Christmas thoughts

I'm taking a brief respite while feeding the baby, and so I ramble.

The past several days have been very busy as I try to reclaim our house (sheetrock dust is a formidable foe), decorate for Christmas, finish my Christmas shopping (which couldn't be done until I'd relocated and sorted the things I purchased before we tore our house apart), and help the family participate in Christmas Week activities. There have been a few Freak Out moments, I confess, but I think I am learning how to take it as it comes, seeing as how I haven't cried once about the fact that I don't yet have a single Christmas cookie in the cookie tins.

Despite the busyness, this year I am acutely aware of the fact that my life is in far less upheaval than what many people around the world and before me are experiencing and have experienced. I suppose it is only obvious that I think especially of years ago when Mary-- a young girl in many ways, very pregnant, perhaps a social outcast, alone in her journey except for her betrothed (and possibly still somewhat unfamiliar) husband-- had her life turned upside-down.

How many moments were there when she had to purposely quiet her soul and stay her tears? I think there must have been at least a few, because she was only human. I think her tears might have sometimes even overflowed despite her best efforts, because even when there is a keen sense of the hand of God, things can still be trying and hard and we don't always lean into Him and His grace the way we ought to.

Here I am, snug in a beautifully renovated home. I have a new washer & dryer, a new furnace, reclaimed floors. I am surrounded by candles and lovely decorations and so many things that represent the generosity of so many wonderful people. My husband is really priceless. Really. My children are safe and sweet and full of love and forgiveness. The upheaval of my life is not truly upheaval at all.

I am a rich, rich girl.

But I am freshly desiring to offer myself to Him. When He comes to me and brings a message of destiny and calling, I pray that my response would be like Mary's so many years ago: "May it be done to me according to your word." I don't want to try to calculate the cost or wonder how to preserve myself. I want to lose my life in His grace and purposes.

house photos

the whole great room doesn't fit in one snapshot, but here's some



the wall that awaits paneling



widened doorway from the dining room, minus trim which will be custom-made



LOVE the size and color of the planks!



the staircase is vastly improved by the solid paint color, in my opinion



bedroom view #1



bedroom view #2

Home for the holidays

As I write, our house is completely finished and is simply at a stand-still while the last coat of linseed oil finishes drying. We will be home before we know it.

It looks amazing and I feel so blessed! So many have given so much time and have been so gracious, what with loaning tools, giving advice, lending a hand, taking on aspects of the project, housing us, being understanding when we're not completely on top of things, etc. Most of all, though, I have to say how much this past month has made me freshly appreciate Daniel. He has worked so so so SO hard. Multi-tasking is far from his favorite thing, but it has not been uncommon to see him with a tool in hand and the phone in the other as he juggles regular work with the house project. Not to mention the late nights, the long hours, the skipped meals while he just pushes through... He does it and he does it gladly. What a blessing.

I still don't have pictures, but they will come soon. Tonight Daniel is planning on moving some of the bigger things (piano, bed, dining table, etc) out of the kitchen/family room and I should actually be able to find our belongings again, hopefully including the camera.

It's funny how this project just kind of spiraled from one morning taking a look at the floors from the basement view to the present: rooms are rearranged, beams are reinforced, the ceiling has been exposed, paint is new and fresh, and our floors are gorgeous. There was much hidden treasure right there that we had no idea about.

I'm sure there's a sermon illustration in that and if you attend CFC, you just might hear it one day!

The Holidays

Despite our home life continuing to be helter-skelter due to on-going construction (though we are on the homestretch and I am thankful for that!), the holidays are upon us and we are making the best of this wonderful time of year. There have been Christmas cookies, Christmas movies, Christmas planning, and this weekend, a CFA Christmas production that Gabriel and Bronwyn were part of.

Our family, Saturday night, after the second of two performances of "Good King Wenceslas: The King Who Knew The Joy Of Giving"

Home:: Christmas:: Parties:: Walking:: Growing

Home::

Is still a bit turned-upside-down and after the first week of flurry and walls coming down and framing going up, we're down to the more tedious part: furnace/duct work, sanding and sanding and sanding the floors to get all the lead paint off, taping & sanding the drywall, and eventually painting. I'm secretly hoping the painting part won't be so slow-going, but I have learned to hold hopes loosely when it comes to house projects!

As of now, we are still at the Dunphey's house. Who would have thought 2 weeks ago when I threw a few outfits per person in a suitcase that we would be gone this long?!?! Of course, that day we were only thinking Flooring-- not Rearranging the Blueprint of our First Story!

Christmas::

I have good chunks for my Christmas shopping completed, but am still far from being done. Yesterday I placed a few online orders to help fill in the cracks, but I'm not going to lie: it's a bit overwhelming to think about adding packages to the insanity that is currently my house!

That said, I can mostly laugh about it. This is the third time Daniel and I have faced moving into this particular house mid-December and trying to settle/resettle our things while decorating for the holidays simultaneously. I'm feeling surprisingly calm about it all.

Parties:

Calm, that is, until I start thinking about needing to get gifts for Christmas party exchanges or baking cookies for various events. I am being very slow to RSVP to much because I have no idea what we'll be up for as the weeks progress.

But I also don't want to skim over the holidays because of this project. I only get one Christmas with Gabriel as a 7-year-old, Bronwyn as a 6-year-old, Jackson as a 4-year-old, Aubrey as a 3-year-old, and Claire as a 1-year-old. I want to make the most of every minute this year.

It's a good thing the real joy of the season has nothing to do with parties or cookies or trees or baking. I am with these children and my husband wherever we go, and snuggles can be had and candlelight is nearby even when we're not in our own home.

Walking::

Speaking of Claire as a 1-year-old, she has taken a few wobbly solo steps these past few days. Unlike some kids who take steps without realizing it, she seems very aware of the feat. It's kind of cute!

At a day shy of 13 months, she looks like she will be right on track with my other children who-- except Aubrey (I can't say that I really count Aubrey in terms of the "average" since she is an exception in every way, including the fact that she really doesn't look like any of the other children!)-- were officially walking (not just taking wobbly steps) sometime between 13 and 14 months. It's fun to me that we have now established our family patterns. Doesn't it make me sound so grown up when I say things like, "All my kids have done such and such at such and such age"???

