PICU thoughts

The lights in our corner are off and the curtains encircle us in an effort for privacy. I curl up in the recliner and hold my baby tight as I try to fall asleep. 

But sleep is difficult to come by. 

The constant beeping of monitors rouses me each time I finally drift off, particularly when the beeping comes from the monitor directly above my head. There is the relentless sound of nearby tracheas and the wheezing of a little boy’s cries as medicine upon medicine is administered. Nurses hurry about and a doctor tells a set of parents that things are looking grim for their son.

I hold Aubrey close and nurse her again. Her coughing and unsettledness mean she wants to be with me around the clock. I don’t mind. Tonight especially I want to feel her warm breaths and her tight grasp around my finger.

It is a surreal world here in the pediatric intensive care unit. Even harder and more spiritually oppressive than the neonatal intensive care unit. I don’t like being here.

Why, God?

The question surfaces before I can quiet it with comfort from the Word. All I can think is that I don’t want this. I don’t like it. I don’t like being in an ICU on New Year’s Day. I don’t like being familiar with cardiologists and nurses and hospitals. It's hard to appreciate the compliments I receive about my knowledge of Aubrey’s heart and condition. I don’t want to know.

Yet in the very turmoil of my heart, in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and sorrowful and angry and confused, He is with me. He doesn’t wait until I pull myself together. He responds to my fears and meets me in my sadness.

The words of a Psalm, increasingly familiar and written on my heart, come to mind. I urge my reluctant tongue to speak them aloud and the whispered truth washes strength and hope and promise over me again:

The righteous cry, and the Lord hears And delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones, Not one of them is broken.

We are not alone. Aubrey is held in the palm of a great and might Hand. And once again, He is bringing health to her body right before my eyes.

This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him And saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them.
O taste and see that the Lord is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!

Prayer

Today we found out that Aubrey is in mild heart failure. This is most likely due to her body struggling to regulate itself after coming off one of her medications. The next couple days we need to see her improve or else we will most likely be making a trip to Syracuse to see the cardiologists, who are for now giving medical directions via the phone to our local doctor.

Aubrey is still oxygenating her body fairly well (her oxygen saturation level was around 90% today, which is the lowest its been but not terrible) and she has good color. The problem is indicated by labored breathing, extremely poor eating, no weight gain (she was 9lbs11oz today), and fitful sleeping: her heart is simply having to work a little too hard.

Right now, the plan is to increase her dosage of Lasix to 0.5ml two times a day instead of just one. If she improves over the next day or two, we will wait and see our doctor again on Thursday for a follow-up weight check, blood draw, and exam.

Please pray for our sweet, sweet girl's heart to stabilize and do the job it needs to do. Please pray for wisdom for Daniel and I as we watch over her, and for the doctors as they plan her care. Please pray for new strength to replace the weariness and sadness I am feeling.

Please keep praying for Aubrey's miracle.

Christmas Review (In Pictures)

**Warning: highly photo-intensive entry**

We had Christmas. With all the laughter and excitement and cookies and lounging about that it entails.

Some pictures of our festivities:

A couple nights ago, Jameson opened a gift of matching "Cousin Pajamas." I wasn't there since I was feeling rather poorly that evening, but Daniel took pictures for me. Unfortunately, the whole thing ended up being more torturous for Jameson than anything else!




I think he was very happy to be rescued from Gabriel's grasp!


On Christmas Eve, we tried to get some pictures before heading over to the Candlelight Service (which was absolutely beautiful and special).


How canned is Bronwyn's grin?


Not much better...


Oh wait! Let's add 2 more people, because then it's sure to turn out gggreat!!


Later that night, Daniel worked on assembling the kitchen set I purchased on eb@y last spring. While he did that, I stuffed stockings, made the blueberry buckle for Christmas morning breakfast, set the breakfast table, and got into pjs. "Some assembly required," was rather an understatement. But it was worth it.







Christmas morning dawned not-so-early for this household. A late night before meant our kids slept until 7am. I must say, though, that it didn't take long after waking to get the stockings emptied and begin enjoying the spoils.


Aubrey with her very first stocking


Jackson test driving his new motorcycle


Bronwyn's favorite stocking gift was the new outfit for baby Hannah


I think Daniel is excited in response to the candy canes Bronwyn is showing him. I don't actually think he's that stoked about new dress socks.


Gabriel with his stocking loot.


