He will keep us

In my kitchen, I have a garland of Scripture verses printed out. Some of them I've put to memorization, others are simply there to catch my eye, both with the hope that more Word will sink deep into my heart and the fibers of my being.

A few weeks ago, this one caught my eye.

I am not a brave person. There have been many mornings in my life when it has all seemed too hard and I desperately want an escape. I bury deep under the covers and I beg for this cup to be taken, for Him to come quickly and just get me out. The flight in me wins over the fight every single time.

Right now, I am facing another situation that brings that inclination to the surface. Perhaps I will write about it soon, but suffice it to say, I have asked over and over and over again that it just be different-- and instead of being different, it just seems to continue.

And so as I looked up from my eggs and vegetables recently, I read these words and tears came quickly.

I do not ask that you take them out of the world,
but that You keep them from the evil one.

You know that feeling of being buoyed by the prayers of another? Suddenly my heart was flooded with the realization that Jesus was praying for me, for me in my present distress, for my heart and my life, for my faith. He knew that at times I would want an escape, that I would want quick deliverance and fast answers, and He knew that there would be days when I would want out of this world with its present-day angst and agonies.

...keep them...

Those two words, over and over and over again in my heart. The knowledge that Jesus made this petition on my behalf. The reality that it has not been left to me to keep myself, but that He will do it for me. He hasn't asked that I be taken out, but He has asked that the God of the universe, the One who holds all in the palm of His hands, keep me from the evil one. He hasn't asked me to fight for myself; He has fought the fight for me.

I don't know what you're facing today. I don't know what private tears you cry, what unanswered prayers you're praying, what loss or grief you're enduring. But I know that the same Lord who prayed this prayer on my behalf prayed it on yours, and He is able to do what He says He will do.

He is able to keep us.

our Christmas

The end of 2014 came as quickly as its beginning. January first found me with such a bittersweet aching in my heart. I felt excited for what lies ahead-- for fresh beginnings and new endeavors, for what God will do and for how He will grow and teach me-- and yet sorrowful for the moments that were gone before my heart had fully learned to appreciate and give thanks in and for them. Being the idealist I am, I often struggle against time, desperately wanting to hang on until I get it right. This process of walking in His grace, of learning that His strength is perfected in my weakness, is one that I am very much still in the midst of.

So the celebration of the passing of time is an important thing for me. To look back and see that although it wasn't perfect, it was life and it was real and it was good because God was present is an absolutely necessary habit.

And indeed, it was a lovely month, our December.

We halted most all our normal school studies in favor of educational activities like baking cookies, writing letters, reading special books, choir practices, and hosting parties.

Dozens and dozens of cookies, I tell you! For our family to have a couple cookies following dinner means we plow through 1-1/2 dozen cookies in one sitting. This doesn't include the couple dozen cookies brought to this party, and then to that event, and then to yet another celebration. Rum logs, gingerbread boys and angels and snowmen, chocolate dipped butter cookies (my personal favorite), and peanut butter blossoms with both milk and dark chocolate kisses. For our CFC Potsdam leadership Christmas party I even took the time to make pecan tassies, which was a recipe I was first introduced to by Daniel's grandma 13 years ago when I was a young bride.

And parties, oh my! In one 4-day span, we had Oliver's first birthday, then the leadership Christmas party, and then a Nutcracker Party for my girls. Such fun to have our home filled with people and candles and laughter and special foods.

There was lingering by the tree and favorite cheesy holiday movies and feasting on special foods, including cupcakes for breakfast because if not at Christmas time, when?

The four oldest kids and I had the special opportunity to sing in a cantata our church put on in mid-December. We had twice weekly practices in which I donned my coat and gloves and Daniel stayed home with the three youngest and I sang for an hour and half or more. It was good to dust off the altogether-rusty sight reading skills and to be part of a big choir again, but most of all I loved the car rides with the kids as we talked about a whole host of things.

There was also the children singing the last Sunday before Christmas with the rest of the junior church kids. I always love seeing everyone dressed festively! And I'm so thankful for the wonderful people who invest so much into these young ones each and every week.

