I'm not sure if it's simply that I'm a victim of my culture, or that I'm a victim of my own guilt and/or pride, but I have trouble saying, "No." (Let's be honest: I'm probably a victim of both.)
The problem with this is that too many Yes's later, I am either having a personal breakdown or have now got myself a long list people I've let down.
The end of pregnancy is always a very humbling time for me. I literally cannot keep saying, "Yes."
I can't.
And ouch! does it hurt to realize that.
The other day I was telling Daniel tearfully about how I feel like I'm not doing enough here and that I've dropped the ball there and, oh, what about them? and you know what he said to me?
"You've said, Yes, to this baby, Brietta. And that means saying, No, to other things. And that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. It's the way it's supposed to work. You are not infinite in your time, abilities, strength, and energy. It's important to be tangibly reminded of that."
It sounded very reassuring in the moment, but when I have to look someone in the eye and say, "I can't do that, sorry," it's a whole 'nother story. I have learned to just say it, but I feel wracked with guilt, completely insecure, and extremely humbled for days afterwards.
Maybe I'm the only one.
But I've been doing lots of thinking about this concept of saying Yes and saying No and what it really means.
Because sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I can keep adding.
Oh! that's a good idea, let me add that to my day!
So and so needs help? Sure! I'll do it!
Maybe I could ask _______ to do that, but why ask someone to do something that I'm perfectly capable of doing myself; that doesn't seem right!
The truth is that, for the most part in life, none of the things I'm adding are actually so huge that I immediately feel the cost in my time and energy elsewhere. But whether or not I see it right away and for what it is, the bottom line is that for each thing I add, something does get lost.
The investment opportunities abound and even scream at us for our attention, have you noticed? The extra science experiment, the music lessons, the 24-hour soaked grains, the ministry at church that is short on workers, the baby shower here and the bridal shower there, the list of books that are all so appealing and seem so necessary, the one-on-one dates with the kids, the people to invite to dinner, the birthday celebrations, the counseling, the play dates, and on and on and on it goes.
None of them are evil.
But none of them are intrinsically God-for-me either.
And if I fill up my time with the looks-good investments, at some point the God-led investments are suffering and being neglected, and what then have I done to myself and to the ones (and the One) I am trying so very hard to serve?
So
these days, as I'm physically and emotionally limited more than usual
and am confronted almost instantaneously when I take on too much, I am
asking the Lord to teach me an important lesson for always: give
me the wisdom to recognize and the perseverance to make the God-led
investments and to not be distracted by the looks-good investments. This is something He wants to lead me (and each of us!) very personally in. The God-led investments vary from person to person, and even from season to season. One month obedience requires that I say, "No," to a request or a need; the next it requires that I say, "Yes." There is no formula, no magic equation I can apply to know once and for all where I ought to spend my resources. I have to stay close to the Holy Spirit, and I have to remain sensitive and flexible.
And I must stay always remembering: I am not infinite in my time, abilities, strength, and energy. He alone can be the Source, the Answer, the Enough for each person, each situation, each need.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
these days...
... we are about 1/4th of the way through our school year. To be perfectly honest, so far it's been a smashing success and dismal failure all rolled into one. The success part is seeing how much the kids grow and learn and explore despite my own inability to stay as far ahead of them as I'd like to stay. The failure part is me losing my cool with the interruptions from Claire and Elliot and all the times I start to panic that because we're not covering what I planned, it somehow isn't enough.
I'll get it someday.
I hope.
... the gardens are all cut down, the lawn is mowed for the final time, and I have one more dinner planned using the grill before we bring it inside for the winter. The temperatures are fluctuating enough to remind me that fall is quickly coming to an end, and the early darkness that wraps itself around us each evening only confirms what the weather is trying to help me comprehend.
Thanks to Bronwyn's urging, we pulled out the final Thanksgiving decor the other day. It was worth the 30-minute delay to our school morning.
... Daniel is generously letting me catch as much as sleep here and there as can be managed. Most nights find me tossing and turning from about 2-4am, and often I just get up and do something productive during those hours because sleep is so evasive, despite my constant exhaustion.
Hormones.
