-semester-crunch, bedrest, a Grand Opening, and more. Daniel was sick early in the week, which made for an even more interesting couple of days around here. Our ever-reliable child-care teams have been tied up with the musical or with sick kids of their own since the weekend. All this combined, we've had rather unpredictable days!

And I must say that it's made me step back and appreciate, once again, all the help we've received over the last several weeks. Even our "scrambling" involves many outside hands chipping in whenever available. I honestly don't know what we would do were it not for nearby family and a wonderful church body. Seriously-- what do most moms in my shoes do right about now? I can't imagine.

Daniel is just now off to attend a campus prayer meeting he hadn't anticipated needing to lead. The poor man hasn't had a day off in weeks (though even if he had, his Sabbaths of late have been full of doing all my jobs) and was hoping to get some rest today. Oh well. The Lord knows our frailties and needs; He provides for us both in the simple and in the tiring seasons.

Mom has taken my 3 bundles of energy on until Daniel returns-- in-between last-minute playbill revisions and tonight's musical dress rehearsal. How she does all this and is still laughing is beyond me.

All the while, I sit and watch. It's been an interesting vantage point. Not a particularly enjoyable one, but an interesting one. I think it's good for me, Miss Organized-With-a-Million-Plans, to see that spontaneity and flying-by-the-seat-of-our-pants doesn't mean sure disaster. Sometimes you just have to hang on and see where you end up. The truth of the matter is, we've been ending up where we need to be without my help and plans. (Guess I'm not as irreplaceable as I'd thought!)

P.S. I have to share links to two things I watched/read recently. The first is Melinda's most recent AI performance (I haven't been watching the show, but I faithfully look Melinda up on Wednesday mornings on youtube!), after which I was very pleasantly surprised to not see her shredded to bits by the judges. The other is some findings of what seems to be a decent '08 candidate. Check them out when you have a minute.

To Baby

Some days it's really hard to be the happy pregnant mom I was when I
carried your brothers and sisters. Today has been one of those days.

Today I have felt insecure and unsure.

I wonder if I will get to hold you, soft and warm. I wonder if you'll
hang on as long as you need to in order to survive. I wonder if you'll
grow and develop so that one day you'll be strong and healthy. I wonder what the future has in store for us
both.

But that's why I decided to take this photo of my belly today; when
it's the last thing I felt like doing; when I want only to tuck away
the maternity clothes and the signs of pregnancy until I can be certain
that everything will be OK. Because even more than I want to hide from
what could be, I want this
journey to be chronicled. I want to be able to show you one day that
there were
days of doubt and fear, but that your dad and I clung stubbornly to the
hope and
promise that God is our healer.

I've been having a lot of cramping today and it makes me wonder how
things are going for you. You're so close to me and yet I can't see
you, and this is hard for me. I don't know if you're getting what you
need. There isn't anything I can really do to make sure you're safe.

Someone told me on Sunday that the best prayer I can pray is, "Jesus, I
trust You." I have been praying that prayer a lot, especially today when
words seem to fail me and I don't know how else to pray. By God's mercy
and grace, I will one day teach you to pray the same prayer.

17.5 Weeks
(or almost 4 months)

Weather

We just came in from some outdoor playtime. Not having a fence built makes it tough for a mom who can't be running around to keep two busy toddlers and one even busier pre-schooler away from the road and the marsh, but today my sisters are here for the afternoon while Daniel's on various campuses. I sat and watched while they kept up with little legs and curious minds.

It's currently 78* and should get warmer before the day is out. Last week we didn't have cable (and therefore phone) because the snow/wind storm early that morning had been so bad. Spring is such a weird time.

My tulips are looking amazing (no blooms yet, but they're getting bigger and stronger by the day!) in spite of the snowfall of last week. I think they're too close to the road to be in danger of rabbits, so my guess is that we'll soon be enjoying the multitude of color.

The wild day lilies I transplanted from the marsh to underneath our bedroom windows last summer seem to have survived their first winter. I can't say that I'm surprised. Those things can grow anywhere, including places gardeners don't want them to grow. That's a good thing in this case, since not even grass can grow in that particular spot in our yard!

