Catching Up

Tuesday afternoon, we went ahead and moved out of our house temporarily while the kitchen remodel takes place. My grandparents' apartment (part of my parents' house) is available right now since my grandparents are currently in Florida, so that's where we've relocated to. The decision was kind of last-minute, so I quickly unpacked our kitchen (which was a surprisingly big job that Daniel and I somehow managed to do in less than 2 hours while Liana kept our kids entertained) and we left.

Pretty exciting, this home remodeling stuff. And pretty nice that we don't have to just function without a kitchen while the work takes place.

We're enjoying being here at Mom and Dad's. The kids think it's just one long sleepover. I'm enjoying having lots of friends (aka sisters) to spend the day with while we go about our somewhat regular activities. It's fun to cook for such a big houseful, too, especially since they all seem pretty appreciative of the results. Wednesday I made split pea soup (creamy and loaded with crumbled bacon-- yum) and last night I made homemade mac & cheese and a huge pot of homemade applesauce with all my remaining apples. Some good comfort food for these snowy days.

This morning most of the household has vacated the premises as they go about their Friday routine: work, college classes, Friday program, etc. I'm here with my three youngest and Lauren, who is currently enjoying following Bronwyn around. The goal for the morning is getting our laundry done so I can pack Daniel's bag for his weekend away.

I've started thinking about the 10-day trip to Pittsburgh that we have planned for Thanksgiving. I'm really excited about it! I have lots of people (and babies!) to catch up with. For example, I've yet to see either of her 2 younger girls in person! And Aubrey still hasn't met most of our Pittsburgh friends and relatives.

Along with those activities, I've been spending a lot of time thinking and praying about the upcoming elections. This is weighty stuff and is often on my mind. While I am sober and prayerful, I am also renewed in the peace of being held in the palm of His hands. He is surprised or undone by nothing, and His kingdom is ever increasing.

More food for thought

To say there has been much wrestling in me as we approach this election is a huge understatement. I would much rather have my options be black and white, but they're not. The men campaigning for presidency are neither one, unfortunately, believers with strong convictions based on the Word of God.

Randy Alcorn again gives voice to and food for thought regarding many of the things I am wrestling with:

Years ago I had long discussions with Christian friends who voted against an Oregon ballot measure that attempted to restrict abortion to cases involving rape, incest and threat to the mother’s life. (A John McCain type of position.) Nanci and I voted for the measure. Why? Because it would save the vast majority of babies who would have been aborted in a state that wouldn’t begin to agree to a measure saving 100% of lives. The idea is, if you can start by saving some, eventually you might save more. And in this case, saving 98% would have been a bold start!

...Certainly I would never kill two babies to save one hundred. But shouldn’t I jump in and try to save 98 babies even if I couldn’t save two, if those two would have died along with the 98 if I did nothing? My point is this—no unborn children who wouldn’t have died will die if John McCain is in office. And many children, through Supreme Court appointments, could ultimately be saved.

If I were at the beach and four children were drowning and I could save only one or two of them, I would be grieved at those I couldn’t save. But I would not stay out of the water on the principle that if I can’t save them all, I shouldn’t try to save any. How are those not saved helped by the drowning of others?

...Is there a time when it is possible to use your vote not so much for a person, but against an issue that you believe to be unbridled evil? If so, isn’t legalized child-killing such an issue? In this case is it possible to say “Lord, I am voting against the candidate who supports the legalized killing of the 100% of those whose parents elect abortion; the only way I can do that effectively is to vote for a man who on this sacred issue is 98% right and two percent wrong. I grieve the two percent, but I am voting for the 98%; you know my heart, please bless this vote as an expression of my desire to honor you.”

This is what I’m doing. I’m not voting for a man, I’m voting for the best possible outcome for those who are the Jews and slaves of our day. And I am voting against the worst possible outcome.

read all of it

Thanks for letting me quote so much these days. It's helpful to me to somehow share these thoughts that I have trouble saying/writing myself and I hope that maybe it helps you to read it.