And so the man gets up every morning he is around to do the 5:30-6:30am shift with Elliot (and an occasional Claire and/or Aubrey) and to let me sleep that extra bit. I come downstairs as the sun is already starting to break through the night sky-- the smell of coffee and the sound of forced air enveloping me-- hug a freshly changed and fed Elliot, and all I can think is: how did I get so lucky?
It seriously brings tears of gratitude to my eyes.
Can I just say that there is nothing about this parenting/motherhood thing that I am doing alone? Daniel is in it every step of the way with me, bearing the burden and easing my load in every way he possibly can. He is the definition of sacrificial leadership.
The definition, I tell you.
... I am realizing what a tablecloth kinda girl I am. If such a kinda girl exists.
I know they're not practical, what with 6 kids who regularly spill food and drink on them. I've tried to convince myself to go without.
But they're pretty. And they're special. And it's not like I can't turn around and get them cleaned within 24 hours of a meal. I do laundry pretty much around the clock.
Tonight, even without Daniel here, I spread out a table before we set the table for dinner and I smiled a happy little smile. It warms my heart. It's often the little things that do, you know.
... the nearness of meeting our newest little one is dawning. December felt so far off that's it really just now occurring to me that even in light of how laid back I tend to be when it comes to baby preparations, there are some things that need to be figured out and settled beforehand.
(I haven't even thought yet to ask the midwife how many people I'm allowed to have at the delivery, for example.)
With a family wedding and Thanksgiving between now and then, the end of November doesn't look like it will afford much time for settling, so today I began with the simplest, at-home stuff.
I hoisted my too-large self up the trap-door attic ladder and crawled around a too-small crawl space, retrieving the bassinet and bouncy seat. I pulled out the infant clothing and blankets and got them washed. Gabriel helped me move a dresser from the guest room/Elliot's room to my bedroom so that I could fill it with said clothes and blankets. I ordered some diapers and started looking online at infant car seats to replace our expired one.
... I'm thinking more and more about my baby sister's upcoming wedding. I had my hair colored and trimmed yesterday and today I assessed the clothing situation for the 8 people I am responsible for making sure look decent on the special day. It's a little over 2 short weeks away.
Unbelievable!
She was just a little girl yesterday, you know.
... we've been talking as a family about idolatry. Anyone/thing I look to as savior besides Jesus. We have been evaluating, taking hard looks at our hearts, asking the Lord to make us wholly and completely His, reminding ourselves that He is the only way.
Not that event. Not that food. Not that possession. Not that relationship. Not that feeling. Not that argument. Not that reputation.
Nothing but Jesus.
And we've been talking about what a gift repentance is. Oh! it seems hard in the moment. Sometimes harder than others.
But it sets us free.
Those words that shouldn't have been spoken.; that attitude that soured the moment; the selfish pursuits, the unkindness, the ugly ulterior motives, the idolatry that caused us to run to someone or something else when we felt trapped or hopeless or despairing or in need of renewal; these things that so easily beset and bind us up: we bring them into the light, we call them what they are, we ask for forgiveness-- His and others-- and we are set free.
Bit by bit, moment by moment, He sets us free. Free to choose Him.
And He never, ever, ever fails or disappoints. He is better. Always better.
I'll get it someday.
I hope.
... the gardens are all cut down, the lawn is mowed for the final time, and I have one more dinner planned using the grill before we bring it inside for the winter. The temperatures are fluctuating enough to remind me that fall is quickly coming to an end, and the early darkness that wraps itself around us each evening only confirms what the weather is trying to help me comprehend.
Thanks to Bronwyn's urging, we pulled out the final Thanksgiving decor the other day. It was worth the 30-minute delay to our school morning.
Pinterest-inspired chalkboard art, dried lantern flowers, a banner made with my friend and neighbor Nancy 6 years ago, favorite figurines, candles and candles and candles,.
... Daniel is generously letting me catch as much as sleep here and there as can be managed. Most nights find me tossing and turning from about 2-4am, and often I just get up and do something productive during those hours because sleep is so evasive, despite my constant exhaustion.
Hormones.
