on my mind

I'm home this morning with baby Claire. She is feverish and has a runny nose and while I suspicion that the cause may be as innocuous as her top teething pushing their way down, I decided to keep her home. I was going to keep Aubrey, too, but she was just devastated at the very thought and so Daniel said he would bring her.

Every time I'm unable to make it to church and some of the children go, I kind of worry the whole time. Daniel always has some sort of responsibility-- whether leading worship or teaching Sunday School or preaching-- and I feel badly that he's juggling so much. Then again, I'm just really glad my little ones so hate to miss a Sunday morning at church. It's a major highlight of their week, and I pray it always will be.

So, yes, Aubrey was sent off with the bigger kids, an extra pair of undies and a second dress along with her. She has been doing very well with potty training, all things considered, and only has had accidents when there are complicating circumstances (like, being at Gabriel's baseball game the other night and the closest bathroom being a bit of a haul from the playground she was busy exploring). I've still been putting a diaper back on her at naptime and bedtime, though I never did that with the others. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you: I'm just too tired and grumpy about the idea of washing bedsheets. Dealing with a wet cloth diaper is a whole lot easier-- and even though half of her diapers have been dry upon getting up, I'm just not in the right frame of mind to risk the other 50%.

Other than worrying that Aubrey is soiling the church floors and stressing her daddy out, I'm enjoying my morning here at home with Claire. She fussed and cried and whined for a good bit, and then she finally nursed and fell asleep. I read and prayed a bit in absolute silence. I mixed up a big batch of bread dough in order to replenish our dwindling bread supply. I ate a bowl of ice cream (shhhh...). And then my baby woke again and needed me.

So here I am.

And just now, as I hold Claire close and she reaches her hand up to grab a fistful of shirt, my breath is taken away. She is my baby. I am her mother. What a gift! I dreamed of this-- this thing called being a mama-- but it is daily bigger and better than anything I could have conjured up in my mind's eye. Sure, it's harder than I ever thought. But really, it's amazing. These little people, full of destiny and promise, ideas and hopes, yet undreamed dreams... they look to me. I'm the one they come home to. I get to be the steady hand, the constant soft place, the ever listening ear.

Such thoughts used to scare me. I remember when Gabriel was born and the many nights when I would just hold him and weep. I loved him so much it hurt. I knew I couldn't be perfect for him-- not the way I wanted to be-- and it broke my heart. I wanted to offer him a safe world, only kind people, perfect parenting.

Maybe it's simply that I'm a little more used to the weight of motherhood now and that's why I smile instead of cry. Or maybe, just maybe, it's simply that I've seen firsthand how God makes up the difference. I don't always make the right choices. I do things the best I can, and even that isn't right some of the time. But I serve a great God who doesn't get it wrong. I can trust Him.

That's not to say it's easy all the time or that I never cry any more. Just this week Daniel and I have seen some ugly things come to the surface in some of our children. Let me tell you (in case you didn't know): selfishness is very unattractive, especially when paired with manipulation, criticism and/or physical aggression. But we remind ourselves that these are opportunities to lean into Him, to dig into His Word and break it open to our little flock, to come alongside and pray together, to offer a firm hand and a loving embrace.

And to trust that He will do what we can only do our best to prepare our children for: reach into their hearts, reveal Himself, change and renew and restore.

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Well, this ended up being quite the stream of consciousness! Kudos to you if you hung in there with me through it all!