Daily schedule

Several of my readers have asked about the list I use for making my daily schedule after my recent post on a day in my life. I really can't lay claim to this particular document I print and use because I know I got the idea from something I saw once on another wife & mom's blog. I just don't remember what blog or I would point you to the original idea instead of simply sharing my version of what I remember of it. (Carole, maybe you remember, because I think I found it through your recommended list?)

Here are some of the things I love about this:

1. My life is not identical day after day and this list allows me to adjust my routine and schedule for each day. I think we all have things that come up like dental appointments, house projects that overrun our existence, etc., but since I don't even have the stability of bus schedules/public school hours, a 40-hour a week job, or even a husband who works 9-5 and is home each evening, it's really helpful to have something like this.

2. Each time I look at this sheet throughout the day, I tell myself to first look at the scripture verse I'm meditating on. It's a great way to keep my mind on Jesus throughout my day.

3. This list limits me to 10 things on my To Do list. I need this sort of limitation because I can get so lofty in my ambitions that I doom myself to failure.

4. The "Most Important Things" reallllllly helps me focus my day. If I could highly recommend borrowing one idea from this daily docket, I would say this is the thing you need. I can get so distracted by the things I need to do and then finish my day not having accomplished the most important things, which leaves me feeling unproductive and frustrated even if I've been busy doing good things since I first woke up.

5. Keeping track of water intake is very helpful! I only have 4 boxes because I use a 34oz water bottle that I aim to fill 4x each day. I consider anything I drink with meals out of a glass as superfluous fluid-intake.

6. Having the dinner plan written out right with the daily schedule/to do list helps me keep track of what time I need to do various preparations so that we actually eat something besides cereal for dinner. (Not that that's ever happened here... )

I put this stolen idea together using a publisher document and I also have it saved as a pdf, so if any of you readers would like it in either of these formats, let me know and I can send it to you. (Oh-- don't forget to give me your email address unless you know I already have it.)

"a charismatic demagogue"

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Some of my favorite articles and links come from Amy. I wanted to pass this one along as it echoed what I have wondered for some months: why are so many-- believers and non-believers alike-- are being swept up in Ob@ma's campaign, seemingly regardless of his qualifications or disqualifications?

Ob@ma's appeal to the middle class is an appeal to the "the proletariat," as an infamous philosopher once described it, about which a mythology has been created. Rather than pursue the American Dream, he insists that the American Dream has arbitrary limits, limits Ob@ma would set for the rest of us — today it's $250,000 for businesses and even less for individuals. If the individual dares to succeed beyond the limits set by Ob@ma, he is punished for he's now officially "rich." The value of his physical and intellectual labor must be confiscated in greater amounts for the good of the proletariat (the middle class). And so it is that the middle class, the birth-child of capitalism, is both celebrated and enslaved — for its own good and the greater good. The "hope" Ob@ma represents, therefore, is not hope at all. It is the misery of his utopianism imposed on the individual.

read all of it

On Bronwyn's heart

For several weeks, every time Bronwyn asked to pray at a meal, her prayer would go like this:

"Thank You, Jesus, for this food. I pray that we will have a good day. And I pray that Rick and Carina will find a place to live when they get married. Amen."

It was very cute and we were very happy that she was thinking of them. (We had mentioned this need of theirs once during a family prayer time, but had never specifically asked Bronwyn to pray about it.)

We told her about two weeks ago that Rick and Carina signed a lease for an apartment. So now her prayer goes like this:

"Thank You, Jesus, for this food. I pray that we will have a good day. And I pray that it will snow a lot today. Amen."

I'm afraid all you snow-haters are pitted against a very faithful prayer warrior!


P.S. Jackson's most frequent petition is that we will have lots of food. Daniel and I have determined that after our lengthy reading/discussions about Joseph of the Old Testament, he is a little concerned about a famine. My funny boy...

Why vote prolife

More thoughts from a great writer on the issue of abortion in the upcoming election:

"I don’t think someone is a good candidate just because he is prolife. But he cannot be a good candidate unless he is prolife. Personally, if he is committed to legalized child-killing, as a matter of conscience I must vote against him...