Growing::

I so pray that as my children are growing, so am I. It's not just that I want to be a "good mom": I want to be a sincere follower of Christ. I want to be able to show my children through my life a glimpse of their Heavenly Father. There is nothing I want more than for them to see Him and love Him-- no matter where we are or how topsy-turvy our lives and schedules and routines are or whether we have little or much or more or less!

Layout

I don't suppose this will make much sense for anyone who hasn't been to my house before, but for those of you who have, here's a quick sketch of the "new" layout (click through for a bigger image):

The great room? Yeah... it's pretty amazing. I plan on making 2 groups of seating (I currently only own 1, so it will surely be a work in progress-- which is a-okay by me!), plus there will be plenty of room for entering and exiting through both double doorways, as well as space for the piano, my large antique wardrobe, etc. Also remember that there are 3 windows pretty much evenly spaced along the lengthy exterior wall, which lend so much to making it a light and gracious room.

At the end of the great room where I've written "paneled cabinetry & mantel", picture something like this (which is very quick and lacking detail, I must say):

(For a general idea of the finished product, here's a little picture that illustrates the solid trim color & colonial look I'm hoping for:

End picture inspiration.)


The paneled wall/storage will be done at some point, but obviously isn't imperative to moving back in. Neither are the antique solid double doors I want to buy for between our bedroom and dining room.

(Doors like these:

End picture inspiration.)

Now, some reactions to the new bedroom set up have been, "It's pretty small, Brietta," and "In the front of the house?"

Here are a few quick thoughts on why I'm excited about the new bedroom set up:

1. I have really not enjoyed having a ginormous bedroom. It feels like totally wasted space when Daniel & I spend very little time in our room while having a growing family that could totally benefit from that square footage.

2. Perhaps it's silly or indicative of reading too many books as a girl, but I've always had this romanticized notion of my bedroom being a "keeping room" of sorts. Although this isn't right off the kitchen, it is very much just off the main living space and sounds so FUN to me.

(Oh wow-- I'm such a nerd!)

2. Also, the idea of decorating a smaller bedroom space really appeals to me. It feels more "in keeping" with my tail-end-of-colonial-era home, and is much more the style I love.

2. And anyway, the hope is that this room will not always be a bedroom, but will eventually be a library/study. Daniel rolls his eyes when I talk about how we'll make that happen, so I'll spare you the details for now!


As I write, Daniel is (after leaving the house at 4:30am for church work, I might add to give the man full credit for all his sacrifice) over at the house trying to finish up a bit of framing and get the drywall up. Tomorrow the hope is to begin the [long and arduous!] taping process, after which the floors can be fully sanded and then oiled. After that, the house will no longer be "toxic" and we can figure out how we want to schedule our return to the house around painting and trim work.


One of the awesome parts about this work is that, though time-consuming, it's not expensive work. The paneled storage/mantel will be the priciest part, and our friend Eric tells us that even that can be done rather inexpensively since I want it all painted anyway. I feel like we are getting a whole lot more than we're paying for-- and isn't that just the way God is?!?!

House work

And I mean house work-- not of the dusting or tidying variety!

(Though plenty of that will have to be done after all the project work, that's for sure!)

To make a long story short, after 5 years of thinking all the original floors in our pre-1850s house had been torn out (we'd only seen carpet and a standard sub floor), Tuesday morning we discovered that our house has beautiful, wide pine tongue-and-groove planks throughout. Excited doesn't begin to describe how we felt, and Daniel promptly began ripping up carpet so we could see exactly what we had been missing all these years!

Imagine our surprise when some friends stopped by and pointed out that we were disturbing a whole lot of lead paint in all our enthusiasm. Oops!

(Daniel and I are still novices at this home-owner/renovators thing, you know.)

A quick packing of suitcases and relocation to Ryan and Danica's house left Daniel and Ryan free to keep tackling the floors. What beautiful treasure lay beneath all that greatly-disliked carpeting! (If you want to know all the reasons I don't love carpet, ask me-- but they are too long for this blog post!)

Seeing our house emptied of all living room, music room, dining room, and bedroom furniture and decorations (for the first time ever, since our furniture had been moved in before we even arrived in the north country 5 years ago!) began playing with our imaginations. We started picturing how a few wall adjustments might make for a much more useful and utilized home. Adding fuel to that fire was the discovery of where some walls used to be and my long-time dream of a space more suitable to larger gatherings.

To make another long story short, we've removed a wall, enlarged a doorway, built another wall, and pretty much completely rearranged our first floor (aside from the kitchen/family room/bathroom portion). It's a big project, but it's mostly cosmetic and so so so SO fun!

Of course, I say "we've", but we all know that my role in this is simply producing ideas and trying to keep some semblance of routine and stability for the kids. Daniel has been doing what he needs to do at the church and then spending every spare minute working on the house. Alongside him have been a great and wonderful bunch of guys who are so talented and so gracious (and whose wives are equally gracious and generous to lend them). Ryan and Jamie have put in multiple long days with him at this point.

It's a fun adventure we're on, that's for sure! I will do my best to regularly post pictures as we go. I wish I was better at drawing so I could share a "blueprint" of sorts. Maybe I'll work on that soon. For now, here are just a few shots:

a few of the layers of flooring removed before getting to the original plank floors



after a little sanding



half of the wall that is now completely gone



some of the beams we discovered in the ceiling--
these will be left exposed, but will be white-washed

Grace

Last night, Claire hung onto the back of my skirt and cried and cried and cried while I scrambled to finish broiling the fish, roasting the veggies, and rolling out the biscuits. Halfway through this noisy and harried process, Aubrey fell and cut her lip. Then a full-scale football game started in the other room and my calls of, "Too rough in the house, boys!" were ignored until somebody got hurt and the lamp got knocked over.

Daniel came in the door and I was beyond tears. It was almost 7pm and had been a very long day. Half of dinner was sitting on the counter, untouched and getting very cold, while the other half hadn't even made it into the oven. The table wasn't set. My baby was covered in snot and it reminded me every time I saw her that I'd been ignoring her (more or less) for the past 30 minutes while I ran from one emergency to another.

