little graces

This has been a doozy of a week month. I am in a constant state of feeling behind, having to pull back, being certain I'm in over my head, losing my cool, and crying. Blame it on hormones, blame it on anemia, blame it on homeschooling, blame it on busyness, blame it on what you will: at the end of most each of these days, while I'm too tired to even figure it out, I'm not too tired to fall into bed, cry some more, and think, I don't want my kids to remember these days as frenzied, harried, unpleasant days. Jesus, help me tomorrow!

We have been in survival mode and as much as I'd like to think that would simplify things enough to bring some accompanying peace, it hasn't worked as well as I'd like. And when I was reading a book to my littlest ones the other night, Claire asked me very sincerely, "Mom, do you even know how to make cookies?" and I realized how long it's been since I took time for many extras. It just about broke my heart.

Combine those types of prayers, those sorts of realizations, and my melancholy disposition, and you get a mama who is frequently convinced that she is ruining her children's lives.

(I'm not dramatic at all when it comes to self-analysis. Ha.)

About a week ago, though, I felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit, the reminder to start taking pictures again. Not because I'm a good photographer. (I'm not.) But so that I can see again. See the everyday things, the moments that sneak in when I least expect them, the small provisions that remind me of His love, the little graces woven throughout my day by the One who holds it all together.

Peace, after all, isn't a certain amount of order, productivity, or accomplishment. Peace is a Person. A Person who has made Himself present in my reality, who has chosen to be close to the weak. There is tremendous comfort to be found in this, and when I stop long enough to let it soak into my heart, I find that I can look around again and overflow with how abundantly rich each day is.

 Stolen leaf fun on a busy day.

This man coming to my rescue with finishing a job that I just didn't have time for... again.

 Beauty all around me.

All around me.

 Meals that keep getting made I don't know how. Honestly, each evening when we sit down at the table, I'm not quite certain where the energy for even the simple offerings (I am rocking the one-pot meals these days!) came from, except to say that most afternoons when I am sure I just don't have another ounce to give, Jesus supplies and the veggies get chopped and the meat gets browned and the rice gets cooked and the table gets set and the candles get lit and--just wow-- thanks, Lord, for meeting me in the very, very basic moments of life.

Big sister and little sisters and precious memories being made.

Tenacious little blooms hanging on even as I cut down the dead plants and rake out the gardens.

Reminders that even if we're not getting as much math done as I'd hoped, and even though the last science experiment was a flop, and even despite the constant interruptions in our schooling thanks to the busy 18-month-old, they are learning and they are growing and they are discovering-- again, all thanks to Him and the curiosity He deposits in their little minds and no thanks to me.

A promise kept from generation to generation, testifying of the goodness and holiness and graciousness of my God.

Friends who love on and invest in and encourage my kids.

Beautiful apples at a cheaper-than-expected price and the best kind of help in putting up jars and jars of applesauce for the long winter months ahead.

The privilege of homeschooling these kiddos. I am so, so, so, so thankful that I get to be the one sharing in their daily discoveries, struggles, accomplishments, and growth-- and I do not take it for granted!

Finding time to bake an apple crisp and to include this special, growing-too-fast girl in the process so she can know for sure that, yes, even Mama knows how to make something special every once in a while!

Dinners with the ones I love. Even though the food is simple and although mealtime can't always include that favorite face at the opposite end of the table, we laugh and we break bread and we gladly scarf down every bite because, well, this family can eat.

Chipping away and halfway there in one quick afternoon. Gratitude for when tasks go more quickly and effortlessly than usual.