Self-doubt so easily creeps in. One comment, one thought: that's all it takes for me find myself lying awake night after night in a row, staring at the fan, my mind full of the questions that so easily beset me.
I remember the moment I finally gave in about further education after highschool. I knew God wanted me to spend every ounce of remaining singleness (at the time, indefinite; in retrospect, very brief) serving the family and the church that had invested so much in me over the years, but I couldn't deny the haunting thought that this was His plan for me because I simply wasn't good enough, talented enough, or smart enough for anything else. I wanted to get that bachelor's degree because I wanted to prove to myself that I could, but--let's face it--God isn't into us proving ourselves.
The battles with self-doubt and a deep desire to prove to myself and to the world that I really am good, talented and smart have diminished in frequency over the past six years, but it would be a lie to say I never find myself in this familiar struggle. Did God send a husband and children so quickly because this was the only thing He could do with me? Making these peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, walking these infants, vacuuming these carpets, reading these elementary stories... is this all I'm good at?
I am blessed to be in a church culture that values stay-at-home-moms. Whenever there is an insinuation that getting married and having kids is second-rate or a waste of talent and gifting, it is always accidental and not truly meant. I know that.
I also know that God values me. He values what I do and how I spend my days. He doesn't see me as being left-behind and not good enough for anything else, and He doesn't think that what I do is insignificant, or even that it doesn't require hard work, intelligence, ingenuity and--yes--talent.
The culture at large thinks that being pregnant, having babies and staying home is cool. Right now, it's a fad. People like Oprah give lots of kudos to stay-at-home moms, and maternity stores can be found in every mall. (OK, every mall except the one in Massena, but that's just 'cause it doesn't have any stores.) But let's be honest: Oprah would never be a stay-at-home mom because she thinks she's just too valuable for such a thing. It might be "in" to be a mom, but there's still the underlying current of it being "less."
I fall prey to this as much as anyone. Thus the self-doubt.
I look at highschool girls and I wonder if they're hoping to heaven that they get to do something more important in their lifetime. I wonder if my peers feel badly for me that I'm home most every morning, afternoon and evening. I wonder if people older than me are the only ones who think that my life is valuable--or if even they, too, think I've missed it.
And then I wonder, If they're wondering this, is it because I'm wondering this?
Here I am, supposedly embracing what He has called me to and yet diminishing His call as much as anyone "out there" might be. I want others to value my investments, but I don't. I under-estimate the importance of being Daniel's wife and my children's mom, and then I can't figure out why I'm not better at it.
Most of all, I forget, as much as (if not more than) anyone "out there" that He said, "...whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave--just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."
Make me Your servant, Lord. Make me Your slave. Let me do Your bidding--no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to me. Help me to be like Jesus, coming to serve and not to be served. Let the minutes of my life be about what You want, and not about my worth or fruitfulness or value. Forgive me for wanting my calling and my days to be like another's. Teach me what it is to truly yield me--all of me--to my Father.
*Edit* I finished writing and began to read some other blogs. I always begin at the beginning--with Mom's. Immediately I was reminded of how much more dying I have to do, and of how much grace He gives for the dying.
So I thought I was the only one who had to have the children's books put away "just so". Glad to know that you're a mental person, too. Kidding aside, though, I'm thankful that you're honest. I'm thankful that you are part of a body that values wives and mothers. I'm thankful that you and I have a similar lot in life so we can sharpen, encourage, and challenge each other. Thanks, too, for teaming with me to pray for my friend. She was here all last week and the best I can say is- continue to pray for her. For strength for the task. She has agreed to do it God's way and is also starting to 'see' many things she had been very 'blind' to in the past. So you see, He honors your prayers. He honors mine. And we don't even have college degrees! :~)
ReplyDeleteI've often wondered similiar things. I've asked myself "is this it? clean house, take care of husband, go to church?... what about big things Lord, big glories for You, history maker kind of things?" I often wonder if this small house in this small town is really where I should we right now. (Don't get me wrong... being R.Jay's wife is a wonderful gift that I refuse to ever take for granted - i just wish for us to be doing the "fabulous". make sense?)
ReplyDeleteI think you're absolutely fantastic and I couldn't be more honored to be your friend. Thanks for even more encouragement. :)
The secret code was that you found the secret code....I had just found that font myself....Didn't know who else knew about it...So you are the winner!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou're a winner anyway. With the world's attack on family and marriage getting stronger and stronger, just know that's why you get those feelings and doubts. It's just a big fat lie. Think of Noah, when they were the ONLY righteous ones in the world, how they must have stood out from the rest, and seemed odd. So we just laugh in the devils face, HAA!, when he tries those lies out on us, to make us doubt and think a "degree" will make us so much more important.
I loved your prayer at the end, I prayed it too, thanks.
"Let the minutes of my life be about what You want, and not about my worth or fruitfulness or value."
I forget to ask Him what He wants me to do, until I get so busy trying to do good stuff on my own and not seeking Him first, that's what I have to practice right now. And He says my first job is to MY family, which I so often forget.
Miss you!
I recently was asking myself and God these same questions, and I realized that we live in a society that is facing repercussions that divorce, absentee-parenting, lack of moral foundation, and a host of other family-related problems have wrought. Many people, I think, just simply don't believe that a loving, supportive, serving family structure can exist. We are surrounded by people who think marriage is almost obsolete, that women have to have equal authority (but find out in the end it isn't all it was cracked up to be), and that love is nothing more than a feeling. So, while there may be other professions that require more intelligence or skill, I don't think there are very many (if any) that are so desperately needed in our society as a Christian stay-at-home mom/wife, to show that God's design is indeed the best and that Christianity does offer a hope and truth that can't be found anywhere else.
ReplyDeleteWe have the honor of teaching our daughters a different way of thinking!
ReplyDeleteJosh & I are the only of my grandmother's grandchildren who do not have a college degree. For years I lived feeling 'less' than my family. At home, I would bring up me finishing my degree or Josh getting his, and he would simply ask, "Why?" I never could come up with a non-self related or unselfish response. Finally I accepted that just because our culture says we should (even many in the church preach this), does not mean Christ would have spend huge amounts of time and money pursuing something outside His will for us. Is that not just poor stewardship or even disobedience?
My prayer is to be able to live so contentedly (there's the hard part...) within my calling that my daughter will always want to be a wife and mother! Thanks for writing so honestly - you always bless me with your transparency!!
... is this all I'm good at?
ReplyDeleteYeah, I only wish I was good at being a mom. My sentence sounds more like, "Is this the only thing I'm not good at?" (besides math, LOL) Seriously though, I was always good at a lot of things, and enjoyed being good at things. Then God gave me Sonny and the children and I always had the confidence that I would probably be good at that, too. And you know what? Motherhood and Wifedom, in my opinion, are the highest callings any woman can have on their life, and I wholeheartedly desire it,... and yet it as also become the biggest disappointment in my life. For it is the most important thing I could be doing, and one of the few things that I STINK at. And now I'm locked in to this "career", with all it's limitless years and impending poor outcomes (because of me) with little to no hope that I'll ever really improve.
Now, don't go reading my blog today (June 21) because there is absolutely NOTHING encouraging to be found!
Love ya' Brietta.