Saturday, October 4, 2008
Growing pains
Aubrey still isn't sleeping well. Last night she woke up 4 times before waking at 6:00 for the day. Her one bottom molar is almost all the way through, but the second is just barely breaking the surface. Co-sleeping isn't working at present because if she's in bed with me she nurses almost non-stop the whole night, which means I don't sleep at all because of thrush-induced pain.
The thrush situation has been frustrating. I have a wonderful doctor who will let me try most anything I can think of, but, unfortunately, not everyone is quite as receptive to my suggestions as she. After getting the list of ingredients and an emailed prescription for Dr. Newman's ointment, my doctor sent me off to the pharmacy, where I was promptly refused two of the four ingredients. Unfortunately, my home remedies, low-sugar diet, and probiotics aren't keeping up with this infection, which is now at the cracking and bleeding point [*wince*]. I have 10 days worth of Diflucan sitting in a cupboard, but I cringe at the thought of taking it.
You would, too, if you knew that one of the side effects could lead to serious cardiac arrhythmias. Yeah, just what Aubrey needs...
I'm tired. I'm in pain. If the infection itself wasn't enough, Aubrey has been nursing around the clock because of teething. She's also been struggling with some constipation for the past 3 weeks so I'm hesitant to offer her much in the way of food beyond breastmilk.
And so, yes, my attitude has been poor these past few days. If I'm not stressed, I'm hopeless. If I'm not despairing, I'm jealous [of all the moms out there who never face so many breastfeeding challenges]. If I'm not wallowing in self-pity, I'm panicking about all the What-Ifs.
In the end, as I cried all the way home from the pharmacy the other day and as I wake for what feels like the millionth time in the night, I realize that I've been settling. Yes, I forget to bring these "small" issues to the Lord in prayer, feeling that somehow I must deal with them with my own finite resources instead of bringing them to the One who is control of all. But, mostly, I've been settling in my attitude. I've been forgetting that peace isn't a circumstance or a feeling or an environment. Peace is knowing Jesus. Peace is my eternity being settled. Peace passes understanding and situations.
These growing pains are hurting right now, but I'm grateful for them all the same. I cling to the knowledge that He is working the filth of sin out of me, little by little. I want to be like Him more than I want things to be easy.
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My heart aches for you as I read this and yet... I immediately saw a way that God can -and is/will -use this for good. Laying aside how it is helping you to grow in Him and trust in Him (something we always need practice doing), you are glorifying Him through your choices here. So, so many moms would have simply given up on breastfeeding long ago. It is tiring. It is painful. It hurts. It isnt always easy. And yet... It is also the very best for our babies. It equips their bodies in ways nothing else can. It is one of the only things that we alone are able to do for our little ones. The list goes on...
ReplyDeleteI hear so many moms who gave up on nursing because it hurt, it didnt "work well for them", the baby was up too much in the night, they constantly fought mastitis and thrush... basically every thing that you have been dealing with all at once -if they had one of them, they gave up.
So in this season of growing pains, I want to encourage you -and thank you. Your daily (hourly!) choice to put your children ahead of your own needs is inspiring and challenging. May all of mothers be so willing -all the time.
You are amazing. I love you tons. And I'll be praying that these "small" issues get resolved, too. And in the meantime, for grace.
ReplyDeleteAs I read this post I thought back to the days of my miracle boys.
ReplyDeleteWhen you wrote that you cried all the way home from the pharmacy, I remembered crying the whole way back from Syracuse.
I remember slumping into a heap on the floor one night at about 3am. I sobbed and told Eric that it would "always be this way". He assured me it wouldn't.
Now, as I look back- it does really seem like yesterday that I was (we were) going through this.
Thanks to faithful family and friends and the prayers they sent up for us, these memories are only a blur. A trying time that has almost vanished away. Just a blip from the past that I can't even really believe now.
So, all that to say...I will pray for you since I know it's the best I can do.
And- this, too shall pass. And two years from now- you won't even believe the trial you endured!
My goodness! What could you possibly have asked for that they wouldn't sell to you!? It certainly does complicate things that Diflucan has such serious side effects.I just wanted to say that I know out in the world at large, a lot of people would give you a pop in the side of the head and say "Just STOP breastfeeding already!!" and I for one would more than understand if you did. That said, I don't think you're crazy. On the contrary, I deeply appreciate your selfless commitment to your children. I respect your understanding that it's not about your personal fulfillment and to be tossed out the moment it's no longer pleasant for you.My sister was asking me if I was going to go ahead and take the epidural this time around and I confess, I've never been so tempted. After finding Mariah's birth to be even more painful (both during and after) than the previous two, it's an awfully appealing thought! She said something along the lines that only reason to refuse was to "prove something" or out of some competitive need to be better than someone else. (Tee-hee... Obviously a comment from someone who's never experienced childbirth!)I've decided to release myself from the guilt involved if I ever get to the point that I feel I need to do that and I most definitely don't blame anyone who does. I think I've just found I'm a far more selfish mother/person than even I could have anticipated, so maybe natural childbirth is a little selfish in the sense that I feel if I can at least start out on a selfless note, maybe, just maybe, I can hold that thought and continue in that pattern. (I can now say with certainty that it's no magic charm, but I do feel that if I can bear to offer my best, I should at least endeavor to. Yes, it's painful, but who knew that to plop on the couch exhausted and ignore that needs of my children would be, at times, far more tempting than an epidural!?)Well... you can send me my "longest-comment-ever-award" when you get around to it. Just wanted you to know that someone other than Aubrey appreciates your effort and you can add my prayers to yours on behalf of this "small" matter.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying
ReplyDeleteYou're handing things a lot better than I would! I would have weaned a long time ago!!
ReplyDeleteIf you're afraid of weaning b/c of constipation, I would not be. There are lots of bowel-moving, baby-friendly foods you can find! And geesh, don't feel like you have to be super-mom. If you are hanging in there, great, but if you need to just STOP everything and recuperate, by all means do so! You will still be a great wife and mom and no one will think any less or differently of you. We are all thinking about you and praying or you. Don't kill yourself!!
ReplyDelete@High_Note - I won't think less of you if you get an epidural if you wouldn't think less of me. Seriously, though, I think there's something to be said for making decisions on a case-by-case basis. I'm learning that all my naive, immature declarations of what kind of mom I'll be, how things will work in my house, etc. were about as long-lasting as my first day of pregnancy! We live and learn and find that with each child and each season, what we can and should do is a little different, you know?That said, I definitely don't feel ready to be done nursing, in spite of all the challenges. The thought never even entered my mind until I got these comments! Aubrey's my little baby still who won't drink from a sippy cup or a bottle. I know you understand exactly when I say that the thought of being done is incomprehensible. And so I press on... !
ReplyDelete@sarahellie - Oh yes, there are lots of good foods, I know! Actually, I haven't even really thought of weaning. Beyond thrush, this has been the most pleasant breastfeeding experience for me with an older infant (or maybe she's technically a young toddler now??!!). I'm REALLY hoping that I can push through these issues and continue because I'm just plain old liking it.
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