I just really, really love You

Digging a little deeper these days. Finding there is grace to do more than I ever thought. Have harder conversations. Pray more. Fit in that extra need. Stay awake one more hour. It shouldn't be an easy burden, but when we get it springing from the right well, the right motivation, it somehow is.

Still... sometimes-- a lot of times-- I want to be overwhelmed.

Just last night, I sit by my son's bedside as he cries and cries and repeatedly tries to get up and I think to myself how tired I am and how long this day has been and I so badly want to calculate how many years I have been doing this very routine, but I know to stop before I even begin, because even if I measure the years of giving that are behind me, the ones ahead stretch out further and scarier. Instead, I put my hands on both his cheeks and he tries to push them away; he is crying messy tears and he is angry with me. But I just put them back and say, "Oh Oliver... I love you. I just really, really love you."

I say it for him.

I say it for me.

I say it for Him.

I say it because at the end of the day, I have cooked and I have taught and I have broken up disputes and I have sinned and I have said too much and I have said too little and I have reached out and I have kept to myself, but You know, Lord, that I love You. You know, Lord, that I'm doing this thing called life for You. Often wrong. Often messing it all up. But I'm trying. Because I love You, Jesus. I just really, really love You.

And the truth is He loves first and He loves best and He gives grace to take that deep breath again, to teach, to try, to repent, to give.

I've been thinking lots about that broken and contrite spirit, the one He doesn't despise. I've been thinking about how too often I want to hide the brokenness, retreat from Him in my frailty, when I ought to be pouring it all out before Him. I ought to be letting Him make beauty from my ugly ashes. I ought to be letting Him show His glory through and in spite of this earthen vessel.

So I lay it all out again. Right in the tough moments, the ones I don't have the answers for, the ones I'm certainly not wise enough to understand, the ones I am pretty sure I'd rather shrink back from.

And He gives grace.

I want to hold back the loaves and fishes I have, embarrassed by how meager they are in relation to how great the need.

But He gives grace.

And so I give it, not because I think it is anything good or wonderful-- I know it's not-- but because You know, Lord, that I love You. I just really, really love You.

the kitchen, part II

In the past month, the kitchen has come a long way! From gutted walls and sketches on paper, to something that really does feel on the precipice of lived in.

While the drywall crew was busily making the rest of the house look good again after we'd torn everything out to add insulation, the kitchen walls sat sadly blank. This is because I'd had my heart set on replacing some old shiplap and, well, Daniel spoils me.

A brutally late night resulted in shiplap on the kitchen walls (and behind where the wood stove goes, as well):

the cooktop wall, with the doorway to the dining room

the sink wall, with the window and door into the mudroom

the wood stove corner, with all the old beams plastic'd for priming!

Once the shiplap was all installed and the walls primed and then painted, it was time to lay the floors in the kitchen area so that room would be ready for the cabinet installation. When we'd pulled up the linoleum and subfloor (both layers) in the kitchen, we'd found that there weren't the same wide plank floors in there. We were so blessed to be able to order eastern pine from a local friend/wood expert for a fraction of the cost we were finding elsewhere. He delivered the flooring to us-- all 12-18" wide boards that look incredibly like what is in the rest of the house-- and we couldn't be happier with it.

The flooring arrives!

Another late night following basketball practice for kids-- this time one I was not part of and that several friends all pitched in on instead!-- resulted in being ready just in the nick of time for the cabinets!

Old boards, all irregular and not tongue-and-groove make for a more tedious installation, but Daniel and crew persevered and it really does match the rest of the house. In fact, my mom stopped in the other day and mistook them for original floorboards. Mission accomplished.

The cabinets were made right here in the North Country by a wonderful friend and his crew. He is a top-notch cabinet maker and businessman, full of integrity and excellence. On top of that, he brought his boys to help install, which is always inspiring to Daniel and I. They're a hard-working family!

The first cabinets are brought in. Drywall expert and old neighbor stopped in to "supervise". ;)

How many 13-year-olds do you know who can help install custom cabinetry? I was impressed!