I would gladly take weather like yesterday's and today's all summer long. Not all year-- I'm too much a fan of the seasons for that-- but definitely all summer. I'm not a fan of swimming or boating (the former is boring to me and the latter makes me sick), so I could care less if it never gets warm enough for such things. I like that today the sun feels hot on my skin while my house stays cool enough that the idea of turning the stove on doesn't make me cry. I like that my kids can run around and play in the dirt without getting sticky and sweaty. I like that mosquitos aren't out in droves. I like that green is sprouting.

I am liking this weather.

This morning when I put Bronwyn's simple cotton-knit dress on her, she wasn't very pleased with me. (To be honest, she cried and cried and cried.) I don't think she considered this particuar dress quite pretty enough since it lacks poof and frills and flowers. Yet when it came time to get her pajamas on tonight, she was very distraught about removing the "very pretty dress."

While I can't be sure exactly what caused this change of heart regarding the dress, I have a very strong suspicion it may have had something to do with the numerous comments she received throughout the day telling her how nice/cute/pretty she looked.

She is a girl, after all.

Last month, even while on bedrest, I stuck to my typical amount of 'blog reading. Oh yes, I added in stopping regularly at different news sites and I discovered forums. And I sure did spend my fair share of time reading about and trying to understand subchorionic bleeds and everything else placenta-related. But I've liked my online boundaries regarding how many minutes of my day are spent staring into a screen.

This month, however, when I found myself re-settling onto the couch, I started 'blog-browsing. I figured that if I can't stand watching movies, I might as well start browsing. And let me tell you, it is a big, big world out there on the web!

There's the homeschool blogger corner, the Frugal Friday corner, the conservative mother corner, the stay at home mom corner, the Works for me Wednesday corner, the reformed wives corner, etc., etc. Since I refuse to become a facebook or myspace member, I assume there is also a whole world there I've yet to-- and probably never will-- discover, in addition to all the non-Christian corners I'm glad my link-hopping doesn't lead me to. (I don't mean to sound like a snob about facebook or anything, and trust me when I say that I'm not-- I use xanga for heaven's sake!-- it's just that I think 'blogs that require membership to read have kind of forgotten the point.)

My RSS feeds are out of control by now since I often get to a site that seems to have something to say, only to have no clue how I got there. So I just add the site to my feed list.

(Side note: if I can "click, click, click" and get lost, I probably shouldn't ever consider making a cross-country trip on my own or anything.)

All said, though, I am realizing I ought to purge my RSS feeds. You know: pick a number, then pick the favorites that fit in that number, and then only check those. I might not have a whole lot that seems better to do right now than blog-browsing, but I'm sure if I tear myself away from firefox for 30 minutes I'll think of something much more worthwhile.

Random

:: Today I figured out that each month we are the recipients of:

136oz. cereal
14 gallons milk
12lbs. cheese
8.5 dozen eggs
21 cans juice
+ misc. amounts of fresh fruits & veggies

The fact that we (most months) manage to consume all of this kind of grosses me out. 12 pounds of cheese???

:: Bronwyn is 36lbs and 38" tall. Yeah, she's only 2lbs less than Gabriel and 2" shorter. No wonder people ask me all the time if they're twins.

(By the way, Bronwyn's continued 95th-percentile size only fruther proves-- for anyone who didn't believe my low blood sugar levels of 50-60mg during pregnancy-- that she was a very legitimate 10lb baby!)

:: I bought these maternity jeans. Last pregnancy, I bought one pair of "real waist" maternity pants because they were so cheap. When they were still my favorite pair of maternity pants at 40 weeks, I decided that the manufactorers don't quite know what they're talking about when they say they're really only good for months 0-6. I love having maternity pants that actually have snaps and beltloops. (Especially since I wore them this week and felt a little less like I was busting out the maternity clothes for real!)

:: The end of the semester is quickly closing in. I can't believe how time flies by.

(OK, so it feels a bit less like it's "flying" now that I sit around almost 24/7, but you know what I mean...)

