Bits and Pieces O' Nothing

--Bronwyn is quickly approaching her 2nd birthday. This is hard for me; much more than when Gabriel turned 2, though I've no idea why. I've not allowed myself to look at any pictures of her as an infant these last couple weeks since I know I will too easily lose myself to the sad aspects of having a little girl grow instead of focusing on the joy of her development.

Still... it's not easy to realize baby days are slipping away...

--Yesterday I was able to meet someone new and actually have a several minute conversation with her without my children interrupting and making conversing impossible. This is just one more reason why I don't mind my turn working in the nursery!

--After the perfect kind of summer day, we had a cool night. Unfortunately, with last night being night #3 of Jackson sleeping horribly (waking at least every 2 hours and not sleeping soundly in-between), I didn't get to take advantage of the mild temperature and lower humidity and catch up on some much-needed rest.

--Daniel arrived home from Spain weighing a good 5-7lbs less than he did when he left. This proved to be all the inspiration I needed to re-inspect our family's diet, find it--as usual--far too high in refined flour and sugar, and make efforts to change it.

My favorite part about eating health[ier] is that corn on the cob, fresh cantaloupe, and some muffins can constitute dinner. As chef on hot summer days, I couldn't ask for more!

--I've never been a runner, jogger, or athlete of any sort. Through my highschool years, I gladly agreed to several nights/week of ballet class and lots of long, long walks down country roads in Madrid, but I never once wished to join the soccer team or play basketball. (It's not because I can't appreciate sports. It's just that I don't like doing things I stink at!) But now that my children no longer all fit in one stroller, I can't take long, long walks. Gabriel's little legs get tired and his tongue complains long before we've covered any distance... even at a slow pace.

After watching a couple specials on Discovery Health about what a lack of exercise and healthy eating does to one's body, however, I am re-charged in my desire to be disciplined so as to share my life with future generations. And since jogging means I can exercise more in a shorter amount of time, I decided to bite the bullet and join the club.

So 3 of the last 5 mornings have found me outside, getting a quick jog in while Daniel is here to watch the kids.

Do I like it? Nope.

But it's better than nothing. And maybe eventually I will like it. Kind of like the way I now love summer squash and peppers.

I hope, anyway.

--"Uncle" Merrick is concerned that Jackson wants to begin eating food since he eagerly watches me eat these days. How do I explain to a 7-year-old that Jackson would try to eat my flip-flop if I handed it to him and that his interest in my chicken and mushrooms has absolutely nothing to do with hunger?

Truly! I'm not starving my kid!

--We're all growing up. My sisters and brothers and I, that is.

I mean, the rest of you are, too. But somehow your growing doesn't take me by surprise. Other people grow and change. They always have and they always will. But us?

My sister--the braces-wearing, older sister--is expecting a baby in less than 2 months. Another sister--the stand-in-front-of-the-mirror-singing-to-herself sister--works full time and makes money... for real! And there's the sister--the quiet and always smiling little girl-who-doesn't-want-to-leave-home-for-an-overnighter sister--who is considering moving abroad for 6 months to go to school. What about my brother--my "boopah-cah" brother--who is now mature enough to change his diet and lose 30lbs in 3 weeks? Shall I continue? I probably shouldn't.

Because this is hard for me.

--I am glad to be saved. So very, very glad.

One of the things that amazes me most about the Lord is that just when I feel absolutely certain He must be disappointed and frustrated with me; that the response I am sure to get when I approach Him will be one of correction and disapproval; He showers love on me.

Showers and showers of love.

On a morning like this, I would usually concentrate on the "awful" nature of my night due to a fussy and often-awake 6-month-old. Today, I am seeking to consider the joy this particular baby brings to my life; and to remember the childless couple who would gladly forsake sleep for the amazing wonder of holding an infant of their own.

On a morning like this, I would usually drown in the list of "to do"s--knowing the house is needing a thorough cleaning just about everywhere (especially the window sills that have been collecting flies this past week) and wondering why my life only ever seems to amount to cleaning and cooking and baking. Today, I am seeking to focus on the real task that lies before me: building His Kingdom; and seeing the list of things before me as a means to an end and not the end itself.