Mid-process, but coming along! And perhaps the best picture I have right now of the whole space. This shot is taken from the open-concept family room. Dining room through the doorway. Mudroom to the right.

Who's excited about two ovens? *raising both hands*

Hardware, crown, and shelf installed. The countertops are maple. Hardware is a mix of oil-rubbed bronze pulls/latches/knobs and painted wood knobs. The sink will hopefully be installed soon; it's an inexpensive farmhouse sink from Ikea that I had in our old kitchen, too, and loved so much I wanted to get it again.

Edited to add:

The past week or two this whole process of moving/renovating has started to feel l o n g (and in other arenas life has also felt, well, bumpy). I'm ready to be in my own home again! But the truth is, I'm super blessed. And sometimes I have to step back and make a record/tally up the blessings in my life. The work taking place in this wonderful new-to-us home, largely by my sacrificial husband, is just one of the many ways I see God's provision. Thanks for letting me bring you in on the process and for being listeners with whom I can count the thousands upon thousands of ways I am cared for!

everyday days

These past few months have been strange ones. The days seem eerily long in that as we cram more and more into each one, we look back and wonder, "Is it possible that it was only a week ago that _______?!" On the other hand, they are a blur of activity that means we are perpetually running short on time.

How can both be true?

I try my best to enjoy each day, even though there's this constant sense of when we're resettled in the back of my mind. In my head, when I packed all those boxes up in early November, I thought I'd have unpacked them by now. Delays in closing plus some expected-yet-unexpected expansion to the project list means we are running behind our hoped-for schedule. This doesn't come as a surprise, but just because it was somewhat predicted doesn't mean it's any easier. I am homeschooling from the hip, minus simple comforts like shelves of books that I've acquired over the years, maps, plenty of toys to keep the little boys entertained, reliable internet access, and having things set up for us. It was an adjustment at first, an adventure in the middle, and now just seems to be challenging.

Or maybe that's the February blues talking.

I'm not sure.

But it's good to step back and remember that-- despite what can easily feel like an uphill battle if we let it to be present, to enjoy the process, to sow well, to remember what God said-- these are good, good days.

Some simple everyday pleasures I've been given:

Claire-Bear is easy to teach. She plows through her books and is pretty much perfectly pleasant the entire time. She proudly completed her kindergarten math book and is now well into her 1st grade book.

The weather is weird this year and snow is very hit-or-miss, but mostly the kids get outside every single day and burn off some energy. And for the first time in her little 8-year-old life, Aubrey is out there with them the ENTIRE time.

Gabriel is holding down the fort more and more for me. Along with Bronwyn's exceptional help, he feeds, clothes, changes, and puts to bed so I can attend weddings and prayer meetings, go grocery shopping, help at the new house, and slip down to the local bakery/coffee shop to meet someone here and there. And he sends me picture updates like the one above the entire time, which is cute and fun and comforting.

No small thanks to the weird/mild weather, these girls have been laying eggs at a prolific rate this winter. When I don't know what to cook and there isn't time for much, there is always a surplus of eggs. What relief!

The Upward Basketball season is underway and we are all grateful for the opportunity to compete in an edifying environment, burn off some pent-up energy, and visit with friends!

This girl bounded out when her name was announced at her very first basketball game with all the vigor of a healthy heart!

Five lost teeth! She gets so excited about each one. I love having little ones in the home!

Just when I was feeling like I've not been doing well at giving and overseeing writing assignments this school year, I told the kids to choose their topic for a final report after our ancient Egypt study and I cringed to see the results. Two days later, they handed them to me, written out neatly and with proper punctuation and even some illustrations and poetry at the end for flare and I could feel my mama-heart cry with a reminder that it's not about me anyway. I do my best (and sometimes, I admit, not even that), but God is the One who promises to make up my lack every single day. And He does. So faithfully!

a renovation update

For those wondering how things are progressing with the house, here's a quick update to say stuff is happening, but we're still a ways out from being able to move in. Our original hope was to be in around February 1, but with the house closing getting delayed by 2 weeks, our new goal is sometime around Valentine's Day. We're cautiously optimistic that we can do it, but having done the renovation thing enough times around, we know there are no guarantees.