"OF COURSE THERE ARE OTHER ISSUES. I don't minimize them. All I can say is the differences between the candidates on those issues don't stack up, even cumulatively, to the legalized killing of human beings. It's a matter of relative importance, not just a number of issues. A man who is a good husband in most respects, but who beats his wife, is not a good husband. That issue outweighs all the others.

"...Now, if you think... that the difference between the candidates isn't that great, or they will not influence the future of abortion in this country, I challenge you to look at Obama's dogged commitment to the legalized killing of unborn children, backed up by his 100% proabortion voting record. And look at McCain's repeatedly stated commitment, also demonstrated by his voting record, to oppose the legalized killing of children. If you think your presidential vote is not for or against unborn children, you don't understand the significance of the Freedom of Choice Act or the significance of the balance of power of the Supreme Court with the Obama judges who are certain to be pro-legal-abortion and the McCain judges who are virtually certain to be anti-legal-abortion.

"...I've heard other prolife people say "I don't like either candidate, so I'm not voting at all." Well, ask yourself who you're willing to punish by not voting. If it's political parties who will pay, fine, I really don't care about them.... (Don't vote for the man, vote for generations of children who will have a chance to live if he's elected, even if he's just a mediocre president in other areas.)

"...I have seen what abortion does. I've seen the severed limbs of children. I once held in my hands part of an unborn child that had been put in an abortion clinic dumpster. It hurt deep in my gut. I've seen abortion up close. It is not a theoretical or philosophical issue. It is a bloody crime against humanity and against the Creator."

read all of it

I was weeping by the end and I think you will be, too.

Wednesday morning reality

In the spirit of realism, I thought I should include these very current photos, taken only minutes ago:



The kids are watching a movie and it's only 10:30 in the morning!




It's 10:30 in the morning and my bed still isn't made!


Wednesdays are the toughest day of the week for me. Because Tuesday is Daniel's day off, Wednesday is to me what Monday is to the rest of the world. On this day each week, I'm coming off of a day of having my best friend around and am being reintroduced to the many responsibilities that lie squarely on my shoulders. Wednesdays are also hard because when Daniel leaves for the morning, I know I won't see him again until Thursday evening. (He gets home late Wednesday night and leaves by 5:30 Thursday morning; I'll admit publicly that I can't keep up with him without serious exhaustion issues on my part.)

Fortunately, I've realized this trend of Wednesdays being the hardest day for me and I've learned (albeit the hard way) to cut myself some slack. Instead of focusing on the things that aren't getting done, I try to think about what's been checked off my list so far. It's better for my frame of mind to do that than to rehearse all that's undone things. (So I won't elaborate beyond the picture of my bed!)

Honestly, I don't normally do the movie thing at this time of day (even on Wednesdays!) because this is usually when we'd be working on some sort of formal schooling. But I gave myself the day off. *gasp* It's the first day off we've had since we started, and I'm really fried. Not from the actual schooling requirements, but from the plethora of training that has to be tackled when we do school: "Please sit still," "Don't interrupt Mama," "Please answer the question," "Stop running," and "Don't pick your nose." It's all good character stuff and I'm grateful for the increased opportunities read-aloud and table-time has provided for it, but sometimes we just need a breather so we can regroup.

So that's my house right now. I'm nursing Aubrey and the kids are all quiet. It's peaceful. I'm encouraged, even just by my own ability to realize that stopping is indeed in the best interest of my family right now.

A new cloth diapering resource

Kelly, of Kelly's Closet (I purchased all our cloth diapers and cloth diapering supplies/accessories from here; the customer service is incredible, and I mean it!), is now blogging at The Cloth Diaper Whisperer. She's a great resource about cloth diapering and has been really great about answering my questions via email when I've had them.

There will be a free Bum Genius cloth diaper give-away as part of her grand opening. Cool!

A day in the life: Monday

A bit ago I saw a number of blogs hosting "A day in the life" with pictures and details of a real, down-to-earth day in their home. I'm no photographer *snort* but I guess there was something that really appealed to me about the whole thing just the same. So here's my Day in the Life. Raw, unedited (I mean, other than some cropping and red-eye removal), make-up-less reality.

I was greeted almost first thing with Jackson's wet sheets. He had leaked through last night.