On a morning like this, I would usually grumble about "always" being the one to stay home while others get to go. Today, I am seeking to give thanks for the blessing of His provision that allows me to be the daily influence in my children's lives; and to praise Him for the memories that are mine to keep and not those of a babysitter or daycare worker.

On a morning like this, I would usually be tempted to measure my value and worth by the things I do, and I would usually come up "lacking." Today, I am reminded of Whose daughter I am, and that I am only ever accepted and significant because of Jesus' blood and never because of anything I can or can't do.

On a morning like this, I want the words of my mouth the meditation of my heart [to] Be acceptable in thy sight, O Jehovah, my rock, and my redeemer.

Psalm 9:1--I will give thanks to the LORD with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonders.
wonder (wndr) n.
1. a. One that arouses awe, astonishment, surprise, or admiration; a marvel
    b. The emotion aroused by something awe-inspiring, astounding, or marvelous
2. An event inexplicable by the laws of nature; a miracle.

Today I have searched to find the wonders of You, so that I might be quick to tell others. Sometimes my idea of wonder is different than Yours, but today I sought to see as You see. And I found this:

1. My baby's cry is satisfied by me. This is a wonder.
2. I can talk to You all day long. This is a wonder.
3. Rainy skies become endless blue. This is a wonder.
4. I receive affection from flesh of my flesh. This is a wonder.
5. My husband is feeling empowered by me. This is a wonder.
6. We always have enough food to share with another. This is a wonder.
7. My son knows to thank God as Provider. This is a wonder.
8. I am loved. This is a wonder.
9. After the heat comes the cool of the day. This is a wonder.
10. I am a friend of God. This is a wonder.

*Note: There are a lot of pictures of the house in this entry. Not real exciting, I know, but I thought my friends who have yet to see my home and surroundings here in Madrid might enjoy a peek at some of the house. The rest of you (and some of them, it's true) might very well be bored. My apologies.*

While Daniel was gone I tackled some extra projects around the house. Up until recently these projects had been on "hold" because we were waiting to see how much our driveway expansion would cost, as my projects would involve purchasing extra storage. Just before Daniel left for Spain, he more-or-less finished the driveway/retaining wall and came in under budget. (Yea for that! ) So after he left I ordered bookshelves and baskets for storing toys, books, and our growing stash of toddler art supplies; and I bought a side table for the dining room so that I could move the dresser that had been in the dining room to the kids' room, allowing me to move Jackson's clothes from a laundry basket to a dresser. (Happy 6-month birthday, Jack!)

With the help of two guys that now call my parents Mom and Dad and therefore get the joy of helping me with jobs around the house, the furniture was assembled and I worked to my heart's delight at re-organizing.

I also transplanted a bunch of wild lilies from the borders of our yard to the area under our bedroom window. It's so shaded there that not even grass grows but--as those of you familiar with these lilies and their wild (and, at times, obnoxious) growth habits can attest--these flowers grow anywhere and are perfect for such an area.

At any rate, the kids' room is finally looking like we've moved in, after a long several months of boxes and laundry baskets and a severe lack of pictures/personal touches. There are always more things I would like to do/find/buy, but I'm happy for now. I don't mind the "settling in" process taking a long time, but I do like to feel that we haven't completely abandoned the efforts.

The kids' room as you look in from the doorway:


The kids' room from the rocker where I sit and read aloud at night:

(Gabriel sleeps in the bottom bunk and Bronwyn is just learning to use the "big bed" so Jack can have the crib.)

The room when standing near the crib:

(That's the dresser for Jack's clothes--where there used to be a laundry basket, plastic bags, and carboard boxes.)

The side table in the dining room:

I'm now tired of uploading pictures, so if you want to see the family room, come visit me.

1600+ miles later and two nights more than planned (we hadn't realized just how far from us the western side of Michigan really is), we're home. All of us. All in one house, all at one table, all in one vehicle.

I love my family and I love us in my house.

My. Family. My. House.

Sometimes I still can't believe this is me writing these things, but I sure do love it.

At any rate, enough rambling. All three kids are sleeping, groceries are put away, and I am so tired. I think slumber is drawing us all!

Two kids have fevers.

I have a headache.

