Blessed

She tucks her hands to her chest, snuggled close to me. For the time being, she is content: fed and sleepy and secure.

I am reminded of the blessing I am experiencing.

My baby Aubrey is home. She is pink and smiles and wiggles. She is solely nursing, no supplements or special formulas and not even a bottle in over a month.

These are things that I was not sure of not so long ago. And this moment-- this reminder-- can't help but cause tearful gratitude.

God is good. So very, very, very good.

The Family Update

:: After one day of the most violent throwing up of my life, I am feeling better. It was as if my body just had to totally eliminate everything inside of it and now I'm fine. Better than fine, actually, because I [again] have the fresh appreciation of being healthy. Ahhh...

:: Aubrey saw our family doctor today for a check-up. She now weighs 10lbs15oz, giving us a 10oz increase in the last 2 weeks-- which is the biggest of her life to date! (She's still 24" long and her head circumference is still 15".) I think I've officially adjusted to having a baby who barely reaches the 5%-tile for weight and who is rather far below the charts for weight-to-length percentile, because she actually seems chunky and chubby to me now. I realize that many of you have experienced this phenomenon before, but seeing as how my other babies were 17.5lbs, 16.5lbs and 15lbs at 4 months, I'm surprised at how accustomed I've become to Aubrey's smaller growth-curve.

:: In addition to great growth (which we celebrate immensely because failure to grow consistently is an immediate cause for intervention) Aubrey really seems to be doing well overall. She's been a bit crabby the last few days, but when crabbiness combines with massive drooling and "chewing" when she's supposed to be nursing, I begin thinking that she's teething and not in heart failure! Her medications were adjusted a couple weeks ago and that always makes for some unpleasant days with the re-assimilating her body has to do, but the worst of that transition is behind us and I feel it's safe to say that this adjustment will not land us in the ICU again.

:: Last night I was able to slip out of the house sans children (OK... so "slip" makes it sound effortless when, really, the entire day seemed to have been spent in preparation for such a major event!) for a CFA Mom's Meeting. Debbie Gordon shared what might have been the most refreshing and rejuvenating message I have heard regarding homeschooling. I was especially glad for the reminder that the Bible prioritizes faith and virtue before knowledge. In a culture that has so elevated academia, science and education, it is easy to lose sight of the fact that faith in Jesus and good character are exceedingly more critical to our children's preparation for life than knowledge. Not to say that knowledge isn't important (the Bible does indeed say to add that next!), but what a good reminder to keep first things first.

:: I made an amazingly wonderful pot of soup yesterday using all sorts of odds and ends that were in my kitchen. While I enjoy cooking with recipes best, I am finding that my enjoyment of cooking creatively is increasing a lot recently. I wonder if this is symptomatic of my decreasing need of late to know what the end will look like and my growing ability to be more content just taking things as they come.

:: We have red and pink and white here and there throughout the house in anticipation of the holiday around the corner. Last week when I was grocery shopping, I saw a small ceramic heart-shaped dish for $1 that I purchased to use as a spoon rest on my stove. I'm not sure how a $1-item can make me so happy each time I use it, but this one does. I think it's because I consider spoon rests to be such unnecessary but wholly delightful kitchen accessories and now I have one for both Christmas and Valentine's Day!

:: This concludes my update. I think I got a little more random and a little less "update-ish" the more I continued. My apologies.

Blech

That's all I can say about the way I feel today. It seems I will not remain unscathed by whatever it is Gabriel and Daniel were sick with.

Today

Gabriel is already talking about the days when it will again be warm enough to blow up the orange kiddie pool. This isn't simply because he's an avid lover of summer-- at the end of a day on the beach, he would similarly recall snow-laden yards and all the winter fun that he looked forward to-- but because he's impatient for what's next, ever sure that the upcoming season is better than whatever he's got right now.

I'm the same way, really. And not just with weather and seasons. With all of life.

I look ahead, counting the days until such-and-such fun thing will happen. I anticipate certain events and hope for certain outcomes as though my happiness depends only on those things.

Foolish, really.

Today is another normal workday around here (except that Daniel intentionally left his laptop behind when he walked out the door this morning, which is fun for me). I've got my short list of chores that seem dull and repetitious. I mean, I just gave the children a bath and already I've got to give them another one. The laundry just was caught up, and now I've several loads to wash and dry and fold and put away again.