The opening of stockings was followed by breakfast together. From there, I have no pictures of the day. It's hard to keep a camera going when you have four kids. At least that's my excuse this year.

Maybe I was just too too busy enjoying myself!

It's Almost Christmas!

The pecan pies (my meager contribution to Christmas dinner) are cooling.

I made a double batch of peanut butter blossoms the other night, along with a triple batch of rum logs that are waiting to be decorated. I'm halfway through making a triple batch of pecan tassies.

The last ribbon was tied on a gift a few minutes ago. I enjoy wrapping gifts, but this year it's been more of a chore than usual because I've had such a hard time finding time to do the job.

I still need to get all the clothes ironed and ready for tonight's Candlelight Service, but since I caught up on all the laundry this morning, I shouldn't be frantically washing that pair of little girl's tights at the last minute.   The blueberry buckle for tomorrow morning's breakfast will get put together this afternoon, I hope. I always try to set our Christmas morning breakfast table the day before, though I'm usually doing it after I stuff the stockings post-bedtime because I habitually run out of time earlier.

The kids keep looking at the presents under the tree and have most of their gifts memorized. They are so excited and it makes me even more excited.

In addition to all the normal joy of this day each year, I am feeling blessed on behalf of some good friends who received very encouraging news today. The Lord hears our prayers and answers them. What a tremendously loving God we serve.

One Baby, born in a manger, changing lives and bringing hope day after day. His presence, then and now and yet to come, is worth celebrating!

Briefly...

I am too tired to write much, but I simply have to share what a tremendous report we received about Aubrey today:

-- She weighs 9lbs13oz, which is still on the low end of normal, but making for a very consistent growth curve. Dr. Byrum was very pleased!

-- Her daily dosage of Digoxin that she's been on since birth will be discontinued as of tomorrow!

-- Dr. Byrum is so impressed with her color, stability, growth, and overall health that he said he doesn't feel he needs to see us again until March!

-- Her excellent condition means the doctors are content to wait before doing things like a heart catheterization or any other more invasive procedures!

-- Talk of surgery has been once again pushed off into "the future." And we are granted more time to pray and watch for a miracle for Aubrey!

Daniel and I are so happy, to say the least. God is faithful.


[Regarding mastitis, I saw my doctor on our way home this evening and confirmed that I definitely have a pretty bad case of it. Unfortunately, because of the amount of cracking I've had due to thrush, it's highly unlikely that it isn't a serious bacterial infection. So now I am confronted with whether or not to take an antibiotic, which will almost inevitably cause a relapse with thrush but is basically necessary at this point. (I have had progressively worse chills, fever, flu-like symptoms, inflammation, etc. since last night.) Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place... ]

Aubrey

We're headed out the door for an 11am appointment with Aubrey's pediatric cardiologists. Please pray for a miraculous report!

Also, on top of the thrush (which is slowly but steadily improving thanks to the medication we had to resort to), I am without a doubt flirting with my first case of mastitis. I have several burning blocked ducts that are refusing to be massaged out, along with a low-grade fever. So maybe while you pray for Aubrey, you could also pray for me.

Thanks.

Just Two?

Gabriel and Bronwyn are at a sleepover-- at Nana's house. Dinner, a movie, and sleeping by the Christmas tree were the plans for the evening.

Daniel and I aren't sure what to do with ourselves.

Mealtime was so simple. I held a fist-waving baby in my lap. Jackson happily ate his chicken curry on millet (have I ever mentioned how much I appreciate what good eaters my kids are?) while Daniel and I talked. It was a much quieter and quicker meal than we are now accustomed to.

Getting the kids ready for bed took less than half the time it takes when all four are home. I know we're technically missing the more independent ones, but we're also missing the distractions they provide for one another and for Jackson. And with one parent able to focus completely on one child, the job was done almost as soon as we began.

The house is silent and it's only 7:33pm.

And I miss them like crazy!

Overdue Entry

Sunday's Snow Day launched me fully into a holiday mood. It was the second time in my life church was canceled, which for this grown-up homeschooler is as much of a Snow Day as I've ever gotten! Sitting around the family room at Mom and Dad's, singing all sorts of Advent and Christmas hymns, and then spending the whole day together was a great way to initiate the celebrations.