Breakfast for the kids at around 8:30am, after getting everyone ready for the day and starting laundry.




I cleaned up from breakfast.




Then I had a few moments of quiet/reflection/Bible meditation, along with a chance to make my list for the day.




I got Jackson busy with trains and Aubrey with him (or so I thought) and then started Gabriel and Bronwyn on their table work.




I aim to drink 4 of these 34oz water bottles a day, plus whatever I drink at meals. I always drink at least 3, often 3-1/2, and occasionally I actually reach my goal.




Gabriel and Bronwyn were busy with their math/handwriting work and I had a minute to notice that Aubrey was upstairs banging on Gabriel drumset. I brought her back downstairs, only to realize the problem wasn't that the gate hadn't been put up but that she's learned how to use her shoulders to push it aside.




This is one determined girl, let me tell you.




After repeating the above scene 3 times, I brought her down and stuck her in Jackson's booster with a crayon. She pretended to draw, her favorite pasttime, for almost 15 minutes




I did this many times throughout the day (I lose count after a while). I think this picture was taken just before I began our Read Aloud time. (We finished chapter 2 of Five Little Peppers today.)




I got the kids ready to play outside and then I hung some things on the line.




I got to see and hear this.




Bronwyn and Jackson driving their trucks in the yard.




We ate lunch around noon. Rice cakes with peanut butter, mozzarella cheese, and cortland apples.




Daniel stopped and checked some work I had done for him in the morning. Then he was off again for the rest of the afternoon and through the evening (Monday is one of his long days).




Between lunch and naps, I chipped away at the weekend laundry.




After 3 kids were all sleeping and Gabriel was playing nicely (probably around 1:30pm), I started tackling the bushel of apples Laura's (the girl who's living with us) mom brought this weekend when she came to visit. I'm so excited to have these. I peeled and sliced enough apples for 4 freezer bags (each bag has enough apples for an apple pie or an apple crisp) and then an additional 20 cups or so to make a sizeable pot of applesauce today. I still have at least half the bushel left to take care of.




Around 3pm Liana walked Merrick down for some playtime. She read a book to Bronwyn before the kids headed outdoors to play more and we (Laura, Liana, and I) visited a bit.




At 4pm Liana and Merrick left, I put a PBS video on the history of trains from the library on for the kids, and I got back to work. Emptied the dishwasher.




Then I folded the 2 loads of laundry that were finished.




I totally accidentally deleted my Before picture. You might think I'm lying, but I was actually really excited about showing the progress in the kids' room! Oh well. All you get to see is after I re-made Jackson's bed, tided the other beds, picked up what-felt-like 100 miscellaneous clothing and paper items, and dusted.




When I got downstairs from working on the kids' room, this is what I found Aubrey doing. She figured out how to get past the child-latches on the cupboards. What a girl.




I vacuumed, partly because the house needed it and mostly because it would be a chore I could get done while entertaining Aubrey simultaneously (she loves playing "chase" with the vacuum cleaner).




After dinner with the kids and Laura of grilled cheese sandwiches (the kids), leftover chicken pot pie (Laura & I) applesauce, and baby carrots (sorry, I forgot to take pictures), I cleaned up.




I had to take a picture of this because every 10-15 minutes all evening long, I saw this little face and heard a cute two-year-old voice asking, "Help, Mama, help me with Buzz's wing?"




At 6:30pm I brought the kids upstairs and helped them get ready for bed, which took almost 20 minutes (I've yet to figure out how to make these simple processes take less time!).




We came downstairs and read several books together. Then it was up to bed for 3 of them, where I read a couple Bible stories, we prayed together, and I turned out the lights. I returned downstairs to nurse Aubrey and get her down for the night, along with uploading all these photos. I just laid her in her crib. So now I'm going to do some exercise with a Weight Watchers' workout DVD my in-laws gave me for my birthday before I spend some time with a book to unwind for the night.