:: I was glad to hear this recent news. While I know that this is really a small victory in a war that is ultimately for hearts and lives and not just laws, it is nonetheless a victory. I am grateful.

Three evenings and one afternoon of presbytery meetings.

Every time, every year, I am amazed. Amazed by God. Amazed by His care. Amazed by how much bigger His plans are than ours.

This year, I was also amazed by how well my children have done with three evenings out. (I'm also amazed by what a difference having a nursery available makes, since last year during our presbytery meetings there wasn't one and those nights were... umm... busy for me.) Sunday night was, by far, the kids' worst night, and even that was very manageable. Monday was better and tonight they did great! I am encouraged that the more Daniel and I bring them along, the more they learn how to behave, how to be flexible, how to get past feeling tired, etc. And I know that the more they learn those things, the more they will learn to value corporate gatherings. (I know because I, too, was once a three-year-old who fell asleep on sanctuary floors-- and I know that my love for being with the family of God comes straight from my parents' hearts to mine.)

Yes, it is true that satan is at work and people sin. And, yes, there is evil all around us. But may I give an equal "Yes!" that God is working and building and strengthening?!

Because He is.

Pregnancy Update

After more bleeding Saturday night, full-blown activity restrictions have been re-instated. I am grateful for the fetal doppler, else I would have been in the E.R. on Sunday morning instead of being renewed in faith and hope at church.

We continue to pray and believe God for His Sustaining hand to be ever upon us and upon the baby's life.

<EDIT>
My sister sent dinner over for us tonight. She included a yummy chocolate cake (no frosting-- exactly the way I like it). I wonder if she's been reading my xanga...
</EDIT>

After coming home from church, I ate lunch and then took a nap. I needed it, since sleep was scarce last night.

Upon waking, I decided that some of the oreos she brought over the other night sounded yummy. My food preferences this pregnancy definitely have been leaning heavily toward salty/spicy foods and deserts haven't sounded quite as good as they normally do, but this afternoon I thought some chocolate might really hit the spot.

I went into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of milk (the health benefit by which I justify cookies is that when eating them I actually drink milk) and help myself to some of those increasingly-appealing oreos.

But the package that had been sitting on the counter since Friday night was nowhere to be found.

That's strange. There were a lot, I thought to myself.

"Hey, Daniel, where did you put the cookies?"

A sheepish response from the other room told me that my dear husband had consumed them all. Every single one.

I had to stop and remind myself who's pregnant. 'Cause it sure sounds like he's the one with the excessive cravings if you ask me!

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said—
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?

"Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand.

"When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
For I will be with thee thy trouble to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not harm thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

"The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake."

-How Firm A Foundation, 1787

Gabriel had his 4-year check-up today (I had to cancel last month's original appointment). There are always funny stories that come of a child's time at the doctor's office.

This morning when our favorite RNP in the world asked him how he was feeling, he responded by telling her-- in all seriousness, I might add-- that he was feeling good except for where his hand got cut off by Darth Vader. Fortunately, our RNP has 3 little boys herself and took it all in stride, to the point of going along with this ridiculous conversation even when Gabriel began telling her that Jackson is Yoda. "You know, he's Yoda because he's small." (Like there can be a logical explanation for any of this?!)

He really does live entire days pretending that he's Luke Skywalker.

At any rate, our growing boy (overall smack-dab in the 50th percentile) is now 38lbs and 40" tall. While technically a bit too light still to switch from a toddler carseat to a booster seat, the RNP said that his height is a bigger issue than his weight. And at 40" tall he's cleared to make the transition!

P.S. When I told my doctor yesterday how I've had a Doppler in my house but have been too afraid to use it, she laughed at me. And then she told me that since I'm now far enough along to easily get a heartbeat, I should take advantage of such technology-- especially until the time when I'm feeling sure movements fairly frequently throughout each day. So I tried it tonight. And I have to say that it was pretty cool to hear the baby in my very own living room! A strong 154bpm.

Now I'm just scared to use it because it's so expensive to replace if I break it!