Yes, beyond tears is the nice way of saying "spitting mad."

"How are you?"

I glared. I started throwing plates on the table, leaving mine off. There was no way I was going to let myself sit at that table. I knew two things:  first, I needed a major time out and attitude adjustment; second, I didn't really want to endure the noise of a busy meal table.

"Aren't you going to eat?"

I'm sure my eyes were shooting darts at this point.

Daniel is very gracious. He jumped right in and kindly excused me once everyone was at the table. I sat in the family room and closed my eyes. In that moment, I struggled between just repenting and moving on and welcoming condemnation (which, as any good Christian knows, can be a convenient excuse for the accompanying pity-party).

I never did choose last night which route I would go. After that deep breath, I just plugged back in like nothing had ever happened and got through the evening before collapsing into bed.

The bad thing about not choosing is that I never did repent and I never did tap into grace. And this morning when Daniel hopped in the car at 6:40am and I stood there, sleepy-eyed and raw from the previous day's unresolved bad attitude.

For the next few hours, I went through the motions but felt completely weighed down by my sin and my failure as a wife and mom. I am a fairly silent grump when it comes down to it, but my mood is still prevailing in my house and, boy, could I see how my children were suffering for it. Complaints, emotions, and fighting were escalating all around me. And I felt helpless to deal with it.

Daniel came home again and just in time. I had forgotten about Bronwyn's ballet that was switched to today and my barking reminders

The house I grew up in

Big, white, rambling. It looks just so big from the road, but once inside, you meander along and realize how far it continues in the back. Eaves and various roof-lines keep it from looking massive or austere; instead, it is a friendly-looking sort of house with a wrap-around porch and a wide front door that beckons visitors.

When I was little, only so many rooms were used. Over the years, bedrooms were rearranged and rearranged and rearranged again. I slept in all three of the original bedrooms during my 19 years. I always shared those rooms with sisters and can't imagine it any other way.

One enters the house through the front door. There in the hall are the stairs, immediately to your left as you come in. How many times I raced up and down those stairs, I don't know. I can vividly remember playing church, train, and covered wagon on those stairs, too.

To the right is the parlor, or "front room," as we call it. There are

One

Claire Evangeline came into our lives one year ago and swept us away with her sweetness.
What an easy baby she was.




We quickly realized she wasn't just sweet, but also incredibly cute.
At least, we thought/think so.




Of course, over the months, Claire has made it clear that there's some 'tude to go along with all that cute sweetness!




'Tude, sweetness, and cuteness aside, this girl knows how to get her praise on.




Turning one is a big deal, I think.
For me anyway.
Friends and family are always good to oblige me in a celebration.




And, surprisingly enough, gift-opening wasn't entirely lost on Claire.




But her favorite part was diving into a carrot [cup]cake with cream cheese frosting.
Can you blame her?




We love our girl!
The miracle of watching a child grow never gets old.

Doings

Claire and I tagged along with the college students to the BASIC conference this past weekend. It was a great time with lots of significant ministry from the Lord-- and Claire was a peach, which I had been very unsure about beforehand. She slept pretty much the whole way to Rochester and played happily with Alexis the rest of the time. She stayed up late both nights without much whining, and then slept in Kara's arms Saturday night so I could be a part of the altar prayer time and late-night worship. She didn't wake either morning until 8:30am, which is a record not only for her, but probably for all of my 1-year-olds! Sunday morning she was starting to seem a bit fried, but Holly entertained her for quite a while by giving her rides up and down the escalator over and over and over again. Louissa, who graciously chauffeured us the whole weekend, was the one who had to put up with fussing the last 45 minutes or so of our drive home, when Claire officially "expired"!

I was so glad to be a part. I know that what I do here at home to release Daniel to ministry makes me a part all the time, but it's really a blessing to be able to see a bit of what God is doing in lives. It's so encouraging to see so many people loving Jesus and hungry for His Word and work.

The 4 big kids stayed here in Madrid with Nana and Papa, which they loved. A giant sleepover! The aunts always spoil them, Nana always makes good food for them, and they got lots of help dressing up for the church's annual Hallelujah Party on October 31st.

Yesterday I did massive amounts of laundry (how do 7 people create that much laundry in just 3 short days???), made the enchilada sauce for tonight's celebration of Claire's first year (I think there will be about 35 of us since all the relatives are coming + the Criscitello family), and blitzed the house to get ready for the CFA Mothers Meeting that I hosted last night. Claire's birthday cake got baked this morning (thank goodness for Carina, who will help me decorate it a bit so it's not as ugly looking as most of my cakes), all the kids got baths/showers, and now I will begin the packing process for our morning departure for Pittsburgh before setting up for the party this evening.

School this week is mostly of the home ec variety, but will be finished off on Friday with a trip to the museum of natural history with Grandma Rah-Rah. The reality is that the toilets needed to be cleaned and the laundry needed to be folded more than the math sums needed to be figured-- and I am very content to graduate a 1st and 2nd grader who know how to do those things as well as they know how to read. Just last night I was reminded that good grades don't = knowing how to work, and I want my kids to know how to work! The bottom line is that a good work ethic is highly esteemed not only in the workplace, but in God's Word, and knowing how to work will enable them to learn! It's such a blessing to work together as a family and then enjoy the fruits of our labor, which this week is a house that's ready for guests and the opportunity to see friends and family and attend a special wedding.

I haven't actually written much or even thought much about Claire being a year old. We both, Daniel and I, are shocked that a whole year has already gone by. What a blur. The days really are evil and I feel so challenged and encouraged to make the most of each moment I have. My life is but a moment, and I want to serve Jesus with my whole heart here on earth while I have the chance.

Which today looks like baking and cooking and packing and voting and celebrating and loving on my family!