This seems like a whole lot of pictures and yet it still only manages to catch glimpses of our day. Looking over them all, I realize how rich with love and privileges I am.

innocent children

An excerpt from one of the sharpest, most well-spoken men on the major moral issue of our day:

"Let me remind you that when I first heard him speak I wanted to vote for Obama. I have no hatred or disdain for him. I think he's likable, sharp, and has some good ideas. What I am feeling is profound sadness that he would sacrifice children on the altar of choice. And, yes, I admit to being grieved that many Christians are following him, as if the legalized killing of children created in God's image were just one more secondary political issue (some issues, including slavery and Jew-killing and child-killing, are bigger than that). I totally understand disenchantment with the Republican party; what I don't understand is why innocent children deserve to be punished by your vote." [emphasis mine]

Read the whole article here.

Tagged

1. I like chunks in my homemade applesauce. It tastes more like apple pie filling that way.

2. I have to brush my teeth first thing in the morning before I do anything else, including nursing the baby (even though I nurse her all night long, it's somehow different once I'm up for the day!), drinking my coffee, changing a diaper, eating, etc.

3. Generally, I'm okay with buying knock-off brands. Several exceptions to this include mayonnaise, ketchup, cereal, peanut butter, and hot cocoa mix.

4. I don't have curtains in any of the first floor windows of my house. There are roman shades in my bedroom, but that's it. This is partly because I love the molding in our house and I like the simple, colonial look of bare windows, but it's also because I'm not impressed with most window treatments and consequently feel at a loss as to what I would like.

5. I rarely compare myself with other people, but I struggle hourly with comparing myself with who I think I should be.

6. I work better with shoes on. Even around the house.

7. My husband tells me I look like I'm crazy when I read because my eyes move so fast.

Relationships

I wrote yesterday briefly about how I am striving to keep relationships-- people-- as the priority of my life. This doesn't come naturally to me. I am a very goal/task-oriented person. Crossing projects off my list gives me great, great delight and satisfaction. Having those projects interrupted really grates one me.

But I try. I really, really, really do. Because several years ago I learned a hard lesson: when I get stuck in that cycle of tasks and goals, I work and work and work and then, eventually, I realize I'm lonely. And I want someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, someone to be with. The problem at that point is that I've used up my best energy all that time on my pet projects so that now, when I want someone around, I don't have someone I feel particularly close to.

Which may be why it meant so much to me on my most recent birthday when my family and several friends shared about how they always know they can stop by and that I will just spend time with them. On the way home from that celebration, Daniel looked at me and said, "You're doing it, hon. People know you're available for them whenever they might need you."

Sometimes, it's easy to wonder if I'm growing at all. I feel like I face the same giants over and over and over again, and often I feel like I'm doing worse and worse and worse when it comes to defeating them. It's so good to pause for a bit and realize that the Holy Spirit really is changing me from the inside out.

I haven't arrived, that's for sure. It's still a battle for me, particularly during those weeks when I feel so driven to accomplish things. But knowing that I've come a bit farther encourages me to keep praying and making those efforts to change.

In God's economy, there isn't anything more valuable than people. They are the prize Jesus focused on when He went to the Cross. They are the reward He's coming back for one day. I want to really care about what He really cares about.

And it's not the condition of my kitchen sink.

House update

We are plugging away at "our" jobs that need to be finished before our contractor returns to do all the interior work in the kitchen/great room project. Daniel's been slowly but surely painting the exterior of the house with the help of those poor unsuspecting souls who happen to mention that they have some free time on Tuesday mornings. The job is almost complete, minus painting the trim in a few places and the doors.

My job of picking things out is getting taken care of, too. In my mind's eye, my choices are just perfect. The good thing is that I haven't had anybody look at me in horrified shock when I've showed them the samples, so I think it will all work together nicely. I'll know in a month.

This is more or less the style cabinets I'm getting.
Sorry the photo's so blurry. I stink at photography.


More stinking at photography.
Left to right:
wood sample for the cabinets, countertop sample, interior wall (the green looks very... ummm... not right in this photo-- sorry) & trim samples


This is the sort of fabric I'm leaning towards for flat paneled valances

The official cabinet proposal arrived yesterday, which makes it all feel very wonderfully real. Of course, I'm so not used to knowing what to do with this sort of thing that I just took it and stuck it on the refrigerator for Daniel to look at. I'll take care of the being So Ridiculously Excited part of it all. Everything else rest just makes my hands get clammy because I am so out of my element. If I ever say I can't handle my kids again, remind me of how much better I do with childcare than with any sort of business transaction.