My Afternoon

Scheduled Appointment Time: 12:00pm
Actual Appointment Time: 12:55pm
Phone Call to Hospital to set up Ultrasound: 1:20pm
Scheduled Ultrasound Time: 2:30pm
Amount of time in which I needed to Drink 30oz of Fluid: 10 minutes

So I missed lunch (I wasn't hungry before I left my house at 11:40am and figured I'd be home around 1pm to eat anyway). By the time I was done with my doctor, I was famished and the hunger pains were starting to make me ill. To make matters worse, 30oz of water in 10 minutes would probably make a non-pregnant woman sick, so you can imagine how I was feeling as I left the building. The mental conversation I had all the way to hospital went something like this: You cannot throw up. You need this fluid in your bladder for the ultrasound to work. You cannot throw up. You cannot throw up... It worked!

Mom's Weight: 121lbs (+9lbs already this pregnancy-- very typical for me!)
Mom's Blood Pressure: 96/56 (much better than last month's 82/40)
Ultrasound Measurement of Baby: 15 weeks, 5 days
Baby's Heart Rate: 152bpm (all my babies heart rates have been 141+, so I still say boy)
Baby's Activity: more than I've seen via ultrasound ever (maybe explains why I'm already feeling him/her?)

<EDIT>
    Size of Hematoma: I just got off the phone with my doctor. Unfortunately, the hematoma (placental bleed) is bigger than last month's by about 3cm, bringing me to a grand total of 11cm (once again, bigger than the baby).   The good news is that the baby is tolerating it exceptionally! More good news is that because I haven't been bleeding and the baby is doing so well, my doctor feels that letting me resume some more normal activities would be fine (i.e. taking long walks, light housework, etc.). To quote her: "Lifting heavy groceries, big loads of laundry, or your children should be avoided, except in emergency, and-- whatever you do!-- do not resume your daily sit-ups!!"
    My next appointment with Dr. McCloy is on May 15th (I will be 20w, 4d according to all three of my ultrasounds). She'll then send me for another ultrasound so that we can check on the baby, since the concern is that the bleed could at any point begin hindering his/her growth. From what I understand, starting at around 20 weeks gestation this type of hemorrhage is no longer called a subchorionic bleed and is referred to as placenta abruptio. Because of the increased demand from the baby on the placenta by that point in pregnancy, any placental compromises carry a much more significant chance of causing IUGR and/or pre-term labor.
    In the end, this is what I know: in the last 10 minutes, I do feel as though we just took a major leap in the wrong direction. However, I am also filled with the knowledge that my God-- the God who is amazing and powerful enough to create this precious life in the first place!-- is more than able to keep this baby healthy and safe in the midst of any medical reports or negative circumstances. I am reminded that my hope is not in this pregnancy reaching a certain number of weeks or in hemorrhages no longer existing; my hope is in God. And, most of all, I am learning that to know Him is to trust Him, no matter what. He's that wonderful.
</EDIT>

Other Facts:

Outdoor Temperature as of 1:30pm: 43* (F)
Precipitation: misty rain (very appropriate for spring, I think)
# of Red Lights Encountered Today: 9
Craving of the Day: grilled pepper quesadilla
# of Tulips Sprouting Along My Porch: approximately 84

One accident and two successes.

Hey, at least we're doing better than yesterday. (So far.)



P.S. I will update later after my appointment at noon.

Tomorrow at noon is my appointment with the doctor. Unfortunately, she doesn't have ultrasound technology right there in her office and I'm not sure exactly when she'll be able to get me in at the hospital for one, which is the real key to finding out how things are progressing with the subchorionic bleed. I'm hoping to have an appointment by the end of the week, but I don't know if that's unrealistically optimistic or not.

Even so, tomorrow we will see how much I've gained (a lot!), the measurement of my fundus (much bigger!), and how the baby's heartbeat is (I'm guessing it's pretty good since I've been feeling movement the past 2 days). Daniel and I were very generously lent a Doppler a couple weeks ago so we could check the heartbeat ourselves, but I must say that we're both too afraid to use it. We figure that if we don't find a heartbeat, we won't know if it's because there's actually a problem or if it's because we don't know how to use the thing!!

