With each new year comes a new beginning, and I love new beginnings. But somehow the ambition and the freshness of 2008 has yet to pull me from this present slump of exhaustion I find myself in. Instead of making goals and dreaming dreams like I usually do when the clean canvas of a new calendar before me begs great and wonderful plans, the last couple days have simply found me sighing lots.
I'm not even sure what about.
Maybe the problem is that I didn't get to the annual New Year's celebration at church last week. If you're like me, you know how much missing a tradition like that can really make a holiday lose its significance.
Or maybe it's that midnight on January 1st found me being woken by a nurse after an hour or two of fitful sleeping so that Aubrey could be weighed and her vitals could be taken. No ball dropping or people cheering and laughing, just lots and lots of beeping.
Maybe it's simply that this week has been a little crazy and I'm more than a little tired. (I think I slept less Sunday through Wednesday than I did when I was in labor with Gabriel.)
Whatever the reason, after Daniel left yesterday morning and the kids were playing [kind of] nicely and Aubrey was nursing, I sighed the biggest sigh of all and wondered if I could somehow get my new year back again. I mean, I know it's only January 6th, but I already feel like I've blown my chance at that fresh start thing.
I love the Psalms when I am soul-weary. It's good for me to recall that I am not the only one in history who has struggled with despair and loneliness and unanswered questions. David, the man after God's own heart, wondered at times, too. He didn't always understand either. But he always came back to trust. He would remind himself of God's faithfulness and of His fulfilled promises.
And he would hope again, with a Hope that does not disappoint.
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him For the help of His presence.
Psalm 42:5
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him For the help of His presence.
Psalm 42:5
Funny you should mention David. Eric and I just watched the 1985 version of King David last night and had lots of great discussion afterward. The good news I want to encourage you with- six days into the new year is definitely not too late for that 'fresh start thing'. These may be days may be for burning, tired eyes, Dr.'s appointments, and each day just running into the next. But, as you continue to trust in the Lord and carry out His will for your family, and as you labor with His strength through this trial, asking for continued strength for the task and not a lesser task, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH STRONGER AND WISER. I haven't had a baby with a heart defect, so I would never claim to know where you are. But, especially in the month of January each year I think back lots on my own trial I went through. I wish I had gone more to the Psalms. I hung on desperately to the truth I knew and to encouraging words from friends, brothers, and sisters. I can promise that one day you will look back on these days and think, "Woah. I thought it would always be that way. And look where He has brought me." I watch you go through these times with faith in Him and my faith is strengthened. That is His perfect plan. You have our prayers. We will continue to pray for God's will to be done concerning Aubrey's miracle. Everyday remind your older children (ha!) about what a miracle she already is. One for their very own! How precious. But, instead of going on and on telling you things you already know, I will end with one last thing...
ReplyDeleteYou can do it. He made you perfect for this job and you are doing great. The perfect wife for Daniel, the perfect mom to your little ones, the perfect daughter and daughter-in- law and friend and so on, you hang in there! Do you need permission to steal that five minute power nap or nab that early bed time? I hereby give it to you. Be wise as you prioritize. Don't feel let down if you the same ambition and freshness you felt two years ago this day, for it is quite a new day. Let your energy go to just trusting and following Him. That's it!
AMEN to everything Lisa just said!!
ReplyDelete... and about having people over... I decided awhile back that I didn't want to look back on the years when my kids were little and realize that I never had company for all the wrong reasons. So even if my house isn't perfect, and dinner isn't exactly gourmet, the memories 5 years from now will not be of all that anyway; they will be of the time we all spent together having fun! So go ahead and just do it-- it's not as bad as you might think. :) You'll get over having to have it all perfect and just enjoy the time you spend with people you enjoy. It's totally worth it!
ReplyDeleteI have only commented on your site a couple times and I know you have no idea who I am. However, I feel led to tell you that your family is a blessing to so many....even those you don't know. I also want you to know that little Aubrey - so little and so delicate and precious is a huge miracle! I can tell by looking at her that God is all over her - and that didn't happen by mistake. I know you know all this because your faith is so strong....but sometimes it is encouraging to hear from a complete stranger that it is noticeable. I really feel God has special plans for little Aubrey - and in His time we will all know what they are.
ReplyDelete2008 may be a lot different then 2007 - but it is still a new year and a new year that God has planned. Oh, and that Lisa Criscitello - she's so smart....isn't she! I am praying for Aubrey and your family as well. I can't even begin to imagine what you go through every day and I won't even pretend like I do.....but I do know that with God....you guys are amazing!
I definitely don't think it's too late for a "fresh start"...I hope not, anyway, since I have yet to reevaluate anything in this new year...and you certainly have good reasons for being a few days behind. I wanted to also agree with the above comment by aagans...every time I pray for Aubrey, my spirit swells with a confidence that God's hand is working powerfully in her body and in her life...don't lose hope!!! And on an entirely different topic, Nathanael usually goes #2 in his diaper about a half dozen times per day, if not more, which is why his not going for more than half a day resulted in such a messy diaper. Even when he goes frequently, though, he has a tendency to leak...I think there's just always a lot of force, even if the volume isn't great . But, I know Bethany rarely leaked and Caedmon leaked a lot....maybe it's a boy vs. girl thing? Anyway, I know that was weighing on your mind ;).
ReplyDeleteRemember that letting out a sigh is a good thing! Did you ever take childbirth classes? After laboring through each contraction you're supposed to take a long deep cleansing breath and let it all out. Renewing your body with fresh oxygen and energy that you need to continue laboring on. Right now you're in a different phase of mothering than you have ever experienced. There are times with Aubrey that feel smoother, and then the time where you labor through the hard nights, hospital visits, and the upset of normal life - remember you need to let out that sigh. You need to take that long deep cleansing breath, letting out your stress and tensions, relaxing away those fears, so that you can truly lean on Him whole-heartedly instead of trying to carry that stress and worry yourself.Go ahead and sigh - sigh a couple of times!!
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