Oh, but I am So Ridiculously Excited! It doesn't even matter that things will continue to happen in stages instead of right away (like, the new appliances won't be purchased until next spring and the corner sofa-- idemo beige, not black-- until after that) because I will actually have storage in my kitchen! And my refrigerator won't open against the adjoining counter! And there will be counters for cooking and baking! And I will be happy to share my workspace instead of banging into people all the time! And it will be beautiful!

I'm not sure exactly how many more days we have until the official work resumes around here. I don't think much more than a week since the cabinet installation is due the first week in November! Yay!

How the days fly by!

This semester is almost completely filled up. Yesterday Daniel and I sat down for a few minutes together to discuss good potential dates for Aubrey's procedure before I went ahead and called the cardiologists. We thought it would be an easy task, but weren't we surprised to find that week by week we went through the calendar and struggled to find many options between now and Christmas. In the end, of course, we'll do what we have to do to get it squeezed in, but it won't be as simple as we'd thought it would be.

I am loving autumn this year. It's been breathtaking and unseasonably mild. The only blip in it might be Halloween, which is just an ugly and awful day, in my opinion. [Bunny trail: I have yet to find any activity that redeems it, though the years my family spent it eating at dinner at Sergi's sure came close to doing the trick. If anyone has any suggestions...] However, it's been hard to find time to just enjoy the weather and outdoors. I try not to be offended by the fact that the bathrooms still have to be cleaned and the laundry still has to be done even when I'd rather just blow it all off and take the kids on long walks.

In about 5 or 6 weeks (we have yet to nail down exact travel dates) we'll be heading to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving. Um, wow: the end of November is only in 5 or 6 weeks??? We are super excited about the trip, if less than enthused about the rapid disappearance of time. Besides Daniel's trip Memorial Day weekend with 3 kids to Cook Forest, we haven't been to PA in over a year. Aubrey has yet to meet many of her Paladin relatives. It is high time!

Busy days can tend to crowd out relationships. I am doing my best to not neglect them. So over the weekend, we had good friends stay with us for the weekend. Area friends joined all of us for dinner Saturday night. Sunday after church we gather with the family for a big meal before Mom headed off to California for a month. Tonight we're having more friends over for dinner. It's just good to be with people and remember that the never-ending list of Things To Do is not the most important thing in life. Not to mention, it's a lot more fun than crossing one more thing off.

More on Aubrey::

:: Aubrey has decided in the last 2 weeks that she loves food. Like, she actually gets angry when we don't share with her! I wouldn't say that she eats astounding amounts, but she wants to be able to try everything we have. (Unfortunately for her, this isn't always possible for various reasons.)

:: Perhaps not coincidentally, Aubrey is really growing! Her cheeks are filling out and her belly is getting rounder! (This may also be in part because she suffers from slow bowels due to not wanting to drink anything besides breastmilk.) I am loving this!

:: We got a letter from the cardiologists last week saying they did indeed discuss Aubrey in a recent conference and have decided they would like to go ahead and schedule an esophageal echocardiogram. Daniel and I need to consult our calendar so we can plan this. I must confess that I'm kind of dreading yet another trip to Syracuse, but I realize this is an important step in Aubrey's care. While she'll have to be put under general anesthesia for this procedure, it is much less invasic than a heart catheterization, which I'm glad about.

:: Next Monday Aubrey starts this year's round of Synagis shots. Not a bit fun.

:: It has now been almost 5 nights in a row that Aubrey has only woken 2-3x. I am definitely loving the increased sleep! 3 of her 4 molars are in and the 4th has started breaking through her gums, which I'm sure is a large part of the reason that she's sleeping better again. Even though I'm starting to feel her last incisor making it's appearance, that sort of tooth doesn't seem to cause quite the misery molars do. Not to mention that since she's had the others for a couple months, her smile has been rather lopsided until now.

:: Thrush or whatever it was seems totally cleared up without taking Diflucan! Nursing is once again pain-free as of yesterday. Woo-hoo!!!!

