I'm alive.
Just not feeling too good.
This has been a very frustrating couple weeks for me. Between strep throat and pregnancy-sickness, I have been very limited in what I accomplish and have vision for. It's hard to believe that a mere month ago I was waking up early, plowing through my chores, and excited about things outside the home. These days, I wake up feeling like I've been run over by a Mack truck, I do the minimum to keep the house running (if that), and I cry at the mere mention of extra-curricular activities. The occasional good day here and there just doesn't seem to make up for the rest.
Daniel tells me it's worth it-- that it's all part of the labor of love and sacrifice we make for our children.
I tell him that I don't like it.
My theology has been challenged, I will confess. I know in my head that I'm blessed. It's just that when I look at the dirty house, piles of laundry, unbathed children, and thrown-together meals, when I am lurching while making lunch for the kids, grovelling at the toilet, or huddling on the couch in fear of either of those happenings, I don't really feel blessed.
My humility has also been challenged. People are so kind to me, and I can't seem to pull myself together enough to send a thank-you note for the meal that rescued my family or the loaf of bread that was my sustenance for three days. It's hard for me to accept gifts when I know it will at least be a while before I can ever do anything in return. Silly, I know.
So it isn't just that I don't feel good. It's also that I'm learning a lot about me when things aren't going well, when I don't feel a bit pretty or accomplished, when my physical self is failing, and when I'm relegated to some helplessness.
I think it's all very good for me.
I know how you feel...and I think I have learned the most about myself during my pregnancies (and the picture usually isn't pretty). As for "returning the favors", or even writing thank-you notes, I think the people that help out must realize that if you were in a condition to be writing thank-you's, then perhaps the benefit of their generosity wouldn't have been so necessary. And I would imagine that some of those people are only returning the blessing they have received from you.
ReplyDeleteI was reading your post, nodding my head with empathy, agreeing with your flux of motivation and lapse into bewilderment of it all. My thoughts immediately returned to still-sore memories of last night's trip to Target, and the seemingly eternal damage I imposed on my poor children when I revisited Bad Mom Disease. I clicked your "comment" button and scrolled down to the blank white box. My fingers were armed and ready at the keyboard when...
ReplyDelete... I was suddenly attacked on three sides. A side for each child who approached me with empty sippie cups thrust in my face. "More juice please!? More juice?" That scratchy wave of annoyance washed over the back of my neck as the collision of two worlds scattered my well-processed thoughts into an oblivion. *I* wanted to write a comment to your post. *They* wanted to watch "The Talking Words Factory" and get a refill on their juice.
I looked past the green sippi cup and at my 2.5yo son. I could feel the scratchy emotion of annoyance rising up in my limbs and wetting my lips for a response that would say, "Wait a minute" and push the sippi cup away for a moment. But instead, another Power washed over me from another direction. Almost by impulse (definitely not by habit) I ran my fingers through Seth's hair and leaned over to plant a motherly kiss on his forehead. He hugged me in response. And together, with a trail of sisters, we relocated for a moment to the kitchen for snack refills.
What inspired me? A newspaper blurb I skimmed over (hardly call it reading) where some religious guy writes about God and the Bible every week. He mentioned something about we being stewards over what God has entrusted to us. Flashbacks flood my mind, even now, of my children. FOUR CHILDREN that God has entrusted to us! And now my vision is renewed.
Sometimes we grow tired (or ill) and close our eyes for a moment. Sometimes our spiritual eyes begin to close and we lose sight of what and why we do what we do, held up in the house all day with toddlers at our feet. Sometimes the only pick-me-up I can get for my spirit is to take a moment and ask the Lord to renew my vision again. Make it clear to me again. When I know what He wants of me, I am motivated to be all that I can be. But when I take a spiritual nap, all the more tired I become.
I didn't mean to write so much... but maybe you can stick some keywords on the inside lid of your toilet for the next time you have to hurl. Love you!
So here I am at 50+ with a passel of kids, one of whom still is unbathed most of the time (there would be more "less than spanking clean" kiddos if they weren't capable of bathing themselves!) When did I adjust to not having baths as often as I would think perfect? Who knows. Probably it's different for everyone. But at some point, we learn to let go - sometimes daily, since we seem prone to picking up the same old guilt and pride over and over again! So much for Better Homes and Gardens and Parents magazines - somehow they don't match reality.
ReplyDeleteGod uses everything to deal with us - even those early pregnancy queasies. I'm remembering what it was like and feeling badly, wanting to rescue you but knowing that I can't. But I also know it is all in His hand.
I will be praying for you. And don't worry about Friday - I sent that e-mail before reading this post! :)
I soooo hope it's twins!
ReplyDeleteBrian Doerksen has a new worship song called "When You Shepherd Me." Its lyrics say (almost directly from the 23rd Psalm), "He makes me rest beside a peaceful stream."