And yet we're all happier than we've been in weeks.

Daniel's home!

I heard her clapping and saying, "I did it!"

Turning to see what she was so pleased about, I saw her pointing to a puzzle. She didn't put that together, I thought; but I knew she was trying to tell me she did, indeed, put it together. I, being the believe-in-my-children sort of mom, took the puzzle apart and told her to do it again before I would give her any sort of praise.

To my amazement, she did!

I'm not saying she's a genius, but she sure is a whole lot smarter than I've given her credit for being. And, just maybe, the nursery worker who told me one Sunday that they thought she was mechanically-minded was right!

At work


Finished and pleased!

A small project the kids and I did for tonight's Big Arrival:

(picture taken from the front door--just as one walks in)

My feet are ice cubes this morning; I actually woke up during the night at one point because I was cold. It feels good to sip my coffee and enjoy not only the flavor but also the temperature of the steaming liquid. I think the predicted high is only in the mid 80s.

Tomorrow morning we'll all be here. I am excited beyond words.

Yesterday lots of things broke. (Yes, you read that correctly: broke.) But I guess I really must be growing in my ability to see things for what they are: things; and money for what it is: money. Life happens.

Friday morning we leave first thing in the a.m. for Michigan. Daniel is a best man in a wedding there on Saturday. (Yes, you read that correctly: a best man. There are two.) We will have to make a long drive in a short amount of time, so we're leaving Gabriel and Bronwyn here with my two returning-from-Spain sisters. One thing I am glad for is that our car will be in tip-top shape for the trip!

I've been busy at work around the house in Daniel's absence, but haven't written of my efforts here because Daniel has been reading from Spain and I want to surprise him. I'm still not sure if the team is able to get a signal from Jamie's computer while waiting in the airport in London, so I will yet refrain from detailing my efforts.

Last night as we sat down to our meal of scrambled eggs and spinach in whole wheat pita bread, bananas, and peaches for what felt like the 100th time, I sighed with relief that Daniel will be home soon and I will have an excuse to use a "real" menu. We sure have saved a lot of money (we've spent less than half of what we usually spend!) by eating simple meals, but I think I've had enough eggs to last me the whole year!

Jackson can squirm all over the family floor, getting himself stuck under
bookshelves and upholstered furniture, but he still hasn't quite
mastered sitting up on his own. Does this make sense to
anyone?--because I sure don't get it!

My list of "to dos" is made. I got a lot done yesterday beyond what I'd even hoped to do--like cleaning out the fridge!--but there is still a significant list before me... Have I mentioned yet that I'm more tired than I've been since... well... since the last time I gave birth?!?! It's a good thing my cup of Starbucks french blend is caffeinated.

And it's a really good thing He's proven to me these last three weeks how much more He and I can handle than I'd ever thought I could.

There. My morning thoughts as I sip said coffee.

What did I do when I was told that our car repairs would cost around $1000 when all was said and done?

I emptied out the refrigerator (there was something relieving about the sound of my disposal running for a good five minutes) and thought about His provision; I thought about how He's provided for me in the past--multitudes of times and in multitudes of ways--and I thought about how many times He promises His provision in His Word.

It helped. It helped me remember Who it is that watches out for me.

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. --1 Peter 5:6-7

O God, when You went forth before Your people, When you marched through the wilderness... The earth quaked; The heavens also dropped rain at the presence of God; Sinai itself quaked at the presence of God, the God of Israel. You shed abroad a plentiful rain, O God; You confirmed Your inheritance when it was parched. Your creatures settled in it; You provided in Your goodness for the poor, O God. The Lord gives the command; The women who proclaim the good tidings are a great host. --Psalm 68:7-11

There we were--us four moms--standing and sitting and bouncing little ones, with eleven children under the age of four between us. Oh, and there was one five-year-old, as well. And one of the moms is six months pregnant. I know it sounds rather unbelievable, but really it's just that she was there, minus her two oldest kids... and that makes it entirely believable.

