Yup

In case you were wondering, last night I was in bed at around 8:30 and was asleep by 9:00.

It was bliss!

It's a...

...Mom sort of day.

Not necessarily a Like My Mom sort of day, but just the kind when being a mom feels very real.

I think I slept from 10pm-1:30am last night. I'm not sure why Aubrey was awake so much-- she's not very congested by now-- I just know that she was. She had a bad night. Babies do that sort of thing.

I have changed a certain son's very disgusting diaper twice already this morning. I think it will be a long day in that department.

This certain son also has required that I "fix" his socks what feels like every 15-30 minutes since he woke first thing this morning. Fixing = making sure the seam is perfectly centered across his toes and that the heel isn't slouching a bit. Was it me that once said he was easy-going?

I started laundry while stirring the black beans while sanitizing the bottles while ordering two Christmas gifts. If you called and I didn't answer, it's because I was already doing far more things than I have hands for-- and I simply refuse to start using a hands-free headset for phone calls.

And the reason I haven't called back is because I'm too tired.

I'm wearing the clothes I wore yesterday since the path of least resistance this morning meant putting them on instead of picking them up from the heap they were in and folding them. I hate wearing the same clothes two days in a row because it makes me feel sleepy and feeling sleepy comes easily enough today.

Bronwyn brought me two toys that were growing mold and needed to be cleaned. I don't remember ever cleaning moldy toys in my former life.

My means of transportation has been borrowed by my husband because the car muffler needs to be repaired or replaced. It doesn't matter because I wouldn't go anywhere anyway but not having it sitting in the driveway reinforces the housebound feeling.

It's a Mom sort of day and I really don't mind.

After all, I will wear the same clothes two days in a row and it won't matter because my kids don't even notice. I will change diapers and wash moldy toys and be glad that my jobs don't require much brain activity. I will let voicemail answer my phone and callers will excuse me with thoughts like, "She's probably putting the kids down for naps," or "I bet she's up to her eyeballs in laundry." I will go to bed at 8pm tonight (if all the children are sleeping at their usual time) and nobody will think less of me because... well, because I'm a mom.

You see, it all works out in the end.

And the in-betweens are filled with baby coos and toddler laughter and and offerings of plastic tea cups filled with invisible hot chocolate and seeing four little heads peeking out from warm quilts and parades put on just for me.

I like Mom sorts of days.

Remodeling

Much of my day has been spent bent over the dining room table, drawing and cutting small lines, shuffling papers that represent cupboards and tables and appliances and more. This planning is not for tonight nor tomorrow. Believe it or not, I am already looking far ahead to spring, even as I hunker down with candles and afghans and steaming mugs of tea.

Yup, you guessed it: our savings account has proclaimed us ready to begin assembling remodeling strategies on this precious little house I call home. We currently have an unfinished room off of our kitchen. Many of you know the Room Within The Room that we use as a make-shift coat closet and laundry room. Well, that make-shift room's days are numbered; we will soon re-claim its two-by-fours and insulation and put them towards more than doubling our present kitchen's size (which currently boasts a very modest 120' square feet).

Today I pulled out my ruler and pencil, deeply furrowed my brow, and did
my best to make dreams and imaginations fit inside the grid lines
before me.

This square represents the current square footage
(however, the little squares representing appliances and cupboards are not shown in the existing layout):

The two pages together represent our kitchen once the wall between the existing room and the unfinished room is torn down
(as you can possibly see-- if your eyes are amazing, that is-- I am contemplating commandeering 65-70 square
feet for a mudroom/laundry room on the bottom right hand):

Yesterday I wanted to fast-forward to spring and let the dust fly. Today I am glad I have a bit more time to plot and plan. The picking and choosing of priorities is much more daunting than simply putting up with what I've been handed by someone else.

Life

:: Thanksgiving Day was so much fun. It was the first time I've celebrated Thanksgiving at Mom & Dad's since 1999. There's something so cozy about being in your childhood home for such special days.

There was so much food. In fact, I think we may have set a record. Twenty-five people were fed that day and then anywhere from 15-20 people were fed each of the next two nights on the leftovers.

It was a blast to watch portions of the infamous parade with my kiddos, laugh and hang out a lot with my family, watch a movie with some of my sisters, eat way too much food, and pause together to consider God's endless goodness.

