Fear & Love

I have a deathly fear of labor. If you've given birth before, you probably understand. For me, when I think about labor, I start to shake, my heart rate literally increases, and I want to cry. (You think I'm kidding, but my heart is throbbing even as I write this.)

The night in January -- you know, the night after I got the call from my doctor's office saying that the earlier blood test confirmed that, yes indeed, I was pregnant -- I didn't sleep much. Instead, I spent most of those 8 hours with my face buried in the pillow, hoping in a strange, delusional sort of way that it would keep me from hysterical tears and vomiting. It wasn't that I regretted, even for a second, a new life being added to our family. I was simply overwhelmed with wanting to run away from the impending event of labor while knowing that I cannot escape my own body. (This isn't rocket science, I know, but please have grace for my irrational thoughts and feelings.)

What can I say? I'm selfish. I don't like pain. I definitely don't like labor. I don't suppose I will ever really enjoy it. And I must confess harboring a secret hope through each pregnancy that Genesis 3:16 simply won't be true this time around.

The circumstances surrounding Jackson's birth knocked the stuffing out of me in many ways. His was my third labor and delivery. It was supposed to be better than before and go more smoothly than before. And it didn't. Not only was it far worse than L&D #2, it may have been worse than L&D #1. (My boys definitely rival one another for the Traumatize-My-Mom record.)

I won't re-live it all again -- most of you know the story anyway -- except to say that Jackson's birth was long (I'm not actually sure that word does justice, but I'll leave that to my readers to decide) and stressful. I was exhausted by the time I reached transition and, in case you didn't know, exhausted women don't handle body-racking contractions very well, especially when transition lasts upwards of 4 hours.

All that to say I am very clearly hearing the voice of the Lord on this issue of fear in the past few days. I am being reminded in a fresh way that He has redeemed me -- all of me -- so that as true as Genesis 3:16 is, so also is 1 Timothy 2:15. (And even if I'm still not sure what exactly 1 Timothy 2:15 means, the bottom line is that it's good news for me.)

You see, I've tried dealing with the fear and horror of labor a handful of different ways over the past several years. At times, I've resorted to deluding myself ("It's fun, Brietta!"). At other times, I've told myself that it's just part of life and that I need to "buck up" and get over it. At still other times, I've done prenatal exercises and stretched tirelessly with the hope that physical fitness will be my key to victory. And the thing I do most of the time? Well, I try to think about something else.

I don't know why I haven't looked at the bringing forth of new life as the spiritual event that it truly is. Maybe because it all seems so physical. I also don't know why, in the times when I am choked with tears because of the fear that grips me, I don't apply perfect love. Maybe because I have simply accepted the fear and the pain as part of an irreversible curse (you can scratch your head with me on that thought-process!). And I really don't know why I have already settled that delivering children will always be hard for me, instead of asking the Lord to deliver me. Maybe because I haven't yet truly understood that He pities me and remembers my frame.

Whatever the reasons, I have felt the gentle and comforting hand of the Lord upon me in the last week. I have felt the Holy Spirit's urging to pray, to ask, to believe, and to trust as I haven't in the past. I have felt a rebuke for, in my great arrogance and pride, assuming that He hasn't noted and doesn't plan on noting my struggles in this area. And I have felt a stirring to lean on Him, not because methods, ideas, and techniques are evil, but because they are simply that: methods, ideas, and techniques.

After all, in the end, I am His and it is He who holds me in the palm of His hands. It is He who redeems my life from destruction. It is He who walks with me through every circumstance of my days.

And it is He who is trustworthy.

Isaiah 40:1-2, 10-11, 27-31
"Comfort, yes, comfort My people!" Says your God. "Speak comfort to Jerusalem, and cry out to her, That her warfare is ended, That her iniquity is pardoned; For she has received from the Lord's hand Double for all her sins." ... Behold, the Lord God shall come with a strong hand, And His arm shall rule for Him; Behold, His reward is with Him, and His work before Him. He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm, And carry them in His bosom, And gently lead those who are with young ... Why do you say, O Jacob, And speak, O Israel: "My way is hidden from the Lord, And my just claim is passed over by my God"? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.