out of commission

It's a slow morning for me around here. I feel more pregnant-sick today than I have any day yet this pregnancy, which makes little sense since I'm 15 weeks along and should be "beyond" this based on my past history and even how I've been feeling the past few weeks, but reality often has little to do with predictions or shoulds.

Oddly enough, my house is humming along exactly as usual without me steering a thing. This is a relatively new and still rather strange phenomenon for me.

Gabriel made oatmeal while Bronwyn helped Claire get ready for the day and Jackson and Aubrey had their quiet times.
They all ate breakfast, older ones helping/feeding younger ones, and then those on meal duty cleaned up while the others got to their daily chores.
I managed to get some laundry rolling so that now there are rooms being dusted, bathrooms being cleaned, machines cleaning dishes and clothes, and a vacuum being run.

For years, I knew hoped this day would come. Here it is, and I'm feeling quite amazed. Sometimes the fruit that is ripening right before my eyes goes unnoticed-- probably because I've been staring at it for so many years wondering when the tree would produce that I've missed many of the subtle changes taking place-- but then there are times like this when I think, "No, it's not all perfect. Yes, the glass usually seems half empty to me. True, we had a major character/attitude setback just a day or two ago. Honestly, this moment could vanish before I finish typing this sentence. But right now, right here, is a good reminder that patience and investment and training does produce in time."

I'm sure I'm a little done in from an out-of-the-house weekend followed by an all-day trip to Syracuse yesterday for Aubrey's cardiology appointment. I haven't gone the last few times, but with more questions on my mind than Daniel felt he could accurately remember and translate to the cardiologist on his own, a graciously-granted last minute request to my mom to watch 4 of the kids resulted in Elliot and I joining Daniel and Aubrey for the familiar trek down and back.

We found out at Aubrey's appointment that this morning is actually when the cardiologists had scheduled to pow-wow about Aubrey, following her MRI a little less than a month ago. They continue to discuss and debate two options for her, but have yet to come to a unanimous decision about which route to go. Both options involve open heart surgery, but the question is which of two types of surgery to do and how many stages should they plan for. We had the opportunity to talk very frankly about both possibilities and to hear directly from Aubrey's cardiologist the different risks associated with them, with multiple stages, etc. They are many and they are real and we are praying for wisdom for them even right now and for a word from the Lord for us as we proceed.

("Don't you wish you could be a fly on the wall in their conference?" Daniel whispered to me as we walked out of the office. Without a doubt, I do!)

The doctor suggested that whenever we hear from them about their decision that we set up a time to go to Strong Memorial, where they are recommending Aubrey have surgery, to tour the facility and meet with their pediatric cardiology surgeon. In addition, they will help us get a second opinion and recommend that we plan to go either to Boston or CHOP. I feel very blessed that the top two highest ranking pediatric cardiology hospitals in the country are within easy driving distance.

We were also told that they rarely do open heart surgery during the winter months unless absolutely necessary (makes sense), and since Aubrey is not in an emergency situation, we can most likely plan on the fall or spring.

Aubrey, of course, loved her appointment-- as always. They all treat her like royalty (I truly do love their practice) and she delights in their questions and interest and pampering. It was fun to spend the day together, just the four of us, and this morning Aubrey's "thankful" at the breakfast table was for such a special day yesterday. God has fashioned her with a remarkable resilience and courage that has really made all the appointments and tests and procedures over the years a simple and even peaceful process. We have much to be thankful for in that!

But yes, today is recovery day for this mama! It is damp and dreary this morning, which seems altogether fitting for laying low and reading books and ignoring the overgrown lawn and the weeds that threaten to take over what an annoying family of rabbits has actually left untouched in the vegetable garden and the flower bed that is still half-buried by the neighbor's tree that fell over 10 days ago in a windstorm.

Despite feeling a lot sick, a little helpless, and very much not in control after a day like yesterday, I am perhaps more aware this morning of how truly I am not in the driver's seat all the time. I watch my children very capably do the things that somehow I think they absolutely need me for and am reminded that I am not indispensable. I listen to cardiologists talk of things like the risks of adjustment to major heart surgery and heart transplants and relatively untried procedures and am reminded that my feeble attempts at protecting and shielding are just that: feeble.

It's not such a bad place, really. Not when I know the trustworthiness of the One who really is in control, who goes before and stands behind and hems me in!