At one point, three three-year-old boys were deeply involved in filling a bucket of water to pour down their "stream" made of sand. The five-year-old girl had a fast follower in the three-year-old girl. My baby slept in a playpen, shaded by some well placed trees only feet away from the sand. Another baby needed to sleep, and almost did sleep except for his older sister's needs at an untimely moment. One little guy--a year old--crawled around and seemed rather intruiged by people smaller than he. And then there were the four wanderers: the almost-two-years-old crew. Three of them will have a birthday on August 10th; Bronwyn follows two days later.

It was one of the most fun days I've had in a long time. Let's do it again!

Edit: here are some pictures from yesterday (after church) and today's outing.

Thirsty after a service in an un-air-conditioned building!


Satisfied!


Ready for a nap


The happiest little guy!


Gabriel on the beach


Past naptime!


In the shade on the water--the best place for a nap in all of the US!


Sand toys are the best!


Splashing with Aunt Abby (we'd traded kids for the moment)

Sunday afternoons are very unpredictable for our family, and are often extremely rushed. We get home from church and have tired and hungry--and therefore grouchy--little people for whom the meal cannot be put on the table soon enough. Of course, this means us "big" people find that naptime cannot come soon enough!

On a normal not-normal Sunday afternoon, the kids rarely all sleep at the same time. Daniel and I typically spend the handful of hours before he runs out the door for the Sunday night College Ministry meeting taking turns dealing with a 3-year-old who still hasn't mastered the art of staying on his bed until he falls asleep, trying to keep our emotional almost-2-year-old from wailing so loud the entire neighborhood is disturbed, walking the baby, etc. I've gone so far in my Sunday-insanity as to think that the kids actually work together to sabotage the afternoon by taking turns sleeping instead of all napping simulatenously and thereby giving Daniel and I a break!

The last two weeks have been quite the opposite, I must say. With no Sunday School at 9am, we have only to be at church for the 10:30am worship service. Since the drive is less than 3 minutes (not including getting into the van, of course, which is another 5-10 minutes in good weather), I have been able to bid Gabriel good-bye at 9am as he leaves for worship team sound check with Carina and then lay Bronwyn and Jackson down for naps. Bronwyn doesn't usually take a morning nap, but Sundays are definitely deserving of such things. This nap means that my two youngest are neither tired or emotional throughout the worship service, and this makes for a much more pleasant and far less stressful experience.

We've come home shortly after the service ends, since running around on my own after two toddlers with a 16+ lb baby weighing me down doesn't sound like fun or like a good fellowship opportunity. This 12:30ish arrival home means the kids have eaten before they had a chance to cry from starvation, and this means I'm not grumpy.

Naptimes have coincided for all 3 almost exactly at the same times (which is something I have yet to accomplish most every other day of the week), since Gabriel is tired enough after his exciting morning of watching a drummer that he falls asleep before the 2 hours Jack naps are expired.

But you know what? I'd rather a rushed morning and getting out the door by 9am at the latest (earlier if Daniel's leading worship), baby and little girl falling asleep in arms during the service if we're fortunate, bouncing a tired baby and distracting hungry toddlers while Daniel talks with the many people who need to talk to him or who he needs to talk, arriving home to the sounds of 3 very loud cries, eating a meal while Jackson sleeps which means Jackson being awake while the other kids sleep, etc. than have the peace and quiet all to myself.

Four more bedtimes... Three more mornings...

Yay!

I've been tagged.

5 Things in my refrigerator:
1. New York Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese (my favorite)
2. 3 kiwis
3. spicy brown mustard
4. whole wheat pita bread
5. Starbucks Java Chip ice cream (Technically in my freezer...)

5 things in my closet:
1. wrapping paper
2. wedding dress
3. Daniel's shoes
4. bag of to-be-given gifts (Yes, I already have some Christmas purchases made; one does these things when one lives far away from shopping opportunities.)
5. sewing box

5 things in my car: (Technically, my van...)
1. pack 'n' play
2. 3 carseats
3. double stroller
4. Michael W. Smith's Go West Young Man--one of Gabriel's favorites
5. Baby Bjorn

5 secret addictions: (Since I don't really have any secret addictions--mine are all rather obvious, like needing something sweet to eat at least 1/day--I thought I'd go with 5 OCD tendancies I like to keep on the DL.)
1. I can't sleep with my closet doors or dresser drawers open
2. I like shoes left near the front door to be lined up from smallest to largest
3. I can't stand having any "white" on my finger nails (I should have been a musician...)
4. It bugs me to have the toilet lid up when not in use (which I'm having to deal with since our toilet lid broke recently and will fall off completely if moved up and down)
5. I have to have my cash organized: all bills facing the same direction and stacked in ascending $ amounts

5 people to tag:
1. Stacie
2. Sarah
3. Angela
4. Andrea
5. Lisa

Spain team pictures!

