Tears

I bake a birthday cake. I fold the laundry. I change a diaper, and then another. I fill sippy cups and I sweep the floor.

But my thoughts are not here.

My thoughts are with those mourning, saying their last farewell to a dearly loved wife, sister, daughter, mother.

Holding hands tightly together, we pray, my small children and I, for the many hearts that are broken.

Bronwyn, tears in her big blue eyes, grappling for comprehension, says, "But, Mama, nobody knows how to do four-year-old little girls' hair except mamas."

And, together, we cry.

There are people all around us who are facing great, great sorrows. Please, let's remember to pray for them.

Another page turned

It's been six years since my first son made his slow but dramatic entrance into the world.

This journey of motherhood has been life-changing and wonderful. And Gabriel has shared every moment of it with me. I do my best to teach him of God and life and being a man of good character, but all the while he is teaching me so much more about motherhood, patience, forgiveness, and grace.

This year, Gabriel has:

:: continued excelling as a drummer. He made his public debut with special music this past fall, first at our local church and then at the church in Pittsburgh we were a part of until moving up north. To say he loved those opportunities is an understatement. The boy is waiting anxiously for the day he gets to play on the worship team.

:: taken on more of an identity has Daddy's Helper. Whenever Daniel has projects now (especially outdoor ones), Gabriel feels very keenly that he ought to be right out there with him.

:: learned to play backyard baseball/wiffleball. He decided he really liked it and is very intent on playing T-ball in the community league this summer!

:: officially started his schooling here at home. He is a great student and a quick learner. I've been enjoying my year of being able to tailor our work to most take advantage of his interests and abilities. And Gabriel loves the Friday Program he attends weekly.

:: participated in his first organized sport: basketball! He is a decent athlete and has grown a lot as a basketball player.

:: his first loose tooth! At first he was very alarmed by it and I realized I hadn't done a very good job of explaining to him that not all loose teeth are a sign of poor tooth care (oops!). After reassuring him that it's all a normal part of growing up, he is now looking forward to the tooth falling out so he can get a surprise under his pillow.

:: grown into a genuine assistant to me here at home. Whenever he's not here, I realize how much he does to help me: emptying the dishwasher, making beds, sweeping the kitchen, putting away laundry, and more. It wasn't that long ago that I felt so very far away from having a child old enough to help. Those years really do go by in the blink of an eye.

We love our Gabriel-boy, with all his quirks and personality and unique abilities, and are so thankful to celebrate another year of God's goodness and faithfulness to him. Happy birthday!

This daily bread

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.

1 Peter 1:3-9

Gabriel and basketball

At the end of January, Gabriel began playing basketball. He'd been waiting a whole year to be old enough to play, and so far the season has more than lived up to his expectations.

He loves it, from the moment they announce him over the speakers to the final buzzer-- and every practice, too. It crushed him to miss a game this weekend due to the flu.

Gabriel's also improving a lot: he's gone from never having really handled a basketball to dribbling well (left-handed, nonetheless!) and actually making baskets in games. I love seeing him using his energy and learning to interact well with others in the context of competition. It's also fun that they reward the kids for Scripture memorization: for the first time in Gabriel's life, there is incentive beyond "Mom and Dad told you to" for good, quick memorization!

Here are a few pictures of his first game:

Soooo excited, but trying hard to "play it cool!"



Gabriel's team: the Hawks. It's comprised of K-1 students.



In action!



How into this is he???

A few of my favorite things

Ever since we renovated our kitchen, I've been wanting to write a blog post about some of the things I really love about it. It's taken longer than I'd planned, but I like to think this will only add to its sincerity.

It probably goes without saying, but I love my kitchen. It has revolutionized my life, especially as a mom. Now my children like playing in that room while I work because there's room for them. (And I don't go nuts with them playing in there because I'm not tripping over them every time I turn around.) Cooking made a hundred times easier aside, that alone would be worth the renovation.

Needless to say, it's a little hard to pick my favorites, but I'll stick with the Top Ten.