It's too easy to already look ahead to tomorrow, though I've barely scratched the surface of today.

I don't want to be impatient any longer. I don't want to keep looking to upcoming days and events and happenings as though they will somehow make my life special. I want to grasp this moment, consider it and treasure it and live it with all my heart.

Alive

I know three days is a long time for me to go without posting to this here blog, so I thought I should say that I'm alive and well. I'm not even sick. (Daniel was throwing up yesterday, but not I.)

I've been busy at home. There was a lot of work to do to catch up from being sick last week. I've learned a lot in the last few months about making manageable lists of things to do and slowly and steadily tackling the heaps of work I've to do instead of trying to do it all in one day, which almost always ends with only half the list accomplished and me crying along with my kids who inevitably feel trampled and ignored when I do that. It's required working hard and consistently the last four days, but the laundry is caught up, all the bedsheets have been washed (twice, but that's an unpleasant story) and the beds re-made, the bathrooms cleaned right down to the drawer that holds the toothbrushes, the ironing mountain is gone, the kitchen and bathroom floors have been mopped, I've vacuumed and dusted and even made cookies. I couldn't do it all in one day-- unless I'd shipped the kids out or something-- but little by little, we've pulled ahead where we were previously behind and I've still had time to read stories to the kids, help build train tracks, and set up the dollhouse. It feels good.

The other reason I haven't written much is because my laptop died a few weeks ago and it's getting harder and harder to find inspiration to write during the times when Daniel's laptop is home. Last night, I went to bed with a book at 8:30pm because I was exhausted. I could have written something, but I read and slept instead. A girl's got to have her priorities and as therapeutic as writing is for me, it wasn't the thing to do last night.

So that's all. Just me, doing a lot of homemaking and not very much writing.

These are a few...

...of my favorite things:

1. my new coffee maker


2. steaming bowls of soup


3. Financial Peace University


4. blowing kisses


5. lit candles on cold, dark nights


6. buying diapers on sale

(This is in case you haven't had enough randomness from me lately...)

Queen of My Castle

After saying good-bye to Daniel, I began to tackle my day. I interjected moments of nursing the baby, reading aloud, and reading for myself (a re-read of a favorite) in-between switching loads of laundry, loading and running the dishwasher, doing hair and changing diapers.

Now, more than four hours later, my morning tasks are complete. In addition, our dining table is set, awaiting the King of our Castle's return home from morning worship. A pot of warm potato soup simmers on the stove and a tray of buttermilk biscuits are ready to be popped in the oven at the sound of the car in the driveway.

I am not huddled under blankets in my bed, willing sips of water down my swollen and inflamed throat. I am not contagious, either (though whether or not other exposed members of the family are is something only time will tell). I am not croaking when I talk and my eyes are not blurry when I type.

Today, I am Queen of my castle again.

And it feels good.

Tagged

I've been tagged! For a while, actually. And now the problem is that most people have been tagged and I've got to come up with 7 more who haven't. That may be the challenge!

Anyway. On to random facts about myself, hopefully that are little known:

1. When I was about 9 years old I had a love affair with the name Julie. And I was crushed that my mom named me something that always made people ask, "And how do you spell that?"
(I'm over it now, for the record-- which you probably guessed since I named my own daughter Bronwyn.)

2. My favorite food smell is curry anything. Yum.

3. I was born without bottom wisdom teeth.

4. I had a passport and only used it once before it expired 5 years ago.

5. My reluctance in switching to all-natural cleaning products stems from the fact that I actually like the way toxic household cleaners smell. A whif of Mr. Clean = ahhhh.

6. I cried yesterday morning when I realized Gabriel was going to his very last WIC appointment. And not because we'll be getting less milk (which will actually be a blessing), but because it means he's almost five whole years old.

7. I'm terrible at shopping for clothes for myself. I cringe at the prices, can't figure out what I like, get overwhelmed by the options, and then quit before I really start. For someone who likes to shop for pretty much everything else (kids' clothes, household anything, gifts, etc.), this strikes me as odd.

