one thing I do know

Eleven-going-on-twelve years ago I embarked as a nineteen-year-old girl on the journey of wife and homemaker. Ten-going-on-eleven years ago I became a mom. I still feel like a newbie in every way, shape, and form and-- depending on who I talk to and in the grand scheme of things-- I'm still pretty certain that I am! But I've also been doing it now for more than just a month or two, and there are times when I am acutely aware of that in a "Wow!" way.

It's a journey, you know. Most days don't feel like "Aha!" breakthrough sorts of days. But over time, when I look back and survey these years-- in some ways long, in other ways nothing more than the blink of an eye-- I see how much the Lord has taught me. I see how things I would have been afraid to try when I first started out I now do on a regular basis with no second thought or bit of trepidation. I see areas that I used to be convinced I would always struggle in are now relegated to the past.

This is not a testimony to me at all, but entirely to the nature of growth and and change and how God brings me from one place to another, mostly so gently that I don't even realize it's happening.

He will feed His flock like a shepherd;
He will gather the lambs with His arm,
And carry them in His bosom,
And gently lead those who are with young.

I remember starting out, just trying my best to mimic what I had seen my own mother do, closely watching and observing others, and feeling incredibly awkward and hopeless in my attempts to do what they did in what seemed so effortless and so natural a way. I ruined many meals and the ones that weren't ruined were often simply sustenance and not a whole lot beyond (learning to cook for two instead of eleven was a curveball I hadn't seen coming). I isolated myself too much, cried even more, and in the midst of my ineptitude saw in a whole new way how gracious and kind and patient God is toward me. I botched keeping the whites white and I left berries in the freezer so long they were ruined with freezer burn and I said spiteful things to my husband and I basically went without sleep for nine months because I didn't know what else to do with my clingy firstborn.

Figuring out how to communicate with Daniel; discovering how to console a crying baby and when to be okay that I can't; uncovering a few keys to making home and work and church all be prioritized in a harmonious way for us; having my first disciplinary-meltdown in which I called Daniel completely certain that our child was hopelessly bent toward sin (now there's a revelation...!); realizing that seasons change as fast as I've figured out which one we're in; planting the garden and making the homemade jam and navigating the doctors' appointments and completing the first day of homeschooling; making it through financial oopsies and droughts; drawing on the Holy Spirit for forgiveness for him and for them and for myself; having our first just us Christmas morning and feeling amazed that we were a family; wrestling with the Lord about the things He's asking of me; soothing feverish foreheads and sitting at a NICU and PICU bedside; learning how to give hospitality when it felt like there was nothing to give; offering up my time and affections and interests and body to uncover a life far better than one I ever could have dreamed of.

I'm still learning so much. There are hurdles and mountains that I face today that I didn't even know existed yesterday. And everyday still doesn't feel like "Aha!" breakthrough sorts of days, but the sum total of them all is nothing short of "Aha!" breakthrough.

Not once has God required something of me that was beyond His strength, beyond how He has crafted me, beyond what brings life more abundant-- and not once will He.

As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him.
For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.

Eleven-going-on-twelve years later I do still feel like a newbie in every way, shape, and form.

But standing here, looking back on eleven-going-on-twelve years, I do know one thing: whatever path the Lord has you on is one rich with green pastures and still waters if you will trust Him. Today may feel dry and tomorrow may not feel much different, but as you lean into Him and obey His promptings and urgings, you will find over time that, indeed, the ways of the Lord are sweet and pure and true and better.

And it will build in you faith and confidence for tomorrow and every day thereafter.

 The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.