*Be forewarned that this is a photo-heavy entry. Also, these Top Ten are in no particular order, other than what came next in the photo album.*

1. First up, I want to highlight one of the things I took for granted my whole life until being a wife for seven years with only two in either kitchen I lived in: drawers! When I told Eric (aka Cabinet Maker/Kitchen Dream Fulfiller) that I wanted a lot of drawers, he told me I could never have enough. In fact, I believe he said that nobody ever regrets putting lots and lots of drawers in their kitchen.

Truth be told, I didn't really care what anybody else felt, I just knew I wanted 'em!

And now I do: seven glorious drawers!

2. Next up is a little something I'd hoped for, didn't think would fit, and that Eric snuck in for me after scrounging for a few spare inches. If you know me, you know it's bliss for me to have this.

And, no, for the record, they're not alphabetically organized.

(They're organized by "type.")

3. Another favorite new feature is the pocket door we had Bill (aka House Overhauler/Big Picture Keeper) install between the dining room and kitchen. Let me tell you, it's already come in really handy, and we've barely scratched the surface.

For example, New Year's Eve when we stayed up really late playing games, we set up a big table in the kitchen and pulled the door shut so the kiddies could sleep undisturbed. Awesome!

As you can see, Aubrey thinks it's pretty cool, too.

4. Out of the 7 wall cabinets, we had Eric make 2 of them with glass fronts. I would have done even more, except that at some point I just had a lot of stuff I didn't exactly want visible to everyone who walks through. You know, like lunch boxes, paper napkins, and baking soda.

All in all, 2 out of 7 is perfect. The glass opens the kitchen up that much more and lets me put out my more attractive things, while still shoving the 5lb bag of sugar behind a door where nobody can see it. Here's one:

5. Okay, now on to appliances. Wow, am I so glad we bought new ones! I can't believe how archaic and, um, dysfunctional some of our old ones were! I feel so blessed that we were able to do this. And that my husband, after choking on the fact that it's actually legal to charge $1000 for something that keeps your food cold, told me we should go for it.

What a guy.

Readers, meet my range, the love of my kitchen life:

Okay, bad second picture. (Man, my photography skills are terrible!)
Still, here I am demonstrating the awesome ability to bake cookies and bread simultaneously. Did I mention that it has 2 separate timers (with the option of delays on both), too?
And the glass cooktop? Yeah, it's a dream. Totally makes up for the disadvantages of cooking with electric.

6. Almost equally as awesome as the range is the refrigerator. It's amazingly huge and comes with all sorts of controls for keeping everything just right.

I love the freezer on the bottom. I was nervous about the pull-out drawer vs. swing-door, but I am completely converted and will never go back. It's so much easier to organize and access, which is especially imperative as long as I only have the one freezer.

And it has an ice maker.

7. And, yes, it's true that our dishwasher isn't anything remarkable. Except that it is! And it doesn't even hook up to the kitchen sink when in use, which might not sound like that big a deal, except that going without the kitchen sink for even an hour is... a pain.

I'm thankful for it, that's for sure. It saves me a great deal of time everyday, especially since I'm one of those people who will wash dishes about once an hour because I can't stand having even a couple dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter.

8. Now, my microwave. Yes, yes! This is the first time since getting married that I've owned a full-size microwave, which is just way cool for leftover nights. I love that it's above the range, saving valuable counterspace. I especially  love that we picked it up for a song and a dance because it was technically last year's model (though not a bit different from this year's, aside from a product number).

9. I have to mention the recessed lighting. Wow! What a difference it's already made! My old kitchen had one little light above the sink and then one fixture in the middle of the room that was so ugly I rarely turned it on. Now I have four recessed lights (one isn't shown in the below picture because it's over the little hutch). Lighting is so important!