Since my last update, there came confirmation that the family room floor needed to be rebuilt from the ground up. It sent Daniel into a bit of a panic mode since that room was also where the drywall crew needed to be working-- and with the dimensions of the family room being 27'x19', he knew it wouldn't be a quick job.

After the old floor was torn out

Last weekend, thanks to hours of help from the ever-ready Josh McGrath, the header and joists were all built and installed. One of the added benefits of tearing the old floor out was that it allowed for a moisture-barrier plastic to be put down and to seal it up with spray foam insulation, which should make that room a lot more snug/warm.

New header and joists, moisture barrier, and spray foam insulation

New subfloor!

You can see all the exposed old beams. My favorite is the far left portion of the family room, beyond that support post. The previous owners had a table there, and I plan to use the space for our school table, too. We ended up vaulting the ceiling in that portion of the room in order to fully expose part of the post and beam structure. If you don't love old houses, the thrill of this may be lost on you, but it's the sort of thing that excites me. :)

I love seeing how old houses were built!

Moving on from the bits of progress downstairs, last night Daniel put in a long night with Gabriel framing in the closet that will be in the older two boys' bedroom. This is the room right above the family room where the second set of stairs (that we removed) ended.

You can see where the stairs came up. Rather than trying to match/patch flooring, we decided that it's a great spot to add a much-needed closet.

He removed the knee wall so the closet extends farther back, which will allow for more storage, and then framed it in for a 60" double door.

In other family news, we keep celebrating birthdays that come at me so fast I feel like I can hardly stay ahead of them! Jackson turned 10 last week! We celebrated Thursday night, almost a week late, with a couple friends/cousins and games. It was all he really wanted!

We've been back into our school-not-at-home routine for a couple weeks now, which looks like a lot of relying heavily on the library to make up for a lack of reliable internet access, and that feels quaint and special in its own way. Special prayer meetings at church, a bridal shower, birthday parties for friends, keeping the house we're in "house show worthy" since it's on the market, getting back on track with regular workouts now that my ankle is [mostly] back to normal, and trying to catch up on paperwork fills any leftover cracks of time we may have.

On top of that, the Upward Basketball season began and this year even Aubrey gets to play! I can't wait to share some pictures of her in action, but so far I haven't been at any practices because Daniel brings them and uses the practice time to work. I don't even have words for how thankful I am that she is vibrant and healthy and running. Our cup overflows.

chipping away

In the midst of much on every front, bit by bit, we're continuing to make progress on the house. This is no small way thanks to the many hands that are finding ways to pitch in and lighten our load.

In the early part of last week, there was the big push to get ready for insulation.

you can see the spray foam all throughout, nice and snug and tight!

Then a little more to get ready for drywall, but last Friday Daniel set aside the crazy schedule he was keeping between work and the house project to focus on a big event the next day: my little sister's wedding. A good night's sleep was in order, as he didn't want to lose track of even one tiny and special detail. I spent the day ironing clothes and answering, "Is it time for Liana's wedding?" a million times over with, "No; tomorrow." We were all excited.

And then tomorrow came!

Aubrey, whose dress was the long ivory one, was oh-so-excited to be flower girl. Liana had asked her on Aubrey's birthday, September 13, just three short days following her surgery and when everything was still very much topsy-turvy in Aubrey's little life. Such a special thing to be able to look forward to for a girl who just hurt and ached and wished to be anywhere else but right there in that moment.

She loved it. Memories to last a lifetime, I'm sure!

Liana was, of course, a beautiful bride. I say of course because Liana is just beautiful all the time. I know she's my little sister and I'm partial, but I really think she is. And then Liana with Ben? Even more beautiful!

It was an afternoon wedding followed by an evening reception, and it was candlelight and music and twinkle lights and dancing and everything it should have been.

And her dress was a dream.

Sunday morning, of course, came like a shock to our systems. The 7:15am departure never felt so early! Good thing we all love Sundays!