The Exchange
Jamie as God/Jesus, others as demons


Daniel as Satan, David as Adam, Kellie as Eve


Who Will Go?
Julia, Kelly, Louissa


Johnny M.


Elisa exhorting


David & Julia doing... ?


Cathy & Ellie


Louissa cleaning

There were some more, but I couldn't get them to resize for some reason... I will try to post them later.

Check her out--wearing shoes that belong to Aunt Beanz! She's all girl, but is tough nonetheless. (C'mon, check out her size!) Rather the perfect personality for handling two brothers with no problem whatsoever!

I laid the kids down (successfully) for naps and began tackling the things I still needed to do: clean the bathrooms, laundry, wash lunch dishes, etc. By the time I was done doing those things and had eaten some lunch myself, it had been almost 2 hours since I laid Jack--the first to begin napping--in his bed. Wanting a nap myself but not wanting to be woken from a too-short nap much more, I refrained from laying down and decided a "rest" with a book was a better idea. (I am less prone to irritability when just plain tired than when was-asleep-tired.)

Of course, today would be the day that all 3 are still asleep--an hour after I decided not to sleep!

Random Ramblings

It's going to be a bit of a scorcher today. Naptimes and hot days don't necessarily go together, in my opinion. I'm feeling that I would much rather endure the climax of the heat alongside a nearby beach, rather than sitting in a stuffy bedroom while my sweaty children try to fall asleep.

If you love summer, you might not want to come here today. You just might hear Gabriel wishing for snow, and me wishing we lived in Alaska.



That said, I am feeling a bit more prepared to handle this day than I'd been thinking I would be yesterday afternoon as--two hours later--Gabriel continued shrieking his bad attitude, tears kept streaming down my face, a peaceful afternoon became a distant thought, and exhaustion began to overwhelm me. A rescue mission by them included help while I conquered the "mountain" (those of you with strong-willed children may recollect or be experiencing the daunting nature of such a thing), dinner out, ice cream at the house with assistance in the kids' bedtime hour, and conversation during the loneliest time of day for me. Thanks to some outside perspective, I'm no longer convinced I am going to be absolutely miserable throughout the remainder of this week and well into the next.



May I recommend not calling your husband in a foreign country (yes, he read about me not being able to call him and quickly figured out a way for me to reach him if necessary... which I guess I figured was yesterday, silly me) in the middle of a mommy-breakdown? It probably isn't the best way to encourage him on his mission.

*sigh*

Sometimes in the midst of the challenges that seem so overwhelming and unmanageable, I do incredibly rash things. Fortunately, my optimist of optimists' passion is not easily squelched, his hope for tomorrow far more enduring than today's discouragement, and his praying with the Spirit and with understanding unbeatable, in this young mom's estimation. Still, it wasn't very thoughtful of me.



I'm determined to "do" this thing--this mothering, child-training, capturing-hearts thing. I just wish I had more confidence about when I'm hitting the mark and when I'm not.

Carina was amazing in Always... Patsy Cline last night. I mean, really amazing. And I'm not just writing that because she's my sister. Her voice sounded incredible--and she wasn't even singing her "ideal" range!

I sat and watched her and wondered when we all grew up; when we put away childish things and in earnest began this journey of becoming who He has created us to be. In many ways, I miss girlhood days; days of rushing through chores so as to make lots and lots of time for playing with siblings... days of spending summers carefree and without places to go and things to do (and, don't worry, I know us older siblings are the very reason my younger siblings have no clue what that's like)... days of being more alike than we were different; but I love discovering my sisters and brothers in all their grown-up destiny even more than I loved being children together. I think I mind the changes less because I know we'll always be family, regardless of where He leads.