*****

Here are the rules for the game:
*Link to the person that tagged you
*Post the rules on your blog.
*Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
*Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
*Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.

I am tagging (and I apologize if you've already been tagged) Michelle, Greta, Abby, Kathy, Nancy, Jennie, and Emily

In This Moment

If there's one thing the year 2007 taught me, it's that opportunities to worry and wallow in pity abound.

And there are lots of chances to ask God, Why?

One day a few weeks after returning home with Aubrey, I had a meltdown in my kitchen after dinner. It didn't make sense to have a meltdown right then because we'd had a lovely dinner as a family, the house was lit up with candles, three children were snuggled in the family room with pajamas on and watching a movie, and Daniel was talking with me as I washed dishes. But even in that "perfect" moment-- the kind I only imagined as a young girl-- something was very imperfect, for in the other room lay a sleeping baby whose heart is wrong.

I just never knew life would be this hard... this sad... this worrisome... this full of heartache and fear and sorrow, I wept. And Daniel didn't tell me that it wasn't hard or sad or worrisome, because right then it was and it had been for quite some time. But he reminded me that Somebody did know that it would be hard, even when I didn't. That's why He told us-- in advance-- that He had overcome the world.

The truth is that for as many chances as there are to ask God why, there are even more chances to fall at His feet in gratitude, because His mercy and grace truly has broken through the muck and mire and filled our lives with goodness.

In 2007 I had lots of opportunities to practice 1 Thessalonians 5:18; to learn the will of God for me afresh. In everything, it says, give thanks. In the precious, laughter-filled, blessed-beyond-measure moments. In the lonely, discouraged, frightened moments. And in the everything in-between or beyond moments.

Again today I looked more closely for the abounding reasons to rejoice and to marvel at the blessing in my life. Truly, the goodness I experience is so much more than an in spite of sickness and possible heart failure and the first signs of thrush. My life is so rich with His mercy that the troubles I face actually fade away the minute I look to Him, the Cross, and eternity.

Today, I am thankful for a great home. Do you know that I love my house? Probably, because I really do and I say it all the time. It's true the kitchen isn't very big and there aren't any gardens yet and the toilets run and occasional mice run up and down inside our bedroom wall (yes, right behind where our heads lay, as a matter of fact), but even if none of those things ever change, I love this house. I love that it represents a God who is faithful to His word to us.

I'm thankful for cheesy four-year-old jokes and light saber fights and drawings that can't be numbered. I'm thankful for the temporarily missing but now restored laughter of a little girl with big blue eyes and an even bigger grin. I'm thankful for how excited a toddler can get over sandwiches and apples. I'm thankful for baby toes and baby smiles.

I'm thankful for the safe and warm childhood I had. I'm thankful for the same for my own children.

I'm thankful for relatives who don't really care that the Christmas thank-you cards I made last week still haven't been filled out and put in the mail. I'm thankful for a sister who tells me all the time that she's praying for Aubrey and for a dad who asks me how I'm doing like he really wants to know every time I talk to him-- even if he's really calling for Daniel.

The most amazing thing about giving thanks is that once started, I don't ever want to stop. My heart gets fuller and fuller with each realization of how good God is to me. And suddenly my life is changed. The premonition of a sleepless night, the fret that was creeping into my mind and thoughts, the doubts about decisions made, and the situations that are so easily overwhelming all take on a much more manageable tone.

My God is big. And He is good. And though I live in a fallen world, and though sin and the brokenness of sin is all around me, trying to taunt me and scare me and trap me, Jesus has overcome the world. Not only will His love prevail, it is prevailing. In everything. In this moment.

And so we are able to give thanks in everything.

Sick... Again

Bronwyn and I have strep throat. She has it worse than me, probably because she's been sick since Sunday evening and I've only been sick since Tuesday night. The poor girl's tonsils are "kissing," as the nursing student said today at the doctor's office. She hasn't eaten in two days, though fortunately she sips at her cup of milk throughout the day.

Me? I'm struggling to force down cups of herbal tea and bowls of chicken broth-- keeping my milk supply up is enough of a motivating force for that, but not much else.