Then I baked quite a bit yesterday. Trays and trays of rum logs and Mexican wedding cakes and chocolate dipped butter cookies were produced and sent to Mom's for a party tomorrow night. It was very holiday-ish and fun, though I think I may be "baked out" now. Especially since I just look longingly at the yummy treats and can't savor even a bite.

I finally started wrapping presents yesterday. It has never taken me this long to begin doing so before! When Uncle Merrick was showing Gabriel the presents under his tree that were marked with his name, I realized with a pang how significant the slowly-growing mound of gifts was to me as a girl; and I felt very sad that my own children haven't seen a single present to look forward to! I wrapped one of the two gifts for each child from Daniel and I, the presents we purchased with a gift card sent from Daniel's grandparents in Texas, and then I even started wrapping gifts for other relatives. I haven't had time to look for pretty ribbon or little decorations for the presents this year, but the children seem just as pleased with the bright packages-- even if I did just use red yarn to tie them up.

This morning I did a very un-holiday-ish thing and went to see a dentist. I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't done so since before getting married-- first because we didn't have insurance that covered such things and then because I felt too busy with other sorts of medical appointments. Fortunately for me, the scolding I received wasn't too severe, and I assume this is because I have yet to get my first cavity.

I must confess that even as I bustle about, making pots of hot chocolate for my delightful kiddos and lighting candles and listening to the best Christmas CD ever, there remains an underlying sadness in my heart. This season, when I have a hard time moving beyond what isn't right-- things like a beautiful baby born with congenital heart disease and a 31-year-old woman left a widow-- I am asking the Lord to teach me in a deeper way what His peace on earth is all about.

And I know He will.

Silent night, holy night,

Son of God, love's pure light

Radiant beams from thy holy face,

With the dawn of redeeming grace,

Jesus, Lord, at thy birth.

Jesus, Lord, at thy birth.

3 Months

Yesterday I was a little preoccupied and I completely missed my baby girl's big 3 Month milestone. We are in the midst of the worst battle with thrush I have ever had-- and I've had a few, to say the least-- and it is causing me to spend a lot of time re-thinking my overall health and nutrition. Daniel warns me not to have a knee-jerk reaction to this, but it's hard not to when this battle feels all-too familiar and increasingly overwhelming. At the very least, I am cutting out a lot of things that are definitely not good for promoting good bacteria instead of yeast (good-bye bread and pasta and pretty much all things carb-elicious) and am adding probiotics and protein and veggies in their place-- at least until I feel a bit more confident that I've restored some better balance to my body.

But that's not what I wanted to write about.

For now, I'm focusing on the joys of Aubrey Colette.

:: Sunday afternoon through Tuesday morning, Aubrey slept. She woke only to eat during that time. It was her first real growth spurt to speak of and I am fully convinced that she woke up at least an inch longer. Overnight-- literally-- her 0-3 month clothing went from being plenty roomy to being a smidgen too short. And when the home health care nurse was here on Wednesday, she measured Aubrey at about 23". Wow!

:: Aubrey also weighed in at almost 10lbs on Wednesday (the infant scale these home health care nurses use is as old as the hills and doesn't have ounces on it, but we know she was a bit closer to 10lbs than to 9.75lbs!). She is growing-- and growing well! (She's averaged almost 6oz/week in the past 3 weeks.)

:: She is settling into a very nice routine without any help from me-- goodness, my own routine is lacking!-- beginning her night at about 7pm and ending it every morning at 8am (with feedings in-between). She's like an alarm clock about starting her day at 8am. She always smiles the most at this time, until I administer her medicines, at which point she contorts her face as if to say she is rather displeased with me.

:: During the day, Aubrey has become quite a fan of the Moby Wrap. She takes her best nap in there while I wash dishes, brush hair, start dinner, address Christmas cards, make beds, and more. It really is a wonderful way for me to get much-needed work done while still getting to cuddle my baby. (I am hoping to write more of a "review" on the wrap some time soon.)

:: Gabriel, Bronwyn and Jackson are more and more in love with her everyday. It's almost getting ridiculous, honestly. I can't put her down without worrying about Jack's face ending up inches from hers within seconds and Bronwyn is often reminding me that she's "not coughin' any more, Mama," which is my cue to let her hold Aubrey for a few minutes on her lap. Gabriel is the most extreme, with his kisses and hugs and ridiculously high voice when he talks to Aubrey, not to mention his claims that Aubrey is the cutest baby in the whole world... along with his frequently expressed wishes that she would stay small forever.