I also sat and wished I wasn't alone. Last night was the first night I've left Jackson with babysitters (aka the best sisters in the world), and I left him to go out by myself. You can't even know how much I was missing Daniel throughout the whole evening. (OK, maybe you can.)

This morning I sit here and enjoy the peace of two children taking naps and one watching his hour of PBS television shows. Though I have been fairly successful in inching the children closer to a 7am wake-up and further away from a 6am wake-up, I find that the later hour means they immediately dive into action even more than they normally would. I had to endure almost three hours of absolute mayhem to get to this peaceful moment. At least I am appreciating the calm more for the craziness!

Six more morning routines minus Daniel. Seven more dinners and seven more bedtimes without Daddy. We're beginning the countdown, and I am glad.

I keep telling myself it's only been two weeks.

I keep telling myself it doesn't make sense to miss someone this much after what is really a very short amount of time.

But when that someone is the person you share every bit of your life with--the big things, the little things, and all the in-between things--I guess it makes a little more sense.

Right?

I am what people like myself refer to as a "realist."

(I'm a pessimist.)

This iniquitous personality trait does not lend itself naturally to hope, which is why it is all the more important that I learn to hope.

I am blessed that I married the optimist of optimists. Even when I think for sure something will disappoint Daniel and "put him over the edge," he somehow sees the good in it; and he always firmly believes that there is a way to hope in the midst of the most trying of moments. Having an unwaveringly buoyant spouse helps remind me that life is not all one gloomy prediction coming true.

Unfortunately, I haven't had him here to balance me out of late.

But I have His Word, and I like to hope that between His Spirit in me and my husband's influence, I am learning to be less of a pessimist and more of a believer.

For in You, O Lord, I hope; You will hear, O Lord my God. (Ps 38:15)

Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help, Whose hope is in the Lord his God. (Ps 146:5)

Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Ro 5:5)

Today I received the first detailed schedule from the Daniel and team since their arrival in Spain. In great defense of them, I'm fairly certain this is the first time they've known their schedule much in advance; up until now, they've been working in and around Malaga and letting the churches there plan their days. At any rate, I thought I would pass this along for those who are interested and for those who are praying:

Tonight: prayer-walking in Granada. (By now they've seen the gardens there, as they had tickets for seeing them at 5:30pm Spain-time. They also cleaned for some people in the church in Malaga earlier in the day.)

Tomorrow: a 2-hour meeting for youth ages 8-18 in the "Ghetto" or "problematic neighborhood" somewhere in the Malaga area. Afterwards they will drive the 1 and a 1/2 hours to Gibraltar for a prayer meeting there.

Wednesday: take the ferry to Morocco to meet with a 24-year-old guy who is very influential in the church there, do some prayer-walking, etc.

Thursday-Sunday: minister at a church in Estepona. Thursday-Saturday they will traverse the neighborhoods inviting people to outreaches in the evenings; and on Sunday morning they will do the local church's worship service.

Monday: travel the 7-8 hours to Madrid and join with a ministry there for an evening outreach.

Tuesday: tour in the morning and then in the evening.

Wednesday: come home!

Have I ever mentioned that I'm not a morning person?

Well, I'm not.

And, for some reason, young children/babies have absolutely no respect for this [very important] fact. It's not just that they wake up early. They need diapers changed and sippy cups filled and books read--all within the first 15 minutes of waking.

I'm so much not a morning person, I still don't like that sleeping in has been redefined for me as 7:30am. I can't even appreciate how disciplined this sounds.

Ugh.

One of the hardest things about this trip of Daniel's to Spain is that I can't call him.

He's called a couple times. He's managed his way to an internet connection a couple more times than that, even.

But when I'm needing and wanting to talk to him, I can't.

And that just plain old stinks.

I have people say to me that love is a commitment. And--well--it often takes the expression of commitment, but love is a passion for another...

My dad was speaking to a couple about to make their wedding vows to one another when he said these words (okay--I don't have the tape, so they were probably just words like these words), but last night when they found their way into my thoughts, they were in regards to my children.

I love my children. I really, really do. And I often--regularly--remind myself (and them) of my commitment to them, particularly as we walk together through lessons of obedience, honor, and character development. There are many times throughout any given day when I stir up that commitment so that I drop whatever I am doing to give care or to bring correction.