My homeschool assignment

One of my goals for this school year has been to learn how to make my own on-the-counter yogurt (I know there are lots of ways to make yogurt, but I'm not interested in something I have to buy special equipment for or have the oven at just the right temperature for or wrap a crockpot in towels for, etc., PLUS I really want those raw enzymes and reproductive capabilities so that I can stop buying yogurt altogether), as well as getting into whole wheat sourdough bread making. So far, I've only gotten as far into the process as proving to myself that I can [once again] be in a good routine of bread making-- so that at least I have a smidgen of confidence that I won't kill the cultures through neglect.

(Maybe, anyway.)

The thing is, I'm not so confident that I won't kill the cultures by smothering.

When I try new things, I tend to analyze and over-tend them. I look back on my early days of cloth diapering and I have no doubt that half my "troubles" were caused by hyper attentiveness on my part. Likewise with Gabriel's infancy (poor first child). If something seems to be going wrong, I'm not good at just waiting a bit to see what comes of it; I naturally want to intervene and consequently-- nine times out of ten, anyway-- make things worse!

Not to mention, science and anything scientifically-related scares me to death. I don't get it, therefore, I am afraid of it!

That said, I really want to do this. I have come to realize over the years that I tend to have a somewhat bad pH body balance that makes me very prone to thrush (a breastfeeding infection). Taking probiotics has really helped tremendously, but I also want to get away from yeast breads, as well as increasing natural probiotics through homemade yogurt.

So I'm about to take the plunge and buy both yogurt and whole wheat sourdough starter. It's my homeschooling assignment after all, and the first quarter of the school year is already up. Better get crackin', I say!

Us::

:: Daniel has had a really busy but productive two months or so. He has taken on more responsibility within the church, particularly with our homeschooling ministry, Christian Fellowship Academy. I know I'm partial, but I think he's doing a great job with all the transition and added work. He works strange hours and is basically always "on call," and yet he doesn't run out of energy and enthusiasm. I don't know how he does it, but I sure am amazed by and proud of his never-ending servanthood.

:: Jackson continues to be like a flower unfolding slowly before us. I feel strange using that analogy since he's a boy (maybe someone else can help me out with a more masculine one!), but it's the only picture I have to describe what getting to know him has been like compared to the stronger and more in-your-face personalities we have here at home. He is generally a very sweet and contented boy. Bit by bit, we are learning what he really likes (dinosaurs, in particular) and also what weaknesses he has. I love this process of discovering who my children are!

:: We are having a great school year so far. I love the curriculum we're using and am ever thankful for the "Aha!" moments that help me make it just right for us. Learning to manage a home and mother an infant, toddler and preschooler, along with homeschooling, is a constant adventure. I confess to too often losing my joy and peace because of things like long-lingering dust bunnies in the corners, dirty kitchen cabinet fronts, a frequently empty (and dirty!) refrigerator, and poorly tended gardens, but I really am thankful even for the things I don't get done because the Holy Spirit is using them to teach me how to walk in grace right in the midst of those things.

:: We're taking a break from organized sports for the fall (no soccer fans in the house and I'm just not ready to get into football yet, despite the boys' pleading) and are instead taking the opportunity to add in some other things. Gabriel began studying piano when we kicked off our school year and is loving it. Yes, he really wants drum lessons and, yes, we have every intention of getting him some eventually, but I really wanted him to begin his official music studies with piano-- and I think he's been surprised by how much fun he's having! In addition to weekly piano lessons for Gabriel, Bronwyn is part of a weekly hour-long ballet class, which she adores. I am happy to be the sports mom, but I have to admit that it's easier for me to make the sacrifice for music and dance. Good thing Daniel's around to balance me in this!

(And, don't worry, come January we'll be ready for basketball and then in April we'll do baseball!)

:: Claire is fast-approaching her first birthday. I know I keep saying it (and you're probably all, BELIEVE IT ALREADY), but I just can't wrap my mind around how fast this year has gone. Sure, each infancy has been fleeting, but ohmy. Didn't I seriously just walk out of the hospital with my brand new, smooshy, red-haired delight? The only things that help me realize the fullness of a year's passing are 1) her temper tantrums when she doesn't get her own way (specifically, if I don't give her something to chew on while the rest of us eat dinner), 2) how dreadfully she's been sleeping lately (all my babies have gone through major Sleep Strike around 12 months), and 3) that she has a sense of humor and tries to make us laugh! I have to tell myself, "Sorry, Self, but newborns don't do those things." Sadness, really.

:: I took reading nice and slowly with Gabriel (maybe a little too slowly due to paranoia of "pushing" him???), but there's just no denying it now: he's an independent reader who devours books like the Star Wars series, the Winnie-the-Pooh collection, and anything else that catches his eye. Bronwyn, who has not had any great fondness for learning to read, suddenly became inspired lately when she realized that knowing how to read enables her to snuggle with and bless younger ones. She can often be found reading simple books to Aubrey (or cousin William, when the chance arises). It's blessed me to see how motivated she's been by wanting to delight others.

:: I am playing fantasy football for the first time this year. It gives me great pleasure to announce that I beat Daniel this past week. Now, even if I lose the rest of the season, I am content.

:: My canning efforts were less this year than last, largely because I wasn't sure I was ready to take on quite as much work. The funny thing? It was such a piece of cake the second time around, free of all the jitters and insecurities of trying something new! At least we have enough strawberry jam and applesauce to get us through a good portion of the winter months, but I have made a note to myself to not be afraid next year.

:: Aubrey is still a walking, talking, galloping (her version of dancing) miracle. She remains on daily medication, but it's very standard heart disease management and much less nerve-wracking to deal with than some of the other medications she was on as an infant. This will be her fourth year receiving monthly synagis shots (medication that helps her body fight RSV), but a home healthcare nurse comes in to administer that. The cardiologists continue to say that she will need surgery and that they won't want to wait much beyond her fifth year to operate; I continue to pray and believe for a complete miracle.

In the meantime, the Make-A-Wish Foundation is putting things together to grant her a wish sometime in the next year or so, and that's very very VERY awesome. Tonight at the dinner table she was talking about it and I thought to myself that I just adore the way her eyes simultaneously squint and sparkle when she's excited!