In all my free time of late, I've discovered online gender prediction questionnaires, based on all sorts of ridiculous old wives' tales. (I'm sorry, but I don't think my mother's hair color has much to do with whether I'm having a boy or a girl, right Beth?!) The results all say girl, but I think I'm having a boy and I'm sticking to my story. I have a feeling my mother-intuition is a better predictor than whether or not my leg hair is growing faster than before pregnancy.

In other news, potty-training has begun again with Bronwyn. She definitely seems ready this time (at least she's not crying in absolute fear the minute she's told to sit on the potty now). Potty-training her is so different than potty-training Gabriel. My confident little girl is much more capable of getting herself on and off the potty (start to finish), changing her pants when they're wet, and cleaning the floor when she's had an accident than her somewhat-insecure older brother ever was. However, this confident little girl also tends to be far more impulsive and distracted than her perfectionistic, attentive-to-detail brother, so the number of accidents she's had in three days is probably higher than Gabriel's lifetime total. Whoever said potty-training girls is easier than potty-training boys needs to visit my house!

I got permission from Daniel to clean the bathroom today.

It probably would have been better to stick with a job like dusting end tables and windowsills, but dusty end tables don't bother me while dirty bathrooms do. And, hey, at least I didn't vacuum.

Truthfully, I don't like cleaning bathrooms. In fact, it might be one of my least favorite jobs. But I really like clean bathrooms, and so I do the job often and thoroughly. Dust on the back of a toilet is far more offensive to me than dust anywhere else. Loose hairs in a bathtub give me the creeps, while I don't think twice about picking a hair off the couch. Why this is, I may never know. I guess the bottom line is that, in my opinion, bathrooms are supposed to be sanitary. Very sanitary.

I swept, I scrubbed, I cleaned the light fixtures, I washed the mirror, and I dusted baseboard. The bathroom now smells clean and it looks shiny. It was a very therapeutic 30 minutes, I must say.

As soon as I was done, though, my somewhat-perfectionistic self couldn't just be satisfied with the results. Rather, I immediately began wondering what the upstairs bathroom looks like. It rarely gets used, but I'm sure it's an inch thick in dust. Oh well. There's no way Daniel's giving me permission to climb those stairs and clean a second bathroom today. I think the only reason he agreed to me cleaning the downstairs one is because he knows it's good for my mental health, which in turn is good for my physical health.

Sometimes I wish I was more bothered by all dirt, because then my house would probably be very clean. Most of the time, I wish I was less bothered by the things that do bother me, because then I might be a more fun mom with more time to read and play.

This is for all those who might not believe me when I say I'm popping out WAAAYYY faster this time around. A picture to very clearly prove my point:

15 weeks with #4 and I've got the belly that clearly says: "Been there, done that."
(Please don't cry too much for my stomach muscles-- even I've gotten over it. )

Edit: Just wanted to note that the brown shirt and blurry lines definitely minimize my belly (I guess I should have enlisted Daniel's help in order to better prove my point). And on that note, sorry about the big flash where my face should be; when I tried to take the picture without the flash, I couldn't hold my hand still enough and it turned out even worse!

Easter Pictures

Jackson wasn't sure what to do with his basket

"Are you sure, Mom?"


Goin' in for the jelly bean!


Bronwyn really does wake up everyday with a 'fro at least this big


A new favorite character


Jackson's "Easter" book



>>>>>Okay, so here's my official disclaimer about the following pictures: it's really hard to get 5 people all smiling at the same time, especially when 3 of those people are just-barely-4 years-old and under. We now have a bunch of really funny Easter pictures, but not a single "frame-able" one. Oh well. At least we have captured memories of how crazy being parents of lots of little guys really is!! Here are 6 of the funny snapshots that I'm sharing with all of you. (Now you know why I don't send out family photos with our Christmas cards!)<<<<<


1.
(My kids really are generally happy, I promise!)

2.
(What can I say? He's 4 years old.)

3.
(Daniels says Bronwyn looks like her dog just died in this picture.)

4.
(Again... he's 4 years old.)

