This morning I woke up and my heart felt sick--the sick that comes with
hope deferred. These last five hours have been a battle against giving
in to the feelings of exhaustion--exhaustion that runs much deeper than
any physical exhaustion can.
Sometimes I find myself walking in His supernatural strength, and I am
amazed. Those are the times when nothing can un-do me and no hurdle is
to great for me. And then there are days like November 18, 2005.
Today I want to give up. I wonder if life really does stretch on as
bleakly as it seems to at this very moment. I feel incapable and I have
no desire to improve. The task seems too great, the rewards too scarce.
Contentment.
Is He enough? He says He is. Will I believe? Will I take Him at His
word? Will I trust that He won't just at some point in the future be my
Provision, but that He is my Provision for this very moment?
I will. I do. I choose life in Him, knowing that disappointments and
difficulties will still come, but that He will walk with me through
every single one.
Today I am discouraged, but today I know in a new way that He is my Friend.
I have been waking up recently with the same sort of "heart-sickness." Hope deferred. At this point, that phrase almost makes me look away in fear. Maybe that's the point for me...why the hope is still deferred - my fear. Sometimes I can't bear to even glance at my circumstances or myself. Hope deferred (How is He going to change me - make beauty from the ashes around me).
ReplyDeleteLike you, I also choose Him. Some days I struggle to remember why, but I still do it. I know that it must be Him sustaining me through these days, good and bad, because I ran out of will to do so long ago. I know it must be Him, because I too want to give up, yet I continue. Now He has given me hope for my deferred hope.
Our enemy doesn't play fair, but He is faithful.
Lately, I also have been in the same situation. I'm constantly reminding myself of the battle we face against the darkness. Sometimes I forget... and rude awakenings come. In Him alone I trust and stand on in the midst of sinking sand.
ReplyDeleteI have been learning an important lesson lately. It has to do with being thankful in ALL circumstances and being joyful ALWAYS...for this is God's will for us in Christ Jesus. Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. I say it again, Rejoice! Consider it pure JOY when you face trials...be thankful for the testing. We share in His sufferings that we may also share in His glory.
ReplyDeleteYou may not be called by God to sit in a dank, dark prison for ten years for Jesus' name. But you may be called to suffer in order to serve your family, putting them first in everything. Enduring those tired days, sleepless nights, and those days when you have a headache, the kids have terrible colds, and you don't even have a second to eat anything or drink a glass of water (let alone pee it out). As a wife and a mother you have been awarded the God-given authority to rule your "domain". You are the acting CEO of a great enterprise of which your husband is the owner. This task is a grave responsibilty. If you wanted to be flighty, frivolous, and just plain uncommitted, you wouldn't be experiencing the exhaustion and the reality of the task at hand. Since you obviously are not any of those things and have chosen to face life's challenges head on with His strength, you become weary at times. May these times be short-lived and few. Our reactions to these times define who we really are inside and what we believe at our core level...and you have so wisely chosen to trust Him. This encourages me. Also, I can pray for you...strength for the task- not a lesser task.