I have a strong distaste for the seeming overuse of antibiotics in our culture (to our overall detriment). Add to that how prone my babies and I are to thrush, and you have one girl who cringes at the thought of taking some myself. When I had mastitis in December, it was the first time I'd taken antibiotics since... well... goodness... maybe since I had an ear infection as a baby??? I consoled myself with the fact that taking antibiotics every 25 years is definitely not considered overuse.

But here I am, with a baby who has congenital heart disease, and I am finding myself living the "exception to the rule" that I have so strongly clung to. Concessions have been made to the fact that we are no longer the average American family with healthy children who have healthy constitutions. I've had to re-work my personal approaches to vaccinations, medications, frequency of dr.s appointments, and more, based on the fact that I have a little girl who can. not. get. sick.

More frustrating than taking antiobiotics, though, is simply how much time my family has spent "under the weather" in the past year. I feel as though I lived most of 2007 watching Daniel struggle to juggle children, house, and ministry while I was stuck on the bed or the couch; I don't particularly relish the thought of doing this any more-- for a long time.

And so I am praying that the Lord would heal us and put an end to health issues.

Jackson

Can it be? For real? My baby boy is already two???

*sigh*

He is. For real. Today.

I love Jackson. So much. He has taught me lots, snuggled even more, made me laugh, and opened my heart in so many new ways in these past two years. When the Bible says that children are a blessing, it's true. Sometimes they're a blessing that puts a squeeze on my flesh and makes me wince over revealed self-occupation in me, but that, too, is a blessing.


Jackson:

:: loves trains and action figures and light sabers, all due to admiring a particular older sibling. He mimics most everything his big brother does and even tries to repeat what Gabriel says-- though he usually ends up settling for the last word or two in the sentence.

:: doesn't say much at all, other than what he's repeating. He's always been quieter than the others and the trend continues. However, not talking or making much noise does not mean that the boy can't communicate. He has a language all his own that's spelled f-o-r-c-e. Ask Bronwyn about the little brother who can take her out.

:: is tough, tough, tough. He doesn't get hurt easily and rarely cries about physical injury. His favorite games are football, wrestling, and "sword"-fighting.

:: has the strangest (and most delightful, in my opinion) eating preferences of any toddler I know. He doesn't like Thanksgiving dinner (yes! my genes have prevailed!) but will inhale a dinner of refried black beans on rice. Leaves the ham, takes the tuna curry. Prefers yellow peppers over baby carrots. It's all so unusual! Of course, he does enjoy a good hot dog, which seems to be a favorite of all my children.

:: stays on his "big boy bunk bed" (how's that for a tongue-twister?) pretty well-- much better than *ahem* other children of mine. He's been out of the crib since October (20 months old) and has only fallen out of bed once.

:: has the best smile in the world. No kidding. I love to make him smile just so I can see it. It's the kind of smile that makes you ache a bit because it's so wonderful.

Happy Birthday to my big little boy!

Doing Well

Aubrey got another great report at her appointment today with the cardiologist.

She weighs 10lbs5oz (5%-tile) and is 24" long (25%-tile), and her head circumference is 15" (5%-tile). The cardiologists don't have a special growth chart for cardiac kids, but if they did I bet she'd be just about smack-dab in the middle. Aside from her plateau in late December-- which is entirely explained by her heart failure-- she has been growing very consistently and steadily. She has gained almost 3lbs since we brought her home on October 4th.

Her EKG did show occasional dips (slowing down) in Aubrey's heart rate. This problem was seen the last day we were in the PICU, as well. Dr. Byrum feels it may be due to higher levels of Digoxin (which is the medication that regulates her heart rate) in her body than she needs, so we were sent down to the lab to get some bloodwork done. I should hear the results tomorrow.

In talking with Dr. Byrum, we were very encouraged by his expressed hope that surgery will not be for "quite some months." Aubrey's health is what dictates the time frame and she is doing very, very well.

We are tired from another day of travel, but very thankful for another good appointment and decent roads to and fro (there was very little snow... for the most part).

Travel

It's been warm and green here for a week or so now. Today, however, we're traveling to Syracuse for Aubrey's follow-up [to her PICU stay] appointment with the cardiologists and there are 2-4" of snow predicted.

Figures.

Well, I suppose if I'm believing for a new heart for Aubrey, I can believe for good travel for us today, too. Right?