5.
(Ummm... yet again, he's 4 years old.)

6.

(This one's pretty good, except that Jack's about to "dig for treasure." What is it with boys and picking their noses anyway?!)

Happy Easter!

Edit 4/09: I just have to publicly note that Daniel is wearing a pink tie, which he did solely to bless me. Those of you who know him know that he is a guy's guy: clothing is something strictly functional as far as he's concerned (well, unless it's sports apparel, of course). I very much appreciated him being such a good sport about the tie!!!

rit·u·al (rĭch'ū-əl)

a. A detailed method of procedure faithfully or regularly followed: My household chores have become a morning ritual.

Rituals in and of themselves don't bring life, that's for sure. But they can be a wonderful way to celebrate life, I have found.

One Easter ritual for me is the ironing of special clothes the day before Easter Sunday. None of the items have to be new (although with my children they almost always are since at least the older two are in need of new summer dress clothes each year and I figure I might as well have those clothes by Easter Sunday if at all possible), but each is ever chosen with care. Honestly, though, are clothes what Easter is about? Of course not. But in the ironing and careful picking out of ruffled socks and leather belts, my heart is reminded of how special tomorrow is.

Another Easter ritual for me is the story of the cross and the resurrection being shared in simple yet true words that young children can understand. This has always been a part of my life, and I am appreciating the newness of the Gospel that reaches my heart as I slowly ponder how I might communicate such a marvelous event to a toddler and a pre-schooler. Honestly, though, is Easter about simplified terms and unrealistic illustrations in a picture Bible? Of course not. But in the carefully chosen words and the pictures of the cross, my heart is reminded of how available the Gospel is to whosoever will believe.

A third Easter ritual is cheesebraid for breakfast eaten on special dishes-- not the sort a mom would let her toddler use on just any occasion. Still another Easter ritual is a hardcover book wrapped and marking each child's place at that table. Is cheesebraid or china or books what Easter is about? Of course not. But in the once-a-year food, "company" dishes, and gift-giving, my heart is reminded afresh of the gift so great no word can describe its magnitude: salvation.

Each of these rituals have been simplified and modified this year because I am not tackling much that can't be done from a semi-reclined position these days. And yet Daniel and I have tried to maintain some of the things that mark this day from others, especially because we know our young children need tangible reminders that tomorrow is the day we have the celebration of all celebrations.

Rituals don't give life, but they are a powerful tool for worship and for teaching worship.

And I love to worship Jesus.

Last night we shared yet another meal I didn't make (though Daniel declared it wonderful and very like my much-loved recipe, which I then told him is a recipe I received from the cook who delivered last night's meal), but this time we had a college student join us for dinner. With my recent hiatus from-- um-- life, we haven't had many guests around our table of late. These days I am especially appreciating those who will skirt the toys on the floor, ignore the dust on the end tables, and leave the light dim in the bathroom to keep me company every now and then!

Tonight, we hope to make it out for the Good Friday service at church. I've never been to a Good Friday service. Liturgical services always seem new and fresh to me, which I suppose is backwards from many of my parents' generation. I'm glad I can enjoy both the traditional and non. It makes me feel blessed to have grown up in such a way that neither is spoiled for me.

However, I'm not sure we'll make it. An "emergency" trip to Potsdam sent Daniel out the door a mere 10 minutes ago, Jackson in hand. The other two children are under strict instructions to behave for mom (boy, do they ever know that I am limited these days and I must say that they are prone to taking advantage of this!) until his return. I hope it isn't too long, because we haven't even eaten yet.

But if it is, I'm already telling myself not to set my heart on what we may or may not do this evening. Another Good Friday service will undoubtedly present itself at some point in my lifetime; and even if it doesn't, there are bigger fish to fry.

There are also many things to be thankful for.

Many, many wondrous things. Many, many things beyond my comprehension. Many, many undeserved things. Many, many miracles.

Greatest of which is that Jesus not only died for me, but that He also rose again that I-- once a desperately lost sinner-- might live forever with Him one day.

Now how amazing is that?!