:: We are talking lots these days about house projects and what to do when. I get alternately excited and overwhelmed. I love the dreaming and talking about what it will be like to have a real guest room again (for the first time in almost 7 years) and how much more functional the yard will be and the ways we will grow our gardens and what I want the bathrooms to look like, but I am also a little bit older and wiser after our kitchen/family room remodeling: house projects are a lot of work-- even when you're not the one doing most of the work. It's probably a very good thing we don't have the money to do everything right when we think of it or else-- between Daniel & I and our "dreaming"-- we would be living in constant chaos and upheaval!

:: I am really appreciating the community of ladies that God has surrounded me with. So many examples to look up to! So much encouragement and Godly exhortation to feed off of! So many understanding words, sympathetic hands to help, and gracious "overlooking" of shortcomings! I. am. blessed.

This morning's stream of consciousness

I am sitting by Claire's bed, where she will fall asleep as long as she knows I'm nearby and ready to require that she lay down. Sleeping has been a battle with Claire of late, but I think I'm finally figuring out exactly how much she needs (despite her protests otherwise) and how to achieve it. The thing is, the solution has involved correction and enforcement that I simply wasn't ready for. Claire is still my baby, right??? Yet here she is, interacting over sleep like an awfully big girl.

Oh the sleep issues! I know there will come a day when I very well may be fighting the reverse battle ("GET OUT OF BED!"), but for now, I just. want. her. to. sleep. It's hard to believe she was the infant who virtually slept through the night from day #1, only to now (at 11 months) seem to think that 8 hours at night (with basically non-stop nursing throughout that time) and 45 minutes during the day is plenty. This mama knows better, though, and has absolutely concluded that most of her grumpiness is the direct result of exhaustion.

Thus, the sitting by her bedside, ready to lay her back down the minute she tries to stand up. When she finally falls asleep, it really does mean a more pleasant baby later on, and that makes the drama worth it. Truth is, I wish she would just fall asleep nursing like she used to. So much easier in so many ways!

I left the older kids mid-school assignments when I came up with Claire, and I can hear the stirring of the restless down below. Oh boy!

Also, a HUGE stockpot of applesauce is warming on the stove and my canning supplies are heating up. I made the applesauce on Saturday, but I've not had a chance to put it up since then. I'm more than determined that today will be the day... and am trying to make sure that I don't let my ambition get in the way of nurturing these little people. Therein lies much of the tension of my life: the things I need to do to care for them vs. the actual care needed at this moment.

Which brings me to a confession: I might have canned the applesauce yesterday when I did, in truth, have a spare hour, except that I was getting my hair done.

Sorry to all you voters, but I went with hair cut #1. The color is neither of the options I posted, but done like a separate picture I had clipped years ago (which leads to another confession: I think it's from a doctor's office magazine!).

I really like it. I know I would have liked the second option, too, but I told Carina that I feel like I've been there, done that. I wanted something a little different, and this fits the bill rather nicely in that it's something kind of new, but still something I can manage to do (I'm a bit delinquent when it comes to styling hair, thus my girls never having french braids or curled hair or anything very interesting). The color is a blondish with copper undertones sort of thing. Also not entirely new, but something that shouldn't leave terrible roots when I'm slow to getting my hair done again... which I almost always am.

Oh brother. Listen to me trying to describe it, as if I'm totally INTO MY HAIR, which any of you who know I've been going everywhere and doing everything for the past month with a PONY TAIL know isn't a bit of truth! I would just take a picture, except that my parents have my camera in Spain. Or, rather, on their way home from Spain. Yay! It's not that I see them lots and lots during the week, but somehow knowing they're not just down the road makes me miss them. I'm so glad they're coming back!

And... she's asleep! I'll leave this stream of consciousness now with one last thought: it's a beautiful day! I really hope we can manage to find some time to enjoy it, because I can't get over how perfect it's been!

::windows into our lives::

::listening::
the ghetto:  donny hathaway
a mighty fortress:  christy nockels

::eating::
stuffed shells
homemade applesauce
espresso chip ice cream

::reading::
a lion to guard us
the house at pooh corner
star wars: jedi apprentice
the shaping of a christian family

::planning::
the official finale of our garden with a layer of fertilizer (aka "manure")
costumes for the murder mystery we're in this weekend
a new hair cut (this? or maybe this?... not sure yet)

::wanting::
a return to a regular running routine
chore cards printed out
to get the front porch pressure-washed

::watching::
kipper the dog
babies

Nine!

Daniel: I'm taking you away next week. To celebrate our anniversary.

Me (mouth gaping): But... isn't this, like, the worst time for you to go away? My dad's out of the country. Friday School starts this week. Also, it's a school week at home. And who's going to watch the kids? *blah, blah, blah... I talk a lot*

Daniel: Can you just say thank you and how excited you are?

Me: Oh, wow. Sorry. I'm a dork. Thank you!

Yes, it's true! We went away to celebrate 9 awesome years of marriage.

We stayed at the above B&B in Cooperstown, NY. I've always wanted to go to Cooperstown-- it seems so lame to have grown up just a few hours away and yet never have gone there-- and Daniel's always wanted to go there-- in sports, baseball is his first love-- and we were not disappointed. We absolutely loved the owners and the inkeeper at the B&B, as well as the other couples staying there (Daniel joked that we reduced the average age of the guests by about 30 years, but apparently we fit right in because we had great conversations around the breakfast table both mornings and found them all very enjoyable!). Cooperstown itself was great, too. Lots of history and art, quaint little shops, lovely homes, and-- of course-- baseball.

The colors everywhere were just breathtaking. This photo really doesn't do justice. The drive down and back were beautiful, as were our walks around Cooperstown. I love this time of year.

We both enjoyed the baseball hall of fame quite a bit. It was remarkable to see how the sport has changed and yet remained the same throughout the past 100+ years. I was particularly taken aback by the size of the baseball bats in the early 1900s: they were huge!

Daniel left seeming quite encouraged in his status as a die-hard Pirates fan and convinced that, in due time, his team will do well again. I have to say that I was surprised by how much great history the Pirates do have, considering how poorly they've done since I started loosely following them 9 years ago.

Claire came along with us and kept things interesting. We loved having her with us, but I'm not sure she loved the trip!