:: Her coloring is still very fair. People often declare that she looks like Jackson. I think she's a bit of a blend between Gabriel and Jackson. Her hair is minimal, but after having one redhead and when I look at what she's got, I feel fairly certain that we will be adding a second shade of red to the family in due time.

:: Aubrey loves to "talk." Loves it. Like, really really really loves it. Making her happy is often as simple as helping her sit on my lap facing me and letting her Coo away. It's breathtakingly adorable and I really ought to get a video of it to share with you all.

:: Next Thursday we make the little trek to see Aubrey's cardiologist. She will get an echocardiogram done at that time to see what changes may have taken place in her heart since she left the NICU. The cardiologist has also mentioned trying to formulate a better plan for surgery once they (all four cardiologists, along with the pediatric cardiology surgeon here) can review the echo. I am praying for an excellent report and good changes. I'm also praying that the more extreme surgical options (like restructuring her heart to be a 3-chamber heart instead of 4 chambers like you and I) will no longer be the likely course of action.

Jackson "reading" to Aubrey

Thrush

Bleeding, cracking, tear-inducing thrush.

I am frustrated.

Ugh.

A Simple Busy

I have been busy.

Busy at home, that is. These days (or should I write months?), you probably won't find me most anywhere else-- though I did manage to venture out to W@l-M@rt yesterday for a few hours.

We've been baking Christmas cookies and, miraculously, have yet to fall behind the consumption rate. (Maybe it's because I'm not eating them??? )

Inspired by this, I've been firming up some basic disciplines. I'm not terrible in the housekeeping department, but I am definitely weak when it comes to diligence in routines and processes that lead to peace and joy in the home. For example, I have been more purposeful of late regarding my morning routine-- what several things I want to do every morning in the same order-- and it is helping me wake up feeling less overwhelmed by the multitude of things that seem to all scream for my attention the minute my feet hit the floor.

I've also been scrambling to recover addresses lost inside my computer that won't turn on (I'm using Daniel's computer right now). And while I know my excuse for Christmas cards sitting on my counter for over a week kind of sounds like, "The dog ate my homework," it really is true! The good news is that I'm making progress-- tonight I finished addressing all but one-- and they will soon be in the mail.

Another small project is putting together a bit of a chore chart for my two biggest kids. The great success with their morning chores has proven that they are very capable of instant and cheerful obedience (wait-- is that redundant?!) when they know in advance that the jobs are required. I enjoy planning and plotting ways to make the jobs simple and enjoyable and fruitful for them, though I can't really believe I'm the one making the charts and not following them.

The other day we picked up a whole bunch of catalogs and booklets about kitchen stuff to help me with my planning. It sent my head spinning and made my "To Do" list about 100 things longer. There is so much to think about that I kind of want to quit before we've even begun.

We're all enjoying the Christmas season. Gabriel sings Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas 24/7. Bronwyn quotes A Charlie Brown Christmas all the time, especially during mealtime. Jackson has added "Trist'as Tree" to his rather limited vocabulary. Daniel checks iTunes regularly to see if the free Christmas download is any good. I light candles every evening. We're reading through the Gospel accounts of Jesus' birth as a family.

Busy.

But in a simple and wonderful and homey and family and holiday-ish way. Which is the best sort of busy in my book!

Thank You

This might be the easiest nice thing you can do for someone this Christmas. It costs no money, requires little thought, and only takes minute or two.

ht: RB

Tagged

I've been tagged!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Both. But I try to avoid using bags for the kids because it’s more fun to watch
them tear at the paper. And my Christmas paper has to
coordinate. Just ‘cause I’m like that.

2. Real tree or artificial? Real.
But I must confess that I’m no longer scoffing quite so much at the thought of
an artificial one after having so many troubles getting our tree securely
standing this year.

3. When do you put up the tree?
Early December.

4. When do you take the tree down? A day or 2 after New Year's.

5. Do you like eggnog? Only
good homemade eggnog-- the store bought stuff is too thick.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
That’s a tough one. My first memorable gift is the play kitchen set Danica,
Carina and I received when we were very little. I also really liked my dollhouse.

7. Do you have a Nativity scene? Two
in the dining room and one in the living room, plus a small wooden one in the
family room.