10. I cannot say enough about our floors. They are astonishingly amazing.

No, really, pretty much everyone thinks they're about the coolest thing ever. They're not hardwood, but they look it. And I know you're thinking right now that there's no way faux hardwood looks like the real thing. Believe me, I was the most skeptical person out there. In fact, when we realized hardwood was out of the question for us, I was about to go another route entirely: ceramic tile (which I must confess did make me tremble for our water glasses). Then Bill showed us this flooring and, to my surprise, the sample looked... good!? I figured we could get it for now and then replace it down the road whenever we have money for the "real thing." But I don't think we ever will. These floors have won me completely.

It's not laminate: it's even cheaper. It's not hardwood: it's waterproof.

And it looks terrific.

And with that Top Ten, I'll stop gushing.

I promise.

Okay... except that I want to do some highlights of the rest of the space, too. Like, the mudroom/laundry room with the cool little shelves Bill built in for me. And the cathedral ceiling. And the view, which is amazing. But we still have a lot of chipping away to do before it's all finished so, fortunately for you, I think it will be some months before that Top Ten comes your way.

a procedure

I don't think I've taken the time to update all my readers regarding the transesophageal echocardiogram Aubrey's cardiologist recommended we have done when we saw him last December. It's taken a while to move forward with this, but we finally have a plan.

Anyway, rather than try to explain the whole procedure myself, I'm just going to copy excerpts of the letter I received from Dr. Smith (the cardiologist who will do the TEE) that does a much better job than I ever could:

I am writing to confirm my phone conversations with Mrs. Paladin over these first days of February 2009.  Dr. Byrum has presented Aubrey's cardiac tests in our cardiac case conference and we all [the 6 cardiologists at that office] felt that Aubrey should have a transesophageal echocardiogram in order to visualize certain important parts of her heart anatomy.  Specifically, we feel that this test would be the best way to look at the veins that bring blood out of Aubrey's lungs and direct it to the heart.  The exact location of the veins and their entry point to the heart could be very important in deciding what operation is best for Aubrey in the future.

A transesophageal echocargiogram is an echocardiogram that uses the same type of ultrasound that we use for Aubrey's routine echocardiograms in our office.  With this study, however, a smaller echo probe is placed on the tip of a small endoscope.  An endoscope is a tube that can be placed from the mouth down the throat toward the stomach through the esophagus...  When we place this small transesophageal echocardiogram probe down the esophagus, it can take a picture of the heart from the back of the heart in a way that is much clearer than any other echocardiogram.  In particular, it takes very good pictures of the veins coming back from the lung...

I've also spoken with the anesthesia department at Crouse Hospital a couple times now. One of my big concerns was the frequency of Aubrey's breastfeeding needs and whether or not attemping a procedure that requires general anesthesia-- and therefore no food or fluid intake for many hours beforehand-- would be worth the misery it would induce (I wondered if perhaps we should wait several more months until she is nursing less often since it technically isn't an "urgent" procedure). Fortunately, the anesthesia department doesn't consider breastmilk solid (not all anesthesia departments agree on this: some treat it like formula) and so I can nurse her like normal up until 4 hours before the TEE, which is scheduled for March 2nd at 8am at Crouse Hospital.

The risks of anesthesia aren't any greater to her than to a "normal" child. And the risks of the actual procedure (bruising of the back of the throat and perhaps a mild amount of bleeding) are very minimal , especially considering how qualified and experienced Dr. Smith is (my words, not his!).

Keep Aubrey and this procedure in your prayers, if you would. I think the hardest parts for her will be waking up in the morning and not nursing and then being taken from us just before the procedure (neither Daniel or I will be able to go into the OR with her).

And, of course, please continue standing with us in faith for a miracle. We keep believing that one of these times the cardiologists will be astounded to see that Aubrey has a new heart. I wonder to myself if perhaps March 2nd will be the day.

Valentine's Day

Today, tell someone you love that you love them!
It's not trite or cliche; it's an opportunity!

By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.

Tapping into grace

The results from my blood draw are in and my hemoglobin is fine. (I scored 12.9 on a normal range of 12-15.) It's good to know my body is functioning properly, but, boy, was I hoping for an explanation for my 16+ months of sheer exhaustion other than, "You're a mom with four little kids."