Notes on my little people::

 
:: I think that Aubrey is turning out to be quite the silly girl. She already cracks up about the ridiculous games she and Daddy play together. Daniel seems pretty pleased that she's showing distinct signs of being a girl after his own heart in the humor department.

:: Boys and girls are so incredibly different! I never have to tell Bronwyn that she's not allowed to spit in the house. On the other hand, I never have to tell the boys that they need to stop crying about not wearing a dress today.

:: Tomorrow Gabriel has his first morning of Friday Program. I'm a little overwhelmed by the idea of not having him here for a whole morning each week (he does so much to help me these days!). I'm even more overwhelmed by how much I'm already missing "those days" as a mom. You know... when the little ones are all right here and I am their entire world. Gabriel will be going off on his own a bit, making friends and learning things apart from me. I've been excited for him as we've looked ahead to this, but today I'm just sad for me. And I guess I didn't anticipate dealing with these sorts of feelings for, like, another 10 years or something.

:: Jackson not only looks like a Sinclair with his bright red hair, droopy eyes and white eyelashes, and peaches n' cream complexion, but he does a number of things that remind me of my dad. Like the way he eats. So slow! The rest of us will have long emptied our plates, and still Jackson is quietly eating while we look on. He definitely didn't get that from Daniel or I.

:: Bronwyn keeps getting taller and taller. Somebody make her stop before I cry.

:: Gabriel still says Calithornia instead of California. Bronwyn still says lellow instead of yellow. Jackson still says biaper instead of diaper. The only time Aubrey talks is in the middle of the night when she stands in her crib and cries, "Mama! Mama! Mama!" And, yes, I think it's all incredibly cute.

life is a beautiful thing

Procrastination

We've had some really beautiful fall days. I think this autumn is the kind of autumn that we remember for years. The trees are unbelievable. The leaves crunch underground as you walk down the sidewalk. The sky is either blue or gray, but never rainy. The air is crisp while the sun is warm.

Perfect.

You'd think with such lovely fall weather that I'd be fully inspired for fall. I guess I've been pretty tired because I can't seem to muster myself up for much beyond the necessities: laundry, cooking, cleaning, schooling, training. Add to that regular strolls through the town with the kids and the necessary errands that seem to come up all the time, and I'm DONE. No pumpkin bread here. Not even an apple crisp. No raking of leaves, no cutting down of gardens for the winter.

Next week, I tell myself when I think of all the things I should be doing.

This week Gabriel starts Friday Program. He is mostly excited, if a little apprehensive. I can't believe this is starting. Is it OK if I kind of wish it wasn't? Can't we just go back to the toddler years? Forget about science fairs and choir performances and uniforms and textbooks? He's growing up and I think I'm just not ready. Not today anyway.

Next week, maybe.

I keep having to make decisions about our project. On the one hand, this is exactly my dream come true. I don't want ugly faux wood laminate countertops any more! I am so excited for tons more cupboard space and a family room. But, really, I have to pick out new stuff? And while I'm excited about the visions I have in my mind for the new space, I am also pretty overwhelmed at the idea of having to put it all together. I mean, seriously, can't general contractors make the curtains, too???

The dishwasher and microwave have to be purchased. We plan on waiting to get the new refrigerator and range next spring. There are more important things to take care of at present, like the heating system in our house. Which reminds me, we have to figure out when we're going to tackle some of that.

Next week.

It's a miracle!

The past two nights, Aubrey has only woken up twice, and both times she fell asleep much faster than the previous nights!

I've been using the two ingredients I was able to get for Dr. Newman's APNO and have been seeing marked improvement already! It's kind of making me wonder if what I'm dealing with at this point isn't thrush, but the results of treating thrush, namely dryness that leads to cracking and itching and rash, etc. Hmmm...

I am feeling very encouraged. Especially by how quickly the Lord came to my aid once I finally slowed down long enough to remember to ask Him. Silly that I didn't talk to Him about these struggles sooner.

Seven years

It's been seven years since the fall day when I became a wife.

At nineteen years old, I was naive and undoubtedly had many unrealistic expectations of what my future held.