8. Hardest person to buy for? Aubrey.
What does a 3-month-old want anyway?!

9. Easiest person to buy for? Bronwyn.
She gets excited about new socks.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
I remember thinking it was weird when my grandparents gave me underwear when I was
about 13 or 14.

11. Mail or e-mail Christmas cards?
Mail. This year I was very on the ball and had them ordered so that they
arrived here about a week ago. Unfortunately, my computer stopped working
around the same time and my spreadsheet with all my addresses has been lost—only
temporarily, I hope—so they’re still not in the mail.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? White
Christmas

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
December 26^th!

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Not that I can think of.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Christmas dinner has almost always been different, it seems. But the apple
custard pie is a constant, so I guess I’ll go with that!

16 Clear lights or colored on the tree?
Clear big bulbs.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Hark!
The Herald Angels Sing

18 Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Home. We decided 2 years ago that Gabriel was getting old enough to start
making consistent memories of waking in his own bed and opening his stocking in
the same place year after year.

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?
I think I can, but I’ve never been good at tests, so don’t try me.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
A star. But I’d like an angel if I can find one that’s not cutesie or feminine.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
Both! The kids started drawing each other’s names 2 years ago and they give
each other their gifts Christmas Eve. The rest of the presents come the next
day.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of
year? P&C never having holiday colored sprinkles on their
shelves.

23. Favorite Christmas tradition?
The Candlelight Service on Christmas Eve followed by rum logs, the sibling gift
exchange, and the reading of the Christmas story.

24. Up early or sleeping in? We’re
always up early!

25. Who hands out the gifts? Daniel.

26. Does Santa wrap your gifts?
I haven’t started that yet, but my mom does occasionally have a gift or two
that’s from Santa under her tree for some of the kids!

27. Do you tell the Christmas story?
Yes.

28. Do you leave cookies for Santa?
Daniel never leaves any cookies on the plate.

Mercy & Grace

I had a Bad Mama morning. I lost it with my kids. I was frustrated and angry and completely run down by them-- and, let me tell you, the climax wasn't pretty.

The terrible thing is that whenever I reach my breaking point, it's because I've been trying to take child-training shortcuts. Today I was reminded again that shortcuts just don't work. (Yes, Brietta, the cookies don't need to pulled from the oven more than Jackson's attitude needs to be nipped in the bud.)

But even more, I was reminded of how glad I am for mercy and grace.

I'm so deeply thankful for mercy that covers my blow-ups, bad attitudes, harsh words, and poor parenting. Christ's blood erases from the record books my wrongs.

But as if that's not enough, there is also grace to overcome, to walk away from the sin and wrong choices, and to change!

Last Sunday morning I was reminded through the sermon that the Christmas Story is incomplete without first recognizing our desperate need for a Savior who would clothe Himself with humanity and rescue us from our sin and depravity. And today the reminder is very near and offering a much-needed encouragement to a heart that would tend towards discouragement and hopelessness: this is why Jesus came. He didn't come for those who are well but for those who are sick, for the broken and needy. He came for a mom who yelled at her daughter, who has been shortsighted in her priorities, and who has held wrongs against her children instead of lavishing mercy as many times as is needed in any given hour.

He came to wipe away a bad morning and to offer strength to not repeat the error this afternoon.

This is what Christmas is. This is who Jesus is: mercy & grace.

Funky Day Turned Lovely Night

It was just one of those days.

Some of my children were very, very tired all day. And their attitudes were less than stellar as a result. And my patience wore atrociously thin.

However.

Daniel returned home safely from a day at work-- I hope I never take such things for granted. We have shared a lovely dinner, stories from our days, and the training of children.

And then Mom stopped in. She brought a basket full of things-- much more than just the muffins she'd told me earlier she would be bringing.

When I emptied the basket just now, I found all sorts of goodies that made me smile and feel happy inside. I hope I'm like my mom when I grow up because she is simply one of best people I know.

Daniel cleaned up from dinner, including vacuuming. (I know, he's the greatest.)

We are all tucked inside our home that is warm and beautiful. The children are in bed. My daily To Do list has 7 out of 10 things crossed off it, which is altogether remarkable for me these days. My cupboards are full, including such frivolities as dairy-free chocolate and baked goodies for my sweeties.

It is indeed a lovely, lovely night.

A picture of the gifts from Mom:

holiday napkins, a "stocking" spoon rest, a little wooden basket with earrings inside it, crystallized ginger, and a little jar of red cinnamon candies-- all tucked in there along with the pumpkin muffins that will undoubtedly make a yummy breakfast for us in the morning

Decking the Halls

I never did post pictures of our trimmed tree Monday night like I'd planned.