She managed the actual trip/driving exceptionally well. However, she slept exceptionally poorly and she was unhappy much of the time. I was wondering if another tooth was coming in or what was going on. Apparently, she just missed our house and her siblings because she was instantly happy upon our arrival home this afternoon, contentedly tagged behind Aubrey all evening, and went to bed without a bit of fuss tonight.

Everywhere we went, people ooh'd and ahh'd over Claire. They loved her even with her [very cute, Carol!] hat on, but the minute it came off, they almost fell over themselves admiring her hair. It didn't seem to matter if she had bags under her eyes (from not sleeping) or even if she was whining: one after another, people declared her absolutely adorable.

And then, after asking if she was our first, they almost fell over themselves again when one of us would answer, "No, our fifth."

We ordered our anniversary dinner to go last night instead of eating at the restaurant since Claire was getting particularly tired and fussy by the end of our evening walk. It seemed to both Daniel & I that we would enjoy the meal much more sitting in the cozy arm chairs in front of the wood stove back in our room at the B&B while Claire had her freedom to roam about and play with toys. It ended up being perfect. The food was great. We did our best to remember how we celebrated each of our previous anniversaries (I think we got all but 1... I guess the year Jack was a baby really was as much of a blur as it seemed!). We talked honestly about the things we appreciate about one another and the areas that we need growth in.

Like most every other couple, Daniel and I have had disagreements and challenges and plain old difficulties of life, but at the end of the day, we're confident in the Lord's leadership in our marriage and in our love and commitment to one another. I feel so blessed by that.

And definitely blessed by the time away. I'm glad Daniel knows to tell me to stop talking and just enjoy myself every once in a while!

One more

This is the last month before we get to counting by years with Claire.

Her personality is emerging more each and every day. Amazing!

She's as chubby and squishy as ever, and we love it.

It's true that we're having some battles of the wills these days, but mostly, we just laugh a lot together. 'Cause, boy, when this girl is rested she sure does love to play and laugh! (It's just getting the "rested" part taken care of that we sometimes struggle over.)

I love that I get to be with her everyday, celebrating each milestone!

Reasons I adore autumn:

1. The colors. Ohmy, the colors. Bright blue skies peeking out from gray clouds. Orange and red and yellow leaves everywhere. Green, green, green grass. Golds and browns and buffs.

2. Chunky patterned tights on little girl legs. Does it get any cuter, I ask?

3. Routine and productivity. Oh how I love this time of year just for this!

4. Decorating the house with pumpkins and mums and candles and candles and candles.

5. The food. Applesauce and apple pies and apple crisps and apple muffins. Pumpkin breads and pumpkin oatmeal. Chowders of every variety: potato, corn, butternut squash, and more.

6. The anticipation of the holidays! I've been thinking about Thanksgiving the last couple days and have officially decided that it's becoming almost as dear to me as Christmas and Easter, despite the traditional foods not being quite my favorite. (I've learned to make my peace with it by loading up on the roasted brussels sprouts and cranberry bread.)

7. My anniversary. It's coming up, you know. My life was wonderfully changed on October 6, 2001.

8. The way it draws us home. I love the adventure of summer, but I love coming home at the end to candlelight and warm dinners and cozy aphgans.

9. Scarves and leggings and boots and cardigans. Need I say more?

10. And although I could go on and on, I just have to say it again: the colors. They take my breath away every. single. year.

What I have

I woke up this morning and I felt grumpy.
I guess I had a real-deal case of the Monday blues.
I wasn't too excited about digging into the school books with the kids. Or washing & drying bedsheets. Or baking bread. Or making the phone calls I've been putting off. Or, or, or.
Without realizing it, I was rehearsing the reasons why I should be allowed to feel grumpy.
You know, like not having slept through the night in... oh... about eight years.

But how foolish I was/am.

I am so very very very VERY blessed.

Of course I feel miserable if I only think about what I'm not getting.
(Like sleep. Which is overrated, by the way.)
But what about what I do have?

What about the five beautiful children who call me Mama?
Even those middle-of-the-night calls are precious in their own way.

It's not just work this house represents.
It's a home, a haven, a resting place.

And my husband? He's not just a man who wants his dinner at the end of the day.
He takes care of me. He loves me. He constantly puts me before himself.

That washer that is costing us money to repair?
We have the money to repair it, and I am thankful!

Homeschooling requires something of me, sure. But I get a whole lot from it.
Do you know that Bronwyn exclaimed, "I love it!" when I read Daybreak by Longfellow aloud to her?

So I didn't get a shower until after dinner today.
I got hugs and kisses from my children. I had more help from Daniel than he really had time to give.

Best of all, I have salvation.
A beautiful, perfect gift from God.

I am so rich. And I have no right to be grumpy about anything!

The main thing

Lately I've been thinking lots about what I am known for. Not in a prideful sense (I hope!), but in a convicted examination sense. Even when I forget about it, the thought pops back into my head it seems every time I hear someone break open the Word and share. I wonder: do people think Jesus when they think of me?

You see, I live out my walk with Christ in practical ways. This is right and good. But it's so easy to make these out-workings the main things. The truth is, when I come to mind, it would be easy to think Mom or Homemaking or Homeschooling or Tidy or Frugal or whatever. None of those things are evil or wicked. Indeed, they are all part of who I am and how the Lord has asked me to live.

But they aren't the Main Thing.

I think of my dad's sermon several months ago when he helped us see that the apostle Paul, in the book of Philippians, could have identified himself as apostle, leader, church father, etc.; but instead, he identified himself as a bond servant of Christ. Loving and serving Jesus... that was what mattered to him.

At the Blueprint Conference we hosted at our church this past weekend, I found myself thinking about what my children might define me as. Sure, I am Mother to them. I'm the one who does their laundry, teaches them their sums, cooks their dinner, and reminds them to do their chores. But in the end, I want them to see me and know me as one who loves Jesus. A sinner saved by grace who wants nothing more than to pour herself out for Him.

There are so many soap boxes out there and I've got my fair share.

I want to keep Jesus in His rightful place.
In my heart. In my home. In my life.

He's the Main Thing.

