*This is a Private Post so as to not offend anyone who might not breastfeed. While most all my friends either breastfeed or understand my preference, I don't know exactly who makes up my "readers" and I don't want to unduely upset anyone.*

I am committed to breastfeeding. The health benefits alone are enough to convince me it's worth every minute, not to mention the whole "design" thing that would indicate the Master's plan.

That said, there are times when I wish I wasn't quite so "attached" to my baby. There are moments in the middle of the night when I desperately wish someone else--anybody else!--could do the job my baby is crying for me to do. There are also times when I would really, really, really like to do something--like see "Always, Patsy Cline"--that having a breastfeeding baby interferes with.

Last night, I was losing it. Jackson has gone back to waking every 2
hours (promptly) during the night to nurse. He's been at this for about
a week now, after being down to 2-3 feedings a night for quite some
time. Most of the wake-ups I can deal with. But it's really hard for me
to handle the first one; the one that comes when I am in the deepest
sleep cycle. Oh boy. If you want to catch me demonstrating the fruits
of the flesh, join me at 1am.

Gabriel had "his way" to nurse, that's for sure. Now that he's older and I see his personality, I realize why nursing sessions took 45+ minutes and could not be altered or interrupted without major ramifications. He likes things certain ways. As much as I thought he was addicted to nursing, he really was just addicted to "his way." His particular preferences were good for me, as I was at a time in my life when I needed routine and to be needed.

Bronwyn was extremely efficient when it came to nursing. She didn't really have a specific time preference on how long she should nurse and how far apart the nursing sessions should be. Really, as long as she got her 5-10 minutes when she was hungry (be it 2 or 5 hours between nursings), she was fine. She was also my only baby thus far who has gladly taken a bottle with expressed milk. Once again, she didn't care how the food came, provided it came. I found breastfeeding to be simple and straight-forward with her, which was a tremendous blessing since I had been skeptical of its "convenience" after how tedious Gabriel had been.

Jackson loves to nurse in a way neither of my other children loved it. When I lay him down in my arms to feed him, his arms and legs start moving in frantic anticipation. He smiles for me in a way he smiles for nobody else. He loves me, and I know this is largely attached to his love for nursing. When I am frustrated with the fact that he rarely falls asleep any way other than nursing, or because he won't take a bottle with expressed milk for anyone any time, or because it is his absolute favorite thing to do and he thinks he should do it more often than I think he should, all I have to do is get one glimpse of that smile. He may have spent the previous hour screaming in his bed, but the minute he sights me, the cries stop and his entire face lights up. I must confess that I love this.

And I love that I have been able to "see" my children's personalities through the breastfeeding process.

The great thing about God's plan is that for every sacrifice, there is
a reward. Some rewards for some sacrifices will not be known and
experienced until eternity. Let me just say that I am so glad that the
rewards of breastfeeding are to be had right now! They are different
each time, but they are good, nonetheless.

Sure, breastfeeding kind of weirded me out before I did it. To be brutally honest, there have been plenty of times since Gabriel was first born when I have wondered at the whole thing. Sometimes it's an "awe" kind of wonder; sometimes it's just plain wonder! But the blessings have definitely outweighed the discomforts (this coming from a mom who has battled thrush countless--literally countless--numbers of time).

Gabriel's weaning came too quickly. I decided to start reducing the number of times he nursed when he was around 11 months old. This was also when I first began introducing solid food--other than handfuls of Cheerios and juice, which I began giving him when he was around 9 months old. In 3 days he, of his own accord, went from nursing 6-8 times every 24 hours to not nursing at all. This first-time mom had expected the process to take a long time, and part of me felt extremely devestated that it had been so abrupt--and not just because there were physical discomforts. He no longer needed me in the same way he had needed me, and I missed that.

Bronwyn's was also a quick weaning. About 1 month after I found out I was pregnant with Jack, I realized how much fussier and discontent she had become. As she was solely breastfeeding and seemed hungry even immediately after nursing, I began to wonder if my body wasn't producing enough to keep up with demands of pregnancy and nursing. I introduced food and--surprise, surprise--she wanted less and less to do with nursing. Within a month, I was the one initiating nursing in the morning. Once again, I was losing that special connection, and I really didn't want to.

So, while I have my frustrations with Jackson's incredible love of nursing, I also harbor the no-longer-secret hope that this will mean he won't be bored with it as quickly as my other two children were. And I just look for that smile--that round, toothless grin--in the night hours when I'm wishing I could ignore the design of my body, the health benefits of breastfeeding, and the convenience of not mixing and heating bottles so I could tell Daniel, "Your turn."

Yup--I'm committed. And definitely for selfish reasons as much as any other reason!

(And at least I've learned how to type while nursing, dress toddlers while nursing, try shoes on Bronwyn in Wal-Mart while nursing, etc. I'm no longer completely tied down!)