Around lunchtime, snow flakes were twirling through the air. They were the kind that seem to float eternally, never quite finding their way to the ground. Of course they eventually did, but since the ground is warm and soft and the sun is clear and bright, they melted immediately.

And so our spring surroundings continue, untouched by the cold temperatures and snow's attempt at a return.

The weatherman declares the weekend will be much the same as today, which almost caused me to mourn having moved so many miles north 1.5 years ago, but then I saw that even were I still in Pittsburgh my weekend would not be so different. So I figured I ought to stop complaining.

It's funny. Each year I hope that we will have warmth and sun on Easter Sunday and each year it is usually cold and often gray. Each year I wear a dress much more suitable to June or July weather and each year I shiver through the entire morning worship service, despite always planning a matching cardigan.

Each year, and with each shiver, I wonder if I am trembling because I am so cold, or if I am trembling because I am so in awe of what Jesus did for me. As long as Easter Sundays remain chilly, I suppose I won't know for sure.

Well, I'm still not entirely sure when my first trimester ended and the second began (was it 1 or 2 weeks ago?), but today, my appetite has clearly indicated that I have made the transition.

I think I could have out-eaten a grown man who spent the entire day doing manual labor!

(You think I'm kidding.)

A couple days after the week of multiple trips to check on the baby, Daniel was on the phone relaying everything that had been going on to Pastor Mike. I was later told that the words shared in response were, "Parenting sure isn't for the faint of heart, is it?"

And I must say that, no, it isn't.

The doubts that plague, the fears that can overtake, the discouragement that so easily creeps in, the sinful impulses that are plainly seen, the problems that arise, the work that is required... No, it isn't easy. Parenting isn't a task for those who will easily give up and give in.

I kind of feel silly saying that being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done because, well, I'm 24. I haven't done a whole lot.

But I know this is hard.

Yet I have also seen the Lord in the many challenges of parenting in ways I had never before seen Him. His grace takes on whole new meaning when I myself am given opportunity after opportunity to extend forgiveness to my own children; His love becomes increasingly unfathomable as I feel my heart swell each day with passion so intense for my children it causes me to ache. When resolution to situations, behavior, and problems seem so distant in the future I just want to quit, I have experienced the strength of the Lord like never before. When guilt about things I could do better and do more of penetrates the deepest parts of me, I taste His promises with a tangibility I'd not previously known.

The growth in me these last four years hasn't felt very spiritual most of the time. To be honest, most days it just feels like plain old hard work. It feels like choosing them instead of me. It feels like less sleep, less fun, more fret, and more responsibility. And yet the yield has been the greatest of my life.

So, yes, parenting isn't for the faint of heart. But it is for those who will call upon the Lord.

Because He never faints or grows weary. Because His watchful eyes are ever on me and mine. Because He will turn our striving into peace. Because He is trustworthy.

Drop Thy still dews of quietness,

Till all our strivings cease;

Take from our souls the strain and
stress,

And let our ordered lives confess

The beauty of Thy peace.
- John G. Whittier

I've read quite a few books over the last 2 weeks. Many have been good and more have been mediocre. My favorite "bedrest material" so far has been this book, borrowed from my mom's bookshelf. I'm only about halfway through and, while it may not be revolutionary if you've been around solid teaching on home and family, it is just the fresh encouragement I've been needing to keep on keeping on.

There are many great nuggets in this easy and quick read (I read half the book yesterday and will definitely finish the other half today). A favorite so far?

You need, husband and wife, drastic new exposures to each other. With a true pioneering spirit that's excited, cautious, relentless, you need to push into each other's hearts where no one else has ever been before, and discover, all on your own, what has never before been fathomed in your partner by anyone but God: the dark places, the bright places, the agonies and the ecstasies. And the more you come upon, the more you gather it all up in your arms and say, "This is all mine, God's gift to me," and hold tightly this amazing, labyrinthine, dearest treasure who is your Other Self.