And when two services were done and we had put some food in our bodies, Daniel headed back to the new house for the next round of work: finishing electrical so that the rest of the drywall could get done, as well as sorting through a bit of a support issue he had uncovered.

Basically, in the very large family room, Daniel had found when pulling down the old ceilings that one of the main beams that spans a large portion of the room was deflecting. He reinforced the joists coming into it and it helped some, but it was still moving. After much deliberation about it, he brought someone in and discussions began about how to remedy it. To make a long story short and skip the parts that made me so sad (because they involved losing almost all of the exposed beams), a solution was found. There are four main posts in the family room/kitchen, three of which are in walls and one of which is an exposed post about 2/3 of the way back in the room. By building some triangular brackets of old wood, the beams and joints can be reinforced while leaving all the old wood exposed.

Daniel demonstrating a possible solution

the finished product: 4 braces added to either side of 2 large beams that look like they've always been there

I am happy and the beam/floor is secure!

And just when the setback of figuring out those supports felt rather overwhelming because of the way they delayed electrical work, among other things, Daniel was rescued by three men, and he didn't even know beforehand that two of them were coming. We feel so blessed.

Honestly, though, even in the midst of minor setbacks, this project has been an incredibly joyous one. There are always things going on in life that are difficult, but there is such a sense in us of this house being a provision and gift from the Lord. At every point when there has been a decision that needed to be made or something that needed to be purchased, God has connected us with the right people in the right timing. We simply haven't had time for things to go really awry-- and they haven't, because whenever the potential for trouble has arisen, the solution and help have been right there, too. It's a testimony that just keeps growing and we can't wait to see how God will use this home to build His kingdom.

(Tangent I've been thinking about: isn't it just amazing that He takes even the very practical things we need-- a roof over our heads-- to birth and cradle ministry of all sorts?! Nothing is wasted with Him.)

Tuesday, the day of come-to-the-rescue sort of help, gave us recessed lights in our kitchen and family room!

And now drywall is going up, which makes all the rooms feel like, well, rooms again.

a panoramic shot of the kitchen and family room, taken from the dining room doorway

Yesterday was the finalization of kitchen stuff. Stain for the wood countertops, confirming layout, picking out the last hardware, looking at a vent fan, choosing a faucet. A cabinet paint color was picked out, and without a color wheel and only online swatches to use as a resource it proved... exciting. I purchased a whole bunch of samples that were technically listed in the "white" family; I beg to differ with whoever made that decision about most all of them! I was looking for an on-the-putty-side-of-off-white for the cabinets. Most all of them were too gray, too green, too brown, too everything!

I went with the top left color, and then promptly agonized for the next two hours (cabinets aren't as easy to change as walls!) until a friend providentially stopped in and told me it's perfect.

Flooring is ordered for the kitchen/family room, which is the one part of the house that doesn't have the original wide plank New England pine, and should be in sometime late next week or early the week after. We were able to get wood from a local source. It's new pine (not old), but it will be in varying widths from 12-18" wide, so it will be perfectly in keeping with the original floors everywhere else. Shiplap for the kitchen walls and all the trim/baseboard has also been ordered and will be in soon. Things are clipping along.

And almost everyday, at least once I get a text reminder from Daniel: This is going to be a wonderful home.

We are thankful and excited. God is a refuge for all who seek Him. He provides abundantly. The house feels like a tangible expression of a new season God is bringing us into. We're praying we'll be faithful, by His grace, to Him in it all.

the family room

Now that the wall between the kitchen and family room has come down, that space is one large, combined room. The original family room was 27 feet by 19 feet, so add to that the 19-foot "legs" of the kitchen and you've got a big room. I imagine a lot of life will be lived in this great room.

We'll still have a separate dining room (perhaps my favorite room in the house... at least right now) and a large sitting room beyond the dining room that we'll use for small groups gatherings, parties, and to steal away to for a few minutes of reading or thinking or just, you know... stealing away from it all. But this space will be our together space. I love the idea of being able to cook while children play nearby, of football games on the TV while I'm cleaning up from Sunday dinner, of schoolbooks piled on the island and others piled on the coffee table.