:: We're pretty sure Gabriel has Fifth Disease since his "chapped" cheeks aren't getting better with lotion and now he has a lacy-looking rash all over his belly and ears and hands. Fortunately, he's beyond the contagious point and it shouldn't be too many more days before we know for sure if Bronwyn and Jackson have escaped unscathed.

:: When the home health care nurse came last Wednesday to give Aubrey her shot, the scale bumped up to 8lbs,12oz. That's +1lb in one month, which is tremendous in light of her heart disease. She's had a bit of a stuffy nose the last several days, which makes eating and sleeping a bit more of a chore for her, so I'm busy doing my best to help her get past it as quickly as possible.

:: While I still can't guarantee that Aubrey will breastfeed well at every feeding, when she does breastfeed nowadays she does really well and doesn't usually need much from the bottle afterwards. This is huge progress and I am so happy! In light of how much better she's doing with nursing, I decided today to learn how to use my wrap while breastfeeding. So far, so good! Yippee!

:: On Friday, I cleaned the house pretty well in preparation for Christmas decorations, which have been mostly out since Saturday afternoon. We don't have our tree yet since I don't want it to be totally dried out by New Year's Day, but plans are in the works for getting it on Monday. I love my house at Christmastime-- probably because it was December 14, 2005 when we first moved in.

:: And finally... Polling all moms out there: How many of you wake the baby you just spent an hour putting to sleep in order to change the diaper s/he just filled? About 50% of the time, Aubrey's eyes finally close a few seconds before she fills her diaper. I am always conflicted about what to do-- especially during the day when I know she'll be awake in another 30 minutes to an hour anyways!

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for my home; for its warmth and beauty and evidence of God's provision.

I'm thankful for the fingerprints of God throughout creation: in seasons and colors and sunsets.

I'm thankful for the sacrifices others made so that I can freely worship where I live.





I'm thankful for a husband who loves me anyway.

I'm thankful for a son who first showed me how incredible motherhood really is.

I'm thankful for a daughter who is more special to me with every passing day.

I'm thankful for a little boy who teaches me the uniqueness of each person.

I'm thankful for a miracle in the form of a baby who is ten weeks old today.





I'm thankful for fresh beginnings and for mercies that are new every morning.

I'm thankful for the Cross; for salvation and redemption and hope.

I'm thankful for Jesus and His love.

Preparing for Giving of Thanks

Today was our first official "Thanksgiving Day." We celebrated all day long by getting ready for tomorrow. (In my experience, the anticipation and preparation is more than half the joy of a celebration!) Daniel was home and for the morning hours he held Aubrey and watched the other kids while I threw chili in the crockpot (well, that was for tonight's dinner) and then baked and baked and baked for tomorrow's feast.

First, Gabriel and I made my favorite part of the Thanksgiving meal: cranberry bread. (Please don't remind me that the no dairy thing means I can't partake this year...)








Then, Bronwyn and I tackled pumpkin pie. I've yet to find a tried and true recipe for pumpkin pie, but a great pie crust recipe from her makes up for the experimentation I do each year on the filling.








Jackson was my challenging special helper who simply would not be left out of the action. And he sure was cute as he beamed with pride after I put the apron around his chubby belly! He and I worked on Daddy's favorite: pecan pie.






This afternoon found me visiting with a really great lady who apparently still likes me even after cleaning my bathrooms, bathing my children, spending the night at my house while Daniel was away one weekend, and weeding my garden (among other things). She invited me over to make a craft, which in and of itself is hilarious because neither of us are "craft people," but our project turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself. And now when Gabriel asks why we don't have a "Thanksgiving sign," I'll point him in this direction:
(the hanging location is still up for debate...)






Honestly, I can think of no better thing to spend a whole day doing than getting ready to give thanks. It was a lot of fun!

My Morning List

1. make bed
2. dress & feed kids
   
3. bathe Aubrey
   
4. vacuum downstairs carpets
   
5. prep dinner (macaroni & cheese)
   
6. wash dishes
7. shine kitchen sink
   
8. start laundry
   
9. wipe down table & chairs
   
10. wrap wedding gift
    
11. get Daniel's clothes (for wedding) ready

Sometimes (OK... a lot of times) I'm amazed at how quickly 5 hours can disappear with very little getting done. I don't make lofty lists and still I fall short. But then I remember that Aubrey has yet to take a good nap today and that Gabriel is sick with what looks to be strep throat and that Jackson has needed continual attention (read: discipline and training) and that Daniel has been gone since 8am, and I don't feel quite so inept.