The more children we have, the more years Daniel is in full-time ministry, and just the more life he and I live together, the easier it is to become strangers fulfilling shared (and many not-so-shared, to be brutally honest) obligations. There are too many days when all our daylight hours have been lived with him doing his thing and me doing mine, followed by night hours spent side by side in body but not in soul and spirit. It is too easy in the busy pace of life to speak very few words to each other besides, "Can you wash up the baby?" or "Don't wait up for me; I'll be out late."

One thing Daniel and I have begun being more disciplined about in 2007 is carving out intentional time for talking about the real things in our hearts. What a world of difference it has made! I have found myself feeling content in companionship, connected to what Daniel is doing because I get to hear firsthand about much of his activities, and stirred in my faith because there is a daily conversation about what God is speaking and doing.

Each morning, we settle the children and then sit to share a cup of coffee (well, for many weeks I wasn't drinking coffee because it would make me sick, but you know what I mean...) and conversation. It works for us, since evenings are at a much higher premium when working with college students than 7:00am is. I'm not a morning person, so trying to think and speak intelligently at that time is a challenge for me, but it is one I am find is well worth the effort. Not only is it a profitable and pleasant time, but the rest of my day is dramatically altered: I don't succumb to feelings of being alone, disconnected, or overwhelmed nearly as easily when the first items of my day's agenda are time with the Lord followed by time with Daniel.

Of course, three months later we are starting to be less consistent in this routine. The constant interruptions by little people (I must at least gratefully acknowledge that they are more easily entertained first thing in the day than they are later) and the pressing needs represented in long "to do" lists, combined with human nature's tendency to get bored with and give up on disciplines, has resulted in slack of late.

Yesterday and today, though, I am stirred afresh to know and treasure the amazing gift I have been given in my husband. God didn't tell me to marry so I wouldn't have to lock the front door at night or mow the lawn any more. He wants me to partner with this man in together representing Himself and His Church to the world. I can't do this if I have abandoned knowing and valuing the very person who makes me a "couple."

At any rate, I am recommending the book. There is much more addressed than just the husband/wife relationship. I am appreciating this reading very, very much and think it may bless others, too!

Edit: Here is another excerpt I read just now that I thought I would include, too. My dad has quoted it before, but it's worth hearing again!

I was visiting friends who'd just celebrated their 54th wedding anniversary. The husband tramped in from work leaving clods of dirt on the carpet. I said, "His boots certainly bring the dirt in." "Yes," she smiled, and went for the vacuum, "but they bring him in, too."

The Latest

:: I went to church yesterday for the 6th time so far this calendar year. It was wonderful. These last several weeks have given me a new sense of appreciation for corporate gatherings with my family in Christ. No amount of solid reading, good worship music, or challenging thoughts replaces the encouragement and stirring I receive when I am around others who love Jesus. I need it.

:: This weekend has been spent at my family's house. Everyone has gone above and beyond to make sure the children are cared for-- especially Camilla. I'm still here at Mom's, since a typical Monday starts for Daniel at 9:30am and ends at 10:30pm. That's a long time for this mom who isn't supposed to be climbing stairs or lifting children to be on her own, so we just opted to stay here one more day.

:: Daniel said the BASIC weekend was amazing. The crew that went down was the biggest to date and the time there has been declared by several as "the best yet!" Everyone seems to be agreeing that, though they missed worship with Isaiah Six, it was a powerful time and they were met by the Lord. One international student even gave his life to the Lord!

:: Several noted yesterday (I was noticing a couple days prior) that I'm starting to get that infamous baby "bulge." Experienced moms have told me that it happens earlier each time and I seem to be proving them all right. I think I will be in maternity clothes well before 20 weeks this time around.

:: Easter Sunday is around the corner and I find my anticipation building. There won't be decorations out at my house this year and I won't be making cheesebraids or cardamom bread, but nothing can take away the joy of salvation. As Christians saved by grace, we are hopefully celebrating our Savior's death and resurrection everyday. still, I cannot deny the distinct sense of rejoicing that Easter Sunday always brings.

:: The kids are watching a movie with several of extended family members. I am enjoying the fact that I can sit in the kitchen with music on and not worry about what might be (is?) happening in the other room.

:: ... Yeah... that's all.