saying yes also means saying no

I'm not sure if it's simply that I'm a victim of my culture, or that I'm a victim of my own guilt and/or pride, but I have trouble saying, "No." (Let's be honest: I'm probably a victim of both.)

The problem with this is that too many Yes's later, I am either having a personal breakdown or have now got myself a long list people I've let down.

The end of pregnancy is always a very humbling time for me. I literally cannot keep saying, "Yes."

I can't.

And ouch! does it hurt to realize that.

The other day I was telling Daniel tearfully about how I feel like I'm not doing enough here and that I've dropped the ball there and, oh, what about them? and you know what he said to me?

"You've said, Yes, to this baby, Brietta. And that means saying, No, to other things. And that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. It's the way it's supposed to work. You are not infinite in your time, abilities, strength, and energy. It's important to be tangibly reminded of that."

It sounded very reassuring in the moment, but when I have to look someone in the eye and say, "I can't do that, sorry," it's a whole 'nother story. I have learned to just say it, but I feel wracked with guilt, completely insecure, and extremely humbled for days afterwards.

Maybe I'm the only one.

But I've been doing lots of thinking about this concept of saying Yes and saying No and what it really means.

Because sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I can keep adding.

Oh! that's a good idea, let me add that to my day!
So and so needs help? Sure! I'll do it!
Maybe I could ask _______ to do that, but why ask someone to do something that I'm perfectly capable of doing myself; that doesn't seem right!

The truth is that, for the most part in life, none of the things I'm adding are actually so huge that I immediately feel the cost in my time and energy elsewhere. But whether or not I see it right away and for what it is, the bottom line is that for each thing I add, something does get lost.

The investment opportunities abound and even scream at us for our attention, have you noticed? The extra science experiment, the music lessons, the 24-hour soaked grains, the ministry at church that is short on workers, the baby shower here and the bridal shower there, the list of books that are all so appealing and seem so necessary, the one-on-one dates with the kids, the people to invite to dinner, the birthday celebrations, the counseling, the play dates, and on and on and on it goes.

None of them are evil.

But none of them are intrinsically God-for-me either.

And if I fill up my time with the looks-good investments, at some point the God-led investments are suffering and being neglected, and what then have I done to myself and to the ones (and the One) I am trying so very hard to serve?

So these days, as I'm physically and emotionally limited more than usual and am confronted almost instantaneously when I take on too much, I am asking the Lord to teach me an important lesson for always: give me the wisdom to recognize and the perseverance to make the God-led investments and to not be distracted by the looks-good investments. This is something He wants to lead me (and each of us!) very personally in. The God-led investments vary from person to person, and even from season to season. One month obedience requires that I say, "No," to a request or a need; the next it requires that I say, "Yes." There is no formula, no magic equation I can apply to know once and for all where I ought to spend my resources. I have to stay close to the Holy Spirit, and I have to remain sensitive and flexible.

And I must stay always remembering: I am not infinite in my time, abilities, strength, and energy. He alone can be the Source, the Answer, the Enough for each person, each situation, each need.