Slipping into routine

We didn't plunge into a fall routine around here this year. In fact, I'm still trying to tie up all the loose ends-- like chore charts and reward systems, labels on freshly purged and reorganized toys, final school supplies purchased, and some other odds and ends-- but we've slipped into Fall 2010, and it's been really beautiful.

I say "slipped," but I have to confess that I'm sure my family has felt on some days recently that it's not been so subtle and calm a transition. I have found myself in Organizational Mode at the most unexpected times. In past years , I have always planned my projects and fall cleaning, and the family has received due warning about when these activities will take place. This year? Well, it's happened rather randomly. I start with putting away the laundry and the next thing Daniel and the kids know, I'm swapping dressers and purging closets; I go to wrap a gift and end up overhauling all my gift wrapping supplies and how they're stored; I buy a bookshelf to make room for more books and school materials, and suddenly I'm rearranging entire rooms. Daniel can't find batteries or flashlights without getting directions from me, and the kids can't figure out where I moved their scrap paper and colored pencils and scissors to and, oops, I threw away every last crayon without meaning to when I decided that any broken ones would go in the trash (apparently, that was all of them).

In the midst of that, though, we've had totally normal days when I haven't gone haywire on everyone, and we've begun working our way through our school books, and the children have been learning new responsibilities around the house, and all this without actual weekly chore assignments getting nailed down or construction paper being bought or even having crayons on hand, for heaven's sake. I won't lie: I am looking forward to having those things in place, but we are managing just fine in the meantime and actually finding our groove.

And it's amazing to me that I really and truly am entering a season of motherhood when I don't have to provide all the physical energy and effort on behalf of my entire little brood for everything we do. I can get all weird about random cleaning and organizing and instead of the kids eating chalk or cutting each others' hair or dumping the entire box of Cheerios on the kitchen floor and stomping all over them while I do that, they play nicely. Even better? They help me! And not just in a "Oh that's cute, your toddler is following you around while you vacuum the house" kind of way. Like, they help in a "Gabriel, you dust and vacuum your bedroom and, Bronwyn, you fold the laundry and, Jackson, you watch Aubrey and Claire while I go crazy with my House Things" kind of way.

3

Happy Birthday
to the prettiest strawberry-blonde girl ever,
to the baby that taught me to better cherish each day,
to the miracle who demonstrates the power of God with every laugh and skip she takes,
to the spunky, opinionated, effervescent little person we can't imagine life without,
to the toddler with the irresistible voice,
to our very own Aubrey Collete!

Three years ago you came into the world, dear girl, and turned us upside-down.
God has used you to teach us so much about Himself, His love, and His grace.
We are thankful for you.
We celebrate you.
We love you!

birthday

Today is my twenty-eighth birthday. As old as the birthdays of each of my children always make me feel, this one reminds me that I'm actually still pretty young and that I have lots ahead of me in God!

Last week, I told Daniel what I wanted for my birthday: a day to remind myself of the joy of being a mom, a day spent laughing with him, a day free from long To Do lists and full of opportunities to hear the thoughts of my children, a day to relish and soak up This Moment.

I didn't want to go off, just the two of us. It's just not me. I love being with my kids, and I especially love being with them when I don't have anything more to do than just enjoy them.

So Daniel took the kids and I to Lake Placid, and we had, undeniably, one of the most enjoyable days I have had in months. From start to finish, it was simple, laid-back, hilarious, and FUN. The kids had us in stitches left and right-- it's amazing how much they keep us rolling with their funny sayings and quirky habits and plain old cuteness! We ate incredibly good burgers, walked up and down and all over the place, visited the olympics training center, held hands and talked, and-- of course-- shopped.

Boy, did we shop! Daniel and the kids were great sports and let me enjoy myself with lots of browsing. It kills Daniel that I can scour 20 stores and only walk away with a few purchases, but the looking is as fun for me as the buying! Today, though, he didn't say a word about all the perusing. He's a good sport, you know.

On top of all that, the weather couldn't have been more beautiful. It was just perfect.

And, fortunately, Aubrey and I really are feeling much better. I'm still coughing, but not if I don't laugh too much (which was basically impossible today, but oh well!) and Aubrey's glands are still a bit swollen, but we feel 100% more energetic than we did just yesterday.

Future olympians???



I take shopping quite seriously, I'll have you know.



Apparently, Aubrey is not quite so serious about it.



Bronwyn had lots of fun with mannequins!



And Daniel seemed to enjoy it, too, since there are about 12 pictures like this and very few others!



My, how big they're getting!



My birthday buddy.
(Aubrey knows our birthdays are pretty close together. She insisted that this outing and special day was for her, too, and I was happy to humor her.)

Change

There's been a gradual change in my house, gradual enough that it's really caught me unawares: some of my toddlers have become children.

In general, I still think of myself as being a young mom with a small brood clinging to her apron strings. Then-- Bam!-- something happens to help me realize that, actually, my apron strings are getting longer and longer, the older children are growing more and more independent, and I am quickly losing my excuse in motherhood of being "new" to it. (Don't worry: there are plenty more other excuses I'll come up with, I'm sure.)

This morning I had one of those moments. I was scribbling out a chore list, trying desperately to battle the clutter and dirt that is collecting while I nurse a sinus infection and what I suspect is a developing case of strep throat. It looked like this:

Gabriel:
clean downstairs bathroom
fold laundry
dust family room & mudroom

Bronwyn:
clean upstairs bathroom
fold laundry
dust dining room & my bedroom

Jackson:
collect garbage from bathrooms
sweep kitchen
dust living room & music room

Aubrey:
collect laundry from bedroom hampers
pick up puzzles (that Claire had dumped out)

And then it went on to list the things I would take care of.

I don't know... it was just one of those Reality of the Passing of Time moments. As I made these hurried notes, I couldn't help but feel like my mom. I remember those days when she would dole out assignments and... well... I wasn't a toddler then... which I guess means that my children aren't all toddlers either.

But when did this happen? How did they get big enough for responsibility? And who said they could grow up so fast???

Lately Liking::

:: cooler mornings and evenings that can only mean one thing: fall will soon be settling in around us! I love fall.