At least the kids made their beds.

Triggers

I guess we all probably have our "trigger" areas. You know, the things that can make the day seem all right or all wrong. For instance, the floors being vacuumed and the dishes being washed = immediate peace for me. Daniel has learned me well enough to know that if I've had a rough day, him spending 15 minutes with the vacuum cleaner does more for me than any pep-talk ever could.

I have four more "triggers." The way they sleep, eat, play, talk, and behave can make my heart soar or can send me into the fastest downward spiral you've ever seen.

That's the thing about "triggers." They're changing-- if not
moment-to-moment, at least day-to-day. The victory I experience when I
lay that fussy baby down in her bed will be dissolved in my tears when she
wakes up screaming 15 minutes later. The peace of one morning's
down-pat routine disappears when naptime is disastrous. My
four-year-old might eat the cereal and milk without complaining today,
but that is no indication of what he'll do tomorrow.

It isn't wrong to achieve satisfaction in the work of our hands and the world around us, so long as we know that it isn't lasting. The floor that is vacuumed right now will be covered in bread crumbs, smushed green peas, and half-chewed chicken in a couple hours. It's the way it goes.

But Jesus never changes. And the peace and satisfaction He gives is always available. In life's storms and trials. In the big and small disappointments. In rest and in exhaustion. In candlelight dinners and in fast food eaten on the go.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you;
not as the world gives
do I give to you.
Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be
afraid.
                                              John 14:27

Continued Keeping

Aubrey's appointment this morning with the cardiologist went great. We were in the waiting room by 9am, Aubrey's EKG was done by 9:15am (our scheduled appointment time) and then Dr. Byrum came in for a 20-minute exam and consultation.

She is doing great. Her heart rhythms continue to be very stable and her body's continued response to her daily dosage of Lasix is perfect (in other words, her medications don't have to be increased). Also, she is now weighing 8lbs,7oz (up another 3oz in the last week) and is 21" long. In addition, her head circumference is 14.5" which, as Dr. Byrum noted, means her brain is growing and proves adequate nutrition.

We'll go back down on December 12th for another check-up. Aubrey will also have an echocardiogram done that day that they will compare with her last one, which was done the day before she was discharged from the NICU. The hope with the echocardiogram is to see further narrowing of her pulmonary artery
(and thereby less over-circulation of her lungs), which would allow the cardiologists to continue putting off surgery. We will be praying to this end as we pray for her
miracle.

I like Dr. Byrum. Actually, I really like all 3 of the 4 cardiologists that I've met so far. Dr. Byrum is a quiet and gentle man with 20+ years of pediatric cardiology experience. He takes as much time to talk with us as we want and I can tell that his answers are always carefully thought-through by the way he hesitates before speaking (kind of like my dad does).

I admit that it's a long drive that makes for a long day, especially since our first-thing-in-the-morning appointments mean leaving the house around 6am. But we are glad to have yet another confirmation that the Lord is miraculously keeping Aubrey.

Thank you so much for praying for Aubrey. Please don't stop.

2 Months

Aubrey is constantly changing. That is the way of newborns, isn't it?

She "talks" now-- especially when I talk to her-- and her little voice is breathtakingly adorable. While I spend ridiculous amounts of time trying to coax a reluctant smile out of her, she would rather knit her brows together and tell me of her day, it seems.

She doesn't like taking baths, but then, none of my infants have. I don't like her cries as I bathe and dress her, but I sure do love the sweet scent of a freshly washed and lotion'd baby in my arms.

She is asleep most evenings by 6 or 7pm and she spends the rest of the night sleeping very well and having to be woken for almost all of her every-3-hours feedings. Her good nighttime sleeping patterns make it so I dare not complain about her poor daytime sleeping patterns.

She will see the cardiologist tomorrow and be weighed there. Last week she weighed 8lbs,4oz. Looking at her chubby cheeks, I can confidently say that she has gained weight throughout the past several days, though I've given up on trying to guess exactly how much.

This past Thursday she was 8 weeks old and I decided it was high time she start wearing size 1 diapers since newborn diapers are more expensive. My reward was her first two "explosions" resulting from diapers that are too big around her skinny legs and tiny waist. Oh well.