Recommendations Wanted

As I look ahead toward toward this fall and the rather daunting task of homeschooling, I am wondering if any moms out there might have some thoughts regarding things I should read, curriculum I might especially want to look into, personal "musts" in homeschool prep, etc. I don't anticipate this first school year being super-intensive, but I also want to be well prepared in the event that Gabriel surprises me with how much he is ready to dive into.

Recommendations???

Passing along...

...an interesting link.

(HT Andrea)

The Baby Toy Gym

I think I've already stated that I'm not much of a baby gadget person. And I'm pretty sure this is now official since I had a baby swing in my possession that was promptly returned when it wasn't deemed worth the space it took up after a week or two. (Something that gigantic needed to transform our lives in order for me to keep it.)

However, I must confess to having purchased a baby toy gym when Gabriel was an infant. And-- truthfully?-- I would buy it again in a heartbeat if any of the pieces ever got lost. After weeks of attaching miscellanous toys to the kitchen table legs and then laying Gabriel underneath where they dangled, I figured this particular gadget might just save me the time of rigging the whole thing up, and I was right.

Beyond my own convenience, though, four babies later it still claims the title of Favorite Toy and Distraction.

It isn't altogether cute and most certainly isn't the kind of toy I love to look at. I prefer classic stuff of a different variety. You know, like wooden rocking horses and cloth baby dolls. I mean, turquoise and purple is possibly my least favorite color-combination.

But I can't argue with the pleasure my babies derive from it. And I can't complain too much about its poor aesthetic value when it literally provides hours of entertainment. When my babies are too small to sit up and play but too big to want to snuggle up with Mama all day, the baby toy gym is the ticket to contentedness.

(Now... you didn't really think I would have purchased one of those big baby toy gyms, did you?
I mean, of course I found the one that can be taken apart easily so as to take up less space!!!)

Moving Ahead

I guess it's time.

To part with red and green. To say good-bye to knit stockings and electric candles and nativities. Even my excuse of having a baby in heart failure last week has officially reached overuse.

It's a new year. Did you know that?

My kids would be more sad about the departure of Christmas except that they're already counting down to various upcoming events. Gabriel will tell you if you ask that Jackson's birthday is followed by Valentine's Day, which is followed by his birthday, which is then followed up by Easter Sunday. These are the mile markers of winter and spring because they all involve sugar and/or presents, and therein lies the goodness of life when you're three or four or five years old.

Did you catch the fact that Jackson's birthday is next week, though?

He is the one child whose growing up takes me the most by surprise. I'm not exactly sure why, but I just feel like he should be my baby boy forever and ever. Unfortunately, these things don't work out the way I would like.

As proven by the fact that I'm having to think about celebrating his 2-year-old birthday.

Crazy.

So I've officially made tomorrow's To-Do List a single goal of removing the final traces of Christmas from our home. The tree has been gone for several days and the outdoor wreaths and candles in the windows were taken down today. Now I have to package all the festive little doo-dads (a Mom-name for small decorative items if I ever heard one) and once again wrestle with our storage closet to make it all fit until next December.

The good thing is that I'm slowly feeling ready to move on. Our holiday ended abruptly and I finished it in a state of exhaustion, but that was last week. It's a new week.

Oh yeah... it's a new year.

So I'm moving ahead, one step at a time. And I actually think it might be the best way to go, instead of my typical fashion of running headlong in a million directions before realizing that half of what I'm trying to do isn't what God would have me doing. He knows how to lead me much better than I know how to lead myself, that's for sure.

10lbs!

Aubrey weighed 10lbs-even at her visit today with our local doctor! This seems like a huge milestone, especially after the past few weeks of not much growth.

She also had a follow-up chest x-ray, but I've not heard the results of that. Prayerfully, the fluid in her lungs has decreased as a result of all the coughing and expelling she's been doing the last few days.

It's been a sleepless two weeks or so around here, but I'm hoping the worst is behind us. Today, while my two bigger kids were at Lisa's house, the two youngest slept for almost 2.5 hours-- which may be the longest sleeping stretch Aubrey has had since well before she went into heart failure. Instead of cleaning the bathroom or folding laundry or re-organizing my life or even putting Christmas decorations away, I turned on a favorite movie and fell asleep. It was great!