:: Murder, She Wrote in the evenings, on my laptop, after the children are in bed.

:: curried chicken salad, crisp lettuce, avocado slices, and fresh-from-the-garden tomatoes in a whole wheat wrap.

:: purging the house of unnecessary clothes, books, toys, and belongings to make better room for the things we truly love.

:: several Willa Cather books, purchased this summer at a library book sale and now being enjoyed in snippets whenever time will allow.

:: soft, white prefolds and Thirsties covers on my baby girl's bottom.

:: rearranging furniture and decorations-- just ask my children and they'll tell you it's my new hobby.

:: Oreos. They're my latest dessert of choice.

:: Psalm 34. Aubrey's Psalm. I am feasting upon it again these days. And, sometimes, certain phrases bring me right back to nights when I clutched bedsheets and tears stung my eyes and I wondered if my baby would still be alive when I woke in the morning and I would stir Daniel and ask him, "Will you read it to me? Please?" and he would and my soul would rest once again in His love and peace. It's good to be reminded of those days, you know? God's done a work in Aubrey and in us. And the best part is that He's still doing it!

Afternoon rambles

Aunt Liana has whisked Gabriel, Bronwyn, Jackson, and Aubrey away for a late-summer stop at the playground. It's a beautiful, sunny, 75-degree day here in Madrid-- too beautiful to not be taken advantage of. My, but the house is so quiet when this sort of thing happens! I hardly know what to do with myself.

On top of being short four children, Claire has finally-- after fighting sleep for the past few days-- succumbed to rest and is peacefully sleeping in her bed, and I am catching my breath for a few minutes.

Whew.

It's been a busy bit as I've done some overhauling here at home in preparation for a new school year. More books/new supplies + limited space = purging, new bookshelves, and creative solutions. This overhauling can't just be limited to school things, though. Oh no. The bedrooms also are being rearranged and reorganized, including toys and dressers and baby things and more. I keep telling myself to hold off on the closets until the summer clothes need to switched out for winter clothes or else I'll be too tempted to get into all of that, too-- and where would that leave us when the temperatures return to the 80s as predicted next week???

This is also the busy time of year for campus ministry, which means that most days we don't see a whole lot of Daniel until after small children have gone to bed and even I have stayed up past my bedtime in order to see him for a few minutes. I don't say that to complain in any way, shape, or form because I've learned that this adventure I'm on with Daniel mirrors that of a farmer's in many ways: the work must be done when the harvest is ripe. It means that some weeks are long and stretch on with no end in sight, but the truth is that the pauses do come and we get to take trips to the beach and there are early arrivals home from the office and in those days I am the girl to be envied and I know it!

Yes, I keep busy here at home and Daniel keeps busy at the church & on the campuses and between us both we find ourselves excited and increasingly ready for all that God has for us this fall. I think one of the lies of our culture is that we will be re-energized when we've taken a break and had our chance for selfish indulgence. Drawing back in order to 1) be with Jesus, 2) re-prioritize the important relationships (family, etc.), and 3) take a fresh look at the things He's called us to, and then diving in with your whole heart: that's how to be renewed (for me, anyway).

Slowly but surely, we're back to establishing and re-establishing routines, order, and attitudes. Back to regular bedtimes and risings. Back to chore charts and systematic evaluation. Back to knowing what the day holds before it's half over.

(Okay, okay... so maybe that last one is wishful thinking on my part!)

Party

Today my home was filled with the happy sounds of a number of little girls. They were dressed in an array of beautiful "princess" gowns and they laughed and giggled and asked hesitantly for more pink lemonade and said thank-you-for-the-cake as they pushed their chairs away from the table.

My two boys gallantly joined them in tunics and breastplates, and Nana & Papa also graced our table and home, kindly donning crowns and castle garb for the fine occasion: my oldest daughter's sixth birthday celebration.

Ohmygoodness, ohmygoodnes! she exclaimed as she opened several gifts, all of which went very well with the little girl princess theme: dolls and hair ties and bubble bath and chocolate and princess story books.

And then they rode bicycles and shared toys and gave each other wagon rides and pushed back strands of hair that covered their eyes as they gave themselves to Play. The boys even acted out a battle at one point!

The party came to a close and the Head Servant (aka "Daddy") escorted our lovely guests home. I set about the simple clean up process of gathering new things, wiping down tables, washing up dishes, and sweeping the floors. And I thought to myself that it is a true joy to consider the memories I get to help make for my children.

Prayerfully, for the other children who happen upon us, too.

I think about the men and ladies these children will grow up to be. I think about how amazing it is that these simple acts of baking a cake and sharing it, setting the table with pretty plates and napkins, preparing little games and small prizes, can help shape a value system that says that people-- lives-- are important and worth our effort and celebration. It seems so small, and perhaps it will all be just a vague memory in the grand scheme of things. I don't know.

But these little opportunities for investment are all around me, and sometimes even  though they don't look like much altogether on their own, I do know that added up, they mean a lot.

A whole lot.

Anyway, it was such a pretty day and lovely party. It might have been for Bronwyn, but I had fun, too! And Bronwyn got her very own 18" Gotz doll, which has been quite the source of joy for both her and me this evening!

Another Year

Bronwyn turned 6 years old yesterday.

Time flies when you're havin' fun, I tell ya.

And, boy, is this girl fun.

I'm not sure what makes her look older, the camera or the stance.

Bronwyn loves jewelry and lipstick and sunglasses. She loves dogs and digging up worms and planting seeds in the ground. She loves pink and chocolate and getting her nails painted. She loves snuggling on the couch and holding my hand and wrestling with Daddy.

She sings all day long, until a sudden self-consciousness overtakes her and she decides she's more shy than adventurous-- for the moment, anyway.

Is it just me, or does she have the Celebrity Mom look down pat?

She daydreams of performing on stages, wearing a bridal gown, and owning a puppy.

Our family just wouldn't be the same without this sparkly-eyed, full-of-smiles, playful and pleasant girl. We are so happy to celebrate another year with our Bronwyn Eliese!

The smile that lights up my life each and every day!