One thing I wasn't just being naive about was that Daniel loved me and that God had brought us together.

What a wonderful gift he is to me!

Growing pains

Aubrey still isn't sleeping well. Last night she woke up 4 times before waking at 6:00 for the day. Her one bottom molar is almost all the way through, but the second is just barely breaking the surface. Co-sleeping isn't working at present because if she's in bed with me she nurses almost non-stop the whole night, which means I don't sleep at all because of thrush-induced pain.

The thrush situation has been frustrating. I have a wonderful doctor who will let me try most anything I can think of, but, unfortunately, not everyone is quite as receptive to my suggestions as she. After getting the list of ingredients and an emailed prescription for Dr. Newman's ointment, my doctor sent me off to the pharmacy, where I was promptly refused two of the four ingredients. Unfortunately, my home remedies, low-sugar diet, and probiotics aren't keeping up with this infection, which is now at the cracking and bleeding point [*wince*]. I have 10 days worth of Diflucan sitting in a cupboard, but I cringe at the thought of taking it.

You would, too, if you knew that one of the side effects could lead to serious cardiac arrhythmias. Yeah, just what Aubrey needs...

I'm tired. I'm in pain. If the infection itself wasn't enough, Aubrey has been nursing around the clock because of teething. She's also been struggling with some constipation for the past 3 weeks so I'm hesitant to offer her much in the way of food beyond breastmilk.

And so, yes, my attitude has been poor these past few days. If I'm not stressed, I'm hopeless. If I'm not despairing, I'm jealous [of all the moms out there who never face so many breastfeeding challenges]. If I'm not wallowing in self-pity, I'm panicking about all the What-Ifs.

In the end, as I cried all the way home from the pharmacy the other day and as I wake for what feels like the millionth time in the night, I realize that I've been settling. Yes, I forget to bring these "small" issues to the Lord in prayer, feeling that somehow I must deal with them with my own finite resources instead of bringing them to the One who is control of all. But, mostly, I've been settling in my attitude. I've been forgetting that peace isn't a circumstance or a feeling or an environment. Peace is knowing Jesus. Peace is my eternity being settled. Peace passes understanding and situations.

These growing pains are hurting right now, but I'm grateful for them all the same. I cling to the knowledge that He is working the filth of sin out of me, little by little. I want to be like Him more than I want things to be easy.

So far this week...

... I've picked out and purchased all the paint for the new kitchen/family room. Fun and yet oh so stressful! In 3-4 weeks I'll get to see if I love, hate, or am just-okay-with my color choices.

... we added to our household! Laura is her name and she is in her mid-twenties. She has blonde hair and laughs a lot and is already a comfortable part of our home. (It helps that she spent a week here at the end of August when she was considering moving up more permanently.) We don't know how long she'll be here (probably at least the rest of the semester, after that, who knows???), but I'll take whatever we get. She's a blast.

... Aubrey slept two nights in a row only waking once to nurse. It was amazing. Unfortunately, last night she was back to her former ways of waking 5-6x between the hours of 10pm and 7am. Ugh. I mean, I'm not asking for 1x/night wake-ups or anything-- 2-3x/night sounds just about perfect-- but I wouldn't mind a little more shut-eye either. I'm just saying.

... the kids have spent lots of time outdoors. They are "exploring" in the trees on the edges of our yard. I think it's incredibly cute that they are so small and this world is still so big and amazing to them. I hope they never outgrow being enamored by all there is to see and experience in God's creation.

... we've eaten tomatoes, green peppers, and summer squash from our garden. Such days are numbered, unfortunately, so I am trying to enjoy every little bit as much as I possibly can.

... the leaves have really started to turn and I must say that it's beautiful enough to make up for the descending cold and the impending loss of our fresh vegetables. I love autumn in the north country. Truth be told, I'm not sure I would love autumn as much as I do if I hadn't grown up here. There's just something about this place in the fall. It takes your breath away.

... I've been encouraged and renewed in the Lord's goodness. Last week was a sad and heavy week for me for a number of reasons. In the midst of sadness, He reminds me that while it's true that this place, this earth, isn't my real home, His joy is still my strength. I'm thankful.