ReplyDeleteUsually when He MAKES me rest, it's because I wouldn't rest on my own. It's usually in the form of some sickness, and He always restores my soul through it.
This most recent time, He renewed my identity in His love. The sickness? A mere memory. The lesson? A priceless treasure.
May He overflow your cup, my friend.
i just stopped by to say thank you for your encouraging comments. also, i don't think it long. i enjoy reading what you have to say. i always learn so much. i am sorry you are not feeling well. i wish i could make it all stop for you. i am glad you have people close by to help you and make you meals. i still wish we had people bringing us meals. (kind of) and i know what you mean about not liking that labor of love and sacrifice for our children...it sure is real rough at times. those aren't the most encouraging of words to hear when we are in the thick of things, are they? i think you are an amazing woman and an incredible mom!!! i love you tons!!! big hugs to you (so long as thinking about a hug doesn't make you want to puke)
ReplyDeleteThank you...thank you for helping me get over my immediate desire for children, haha!
ReplyDeleteSo many of us moms can sympathize with this period you are going through on some level. Others on a deeper level. It doesnt help to tell you "it is a season" or "it will soon be over" or any of the other platitudes we can all say -and there are a lot. I know only one thing for sure... God is carrying you through and because of Him, you will make it. The best part is as you said, you will grow and learn through it as well. Dont be afraid to ask for help and dont feel you need to say "thank you". Just allowing others to help will show that.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and here for anything you need... (((hugs)))
Too long ago for me to really remember and truly sympathize BUT I do know it is all worth the effort. He will bring you through to a tremendous reward in the little ones! Praise His Name
ReplyDeleteI know . . . I've been there . . .
ReplyDeleteDear Lord, please reach down and hold Breitta up . . . these are the toughtest of times . . . the days and months seem like they will last forever and one is not sure they will make it . . . whisper Your love . . . shine through her darkness . . . hold her hand and cry with her . . .
Praying and crying with you today . . . Aimee (aimee.astitch.biz)
Lysol is my friend....of course Jesus is, but I wanted to give you a laugh!!! Two days ago Joy was throwing up, I had diarrhea, my head was killing me...a good friend took Alan to his math olympiad...Matthew walked to the store for ginger ale...we had a day off, now Joy has diarrhea (one all over herself(diapers don't work for this type), one in the potty, yea!) and Alan has both and was up all night, but thank God he hits the toilet!!! He's so good when he's sick...
ReplyDeleteBut this house really stinks, so I keep spraying the Lysol(actually it's a .99 knock off), washing stinky clothes and realizing what really is important. My children don't get sick this bad often, and when they do, it helps me see how stupid all my anger against them is...for me, God really uses this to keep and change my perspective and I did pray for him to straighten out my priorities! I agree with the person above about the 23rd Psalm, last week God wanted me to look at that again with new eyes...he will make you to rest if you're not doing it! It's a good thing, and just worry about pleasing Him, not the rest of the world or what you think a good mom would do...you're already a great mom! And Daniel really loves you. Follow His lead instead of striving, His burden is light that way....Love you!!!!!!!!!
Hey Brietta! Congrats to you and Daniel and fam. Praying for you! If you could use any help with anything while Rick, Nicole, and Alex visit; just ask! I know Nicole and Alex would be pleased to spend time playing with the kids or helping with house stuff. Sorry that the other half of us will miss this visit. Tell everyone hello!
ReplyDeleteI feel absolutely guilty for having only thrown up a handful of times during all of my pregnancies combined. I'm just not a puker (which I'm thankful for), but it means that I really can't empathize with you to the point that I wish that I could. I CAN however empathize with the run over and left by the side of the road feeling! Anyway... we really miss you guys! Is everyone healthy yet? Jocelyn has been asking to play with her cousins and we would love to have some together time! Let me know if there is a time that might be a blessing to you (not another burden!) or if there is a time that it would work well for Daniel to bring all or some of the kiddos into Potsdam with him and drop them off here during some of his meetings. I would love to see them! (they also keep my kids occupied- it can be easier in some strange way!)
ReplyDeleteI'm only going to say one thing. Well, OK- write one thing. Listen to Abby! She is so right on. When my friend Heather was in need of a nap I went to her house to kidnap her older two kiddos (no, I seriously had to use force to get these guys). She was not willing to let me help- so I overstepped my bounds and just forced my way. Well, I don't know how her day went but I'll tell you this- I primed AND painted our mudroom. By adding a one year old and another three year old to my own mix of kids, I was free to do a project that I had been trying desperately to do for weeks (well, OK- months). It was such a blessing. So, I'm not sure what you got out of that. I was just in the mood to tell a story.
ReplyDeletepraying for you today
ReplyDelete