But I don't often take time to stir up passion for my children. In the busyness of life and due to the many demands of having three children ages three and under, it is far too easy to simply meet the requirements of commitment when, really, my commitment (a commitment initially wrought and founded in passion) should first and foremost spur me towards renewing my passion for them.

So last night, after a draining day and a tumultuous bedtime, I pulled out photo albums. I took my time in looking at the pictures and I re-examined the faces of my children. I marveled at the foretelling of little boy expressions found in photographs of Gabriel as an infant, and I drank in the beauty of my dark-haired, China-doll-skin baby girl all over again. I laughed at the captured waking-after-nap moments, and I recalled the tears of joy I felt when I first was told that I had a baby of my very own... and then when I was first told that I had a daughter of my very own.

When Ryan and Danica stopped in, Ryan wondered what I was doing.

Reminding myself of how happy I was when they were born.

Last night and today, I am purposing to continue stirring up commitment for Gabriel and Brownyn and Jackson--to feed them when they're hungry, to hold them when they're sad, and to discipline them when they're sinful--but I'm also purposing to stir up passion for them.

Because it's true: love without commitment is void of expression, but love without passion isn't love.

I thought some pictures of the Spain team might be enjoyed, sent from Louissa:

The team

Back row: Josh, Jamie, Daniel, David
Front row: Kelly, Louissa, Julia

Drama (at least, I assume it's a drama):


Worship:

They look good and tell me they're doing great!

(But, no, I don't approve of Daniel's black shirt with blue shorts... in case anyone was wondering.)

I begin days like today--days that seemingly stretch before me--and I falter to find the purpose in it. With nobody "big" around, I wonder why I should make a meal... why I should light that candle... why that bed should be made... why, why, why. What difference does it make?

And then my little girl--my precious soon-to-be-2-years-old girl--climbs up on the couch next to me. She tucks her chubby, dimpled arm inside of mine and leans her soft curls against my body. In spite of poor English and around the stubborn pacifier that is making its appearance all too often for my preference, she says, Love you, Mama, in her Bronwyn-girl way.

Later, I am holding Jackson close, rocking him to sleep. He is being stubborn about giving in, though his eyes are tired and red-rimmed. He reaches round fingers up and grabs my chin, smiling widely at me--a smile that reaches all the way up to his eyes.

In it all--in the midst of the chaos of drumrolls and fussing babies and tumbles that scrape knees (or rub-burn chins, more commonly)--these moments leap out, and a small sob catches in my throat.

It will be gone so quickly.

I already know this.

And in remembering this, the why's disappear and I only want to make this moment, this day, as special as it can be. There might not be a "big" person around to take note of how the dinner table is set, or that I vacuumed before the meal as well as after, or the way the bed was made with the throw pillows placed where they are pleasing to the eye, but it all adds up to childhood memories. I know this; after all, I was a child, too.

It will be gone so quickly... they will all be gone so quickly.

Sometimes my son says things that seem far too grown up for a 3-year-old to be saying. I do think he's smart, but I think he says these things simply because he's often around people much older than him.

Yesterday:

Where's the parade, Mom?

In Norwood.

Oh, he responded very matter-of-factly. Where the Dales live.

Right. Because every 3-year-old keeps track of which town people he knows are from.

This morning, at the breakfast table:

Gabriel and Bronwyn, do you guys remember why Daddy's in Spain?

Heads shake, even though we talk about this at least once a day before I pray for Daniel and the team in Spain.

Because there are people there who don't know Jesus, and Daddy's telling them about how Jesus died on the cross and rose again for them.

After some thought, Gabriel said, I think Daddy should just stay here and tell the people in Madrid about Jesus.