She is much more content this past week than she had been. I'm still not sure what exactly has helped with this, since her medication was lowered, I cut dairy out of my diet, we changed bottles, and I stopped drinking my morning cup of decaf coffee all within about 48 hours. Right now, I don't care what it is that's helping-- I'm just happy she's happier!

Her heart still thumps beneath her chest. Her biggest brother notices her unusual breathing and comments on it. She has her daily medications and frequent bottles of expressed milk. We can't let her sleep too long or cry too much. She has at least weekly medical appointments. She is different than my other babies were in many, many ways.

But God is God of her, just as He is of them. And perhaps it is good that this mother's prayers have become a bit more fervent than they were in the past-- not just on Aubrey's behalf, but also on Gabriel's and Bronwyn's and Jackson's.

Most of all, we deeply love our littlest girl. She amazes us over and over again. There are countless times in a day when Daniel or I, awed as we gaze at her, say to one another, "Can you believe how miraculously God has spared her?" We don't deserve this-- our faith has often failed us and our need of goodness is without question-- and so Aubrey reveals to me with every snuggle and coo the abundant grace and gifts of God in my life.

Prayer

"Today at [3:45pm] the army will participate in what is known as a ramp
ceremony for Christian and the other fallen men. We have been
forewarned; this, they say, will be difficult. Apparently it is very
moving, very honoring, very final in many ways. That is [9:45]am EST." (more)

Father, be Liz's portion today. Be her peace, her assurance, her comfort.
Let the hope of all who are grieving be You.
Because You are safe and secure, Jesus; You never disappoint.


I Corinthians 15:51-55
Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed--
in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the
trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we
shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has
put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is
written: "Death is swallowed up in victory." O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?"

Mourning

My thoughts and prayers are continually filled with Liz. Such pain and such sorrow I can't even fathom; but I can think of nothing else.

Be with her, Lord. Comfort and support.
Oh, be ever so near in this hour, dear Jesus.





Psalm 34:18
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 27:13-14

I would have despaired unless I had
believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the
living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.

Fun Is...

...sorting through winter outdoor apparel and discovering that much more that fits my children than I'd anticipated! My original shopping list had snowboots for Bronwyn and Jackson on it, as well as an entire snowsuit for Jackson. With one swoop through the upstairs closet, I was able to cross off snowboots for both Bronwyn (apparently her feet haven't grown much since last year) and Jackson (with 2-3 pairs of socks we can make a pair in the closet fit!) and the entire snowsuit has been replaced with simply snowpants.

...Aubrey weighing in today at 8lbs,4oz! This is +4oz from last week and brings us to a total of +8oz in the last 2 weeks! (For perspective, she only gained 2oz the previous 2 weeks.) Last week's talk of fortifiers vs. formula supplements-- and which one ought to be added to Aubrey's diet-- is done, hopefully for keeps.

...a major shopping spree that ended this evening with cupboards bulging and the pantry overflowing. I have to imagine that only homemakers derive quite so much satisfaction from seeing 20 rolls of toilet paper stacked in the bathroom cabinet.

...making a quick and simple meal for my family to share at the end of a busy and productive day with the help of one special little lady (who also happened to be my rather cheerful shopping companion all afternoon). We chatted together as I sliced peppers and she ate grape tomatoes. And as I flipped eggs and toasted english muffins, she asked me continually, "What should I do next, Mama?"

<edit>The aprons are courtesy of Danica. And, yes, Bronwyn's was handmade.</edit>

A Recipe

I tried a new recipe for salmon tonight. My family loves fish, but since I can't afford am too cheap to buy it fresh, I have to find good recipes that make the frozen fillets taste almost as good.

This recipe was a huge hit. Daniel said he's never had fish that tastes so good. Ever.

So I thought I would share it because not only is it delicious, it's easy and pretty healthy, too.

<Edit>I think even people who don't typically like fish would like this recipe. Honestly. So if you're a wife who's been feeling as though she ought to make fish for your husband but can't stand the thought of eating it yourself, use this recipe. At the very least, you'll find it tolerable (unless you're deathly allergic, of course!).</Edit>


Maple Salmon

1/4c maple syrup (must be real syrup, folks)
2T soy sauce
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4tsp garlic salt
1/8tsp ground black pepper
1lb salmon -- or 4 4-oz fillets

1. Mix syrup, soy sauce, garlic, garlic salt, and pepper in a medium bowl.
2. Place salmon in a shallow glass baking dish and pour sauce over. Cover the dish and marinate 30 minutes in the refrigerator, turning once.
3. Preheat oven to 400*.
4. Bake fish uncovered for 20 minutes or until flaky.


