2006

I made a new resolution last year: I will not make a New Year's resolution other than to let God... let Grace... let the Potter mold this clay. My heart was feeling disappointed and disillusioned with--and discouraged by--the curvy paths of life, the sorrow that is inevitable, my awful sin impulses, the exhaustion that a glimpse at the future too easily produces.

Last year on this day I was two short weeks away from delivering Jackson. I was scared, and not just because labor pangs are real.

Following Bronwyn's birth 17 months earlier, I had gone through the darkest time of my life to date. The enemy had had it in for me, and he'd had it in for me good. His weapons of choice were non-original yet ever-potent lies, post-partum hormones, and a long spiritual drought.

As I approached the birth of our 3rd child, I was scared. Afraid of what the months ahead might hold. Beginning to accept that I would lose it, go insane, make poor choices, believe the enemy. On New Year's Eve 2005, as I held that little slip of lavendar paper in my trembling hand, I knew that I surely would fail.

But for the grace of God.

And as that truth sunk deep into my heart and mind, I knew peace. I wrote my requests on that paper and I knew peace. When I was in the long throes of labor and panic about the future was gripping my heart, I clung to the peace I knew was mine. When those feelings of worthlessness swept in like a flood, I fought with peace. When mistakes were made and sins committed, He gave me peace.

There aren't many times I've even felt something close to an audible word from the Lord. Last year was one of those times. Three little words that changed my year, strengthened me, and set me free: I'll do it.

And He did.

By the grace of God.