And maybe Aubrey gained another ounce or two while she was sleeping. (I think I did anyway-- or wait, was that the soup Lisa sent home with me that did it?!)

By way of update, since several have asked, my battles with thrush and mastitis were readily dealt with and I was grateful to have it all behind me by the time we were making our trip to the PICU last week. The best part is that even though I did end up going the antibiotic route for the mastitis, I have not had a re-occurance of thrush so far, which was my big concern. I've been loading up on probiotics and-- aside from the Christmas - New Year's week-- have not eaten much in the way of flours, sugars and fruits, and I'm sure this has all helped; but mostly, I think God has been gracious.

But to get back on-subject: 10lbs!! We're happy.

A New Year & A Remembered Hope

With each new year comes a new beginning, and I love new beginnings. But somehow the ambition and the freshness of 2008 has yet to pull me from this present slump of exhaustion I find myself in. Instead of making goals and dreaming dreams like I usually do when the clean canvas of a new calendar before me begs great and wonderful plans, the last couple days have simply found me sighing lots.

I'm not even sure what about.

Maybe the problem is that I didn't get to the annual New Year's celebration at church last week. If you're like me, you know how much missing a tradition like that can really make a holiday lose its significance.

Or maybe it's that midnight on January 1st found me being woken by a nurse after an hour or two of fitful sleeping so that Aubrey could be weighed and her vitals could be taken. No ball dropping or people cheering and laughing, just lots and lots of beeping.

Maybe it's simply that this week has been a little crazy and I'm more than a little tired. (I think I slept less Sunday through Wednesday than I did when I was in labor with Gabriel.)

Whatever the reason, after Daniel left yesterday morning and the kids were playing [kind of] nicely and Aubrey was nursing, I sighed the biggest sigh of all and wondered if I could somehow get my new year back again. I mean, I know it's only January 6th, but I already feel like I've blown my chance at that fresh start thing.

I love the Psalms when I am soul-weary. It's good for me to recall that I am not the only one in history who has struggled with despair and loneliness and unanswered questions. David, the man after God's own heart, wondered at times, too. He didn't always understand either. But he always came back to trust. He would remind himself of God's faithfulness and of His fulfilled promises.

And he would hope again, with a Hope that does not disappoint.

Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him For the help of His presence.
Psalm 42:5

For President?

I've not really gotten into politics here and I really have no intention of getting into them now (there are several reasons for this, chiefest being that I just don't think I'm smart or articulate enough), but when I read this I thought it worth sharing with any who might be interested:

http://spunkyhomeschool.blogspot.com/

There's lots on there about Huckabee and homeschooling. I haven't read it all enough to know for sure what all's going on there. But I haven't read much about Huckabee on schooling and maybe you haven't either, so I thought I should pass it along.

OK. That's it.

Home Again

We are home again.

We left at 1:30am on Monday morning after waking during the night to realize that Aubrey was struggling for breath and showing more intense signs of heart failure. Our doctor met us at our local ER, where Aubrey was significantly aided by oxygen while we waited for further direction.

We were sent to Syracuse.

I had my first ambulance ride that snowy morning. I don't think I will mind if I never ride in an ambulance again.

We arrived at Upstate's pediatric intensive care unit around 8:30am Monday morning. A series of tests were run, ruling out more severe illnesses like respiratory syncytial virus and influenza. Within a few hours, Aubrey's cardiologist concluded that her heart failure was not the result of her heart worsening, but rather due to coming off Digoxin last week and/or a more common viral infection. Aubrey was immediately put back on Digoxin and we began the process of waiting to see if she would improve.

I slept in a chair next to her bed, incredibly thankful to be allowed with my baby around the clock-- if occasionally overwrought that I had to brush my teeth in a public restroom. (I have a bit of a phobia about public bathrooms.) Overall, Aubrey improved steadily and quickly. She began nursing well and is again spending good portions of her day awake and smiling.

The cardiologists were very pleased with her improvement. They are renewed in their confidence that her heart will continue doing an adequate job so long as we try to prevent complicating circumstances, like illness.

And so we are home. And grateful to be here.

And oh so grateful for Aubrey's precious life and the Lord's gracious hand upon her.

Thanks for praying.