And so the man gets up every morning he is around to do the 5:30-6:30am shift with Elliot (and an occasional Claire and/or Aubrey) and to let me sleep that extra bit. I come downstairs as the sun is already starting to break through the night sky-- the smell of coffee and the sound of forced air enveloping me-- hug a freshly changed and fed Elliot, and all I can think is: how did I get so lucky?
It seriously brings tears of gratitude to my eyes.
Can I just say that there is nothing about this parenting/motherhood thing that I am doing alone? Daniel is in it every step of the way with me, bearing the burden and easing my load in every way he possibly can. He is the definition of sacrificial leadership.
The definition, I tell you.
... I am realizing what a tablecloth kinda girl I am. If such a kinda girl exists.
I know they're not practical, what with 6 kids who regularly spill food and drink on them. I've tried to convince myself to go without.
But they're pretty. And they're special. And it's not like I can't turn around and get them cleaned within 24 hours of a meal. I do laundry pretty much around the clock.
Tonight, even without Daniel here, I spread out a table before we set the table for dinner and I smiled a happy little smile. It warms my heart. It's often the little things that do, you know.
... the nearness of meeting our newest little one is dawning. December felt so far off that's it really just now occurring to me that even in light of how laid back I tend to be when it comes to baby preparations, there are some things that need to be figured out and settled beforehand.
(I haven't even thought yet to ask the midwife how many people I'm allowed to have at the delivery, for example.)
With a family wedding and Thanksgiving between now and then, the end of November doesn't look like it will afford much time for settling, so today I began with the simplest, at-home stuff.
I hoisted my too-large self up the trap-door attic ladder and crawled around a too-small crawl space, retrieving the bassinet and bouncy seat. I pulled out the infant clothing and blankets and got them washed. Gabriel helped me move a dresser from the guest room/Elliot's room to my bedroom so that I could fill it with said clothes and blankets. I ordered some diapers and started looking online at infant car seats to replace our expired one.
A whole lot of white and a little pink and a little blue so that we're ready for whoever this baby is!
... I'm thinking more and more about my baby sister's upcoming wedding. I had my hair colored and trimmed yesterday and today I assessed the clothing situation for the 8 people I am responsible for making sure look decent on the special day. It's a little over 2 short weeks away.
Unbelievable!
She was just a little girl yesterday, you know.
... we've been talking as a family about idolatry. Anyone/thing I look to as savior besides Jesus. We have been evaluating, taking hard looks at our hearts, asking the Lord to make us wholly and completely His, reminding ourselves that He is the only way.
Not that event. Not that food. Not that possession. Not that relationship. Not that feeling. Not that argument. Not that reputation.
Nothing but Jesus.
And we've been talking about what a gift repentance is. Oh! it seems hard in the moment. Sometimes harder than others.
But it sets us free.
Those words that shouldn't have been spoken.; that attitude that soured the moment; the selfish pursuits, the unkindness, the ugly ulterior motives, the idolatry that caused us to run to someone or something else when we felt trapped or hopeless or despairing or in need of renewal; these things that so easily beset and bind us up: we bring them into the light, we call them what they are, we ask for forgiveness-- His and others-- and we are set free.
Bit by bit, moment by moment, He sets us free. Free to choose Him.
And He never, ever, ever fails or disappoints. He is better. Always better.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Baby Bear
Four years ago she entered our world: soft, sweet, mild-tempered, easy.
Even her actual delivery was easy. At about 11pm on October 31st, the doctor told me following a non-stress test (I had gone in with some unusual bleeding two hours earlier, but I was not in labor as far as I could tell!) that he wasn't leaving the hospital because he was certain the baby was coming and coming soon, and that I shouldn't leave either. I scoffed and protested and whined to Daniel that I just wanted a good night's sleep in my own bed.
Wouldn't you know, at 1:19am Claire Evangeline was born, dimpled and chubby and healthy and just perfect in every way.
She slept 5+ hours at night from the first night we were home. I tell you: easy. She has been a delight, a healing, a source of affection, and a riot everyday since we first met her.
Tonight we celebrated her with Nana, Aunt Camilla, Merrick, brothers and sisters, and special friends (Benny and Mrs. Whalen, specifically!). Between some sniffles and coughs, she indulged in the requested chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, opened gifts, and played well past her normal bedtime.
Our very own Baby Bear. We couldn't love her more!
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