And one of the true benefits of opening up the kitchen and family room is that all the natural light in the family room immediately gets joined to the kitchen. I love natural light.

(Except when my house is dirty. Then I prefer candlelight. Ha.)

When we closed on the house, we knew for sure that this room was going to get the bulk of our attention. Within a few hours of signing papers, we were pulling up the carpet to make way for continuous New England pine flooring throughout.

This picture shows the box window in back that the previous owners had told us needed to be addressed because it had a tendency toward leaking. You'll see later where it's been taken out and we are waiting eagerly for the new windows we ordered to come in so Daniel can install them!

We also knew that originally this family room had been an attached woodshed. When Daniel started pulling down the ceilings, we were able to get a better view of the rough timber that was used for building. It is so cool. I do wish there was a way we could leave it all exposed, but between some of the beams needing to be reinforced and the need for some soundproofing between the family room and the bedroom above, most of it will get covered up again.

You can see where the drywall originally ended and the ceiling was; by pulling down the two layers of ceiling and blown insulation, we are able to gain more than a foot more height in that room. This picture is from when the staircase in the family room had been removed but the wall wasn't gone yet.

Standing near the front door in the kitchen, looking into the family room. You can see where the wall used to be.

Once walls started getting opened up, we had a bit of an education on old insulation methods. Turns out, back in the 1850s they didn't have spray foam or rigid foam or even fiberglass batts. Who knew?! Instead, they often used brick in between the exterior and interior walls to help radiate some of the interior heat back into the home. Removing all that brick was somewhat tedious, but we were blessed to be able to hire some young guys to do a lot of it. We would be totally off-track in terms of our timeline if Daniel had had to take each one of those bricks out himself!

Pictured: Josiah taking the bricks out--carefully! There were bricks in almost every single exterior wall we exposed. Tomorrow the spray foam guy comes and the house will feel a whole lot warmer than it currently does!

Another thing we had been told about in advance was how one exterior wall of the family room bows quite a bit. After opening it all up, Daniel was glad to find that nothing is shifting and that it's the actual beam that runs the 27-foot length of the room that was itself simply not square; the wall had been built to match its contour. Our best guess is that since the room was originally just a woodshed of sorts, they weren't as concerned about making sure things were plumb, because the rest of the house is much more square. The solution was to build the wall out slightly to get it a bit straighter. Daniel "broke" the news to me that the window jambs would be quite a bit deeper before he was done; I had to ask him if he knows me at all that he would even wonder if that would be a disappointment???

I know you all feel badly for me that I have to deal with such deep windowsills.

Another thing we're changing is removing the old woodshed door and replacing the box window with two side-by-side 32"x60" windows. The day Daniel cut for the windows was the first day of real snow around these parts; he said the view of the snow-laden backyard was breathtaking.

After the old window had been taken out and before Daniel cut for the new one. That's the door we'll be removing, as well.

Ready and waiting for those new windows to come in! Please ignore the ladder. Construction materials and tools are our decor of choice these days.

We are replacing the wood stove in the corner with a smaller wood stove. I really wanted to make sure we had something appropriately sized just for the room since the dual oil/wood furnace in the basement is the main (and a fantastic) source of heat for the whole house and too big a stove in there would mean a really hot family room/kitchen. We found a little Scandinavian stove sized for >1000 square feet (the family room + kitchen is a little under 900 square feet altogether) and now the big debate is on how to install it. Initially I'd hoped for a faux fireplace of sorts to set it into, however the budget-- which has been infringed upon by the unexpected insulation costs and more drywall/mudding/taping than we'd planned for-- might require we do something simpler, at which point I'm very glad that the placement of the stove pipe is far enough away from the walls to meet clearances for combustible materials, since a huge stone wall doesn't quite fit the era of the home. I'm thinking we'll simply do shiplap behind it.

This back portion of the family room was, we're guessing, originally part of a back porch. The construction is totally different. We'll be leaving the ceiling in this part vaulted (there is nothing above it) and back here is where we'll set up the kitchen/school table.