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior's blood
Died He for me who caused His pain
For me who Him to death pursued
Amazing Love, how can it be
That Thou my God shouldst die for me
Amazing Love, how can it be
That Thou my God shouldst die for me

He left His Father's throne above
So free, so infinite His Grace
Emptied Himself of all but Love
And bled for Adam's helpless race
'Tis mercy all immense and free
For O my God it found out me
Amazing Love how can it be
That Thou my God shouldst die for me

Long my imprisoned spirit lay
Fast bound in sin and nature's might
Thine eye diffused a quickening ray
I woke the dungeon flamed with light
My chains fell off my heart was free
I rose went forth and followed Thee
Amazing Love how can it be
That Thou my God shouldst die for me

No condemnation now I dread
Jesus and all in Him is mine
Alive in Him my living Head
And clothed in righteousness divine
Bold I approach th' eternal throne
And claim the crown through Christ my own
Amazing Love how can it be
That Thou my God shouldst die for me

--Charles Wesley

My latest adventure was kind of funny, a bit scary, and somewhat classic-Brietta.

It was around 11am. Jack was oversleeping his morning nap, but before waking him I thought I would load the garbage from our garbage pail into the van. My agenda was to wake him, load the kids in the van, dump the garbage, pick up Camilla (who is coming over this afternoon so I can get some projects done around the house), stop by the post office to get our mail (believe me, I would have it delivered if I could, but in small towns they can decide you  live "too close" to the post office), and return home.

Kids, I'm bringing the garbage out. Stay in the house.

Four bags were tossed into the back of the van (reason #561 I'm glad we have the "Grand" minivan) and I turned to go back into the house. Gabriel and Brownyn were standing on the porch with bare feet, smiling at me.

Gabriel, when Mama says to stay in the house, you need to obey. Bronwyn doesn't know to stay away from the road so it's dangerous to out here when I'm not watching.

Oh well. Chalk up one on the "Disobedient" list; but who's keeping track? I sigh, take their hands, and turn the doorknob.

Uh oh.

Gabriel, why is the door locked?

Because I locked it, Mom.

Right. You locked it. And the keys are in the house. And the cell phone is in the house. And we don't have a back door. So we're locked out. And Jack is locked in.

What to do?

Of course! The basement door! It means walking through a pitch-black basement that is infested at various times (maybe right now, for all I know) with mice and trip up stairs that I won't be able to see, but at least it will get me in.

After instructing Gabriel and Bronwyn to sit tight (Please, Lord, let them obey!), I did just that.

This is where the first bit of classic-Brietta comes in, because if I'd thought through it all, I would have remembered that we have a hook and eye lock on our basement door to keep toddlers from opening it and tumbling down the stairs to the cement floor. But, of course, I didn't think through the plan and only remembered this as I was trying to bust the basement door open in the pitch darkness, wondering the whole while what might scamper by at any minute.

So I stumble back through the basement and emerge outside, at that point just hoping the kids stayed put. They did, though Gabriel was crying hysterically because he thought I abandoned him.

Embarrassed by having to let anybody in on the scrape I was in, I pick up the two kids and cross the road to where a retired couple lives. Daniel's met them, but I never have. This would be a more-than-slightly humiliating first encounter.

After getting introductions overwith and disclosing my poor mothering abilities, I called my parents' from my neighbors phone. Carina answered and I told her I needed help. She, as always, responded by coming over. After unsuccessfully trying to heave me up over the back deck, which happens to be 10' above the ground, not counting the railing, she went back to Mom and Dad's to get a ladder.

Her return brought my dad along to help with the rescue mission.

But in the most embarrassing and classic-Brietta moment of all, I realized that my parents had a set of keys at the house because Josh had borrowed our car, and that set of keys just so happened to include a house key.

You mean that key chain has a house key and you didn't just tell us to bring it?

Well... I didn't remember that you have it.

Yup.

*Note: Jack slept through the whole thing and Carina is good-natured about my less-than-intelligent responses to emergencies. And thank goodness my family lives about half a mile down the road!*

The breeze in my house today is amazing. The wind picks up speed as it crosses the golf course adjacent to the back of our property, and we are the full recipients; especially now that my dad built a custom-made screen for my kitchen window, which looks out over said golf course.

And with every breath of this breeze--bringing full relief to the rising temperatures and increasing humidity--comes a reminder:

For He knows our frame, it says. He remembers that we are dust.

He knows. And He has Provided. Just as He causes the breeze that the sun might not cause me to faint, so He renews my soul. All it takes is the moment in which the air lifts: the heat is lessened, the drought is ended. The sun shall not strike me by day.

It shall not.