As is tradition, just before Christmas the kids exchange names and we do a family shopping trip especially for them to buy gifts for each other. These are simple gifts, no more than $7 in value, but their delight in choosing something for another always melts my heart. They are really getting the joy of giving and frequently this year confided to me that they were more excited to give their gift than to open any of their own.

Christmas Eve dinner has become ours to host each year for the family (even last year, when Oliver was only 8 days old!) and I really wouldn't trade it for the world. There's a simplicity to it (the menu has been set as long as I can remember!) and yet anticipation is about as high as it comes right around 3pm the day before Christmas! The best of every world, if you ask me. We set the tables for 30, plus a highchair and a baby in arms. We roll meatballs and chop veggies. And mostly we are excited, excited, excited!

This year we had the privilege of some guests from Armenia who were staying with my parents joining us for the meal, and they stuck around for an hour after most everyone else needed to leave to prepare for the Candlelight Service. They took a family picture for us after we'd cleaned up and dressed for our own departure to the church and I couldn't have felt more blessed by this simple act, which gave us our first good Christmas Eve photo in... well... maybe ever!

Of the 48 hours that are Christmas Eve [Day] and Christmas Day, the Candlelight Service at church will perhaps always be my favorite tradition. It doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't have to be seamless, it doesn't have to have flawless sound engineering or singing or sharing. It just has to be an opportunity for me to take a deep breath between a houseful of guests and the busyness that lies yet ahead before I can go to sleep for the night, an opportunity to remember the Why of all we are doing and to be overcome by the Good News, each and every year, for it to be incredibly meaningful to me.

Jesus came to make a way. During a season when I am even more deeply aware of my inadequacies and imperfections, this message means all the more!

We light candles and sing Silent Night, Holy Night and O, Come Let Us Adore Him and such peace, such gratitude, such acute awareness of His generosity poured out on us who are so unworthy overwhelms me, and I can hardly believe I am the recipient of this kind of love.

And just as quickly we blow out the candles and the overhead lights are turned back on and we are calling out Merry Christmas! and giving last hugs and donning coats and reminding overly wound up children to stay nearby so we don't lose one in the bustling crowd of people who are all trying to leave at the same time!

Once home, the children hurry into their Christmas pajamas, given to them on December first, while I arrange a plate of cookies and make homemade eggnog (our first year to make it with eggs from our very own chickens, so that was fun!) to be enjoyed around the tree before they exchange their gifts to one another. The conversation, of course, revolves around which kind of Christmas cookie is the favorite, and they all feel quite the experts on the subject by this time in the season!

We conclude this time by reading the Christmas story once more. My mom gave us a beautifully illustrated book that tells the story using the King James Version a few years ago and it has become one of my most treasured Christmas books. If you don't have a nice illustrated book that tells the story of Jesus' birth, I highly recommend this one!

This year we kept gifts simple. Stockings had new water bottles and toothbrushes and bandaids and chapstick-- things necessary and yet received gladly, and for that I am thankful. I quickly filled stockings and Daniel assembled the one gift that couldn't easily be wrapped and then I set the table for breakfast the next morning.

That night, Elliot seemed to come down with a bit of a mystery fever. No other symptoms, but it was enough that the next morning he laid on the couch while all the hub-bub took place around him.

Christmas Day is always a blur of activity. Stockings and gifts and games and a special breakfast and phone calls. We joined my family at Mom and Dad's in the afternoon and celebrated more. Thanks to Mom and her amazing gift-giving ability, there were even new clothes for the adults to wear on this special day!

Following Christmas we prepared for Daniel's parents, brother, sister-in-law, and two nephews to be in the North Country for several days. We concluded 2014 and ushered in the New Year with them, as well as with Daniel's sister and her family who live up here, having lots of fun: games, outdoor play, bowling, the movies, and more. It was fun to have all the cousins on the Paladin side together-- 14 in all!

It's in looking back that I find myself stirred for what lies ahead. Not because I see my failures and want to do better, but because I see God's faithfulness and am certain I will see it again.