We are eager to start putting the room back together. Daniel is is spending his day off today frantically trying to finish electrical before the insulation guy comes tomorrow. After that, the fun will really begin as it all begins to take shape. I can hardly wait!

the kitchen

Before I dive into kitchen details, I just have to tell you:

Yesterday, I stood up at church and sprained my ankle.

No, I didn't trip on anything. No, I wasn't wearing heels. Yes, I was in the front row.

I went to stand and my ankle just gave out. You see... I'm just that talented.

I'm resting and icing and doing all the right first-48-hour things in a desperate attempt to be ready to don my 3" heels for my sister's wedding this Saturday. Because the show must go on!

Anyway. About the kitchen.

Much of the 1850s farmhouse is full of the unadulterated quirks and idiosyncrasies of an old house that I absolutely love and can't imagine living without. The kitchen was no exception: a quirky built-in cabinet above the refrigerator, a lovely old window that overlooks the mudroom, uneven walls and floors (yes, I really do love uneven walls and floors), etc. But while having those things and offering a bigger footprint than what I'd previously had, it also lacked a lot of the practical functionality an updated kitchen like the one I was leaving provides.

Our previous kitchen was bright and cheerful and wonderfully updated, but it lacked the space to include many eager hands in meal preparation, and so that was one of the things I was really, really hoping for if we were to move to a new house. Maybe it's because the past 12 years of motherhood have flown by, but I can't help but think ahead to days when I will have grown sons, daughters, children-in-law, and grandchildren all crowding in to help finish the turkey, cook the veggies, mash the potatoes, whip the cream. I want to have space for them all!

The good news with the bigger footprint of the new kitchen is that it has the potential to be both functional and large enough to readily accommodate a big family.

But not without some work!

The original footprint of the kitchen was an L-shape, with the mudroom in back and the front porch in front (go figure), the dining room on one side and the family room on the other. On top of all those doorways, there is also a little nook (right in the corner of the L) that leads to the basement and provides a nice bit of additional kitchen storage. While both "legs" of the L are a generous 19 feet long, the multitude of doorways makes the room a little hard to use efficiently.

The mudroom was originally a back porch that was enclosed, thus the window that looks out into the mudroom. I love the bit of natural light that window provides (along with just plain old loving old windows!) and so we'll be leaving it exactly as is.

The above window and door are along the front of the house. The dining room door is just to the right (doorway hidden by refrigerator). The family room is along the left; there is a doorway into to the left of the front window, as well as one on the bottom of the lefthand wall (not in the picture).

The first time we looked at the house, I wasn't sure if there would be a way to have the kitchen more functional for a handful of chefs while also providing some space for those who might like to just congregate and visit while cooking is taking place (because, let's be honest, everyone always wants to be in the kitchen!), but within a few days of having looked at the house for the first time, the wheels in my brain were turning and I began to wonder if we couldn't remove the wall between the kitchen and family room. Another trip back to see the house and a little investigating left us confident that we could do it and that it would be a worthwhile change. Not only would it open up the kitchen tremendously, but the second staircase in the house that was previously located along that wall could come out and make the family room also feel more spacious.

Those two doorways on either side of that second staircase lead into the kitchen.

Looking into the kitchen (that line in the floor is where the wall-- which ended up NOT being a supporting wall-- YAY!-- used to be). We ended up gutting the entire kitchen in order to reconfigure electrical, plumbing, and propane lines. The front porch is to the left, the dining room ahead, and the mudroom on the right.

In addition to reconfiguring the layout of items along the walls, we'll be adding a 42"x78" island right in the center of that space.

I've had fun dreaming and sketching and looking forward to this thing coming to life, but I rely heavily on those who actually know what they're doing to make it all happen. Thank goodness for an amazing cabinet maker who happens to be a friend and fellow church member, in addition to a husband who has spent almost every waking moment of his Christmas vacation gutting, framing, running electrical, and more!

Hopefully at the end of it all, our new construction will do justice to the history of this home, merging both modern function with the old style of the house that I so love.