It's pretty easy to feel pity for myself. Aside from an occasional blip in the radar, I haven't slept through the night in over six years. Yikes.

But once again, as whenever I think to myself that I really bit off more than I can chew, I am reminded that even though I didn't exactly know what I was signing up for, God did. Sure, I knew sleep would become a prized commodity once I was a mom (I wasn't totally oblivious!), but I really couldn't comprehend going for years without sleeping through the night.

Then again, I couldn't really comprehend a lot of things about motherhood, just like I couldn't comprehend a lot of things about marriage. Just like I couldn't comprehend a lot of things about living my life completely and totally for Jesus, no matter how many people I talked to or how many books I read.

But is it worth it?

Of course!

And that is what keeps me going. And that's what I choose to meditate on. And that's what gets me through difficult nights and days that aren't my own to spend. And that's what helps me realize that the answer isn't just bucking up, but learning afresh to tap into the grace He freely bestows on all who come to Him for help.

Errands

I usually try really hard to do most of my errands on Tuesdays (Daniel's day off) so that I can leave some/all of the kids home while I run around. Unbuckling and re-buckling four car seats multiple times, trying to find restrooms in the most unlikely places for your toddler who has to go, stopping to re-tie shoe laces and re-zip coats and pick up the child who just fell into a puddle in the parking lot, etc. are simply things I prefer avoiding if at all possible.

But today found me with a list of things I had no choice but to take care of, so I told the kids to pull on their rain boots and we were off.

The kids and I tromped through a local drug store to find candy for Valentine's Day, since the larger grocery stores were out yesterday. I told them not to look at what I was buying, but I'm pretty sure they know they're getting M&Ms.

Then we stopped at the lab because I needed to get bloodwork done. I had told my doctor at my annual last week that I have yet to feel like I've gotten my "zip" back since Aubrey's birth and I wondered if my ever-low hemoglobin levels might be the culprit. I almost hope so, because at least then I can do something about it.

I also tried to get Aubrey's bloodwork done in preparation for her upcoming TEE, but they hadn't received the scrip yet from the cardiologists. Bummer.

A quick relatively painless stop at the bread outlet store for some whole wheat wraps, which they didn't have in stock. Yet another bummer.

Then hair cuts for 3 out of 4 kids and a nice eyebrow waxing for me. And, yes, I feel pampered; it works every time.

Finally the post office, only to get inside with all the kids and realize I forgot the package that I was supposed to mail at home. (Abby, you probably don't believe me that it's coming any more, and I don't blame you!) Bummer number three.

The kids did pretty well, all things considered, but getting us all in and out of multiple places takes a lot out of me. Somehow not getting everything crossed off my list feels much more disappointing when I put what feels like so much effort into it all.

But we're home now. And anything I didn't get taken care of will just have to wait until next Tuesday!

This face

She is just too cute.

And I get to spend everyday with her.

I love it!



P.S. This is for you, Abs! Thanks for praying!

breaking up the fallow ground

I guess it all depends on your definition of neglect, but this poor blog has suffered some, it seems to me.

Sometimes the neglect comes in busy seasons when it's hard to find 2 minutes together that aren't already owed to someone or something else. Sometimes the neglect comes in quiet seasons when there just isn't much to say. And then sometimes the neglect comes because there are so many deep areas in one's heart that are being touched by the Holy Spirit that you hardly know how to speak (or write) of them.

There is much going on in me. I find myself wrestling, holding tightly, longing for release and yet scared to let go.

I am being tested. How much can I give? How much can I love?

I think to myself that I am capable of more and so I dream big and put together ambitious plans... only to find myself failing in the little opportunities that are right before me. I purpose to do better tomorrow-- to prove myself faithful-- but all the purposing in the world is not what changes me. He alone can do that.

And He does. Change me.

He is forming and shaping me, lifting my eyes to see the possibilities and tenderly helping me acknowledge the weaknesses; breaking up the fallow ground, the dry and crusty areas of my heart, the bits and pieces of me that have become stubborn and hardened; showing me that His grace extends far enough to reach me and release me, even here.