That's because our tree wasn't up and trimmed Monday night like planned. But that's OK. It's up now.


From Monday's Tree-Getting:

Jackson with Aunt Liana and Nana (Well, I think that's Nana in Papa's coat...)


"We found it!"


Gabriel was too busy playing to take much notice of the tree



Fast-forward 24 hours to decorating:


Daddy affixes the star on top


"It has to be perfect."


"It's kind of prickly, huh Mama?"


Gabriel points out his favorite ornament in his growing collection


The tree is in our dining room again this year (it's too big to go any of the other places I had considered-- but that's a whole 'nother story of its own!), which works well since the dining room is the central room in our house. And it is wonderful to eat our dinner by its light.

Oh, I do love a beautiful Christmas tree!

Growing

Today was a Big Deal Weigh-In for Aubrey because it's been over 3 weeks since she was last plopped on our local doctor's scale. Last time we were there, she weighed 8lbs7oz.

This morning as I left the house to bring Aubrey to the appointment, I told Daniel that I was counting on her being up to at least 9lbs3oz, as that would mean she's continued gaining a minimum of 4oz/week.

Screaming, writhing and naked she laid on the scale and I felt my heart skip a very very happy beat when the nurse announced in an exceptionally pleased tone of voice, "I think we can get it to nine pounds, five ounces!"

The doctor was so happy. Really happy. In fact, she called the cardiologist right then just to tell him how wonderfully Aubrey's doing.

We're all pretty pleased with our littlest lady. She is growing and doing well.

Quiet

All 3 kids marched out the door in Daddy's footsteps, looking rather life stuffed sausages in their fat snow pants, heavy jackets, and too-big boots. It's only 27* right now (!), so this mama put extra socks on every foot and the hoods went over their hats.

I was supposed to be heading in my own direction this morning for a routine check-up for Miss Aubrey, but a woman going into labor and needing the doctor means a canceled appointment, and so I am home with just one babe in my care-- and she's sleeping. The only noise in the house is the hum of the dishwasher (we were given a very gently used portable dishwasher last week!) and the typing of these computer keys.

Amazing.

In an hour or so, a daddy and kids will return home hungry and proud of whatever tree it is they found to cut down and bring back to me. I will have cups of hot chocolate and PB&J sandwiches a giant puff oven pancake waiting; the table will be made special with some $-store Christmas napkins. After lunch and naps, we will decorate the tree before Daniel heads out for some evening work commitments.

But for now?

For now I savor the quiet. And because I savor the quiet, I will more fully savor the joyful chaos of a returning houseful!

Advent Celebrations

First we decorated cookies...

  


then we ate...



then the kids opened their new pajamas...



and then they opened their new books.
   


Don't you love our stockings on the stair railing? I do.
(It keeps getting cuter the more stockings we add, don't you think?!)

11 Weeks Old

Our Girl
    


The Progression of Tears
    

Advent

This year I wanted to make a big deal of December 1st. I'm not sure if we'll continue this as a tradition or if it is simply something I need to do this time.

Yesterday I planned a favorite dinner and baked the first batch of Christmas cookies in preparation. This evening we will share a table lit by red and green and white candles. We will read the first of our Advent Calendar books. After the meal, I have gifts planned for the children: new holiday pajamas and two new books for the holiday season.

This night will be for my children the firstfruits of what is to come in 25 days when there will be a bigger meal, more candles, and lots of gifts.

And it will be for me a tangible reminder that what we have is only a taste of what's to come. After all, for believers, this traditional Advent season represents far more than a simple countdown to Christmas Day. We celebrate that He came and we celebrate that He's coming again.

I don't know when His second coming will be. I can't count down the same way I can count down to Christmas because I don't know if it will be 25 days or 25 years or 250 years. But I know He's coming. And I know that the celebration then will make the firstfruits we are experiencing pale in comparison.

For now, we see dimly. For now, we wrestle through tragedies, sickness, sorrows, and frailties. But then... then we will know Him fully. Our joy will be complete.

This Advent, I am counting down in a new way and with a deeper groaning; with a renewed and heightened anticipation; and with a gladder heart. If what He has given me now is simply the firstfuits, I can only imagine what that Day will be like!