I recommend serving it with rice or couscous. So yummy!

Sisters

I love having sisters.

Maybe that's why I'm so glad my girls have each other.

Another Day

This morning, I made a simple chore chart for Gabriel & Bronwyn. Aubrey's arrival and the ensuing busyness is requiring that my children start doing more on their own. I'm glad because I think that my perfectionism would not relinquish control of things like how the bed is made without my hand being forced. It's good for my kids to be a bit more independent and it's good for me to just focus on the things that I really do need to do.

So the charts have begun. (Brings you back, huh D & Beanz?) I'm no artist, but at least my 3- and 4-year-old know what the drawings mean!

After that, Gabriel and I relocated his drum set to a little nook in the upstairs hallway. This spot used to contain shelves with bed linens, but since I got rid of the ridiculously large assortment of random bedsheets I owned and never used, I decided it would make a nice home for his kit. Now we just have to get some cool art work on the walls or something!

This afternoon, while Bronwyn slept and Jackson was off for a hair cut followed by an on-campus cell meeting with Daniel, I made pizza for this evening's meal and macaroni & cheese for one of the nights Daniel is gone this weekend. It was a tricky affair, since Aubrey was fussy much of the time, so Gabriel was employed in the entertainment department. I'm not sure if Aubrey was more entertained or scared, to be honest, but at least I got the food made.

Now that the giant fake spiderwebs have been removed from our neighbor's lawn and I am in the kitchen doing some cooking and baking again, it feels like the holidays can arrive. I'm enjoying the fact that Gabriel is really old enough to grasp a bit about our American heritage this fall as we approach this Thanksgiving.

And, yes, I did write that Jackson went in for a hair cut today. It has been long overdue (since before Aubrey was born!) and he looks much, much improved. You can see in this picture taken two days ago how much of a mullet the poor kid has been sporting (sorry I don't have an "after" picture yet):

I also talked with the doctor today, who was very pleased with Aubrey's weight on Tuesday! In addition, Aubrey's bloodwork results came back indicating slightly higher levels of Digoxin than are necessary, so her dosage has been lowered from .5ml/day to .4ml/day. And since one of the negative side effects of this medicine is appetite suppression, this could mean we won't have to be force-feeding quite so much.

Another thing I think may be contributing to Aubrey's frequent disinterest in eating are some gas issues. Last night she cried (screamed
may be a more appropriate word!) for 40 minutes straight, her back
arched and her legs stiff as boards, while I paced the
house with her. This has become more and more of a pattern with her and I've been realizing over the past week that her fussiness is much more than just normal baby stuff. I've been cutting back on dairy products since dairy is the most common cause of such problems, but as of today I've cut it out entirely. I've also switched from using pretty standard run-of-the-mill bottles to these bottles for the "topping off" that still takes place most feedings. Hopefully all this will increase Aubrey's comfortability within the next week or two, though I know that if dairy is indeed the culprit, it can take more like three weeks to rid my body of it entirely.

I find I'm rambling on here more often than not since Aubrey was born. I'm not sure if this is really as much because I'm updating readers about Aubrey-- though I try to convince myself it is-- as it's because I'm too tired to think many coherent thoughts beyond my very immediate situation. To be honest, it's been seven weeks of not being quite sure how to process.

When I was laying in my bed in the middle of the night after Aubrey's birth, I was frustrated because the drugs I'd been given kept making me lose my train of thought. I felt so frightened by the fact that my newborn daughter was miles and miles away from me in very critical condition but I couldn't even pray the way I wanted to. In the midst of that fear, the Lord gently brought to mind the faces of those who I had seen in the waiting room as I was wheeled in and out of surgery, praying and interceding for Aubrey and me; He reminded me that it is in my weakness that His strength is made perfect.

I've recalled that moment often throughout the past several weeks as I fall short and am very, very weak. The house has been pulled together only when others pull it together for me, the children's hair is often disheveled, there have been no apple pies or pumpkin breads issuing from my oven, I cry a lot and I'm afraid even more.

And still He says that His strength is made perfect.

Here. Now. In this muddled, rambling mess.

He made up my lack on the Cross. He makes up my lack everyday. I'm so, so glad to be His.